Shit. I just read some old stuff of mine in this journal and I so thought I was over Mike. But every single fucking time I think about him or read old conversations with him or think about the way that I felt about him... Damn!

It does NOT feel the same with Aaron. It isn't the same. I shouldn't have ever agreed to go out with Aaron. I should have just ... waited for Mike. I could have waited forever. I could have! I wonder if he still feels the same way about me.

I jumped back to the entry before last that I wrote some conversations of ours down. Brought me to tears.

SHIT I really need to stop reading this old stuff from Mike. Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I KNOW that I still love him and have always had more fun talking with him. He always makes me happy. With Aaron I'm always just... neutral or trying to keep him happy.

Why can't I be happy with my boyfriend of 6 months? Why can't ... *sighs* I don't know. It's always been different with him. But I was desprate and really wanted to experience a real relationship.

I am such a fucking loser.

So the last time I wrote was ages ago. a whole dumpload of crap has happened since then. there is absolutely no way I can re-cap over 6 months.

Anyway... Tonight I got my very first boyfriend. His name is Aaron and he's a little bit older than me but for the most part everything's perfect.

My little brother just joined Kiwi too.

yeah... ok. I don't know what to talk about.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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TheMomma : Thanks for being faithful!!

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Hey all, thanks for responding last time.

I don't really have anything to write or feel like drudging up something to write. But here's the diaryland link written out so that if making a link doesn't work again you can still get to it.

http://gumonyershoe.diaryland.com

I update that a lot more frequently than I do here and it's got some juicy details on my first kiss and junk. :op (First kiss entry is under "NOT a PG entry" or something like that)

Thanks for the luvs. I send luv back to you all!

Looks like I get here about once a month. Ahh well.

Lets see... My life is crazy, as usual. I don't know what all folks remember about any of my guys but ya know I'm constantly having guy problems.

Right now I've kicked myself of IM for a week. I'll be back on Monday.

My house is rather full at the moment. There are the 7 of us in my family plus my aunt and her 3 kids right now.

I love my job. Been working there for over a month now. I'm used to it now. It took a while but it's all good now. I work with great people. And it's just a fun job. And good benefits though I haven't taken advantage of them a whole lot other than on park.

Um... lets see...

I guess I'll run down my guy problem real fast...

As I mentioned last time, Mike and I are over. Like completely. We don't even really talk any more. We're both too busy. I mean we're still friends and all, but that's it.

Ben and I are pretty serious. But then there's also Chris who I wouldn't mind being serious with and he's just up the road. And Jason was kind of getting serious but I couldn't be anything other than friends with him because he drives me crazy. So I'm taking a break from even talking with him at all.

Ben I have known for about a year. Chris I met sometime during fall semester. They're both sweet and good looking. But Chris hasn't contacted me since I started my no IM, while Ben did call me and e-mail me.

I dunno. I guess we'll see.

I kind of got a lecture for liking the guys just because of their looks and personalities and stuff. That I have to look at how they treat the women in their lives and such. Well ya know, when I can't see them and how they interact and .... *sighs* I dunno. I'm still kind of upset about that.

Any way... I'm going to shut up now.

hope all is going well with you all.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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faeriedustchik : Yes I do have another diary. I have one at diaryland. I update it fairly regularly. My Diaryland Diary If you get the chance to check it out that'll fill you in a lot on my life. Including info on my first kiss. (Though Mike and a couple others say that it doesn't count which is fine with me.)
Ben actually isn't new. I've known him for a couple days longer than I knew Mike.

shampoo10 : Cool 'bout going to a play. Hope it was good.

VirusScan : Uh, sure... I'll try to get around to it...

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[box heading="LATER"]

Right now I'd really like to snuggle/cuddle with someone. And I'd like to kiss some. While my first kiss wasn't with someone that I really cared about and actually Mike and some others tell me that I shouldn't count that as my first kiss, it was a memory and I have experienced it now and I want some more of it...

If I wanted to, I could call Chris and meet up with him in like an hour. He's been wanting to kiss me for a while. And I am attracted to him.

But I kind of feel like I should hold out for Ben. I'll see him in August...

But, I don't know for sure if even when I meet Ben if things will work out between us and we'll make it to where we can be intimate with each other like that.

And I know Chris and I can do it, because last time I saw him we were both ready to kiss each other but he held out 'cause I'd had my "bad" experience just a couple days before. But I had been expecting him to... And we did kind of have that trance thing going on... holding hands...looking into each other's eyes...

*sighs*

*whines* I wanna cuddle. I wanna rub noses and look into his yes and kiss.

*sighs again*

Ok I'm shutting up now.