GumonyerShoe , 27

2:32 AM

Well, most of my guy frustrations I actually put in the other journal... dunno why, I just did. But I thought I'd talk a little more in here.

First off... I'm in a bit of a spot. I still think that Mike would be the best for me and I still love him to bits, but Ben is becoming more and more attractive to me. We're talking like all the time. And I seriously do feel safer and feel better when he's online and I could IM him if I needed to. And he was willing to exchange phone numbers with me and he's told me his full name and stuff.

Mike wouldn't give me his middle name or his phone number. I mean that's cool and all. I completely understand because it's sometimes not cool to give out a lot of personal information over the 'net. I offered him my phone # and he declined because if he took my # he'd feel obligated to give me his. *shrugs* 'scool.

But I don't know what to do. I love them both. I don't know which is right. I guess it doesn't even really matter because Mike is 7 hours away and Ben is like 12 hours away.

There's another kind of uncomfortable guy in the picture right now... here's his last e-mail to me:

"As the time gets closer to Christmas ... I wanted you to know that you are thought about in a very special way! I know that at times I either neglect to answer certain questions you may have ... or simply choose not to go there at the moment. It isn't that I don't care ... it is simply that I don't have the time to get into a down and out debate with you over some matter that really isn't important right now ... what is important is that you know your special to me in every aspect of my life. A good friend will attempt to allow a friendship to grow into a lovely romantic flower with much passion and zest for life ... does that make any sense to you?

I am currently busy with tests, trials and tribulations when it comes to you! But, I think you already knew that ... didn't you?

I believe it is in God's plan that we meet one day and explore the presence of one another's love and goodness. At least, that is what I do believe is the future ... do you?

Merry Christmas ... My Lovely Friend!

Happy New Year ... My Lovely Friend!

Thinking of YOU!

Richard"

I don't know what to think... I'm so confused... I in no way like Richard "like that" because I know like next to nothing about him other than he lives in New Mexico.

AUGH!!! MAKE IT STOP! I have never really felt myself attractive physically. I guess that's the 'joy' of the internet... people get to know your personality and then they see your picture or meet you in person and because they know whether your personality is "pretty" or not, they find you attractive or not. But Chris was constantly telling me how "gorgeous" I was, and Ben tells me I look nice and stuff. And other guys do too.

*shrugs* I don't know. All I know is that I guess the lady at the post office was right when I was a little girl and she said that there would someday be lots of guys who'd wanna date me. lovely. *rolls eyes*

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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Hunny4NG : Thanks

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1:44 AM

There's nothing like talk about finances and stuff to make you want to suddenly not exist any more so that you're not a cause of the problem.

I was having a fairly good day until I was called up and Dad basically helped me feel stupid for not knowing what to put for his job (Good grief he does so many things how was I supposed to know what his actual title is?!) on this financial aid thing.

You know, it just occurred to me... I think it's part of the conspiracy. They jack up the prices of school so that you'll have to do financial aid, so that more people have jobs and so that eventually they'll get more money because you won't be able to pay off your loan on time.

Any way... So that junk happened and then the car insurance stuff and I'm just thinking to myself "you know, how about I just die or run away or something and then you won't have to pay insurance on me any more." Where would I run to? Mempis(Mike) ... Kansas(Ben)... New Jersey(Jessica and Nate) ... Texas..no..not Texas, though there are some coolio people there(Zach and Caleb) ... Illinois/Missouri(Matt)... Be evil and go to England and move in with Marc which would be a horrible very bad thing to do... *shrugs* I don't know. But regardless, run away to one of my people's house and live with them. Get a job to help pay for my stay some and to save up to go back to school someday...or just save. If I go to Memphis or Kansas maybe marry Mike or Ben... or..England..no... Or for that matter just run away to the neighboring town and move in with Chris even though I broke up with him, we could hook up and I'd just work on ignoring any of my feelings for Mike and Ben and Chris and I would marry and live "happily ever after..."

ANY WAY... Gosh dumpit. I did not want to be alive to be creating all the difficulties. But I realize that death is not a good idea because while it would solve the money difficulties to some extent, it would also rob a lot of people.

And you know what else? Why do I have to be such a frikin nice person? It seems like whenever I try to help out I get bawled out by my parents for doing it. So I emptied my wallet. You think I'm happy about it?! You think I'm glad that I don't have any money to do anything with? Well, I'm not happy about it, but at least I helped people with it rather than it just being spent on myself. Yeah I was thinking about going to the Christmas party but I don't think I will 'cause I'm not going to bug you for money to get the $5 wrapped gift for the exchange. and I was going to just do it on my own but now I can't. So yeah, just throw it in my face that "that's what you get for giving in to peer pressure."

arrhhhg

Ok I'm going to shut up now because all I can think now are angry thoughts and there are words popping into my head that I don't want to flow from my fingers.

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I took a brief break and I do have some happy news. I made A's on all my finals except for my History final which I got a C on. Which makes my GPA about a 3.58 or something like that. :o) Pretty keen huh?

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People who I will assume care

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Boredgirl_02 : Thanks and congratulations.

dilapidated : totally.

shampoo10 : thankee. ;o)

TheMomma : haha *composes self* uhm... that's actually not good to do I don't think.

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1:04 AM

In just a matter of minutes every single person I was talking to got offline. Two of those people were Ben and Mike. Suddenly, I feel empty. No one is there for me.

I've talked very little with Mike as of late. He's been busy I guess. I'm afraid of growing away from him. Or of him growing away from me. I still think he's what I want...

I had a dream about him the other night. Dreampt we (BJ and I) were meeting him at a movie. I don't know why we were or why we weren't meeting him in the lobby of the theater, but we were meeting him actually in the theater. So any way... we go in and I go like halfway down the aisle and can't see him anywhere so I head back up the aisle 'cause I had kind of seen some empty seats as I was on my way down. I get up there and I look and there's Mike and I go "Are you Mike Michael? Why did I say that? I know your last name's not Michael. That's an old man at church. Are you Mike, er, I still don't know how to pronounce your last name..." And he's like "Yeah, Annaka?" And he hops up and he's like soooo tall and I think he hugs me, which I don't think he'd really do on a first meeting but you never know... Any way we decided we were being too loud or something so we went out into the lobby/hall way and BJ stayed in the theater I think and we just kinda enjoyed being in each other's presence before we headed back into the theater and sat next to each other and held hands or something.

So I've been meaning to ask Mike if there's a specific place in the theater he likes to sit. 'Cause if it's in the back, that'd just be too weird. Or even if it's in the middle, I looked for him in the middle first... But that's where I think the majority of people like to sit. dunno though.

Ben and I have been talking almost constantly lately it seems. He's turned his web cam on a couple times. I like it when he does that. He shaved recently and I was like "You shaved!" and he's like "Yeah, I do that from time to time." and I'm like "but I like facial hair." and he said he grows a pretty good beard but his family objects. He said he might grow it back. :o)

Ben told me tonight "I'm sort of looking forward to meeting you face to face. :)" and I'm like "Sort of? ;)" and he said "Alright, I'm looking forward to meeting you face to face." He said he might come over Spring break or Summer Break. That'd be so cool.

I've been trying to remember what the guy in my dream several years ago looked like that I know is who I'm going to marry. I think he was pretty tall and had dark hair. I can't really describe him... *sighs* oh well.

Well I think I'm going to go.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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lilbluemonkeys : Yeah? That's odd that it was also a "Chris." Thanks.

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11:13 AM

Well, yesterday I had my last final exam. I feel pretty good about it. Crystal called at like 10:30 and asked if I wanted to go study with her, Josh and Gabe and to work on our skits and stuff. I enthusiastically agreed (I'd only been waiting for that phonecall for days! @_@) So I got over there a little after 11 and we studied until like 12 or 1 or something like that when we separated for lunch to come back at 2 for our test.

Studying with Josh is hilarious. He's just a really funny guy. Crystal's really funny too.

We worked on the skits some after a while. We'd never blocked Gabe's... That one was interesting. I'm glad we didn't have an actual bed for Josh and me 'cause it didn't feel quite as weird, though he laid really close to me. He was so funny when he was "helping" me... (See, I was pregnant and going into labor and stuff. Oh, and at the beginning we're just in bed together...waking up and stuff.)

The test took me about half an hour just like my other finals did. I think I got a pretty good grade on it. When I turned it in Mr. Robertson showed me what my score was for my scenes. I got 130 out of 140 pts. So I'm pretty pleased with that.

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As for work... I'll probably be back to doing the secretarial stuff during Christmas break at least a little bit. On the one hand it'll be nice to not be doing the files that I soooo despise doing. But on the other hand that'll mean that the file job will just last longer.

Oh, and they are still not exactly sure where they're putting me since someone else is moving into the area that was "my" office. the Web Development guy... *shrugs and sighs*

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Just checked my grades. So far the only one up is my history grade. I got a C. That's what I expected. I'm happy with that.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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shampoo10 : Ouch. I'm sorry. :oS As for the filing cabinate, I doutbt I'll find things I'm not supposed to know in there. Hey, that sounds like a really cool Christmas present to me!

shinkelydinks : Wow... Well at least he's apparently a good guy. Hope it all works well for them.

TheMomma : Aye!

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5:22 PM

So, lately I've been talking to Ben like all day long. For a guy who says he's never in his room he's certianly there a lot.

That's beside the point though.

This morning I had my English final at 8 AM. Which meant that I had to get up at about 10/15 'till 7. I'm tired.

The final went well though. We turned in our last "theme." Last night I was trying to think of a title. Ben came up with something that seemed really good at 1 AM but this morning when I was getting ready to leave I'm like "that is a really dumb title." But I didn't have time to change it, so it's still titled "Watch Out for Snakes" even though it never mentions snakes. Then some of us went to the computer lab and wrote a "final journal entry." She gave us a sheet with things we were supposed to put into it and after answering the questions mine ended up being 3 pages long. @_@

Tomorrow at 2 I have my Theater final and then the semester is OVER! Woo!

I'm going to work through Christmas break in "my building," 1-4 every day just like I did in the summer. I hate what my current project is though. I have to go through my boss's filing cabinate and look through the files and get all this confidential and financial information. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Give me those papers for the Alumni office that everyone else hates but I love.

Last night was so much fun. I went to youth group 'cause the drama ministry team wasn't meeting as the semester's almost over. Afterwards we went to Fazoli's. Mmm. Chris, my youth pastor, tricked me into giving him my cellphone number. *rolls eyes* He had me put his cell number into my phone and then "test it to see if it works" which when I called his cell it had my cell number in his phone then. *laughs* Aww, I've missed my youth group so much!!

Duuude, this girl that I used to go to church with who I think is just a year or two older than me, she's getting married! I'm like "Desaree! Married?! Wow!" Makes me feel...something... old maybe?

Well it's time to eat. I'll talk with you all later.

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Spiffy People

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shampoo10 :

shinkelydinks :

TheMomma :

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