I don't figure I will win, but hey at least I tried.

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Whats happened to KB? I mean I know its always been full of drama filled journals and what not, but now it seems as though people will do almost anything to get people to read their journals.

Tricking your boyfriend into getting pregnant? Getting married because its cool and not because you really want to. Having a baby and not even taking care of it.

I just don't get it. This is why I stay away from here anymore.


On another note, things around here are same. Not much new. Kids are back in school after their off track break. Getting ready to move, not looking forward to having to pack everything up.

We are going up next month to look at houses and apartments. We are thinking about renting for the first 6 months. Just in case we don't like it up there or this job of D's doesn't work out.

I also have to take the kids to their new school so they can be evaluated and what not. They are excited to move. I just hope they don't get bummed out after we move. But they have some friends up there already so I think that will help.

OK before anyone says anything, I *know* I'm not going to die tomorrow. I *know* I shouldn't be stressing about this. I *know* that people with Lupus can live a normal live.

I know all this, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still in the acceptance stage of all this. I not only have Lupus, but I also have Scleroderma. I can handle one or the other, but having both of them is a lot for one person to deal with.

Ever since I was little I've had a fear of suffering before I die. I'm not scared to die, I'm scared of whats leading up to it. Make sense? Watching my dad, my grandpa, and my stepdad suffer before they died only made the fear worse.

The other night I started freaking out because there is a huge possiblity that I may suffer. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my mind to think of anything else. I tried playing game with the kids, tried a hot bath, tried reading. Nothing would shut my mind off of it. It took D coming home and holding me while I cried and freaked out about everything to make me feel better. I just needed to get it all out without someone telling me I was being irrational or I needed to stop stressing about it.

Robbie - attitude from hell has appeared. He's driving me up a wall. He won't listen at all, does anything and everything to piss the girls off to the point they retaliate and then he gets worse. He's spent a lot of time in his room this week, and as of right now he has to earn 120 points to get his video games back. I've tried sitting down and talking to him and he won't talk, he won't answer questions, just sits there and stares at me. I put in a call to both his doctor and group therapist. I'm hoping one of them can help me because I'm not sure what to do and I can't handle this much more.

JazzLyn, she's driving me nuts asking how many more days they are off. She's finished all of her off track homework and wants more. I bought them a couple of work books but she's pissed because I won't let her do all of them at once.

JayLyn is doing good. She's attached herself to my hip and won't let go. We've gone back to not being able to close the bathroom door without her getting upset. She's asked me what my halo and my wings are going to look like, which breaks my heart. I've tried telling her that I'm not going to die, that the medicine that I am on are going to make me better, just slowly. Well in her mind she's comparing me to my stepdad. He needed a few naps a day, and I need a nap a day and an hour on the couch to be able to function past 5 pm. He went 3 times a week for dialysis and I've gone once a week for blood draws. I've tried talking to her, D's talked to her. D's mom's even tried to talk to her. I hate that my kids think about things like this.

D - he's good. He's been making a point of being home in the evenings on nights he doesn't have classes, but we will see how long this will last.

Me - yeah I've been better. I'm still trying to recover from our trip. I need to talk to my doctor about something for weightloss. I REFUSE to go up another pant size. Granted it would help if I had the energy to exercise, and being pain free would help too. I go back to my doctor on the 16th to get results from my thyroid test. I'm going to talk to her then about something to help.

People keep telling me that I need to be patient and wait until I am feeling better. Yeah there is no guarantee that I will feel better. Plus I used to be the type of person that was always up and moving. Had things I needed to do, things I wanted to do. I'd walk my kids to the park and then walk around the park while they played. I can't do that now.

Its not even 10:30 yet and I already need a nap.

We are FINALLY home. Normally I'm so sad to leave seeing as how Las Vegas will always be home to me. First off we had reservations to stay at Circus Circus. We called before we left Tuesday to see if it would be a problem adding 2 days. We were told no problem at all. Yeah right. We got there and got an attitude right away because our reservations were for Thursday - Sunday. We told the woman we called and were told no problem. I mean its Tuesday and Wed night so not like they are booked full. More attitude and then she says from Tuesday - Sunday its going to be $500. Friday and Saturday were $150 each. I told D to wait and called a friend of mine and she got us rooms at Sam's Town for $289 total. So we stayed there which was great. It was closer to everyone anyway.

Saturday we went to the monster truck show. Robbie almost lost his mohawk. His favorite driver, George, was there so of course Robbie is all dressed up in black with the mohawk. He went to see another driver for an autograph and this driver, Dan, was giving Robbie a hard time (jokingly) about his mohawk and what Robbie was going to do when George lost. He then made a bet with Robbie. If Dan beat George in 1st round of racing, Dan got to come up into the stands and shave Robbie's mohawk. If Dan lost to George then Robbie got a box full of goodies from the merchandise tent. Robbie took the bet and was fine until the show started and then he became a nervous wreck. George won so Robbie will be getting a box of goodies in the mail sometime this week. He's happy.

I'm soooo sunburnt. I put sunblock on 3 - 4 times a day and still ended up with a horrible sunburn.

Then yesterday we went to Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon before coming home. Let me tell you I was VERY VERY VERY disappointed with the Grand Canyon. It was beautiful and breathtaking, but the area we went to was a rip off. We went to the Skywalk. $20 to park. You can ONLY get to the skywalk by bus ride so $30 per person for bus ride. Then another $30 per person to be able to walk out onto the platform. We did the bus ride but not the skywalk. You can't even take cameras out onto the platform and that was the only reason I wanted to do it.

So we were rather pissed off with that. We knew about parking and the cost of going out onto the catwalk, but nothing about having to pay for a bus tour to get out there.