Fizzykiss , 32

We are finally home. WE actually got home Monday around 5. I'm hoping that being home will help the kids alot.

Carl's obituary came out today and I'm rather annoyed and upset by it. Its a good on, until it lists the survivors. It lists my mom, his kids, all by name, and then lists 3 stepchildren. My sister, brother, and I were his kids the last 10 years. We treated him 100 times better than his own kids did. SO to be listed at 3 stepchildren really pisses me off.

My mom is really upset about it too. Carl's brother was the one that wrote it up, so for him to treat us like that really bothers her. I mean 2 days ago he told my mom that her, us kids, and the kids are what kept him alive so long, that if it hadn't been for us, he would have given up a long time ago, and then he does this. WTF!

I'm still in Oregon. I was supposed to be leaving for home on Saturday but that won't be happening. My stepdad died tonight. =(

He was in his room and collapsed. While my brother called 911, my sister and I did CPR on him until the ambulance got here. They shocked him 3 times on the hallway floor before taking him to the ambulance. I called my mom at work to let her know that he had collapsed and that paramedics were working on him.

Once they left my brother and I went to the hospital and my sister stayed with the kids. When we first got there we were standing around the ER waiting room then a doctor came and brought us to a private OR waiting room to talk to us. The first time he talked to us he said that they had got a heart beat and a steady blood pressure. Then he came back in telling us that he had spontaneous arm movement and was trying to take the tube out of his mouth. Then my mom got there, about 10 minutes later 2 doctors came in saying that his heart beat slowed to 30 and that they were losing him and we could go sit with him. We got in there and about 5 minutes later he died.

When I got back to my mom's my sister said that the paramedics brought back teddy bears for the kids. They also offered to go to the hospital and pick my mom up if she didn't have someone to drive her. My sister and I are going to get a thank you card for them tomorrow.

This was the first time I had done CPR on anyone. My sister did awesome helping me for not knowing what to do.

The kids don't know yet and I'm so scared to break it to them.

Please everyone keep my family in your thoughts/prayersWhatever today and through christmas. This is going to be a rough christmas for us.

Since I can't sleep, I thought I'd update. I got my test results this morning. I have an auto immune disorder. Now on to more tests and doctors to find out which one. This doctor ordered a bunch more blood tests, including a lupus panel, to get that started. While I was there she had her assistant make me an appointment with a dermatologist and try to make one with a rheumatologist.

After I left there I went over to the dermatologist for the hair loss. He says I have alot of hair, but he can see where I've been losing it and he did a pull test and pulled out alot of it. He said that since its coming out all over its not early onset baldness. Also the hair isn't breaking, its coming out at the roots, so its coming from the inside. He also ordered a bunch of blood tests.

So thats about all I know at this point.

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On another note, we are leaving tomorrow for Oregon.

We left around 1:30 for Laughlin, NV on Friday. Around 4 I got a phone call from my doctor asking me to come in then. I told her that I couldn't get there today. She told me to come in first thing Monday morning. To be there at 8. I'm officially freaking out now. I'm trying to get my mind to calm down and not race to all these horrible possibilities, but its not working very well. I keep telling myself that she's being thorough and she wants to talk with me in person about the results and not just an informal phone conversation, but my mind is not going for that.

Its been a long weekend. Yesterday was non stop, I hardly sat all day and so many people to talk to and what not that I didn't have much time to think about it, but my mind made up for that in my dreams. Now today we have a 4 hour drive home meaning my mind is going to be working overboard.

This weekend was good, I enjoyed it considering the above. I seen alot of people I haven't seen in years. My best friend's baby was born last month so I got to see her. OMG I love this little girl. You can bet that her Aunt Sami is going to spoil her rotten.

I wasn't expecting presents or anything, but OMG my kids made out big time. Robbie got a bunch of magnext cars, a carrying case for them and almost $100 in gift cards to walmart. The girls got build a bear mini animals. Jazzy got a monkey and jay got a pink poodle. Then they both got 2 outfits for them, plus the gift cards.

Now have a 4 hour drive home. We got a late check out, not until 2, but we are planning on leaving around 10.

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We got home about 2:30. Not bad but damn I've been busy since. I had to get laundry started, clean out the car, decide whats going with us to Oregon and whats not.

I finally have a chance to sit down and now I'm looking for something to do to keep my mind from racing. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep much tonight.