Sometimes I scare myself... I was in the bathroom, using the toilet, brushing my teeth and washing my face and all that stuff and I went ahead and put my uniform (worked 'till 12 tonight) in the hamper and just went about my nightly routine in my underwear (sorry to gross anyone out, but hey, I was in the bathroom with the door closed and stuff). When I was getting ready to leave the bathroom I grabbed my shorts that I sleep in and then leave on the floor 'cause I get dressed and undressed in the bathroom anyway, and was standing there going "Where in the world is my shirt? How did I get in here with out a shirt on?!" Then I realised, I had been wearing my uniform shirt and had put it in the hamper.

So... now that you know about my absent mindedness...

Nothing makes my opinion of a person plummet so much as finding out they smoke. It drives me crazy to find out how many people smoke. I found out this guy that I enjoy working with and he helps me out a lot, one of our drivers, Davie, smokes. I was looking for Tina tonight to find out if there was anything else I needed to do and she and Davie were out back taking a smoke break.

Oh!! Good news on the girls! We're going to talk to their guardian ad lidum (sp?) and see if they can get their cases separated. If they can, then we might be able to keep Em and let Autumn go to a different family. The family she's with right now likes her a lot and wants to keep her. So hopefully that'll all get worked out soon.

Well I guess that'll be all for now. I can't think straight enough to think of what else needs to go in.

Oh, the only other thing I was going to write is that I had my first experience making a pizza with anchovies tonight. *shudders* NASTY little buggers. It was such a nasty pizza to make. It was a personal thin crust with anchovies and mushrooms. *gag*

And I'm out.

Aaron came over today kind of spontaneously. I was in a kind of depressed mood last night and text messaged him at like 4 AM and said that I just really needed him to call me or something. Then when he called while I was getting ready for church this morning I missed his call so I called him right back but he was getting ready to have his meetings get started and stuff. So we couldn't talk long, but he said that he'd come over this afternoon.

Later I was all prepared to tell him not to come and stuff because I felt bad about him coming again when he had just been here a couple days ago, but he didn't call me back until he was practically pulling into the driveway.

I felt kind of babyish because I kept tearing up and just held on to him tightly and was very clingy. But I'm moving into one of my depression times of the month, especially after not having had to deal with my family (especially my dad) for basically 3 days and then have them back and with all the money and job and all that stuff going on... I just wasn't feeling very good emotionally. It felt so good to just latch on to him and hold on though.

I do feel some better now. Hopefully it'll last and the memory of how it felt to hold him and how it smelled to have him so close will tide me over until I get to see him again in probably a week.

Well it looks like I'll be working at least two jobs while school is in session. At least for a while.

After talking with my parents we think that it will probably be best to work like Thursday and Friday nights and Saturdays (either morning or night) at Pizza Inn and then that would leave Sunday through Wednesday nights free to do homework, rehearsals and relax.

Then for my other job I'd work during the day at my old workstudy job since I have a lot of really big gaps during the day between classes.

I don't really know how I feel about it.

I really want to go back to my workstudy job (it was my first job, I like it a lot, I've done it every semester that I've been at C-N and they want me back), but I've only been working at Pizza Inn really briefly (about three weeks total including the two weeks of training at MoTown and one week so far at Jeff) so I don't feel right about quitting just yet.

I guess I'll try it for a while and if I'm driving myself insane then I'll just drop back to just Saturdays or something.

I really think I will be driving myself insane by trying to do that though now that I think more about it because I'll have to make sure that I find time on like Wednesday I guess to do Friday's homework early as well as Thursday's homework.

I'm going to have to seriously cut back on theater stuff. I don't know how I'm going to handle Greek, Biology, Abnormal Psychology, both theater classes, Alpha Psi, OOMITS, any plays that I'm in as well as working two jobs.

Admittedly, my workstudy job is pretty brainless. And really, pizza making is too. And goodness knows I can use any money I can come by, and if that means working two jobs... I mean neither one will bring much, but you know, $5.15 for whatever hours I work at school and $5.50 - $5.75 at Pizza Inn for probably about 10 hours a week... And I get paid bi-weekly at Pizza Inn, so that's money more regularly than workstudy (once a month)...

*sighs* I just don't know... It might work... Part of Dollywood's problem was always having to get up so early and drive so far and be gone all day, where with Pizza Inn I don't have far to drive (it's only a mile and a half from my house, so it can't really be more than like maybe 3 miles from school) and I have already said that I can only work 10 hours a week and not more than 15 hours a week.

I will probably drive myself more insane than I already am though. And spending time with Aaron looks pretty well shot if I'm working at Pizza Inn on Saturdays.

I don't know. I guess I'll just try it and see.

Also, Aaron has a little project that he wants me to do and he said he'd pay me for it... but I'm still thinking about it and weighing it... I really don't know how even if I wasn't working any other jobs how I'd have time to do it.



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I had a really bad dream last night. Well actually it was several bad dreams. In one of them I drowned and died and that kind of tied in with several of the other dreams because I kept saying in the other dreams "But I'm dead, how can this be happening?"

In one dream I was attacked by a man as I was getting into my car. And you know how dreams will play the same scene over and over again and change it slightly different times? Well that's what happened with this dream. Sometimes I would manage to get my door closed in time, and sometimes I would smash his fingers in the door, and sometimes he'd grab my door and fling it open, and sometimes he'd start to pull it open and I'd get it closed enough to latch... Sometimes my dream would go as far as to let me start to back out of the parking space and drive away, and sometimes I still had my window shades up and I'd be frantically pulling them down...

It was scary. And needless to say I was a little nervous leaving work tonight and getting into my car.

It was all rather disturbing. *sighs*

Anyway... I don't know. I guess I'd probably get to sleep. I'm very nervous about all of the school and work stuff and everything. It's all happening so fast and soon it seems like.

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I'm really torn up about some guy stuff. It's in the other journal.

I'm going now.

I talked to another of my former "flames" tonight. Things are so cold. I can't believe how much I hurt him. I was scared. He wanted to be more than just friends, but we lived far apart. He didn't want to really make things "official" until we had met each other, but we were so ready. We thought we were in love, or nearly so. We thought we were going to get married and be happily ever after.

Admittedly, I think about it often.

I think about him and wonder what it would have been like. What my life would have been like if I had continued to go for him. Would it have worked? It would have been a definitely different dating experience. It would have been more gifts of each other rather than gifts of monitary or earthly value.

But, he has drifted into a "work-a-holic" state as he told me himself....

I looked over the last conversations he and I had on Yahoo before I started dating Aaron and I positively cried. It was so ... sweet... and loving... Yes, lust filled as well, but tender... I miss it.

And as I talked about in my last entry on here, I think I'm still in love with Mike.

Honestly Mike was the reason I got scared with Bradley because I knew Bradley deserved someone who would love him completely and totally, and I knew that there was a chunk of my heart that try as I might was still devoted to Mike.

When Aaron and I started dating, Mike and I had both gotten busy and didn't talk as much as we used to and so I thought that maybe I was over him and that everything would be OK and I could be with Aaron just fine.

I wonder if Mike ever still thinks about me and wishes that we could get together.

I wonder if it even would really work between Mike and me.

I wonder if I will ever get over Mike.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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faeriedustchik : Thanks for being faithful. I e-mailed you the answers to your questions.

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So I got curious about what was happening at KiwiWorld.

So... yeah... it's been a long time since I wrote...

Um...

Aaron and I have been together for over 6 months now. Things are going fairly well. We have of course had some ups and downs but that's a relationship right?

My family all likes him a lot and my youngest brother often says things like "When you and Aaron get married..."

No, there is no engagement yet, but he (Aaron) talks all the time about it.

So... Um.. yeah. I lost whatever it was I was going to say. I got distracted and read some of my other journal... I'd better shut up now.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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faeriedustchik : Did I ever send you a picture of Aaron? I met him in early/mid January online from eMode.com.
MichelleBFan83 : Well I'm online all the time. I just don't get on Kiwi anymore really. Hope everything is going well with Brian or if it's not still going, that it did go well.
shampoo10 : Yeah I know. thanks!!

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Just to let you know, this addition has been added because I'm a stupid person and read some of my other journal.

I really want to just run away and not come back or tell anyone where I'm going. I'm really tired of all the shit that happens. Honestly, you know where I'd really like to run to? Memphis. Yeah it's stupid and hopeless but I'm stuck in the past.

I really fucking miss Mike. I want to try things with him. I just want to be near him. I can't imagine ever being sexual with him honestly. I really can't. But I just want to be near him and laugh with him and hang out with him.

It's too tense with Aaron. He tries too hard to be goofy with me and I just don't feel ...

Damn I need to stop thinking about Mike and reading old conversations with him. He needs to just be something of my past.

Screw it all.