GottaGetTheGoo , 23

WEll i guess they really won yesterday, same difference. I havent gone to sleep yet, so it still counts as "today"

Lakers beating Boston was the highlight of my day.

Two years ago my best friend died on Christmas. Ever since, days aren't really important. Just another day. What can you do?

My boyfriend and I broke up.
Wonderful.
He's too young.. and short for me anyways ;]]

I've kind of been an emotional wreck.. worse and worse every day. Thankfully Christmas is over and i hopefully won't be thinking about Becca as much.

I miss her so much.


I hung out with my ex boyfriend on CHristmas Eve.
I probably shouldn't have. He thought he was going to get some ass. After we broke up we kept this on again off again bullshit sex thing goin for ohh about a year and a half.
I wasn't about to fuck him though. I hadnt seen the kid in nearly a year and a half. He was shocked at how i look. I dyed my hair from platinum to dark dark dark brown, pierced my nose and my lip.. and just don't look as preppy as i used to. He looks good though. He lost some weight.
He's moving to Texas, he doesnt want to get caught up out here, he's been doing some gnarly shit. I'm not even going to get into it.

I'm still sprung off Eddie and Brandon.
Probably half the reason i'm no longer with my boyfriend.
Oh yeah, and he started dating another girl. She didn't know he had a girlfriend. But thats okay. The two guys i fucked when i was with him didn't know i had a boyfriend, either.

Wow, im rather vulgar this evening... well, morning.
All this sex talk makes me seem like a slut.
I guess it all depends on who you compare me to.
I'm not a nun for christ sakes, but I'm not the girl at the club that fucks a new guy every night, either.
I'm happily inbetween, thank you very much.

Back on topic, I'm still sprung off of those two boys.
I had Eddes birthday saved in my phone as Dec 22nd. He texted me his birthday, after i asked of course, a few months back and i saved it.
WEll i guess i saved it wrong because when i texted him happy birthday, his response was "thanks, but its tomorrow LOL"
How fucking embarrassing.

He wanted me to go see him from THursday up until Sunday.
DOubt that's going to happen. His punk ass shouldn't have moved to florida, and i wouldn't have this problem.
Neither would he.

And Brandon... he is so cute.
I actually like that kid, ALOT.
Funny that I couldnt have cared less about him while he was still here. Then he moved, got his Mississippi number back, turned off his california phone, and I had no way to reach him.. until he called me about a month later.
I'm basically on his nuts. It's weird.
I havent actually LIKED a guy in forever.
Weird saying that since i just got out of a relationship. Looking back i think i was more infatuated rather than in a state of liking him.


God, I'm horrible.

I think i might have committment issues. Not to mention a little self doubt.

Brandon's forever telling me he likes me and stuff. I think its bullshit.
But then i think harder and realize maybe i'm just afrain to think he likes me or whatever.
haha i dont know.
My hand hurts, i'm done for now.



Have a nice day, all.

I feel like i'm losing control of everything in my life.


Like everything close to me is just slipping out of reach, like nothing i can do will change the outcome.



the scariest thought i've had in months ran through my head

and it started with

"if i was just a little skinnier...."



welcome back, eating disorder. I'm sure I'll be seeing you soon.











spiraling downward.
and fast.




i did last december too.


RIP becca. i miss you so much.
The best friend i ever had.
7.1.1987 - 12.25.2006
Not a day goes by that I dont think about you.

I was thinking a few hours ago about my best friend, and about the relationship that we have.

I realized that i do not trust this girl more than i could throw her.

Don't get me wrong, i love the girl to death. And yes, she has been there for me through the years, well, for things that she knew was going on.

But i know she tells her girlfriend everything. Including things i say to her in confidence.
Well i don't KNOW that i suppose, but I would definately assume so.
I mean, she tells me things that Lonni (her girlfriend) says to her in confidence.
I also know she's told her cousin things i've told her.

I was thinking about that whole scenario, and i got so angry. So angry. So betrayed. So HURT.

I got raped almost exactly two years ago.
I didn't report it.
THe guy was a friend of a friend, who decided he wanted to brag about it, soon enough a few of the guys were just running their mouths about how im a whore, etc.
I kept my mouth shut. i let it go.

One day, my best friend and i were driving talking about men we had slept with.
She said, what about Josh? (his name isn't really josh.)
And i said, what about him?
and she said oh nevermind.
SO i said: no, what did you hear?

Before she answered, I told her that he raped me.
Want to know her response to that?

She laughed.


laughed.



THen proceeded to tell her cousin, who i am also friends with, that i consentually fucked him, and her cousin, in turn, told me.

I was drunk when her cousin told me. In fact, i forgot that conversation had happened.



Sometimes I just want to pack my shit, and up and leave.
Just disappear.
Not tell anywhere where I'm going, or how to get ahold of me.

Just leave.
Start over.
Get out of this town where rumors are evidently more believable than your best friend.

But i know that everywhere is the same.
People generally are all the same.
Bigger scales, more diverse.
But still, the same.


Jesus, i want to cry right now.


Good night.
Good morning.
Good day.

I like to think of every new day as a new opportunity. Another chance to reinvent myself, another day to try and make an impact in someone elses life, etc.

It's almost like, with the sunrise the days before get washed away.

With that being said, you never know if I'm going to wake up and decide, oh hey, I don't want to eat today.
Or maybe, Oh hey, I'm over this whole Brandon thing.

Well the ladder of the two occurs every other day it seems. One day I'll be utterly snd completely head over heals smittin for the kid. Then a few days later, I'm bored of his shit and dont want to deal with it anymore.

So the day before yesterday I woke up, and as certain as the sunset I decided I'm done with Brandon, and don't want to care anymore. That was that, and I was done.

Or so I thought.


Then yesterday, he texted me all cute, and there I was, smitten. When just the day before I was sure I was done with him.

I swear. boys have this weird radar thing going on. Whenever a girl gets over them, (even when they don't make it known) the boy just knows. Like telepathic radar. Then they change it back.
Well maybe not so much.
But I swear it happens ALL the time.




Better question? Why did i just spend all of that time talking about an ex-booty call, while talking to, er, well, listening to, my boyfriend doze off?
If he can't be with me, he likes to talk to me until he falls asleep. Never the other way around, he always falls asleep first.
He's a sweetie.

Richie hates when I say anything about Brandon. Or Eddie. Or any other boy I dated or fucked.
He's a jealous boy, but not too much.
And thats just fine with me, lets me know how much he cares.
I'm sure he knows how I feel towards Brandon, and Eddie for that matter (though, Eddie was far more physical than Brandon) and choses to ignore it.
Whattt can you do, eh?
Goodnight, Goodday, to everyone <3

HEllLLLO kiwibox


jesus christ, i havent been on here in FOREVER.


I'm recovering from an eating disorder. I'm 20. That habit started backkkk when I was, about 13 i guess. AS much as i wish it would, those things don't just go away. I have a weird way of tying anything that goes wrong in my life to my weight. Don't lecture me, PLEASE. i KNOW. Yeah, well, i just purged and I hate to say it, but as much as i should hate it, i don't. But trust, it does disgust me that I keep fallin back into it.

I tend to be rather premiscuous. I think i spelled that wrong. I have a boyfriend whom i love, his name is Richie, and he makes me super happy. But oh hey, I'm still mildly sprung off two guys I hooked up with earlier this year.

I met both of them at a casino from my house. I was walking in the parking garage on St. Patricks day and saw these two black guys ( i have a thing for black guys.. haha) and i was preoccupied with something else and was like whatever. Well.. they drove up to where my friend and i were standing, and so it began.
THey're black, and origionally from Mississippi. I'm in california, and their accents were sexy as hell. gave them the digits, and they hit me up whatever.
I ended up hooking up with the older of the two. One night i was at their house, and he was like.. what you say to a threesome? Eddie, me, and the other boy, Brandon, who is his cousin. I was like NO THANKKS.
Then like a month later i hooked up with brandon. I don't think Eddie ever found out. haha.
Well anyways, Brandon moved back to mississippi in like.. may, and eddie moved to texas in june, but he currently is living in FLorida.
I've been sprung off eddie ever since he left. Brandon switched back to a mississippi number, and randomly hit me up in like july, and i've been on his nuts since.


SOme call me an alcoholic. I like to drink. I like to have fun. But as far as I'm concerned, if i spend more of my time sober then drunk, i am NOT an alcoholic. I used to be though. Anyways, quitting is for losers. haha!!
I got raped in November of 06, then Christmas 06 my best friend died in a car accident. From november to ohHH about march i drank a bottle, yes, the entire bottle, every night. I quit drinking like THAT though.

November and december are my least favorite times of year. ANother friend died in November of last year, too.



That's all for now i guess. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

:]]