GumonyerShoe , 27

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks
faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is
still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is
still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that
he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real
close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt
right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel
says to the man says,

"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

11:41 PM

Oh what I wouldn't give to lay my head on his shoulder and have him run his fingers through my hair, twirling my curls. I just want to be close to him. To cuddle with him. I want to feel his body against mine, not in a sexual way necessarily, but just a comforting and comfortable way.

*sighs* Ahh me. But alas, even when I do get to see him at the end of this week, this won't happen. We both need to move slowly. It took time to progress to the point we're at online. I don't think that it will entierly convert from online to in person. That will take time as well.

I do wonder though, will spending the weekend together give him enough of an idea what I'm like to decide whether he wants to make it "official" or not?

If he is what I imagine him to be like, I will accept with little or no hesitation at all.

Ahh me.

Vanyaminë melme Manveru.

I think I am on restriction.

I'm not allowed to do a lot of things now. We've been having family meetings and basically our family has been discinigrating and of course a good portion of it is my fault.

I'm not really supposed to talk with or especially not like Mike any more. Even though just the other day they were telling me what a good influence they thought he was, what with my eating habits and actually changing the sheets on my bed. They think that he has been spiritually harmful (I can't think of the word I want) to me. I don't think it was Mike at all. I think I'd been headed down the road of "Independent Thinking" for a while and my friendship with Mike just happened to come along at the same time.

I'm really scared about going to Memphis now. We're still going, but Dad's going with the intent to chew Mike out. I don't want to go if that's what's going to happen.

I don't really know what to do because I'm not supposed to talk with any non-Christians any more, or any Christians who don't match up with my parents standard of Christianity.

A lot of my 'restriction' isn't what I was told this is what you have to do, but it's what I have picked up on from vocal intonation and body language.

I don't think I'll be back to First Christian Church. I don't think that I really can initiate conversation with Mike (or Ben, or Aaron or a lot of people) (But if they initiate the conversation with me, I will converse.) I need to spend as much time with my family that I can (school and work stuff still comes first, but I have to spend all other time that's possible with family).

Yeah it kind of sucks. Most other people who go to college are away from their family and it's no biggie. But me? No, I'm a commuter. I live with my parents. I am part of a family, and that means that I have to be there with the family.

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My parents don't want me to like Mike any more. They don't understand what's wrong with someone from Johnson Bible College or Carson-Newman.

Well, none of them have ever showed an interest in me.

They say that it's no wonder "you don't have any friends" since all I ever do is "stay up too late talking with Mike or Ben or whoever it is so then all you can do is sleep in a corner between classes."

I started to say that I have friends, but was cut off. I tried to say that I don't stay up late talking to Mike and Ben because they both go to bed. But, then it was just continued to be thundered "or whoever it is."

I really want to cry, but I'm not allowed to cry either. Every time I've cried it's been documented and thrown back at me throughout this whole situation.

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And so, I will learn silence. I should be sent away to be a wife of a Muslim influenced man, though he cannot be Muslim himself, because he must be a Christian that stands up to my parents standards.

If this cannot be, I will stay unmarried forever. Using my gift of thespianism to appear to be a happy person. Never down. Always happy because I am with my family. Because with family and God, what else do you need?

5:09 AM

..*Mike* Holds the key to my heart.. <3
..Who Holds the key to yours?..

*sighs* Mike's so great.

I have a kind of interesting PMS symptom... I get depressed right after my period.

Well I was kind of bashing myself in my diaryland diary (which I write in more regularly than here) and Mike reads my diaryland diary and he told me that he wanted me to stop beating myself up that it hurts him when I do that. Here... let me see if I can find the conversation. I saved it of course.

Mike: reading your diary
me: ahh
Mike: I would like to read an excerpt from your diary
Mike: I've been having Zach-syndrom lately too. Just the other day I was thinking "What right do you have to tell Mike that you like him? What right do you have to like him at all? He so totally deserves someone much better than you!"
Mike: Want to tell you something, I think that you are by far the sweetest, most grounded girl I have ever known, and if I were to pick, I would say it was definitely you
Mike: because your funny, your down to earth, and your sincere
Mike: don't let anyone take away from that
Mike: even yourself
Mike: and I don't need a response :)
me: thanks.
Mike: just wanted to let you know
Mike: if a perfect match had fallen from the sky it would probably be more off than you
Mike: Beyond perfection :)
me: *laughs*
Mike: well, besides the fact you haven't watched Space Balls
Mike: ;)
Mike: but we are going to have to remedy that
me: :-D sounds good to me.
Mike: okay, so no more of that in your Journal, I mean it
me: ;) But it's my journal.
Mike: I don't care!
me: *laughs*
Mike: I hate seeing you beat yourself up
Mike: it hurts me
Mike: it hurtses us
me: Aww. I'll try not to then.
Mike: evil hobitses
me: don't want you to be hurt. I don't care about myself, but don't want you to hurt.
Mike: hehe
Mike: okay, good we got that settled
Mike: felt that was important
me: :) ok

Now, the day before I kind of flipped out and told him I love him and stuff and he told me he wasn't quite ready to say that he loves me, but he does have feelings for me...

Mike: I've kinda known for a while :)
Mike: hehe, your not too hard to read :)
me: I figured you did... but... the song kept pounding in my head and I can't remember all the lines right now but there's one that said something like always assumed but never said...
me: I know. I'm very transparent
Mike: hehe
Mike: Ahh
Mike: well, I fully trust that you will survive this trip
me: Oh I did. I'm fine.
me: Spring Break worries haven't hit me quite yet.
Mike: heh
me: I just had a really bad feeling about tonight... but it ended up being OK.
Mike: I do have feelings for you too, I won't say true love, but I do have feelings for you. I can't say love until I actually meet you :)
Mike: I've always been very stingy on that word
me: I figured as much. that's perfectly fine.
Mike: I've only used it with 3 people in my life, and 2 of them were my parents
Mike: and honestly, I don't remember if I used it with the 3'rd
me: :)
Mike: but I figure better to overestimate ;)
me: heh
Mike: I will be highly upset if you are injured in any kind of van accident
Mike: so don't get in one
Mike: otherwise I will come down there and beat whoever hit you senseless
me: heh
Mike: :)
Mike: especially if it was their fault
me: I just get paranoid with the whole "what if I died? who would tell my friends? what would happen?"
Mike: and if they were drinking, I will take a beer bottle and shove it squarely up there
me: *laughs*
Mike: you could always use this http://daisyman.arsware.org/dms/
me: ahh yes... I've heard about that before
Mike: heh, people think of everything :)
me: guess so
me: but any way... I know I kind of freaked out, and I went over and over it before I finally sent it, but I felt convicted to send it, so I finally did.
Mike: hehe, nothing lost :)
me: just didn't want to weird anything out... but I think I'm the one who's weirding out.
Mike: lol, calm down about everything
Mike: now!
me: Ok. I'm trying...I just spent several hours with the OOMITS people... I'm really high strung...
Mike: I want you to know, I took a long read of that E-mail and went, "yeah, and then?, I already know all this" :P
me: haha ok
Mike: then I thought, man, is this some sort of experimental van?
me: well... roads were rainy, 14 people in a 15 passenger van when they're only supposed to put 11 in and Josh was driving (Josh is a good driver, but he's still pretty "young")
Mike: heh, I see :)
Mike: well, trust me, you lived

So any way... :o) He may not be ready to say it, but with the way he talks, I would say he does and I'm as sure that I love him as I have been sure about anything.

..*Mike* Holds the key to my heart.. <3
..Who Holds the key to yours?..

4:47 AM

I probably don't have a whole lot to write about... and then I also do. Does that make any sense? Last time I wrote was on the 9th of last month. Crazy.

Well, Romeo and Juliet went well. Opening night we broke a sword and a wrist. I think we broke another sword or two through the whole thing. Several of the cast members were sick. On the last day both our Lady Capulets were sick, but the less sick of the two (she could actually stand up and walk) did the show even though she wasn't scheduled to.

The broken wrist was the Juliet "on duty." It was dark and she fell off the back of the balcony near the end of the show. She finished the show and even did the other one she was scheduled to do.

Now I'm participating in a senior project... we're doing "Harvey." I'm Betty Chumley.

I've been really frustrated with my parents lately.

My school's raising tuition.

There are times when I'm really tempted to drop out of school and move to Memphis and get a job over there and be closer to Mike. But that's a really stupid idea. So, I'm still here. Besides, Mike told me to stay in school. *sighs*

Spring break's coming up. Starts on the 6th and goes through the 16th. It'll be weird to be with out a computer for that long. It'd be really hard if I didn't have any contact with Mike that long. But he bought us a phone card and gave me the information so I could use it too. We've yet to use it 'cause we so far have always used our cellphones.

Well, I was thinking about talking more about Mike, but I think I'll go to the other journal for that.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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ItalianBeauty : Yeah. Hopefully it'll work out. I don't see any reason it won't right now.

shampoo10 : Cool 'bout going to the plays. I like going to plays... Don't really get to go to them to watch so much though.

TheMomma : Yep..

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..*Mike* Holds the key to my heart.. <3
..Who Holds the key to yours?..