GumonyerShoe , 27

2:54 AM

Recently I decided (again) that I need to break things off with Mark. Things had gotten to a very bad level. Aaron ordered me to break it off with Mark.

Now relationships, especially ones where you have been sexually intimate, are not easy ones to break off. Luckily, we had gotten to a point in our relationship where we could handle it. Especially since I am a rather mature person for my age and he was most definitely an adult at 40 years of age. (I did not know he was 40 when we began our relationship. And our relationship started out as a friendship. Things just went the wrong way.)

I have been crying a lot today about it though. First I got the e-mail where he asked me if we could still be friends. And I couldn't handle answering him right then. I cried for a while. Talked with some friends who advised me to run away from "that creep" as fast as I could.

Finally I replied to the e-mail and tried to explain why we couldn't be friends. I did not tell him this, but in a year I am planning on contacting him and seeing how he's doing and such.

He replied and oh my dump he makes it hard. He was so supportive. So loving. Gah! once again, I have cried for several minutes.

And yes, I know anyone who reads this will be completely lost. I don't feel like going into it again right now. Judge me if you wish. You just don't know the whole story. And even if you did, you would still judge me and fine. But I feel that I have had an important experience. I don't know if I would repeat it if I knew what I know now. There was a lot of pain and fear involved. And things happened that I do not think I was ready for and wish that I had waited to have experienced. But right now, I feel that I have loved and been loved.

Kevin told me I need to take a sabatical from guys period but especially online guys. I have not yet decided how long my sabatical will be, but I do know it will be very difficult with Mike and Ben still in my life.

I have learned my lesson though. And I will try to do what Kevin said. Treat them as brothers. I shall try. And I do with Mike and Ben I think. They're slightly different than brothers as we have a tiny bit of flirting thrown in, but for the most part, they're just other people. Yes, people I am very fond of, but I am very fond of Jessica and Nikki and Brittany and many others male and female as well. So you know... maybe it won't be so hard. But I'm just a little worried about like when Ben comes. I've been imagining we might hold hands and imagining hugging him and stuff... But you can hug a brother... just plain friends don't usually hold hands though.

any way.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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TheMomma : aye, yes. At times.

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3:37 AM

So I've had a really good time tonight. And a really bad time. I was dealing with Cris... I've decided that Nicole is right and guys who are named "Christopher" whether they go by "Chris" or "Cris" are pains. :-p Actually, Chris wasn't bad except I was stupid and wasn't completely honest with him from the beginning. I was honest with Cris and well yeah. *sighs*

You know, on the one hand being "taken" would be nice, but on the other hand, being "not taken" is nice too. Limbo is not nice. 'Cause see, if you're totally "free" then you can pick whoever you want and junk. But if you're taken, hopefully dorks would leave you alone. But I am in the inbetweenie stage. Just waiting semi-patiently for a certian someone. I wonder if he even knows... I think he does.

Any way, so the fun stuff today has been Mike's new phone and Vivian & Caleb.

Mike has this new phone that has AIM on it and a "full keyboard" so he can actually talk and not spend 10 minutes trying to say something short and simple like he had to do with a regular phone's key pad. So any way, I know he's been enjoying it and I have as well because now I have "access" to him like almost all the time. He was "taking me with him" at work when he was bored. We went to the mail room and the supply room "together" with the ability of his phone.

Mike: Okay, I think I'm going to check the mail room for new mail :)
me: Okie dokie
Mike: It's about the only exercise I get while I'm at work
me: heh
Mike: Nope, nothing new
me: *laughs* So how far is your mail room?
Mike: Okay, exploring supply room
me: hehe!
Mike: Nothing new
me: How sad. Nothing new.
Mike: Ooooh faxes for me
me: Oooh!
Mike: Mail room is one hall over
me: Ahh.
Mike: You got to come along for the trip :P
me: :-D I wondered.

And he has some friends over so every now and then when he has some down time or whatever he'll IM me and we'll talk for a few minutes. So that's been fun/interesting.

The other fun stuff of the night was my friend Vivian. Vivian and I met on our Brasil trip. We were on the same team and actually roomies. She's one of the few I still keep in touch with. I must say she's gotta be one of my best friends. We are just totally crazy together sometimes. And have some pretty cool memories together because of the Brasil trip. We may not have seen each other since July of 2000 but we're still pretty close.

Any way, I was talking with Vivian and having a great time and then Caleb (Scooby on SLTeens) got on and I was talking with him and he asked what was up or something like that (you know) and I (being the honest person I am) told him exactly what I was doing, talking with him and Vivian and listening to a new CD. So he sent hsi greetings to Vivian and she sent her greetings back and so on and so forth and finally I wised up and made an AIM chat for the 3 of us. Things got a little crazy (I just about had to fess up to being at the very least bi. *laughs* Long story... I could go into it if I wanted but I won't now.)

Oh, I got a new CD. 38th Parallel - Turn the Tides. Very cool.

Ok. this is like really long. All I have to say is...

*voice of Plucky Duck* Gandalf go down the hoooole.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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shampoo10 : Wow... hope you continue to get some more sleep. Getting 6 hours isn't very much!!

TheMomma : Ouch! Not good!!

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10:01 PM

Last night I got to talk to both Mike and Ben. My time with Mike ROCKED

Mike: How's it going?
Annaka: Pretty good. How about for you?
Mike: pretty good here too, getting ready for new years
Annaka: Cool. :)
Annaka: Whatcha gonna do for it?
Mike: we're having a party over here
Annaka: Oooh spiffy
Mike: yes indeed
Annaka: :)
Mike: wish you could be here
Annaka: I wish I could too.

...

Annaka: Haven't had much to do today other than sleep and think... Don't mean to embarrass you, but I thought about you a lot.
Mike: I don't quite know how to respond :)
Annaka: Well, at least you tagged a smilie on the end. ;) I'll take that as a good sign. It's Ok. I wouldn't know how to respond either.
Mike: and yea, the smily does indicate that it wasn't a bad thing :P
Annaka: :) Ok good.
Mike: just lack of response :P
Mike: I'll think of something good to say sometime tomorrow probably :)
Annaka: :) Ok.
Annaka: *laughs* that works.
Mike: Holidays are always the hardest time of year
Annaka: yeah
Mike: everyone is with the one they love
Annaka: Or wishing they could be. :-p
Mike: it really drives the concept home
Mike: indeed
Annaka: *nods*
Mike: It's hard cause all my friends are with someone
Mike: you gotta hang around them, and it's like, the odd one out
Annaka: mmhmm
Mike: but, I won't let it get me down, I'm stronger than it :)
Mike: muahahaha overcome
Annaka: :-D
Annaka: Good job. ;)

...
(I sent this part of the conversation to Jessica so there are some comments from her in here too)

Mike: *cough* okay, back to normal mode :)
Annaka: *laughing* Is that possible?
Mike: only for short moments
Annaka: What is "normal" mode?
Mike: the position that exists between sleep and awake
Annaka: Oooh
Mike: eg. groggy
Annaka: That position doesn't last very long..
Annaka: oh
Annaka: well, groggy can.
Mike: heh, 30 minutes at the most
Jessica: hahah
Jessica: you guys are great
Mike: then I do stuff that all groggy people do
Annaka: *laughs* such as?
Mike: stumble around, break alarm clocks, and try to make breakfast
Annaka: *lol*
Annaka: Breaking of alarm clocks is fun until they're needed again.
Mike: yes
Mike: being awoken that quickly was not nice on my body, because I would skip the groggy step and go straight to wide awake
Annaka: Ahh yes.
Mike: which the groggy step is necessary to maintain sanity
Mike: in my belief that is
Annaka: Skip all normalacy
Annaka: yes
Annaka: because one must have a little normalacy in their life.
Mike: as a broken clock is right twice a day, I believe we are all normal twice a day
Annaka: and if the groggy or between sleep and awake stage is the normal part...
Annaka: ;)
Mike: and only I can draw that connection
Mike: and only you can prevent forest fires
GumonyerShoe: :-D
GumonyerShoe: Is anyone else allowed to draw that connection or is it reserved for you and you alone?
Mike: just me, It's patented
Annaka: Oooh ok.
Annaka: GumonyerShoe: Well thank you for drawing that connection then. ;)
Mike: patent number #103929393
Annaka: Alrighty then. :-D
Mike: Taiwanese Patent #1392911
Annaka: Oh, they're different?
Mike: yes, because they use digital clocks ;)
Annaka: GumonyerShoe: Ahh! I see!
Mike: okay, I think the normalcy switch broke off the in the weird position
Annaka: Well, I like the weird position. It's fun.
Mike: :)
Mike: see, that's what I like about you, besides you being able to write HTML, you have a good sense of humor :)
Annaka: :) Well thank you.
Mike: all my friends just look at me like I'm Mr. Bizarro when I come up with this stuff, it ruins the fun
Annaka: How unfortunate, yet, so fun.
Mike: heh
Mike: whee!
Annaka: :-D
Mike: If I had a bar stool, I'd spin in it for effect
Annaka: *LOL*
Mike: but alas, I'm in a computer chair which is broken and if I spun in it would most likely cause me great injury
Annaka: Well then don't do that. :-p
Mike: Don't worry, I won't
Annaka: Good
Mike: hmm, great injury.... where'd that cat go
Mike: j/k :)
Annaka: hehehe
Annaka: *begins humming* There's a cat in the kettle at the Peking Moon...
Mike: We always kid about that cat, but we like it too much
GumonyerShoe: Yeah
Mike: hehehehe
Mike: yeah, we've threatened to eat it before too
Mike: we told it flat out that it better get it's act together or it might be supper tomorrow :P
Annaka: Oooh, I've eaten Chinese I think twice in the last week or so.
Annaka: heh heh heh
Mike: hehehe
Mike: Did you have the chicken?
Mike: or I should say "Chicken"
Annaka: Aye, I did have some chicken.
Annaka: heh yeah
Mike: what did you get?
Annaka: I had some "beef" too I think.

...

Mike: gotta run
Mike: everyone just got back
Annaka: Ahh ok
Mike: been nice talking with yas again :)
Mike: missed you while you were gone
Annaka: yep yep
Annaka: :) I missed you too
Mike: I'll catch ya later. Have a happy new years!
Annaka: have a good time. talk with you later. And next time I talk with you it'll probably be 2003.
Mike: yep, talk to ya next year ;)
Annaka: You too. :) Take care.
Annaka: Yep. ;)

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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TheMomma : thanks

Wannabe_Dead : Sorry you felt that way. I don't necessarily mean to write to please the audience, just to record happenings.

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9:25 PM

I'm on the mend. I don't really have a cough to speak of and I'm not achy any more. I am still very light headed, but other than that I'm OK I think.

I slept most of yesterday in the car. As I told Mike, I didn't have much to do other than sleep and think.

Today I slept until 5:00. It was crazy! I definitely must say that I think all the sleep is what has gotten me so much better so quickly though.

New Year's Eve my family played Skipbo. I was feeling light headed and stuff and Caleb was being a brat so I excused myself and came down to my room and played The Sims until Mark IMed me and then while I was talking to Mark, Mike IMed me so I talked with Mike for a long time. Had a really good conversation. Might write about that elsewhere.

After I wrote last time I checked out that virus Momma mentioned. Freaked me out 'cause I had some of the symptoms. We did get some mousetraps and I ended up catching one adult and 3 babies within minutes of each other. I know there's still at least one, maybe two that haven't been caught yet though.

We went to my aunt's to help her move (which is why I was in the car on New Year's Eve) but I wasn't able to help a whole lot. Very weak and dizzy and light headed. I mostly just watched over the baby. Slept a lot. I'm mostly better though. I can breath much easier and don't cough nearly as much and don't really hurt any where. Just still very light headed and dizzy.

Well I don't know what else to say right now. So I guess that'll be it.

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Shoutouts to people who responded

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shampoo10 : yeah. Hmm... May have to try that out sometime... (the BBQ potato chips)

TheMomma : I know! It's so annoying! My mom and I hadn't ever heard of hanta virus. I checked it out after you said that.

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"A choice between two boys"

A tear rises in my eye
my throat is tight
The feelings confuse me
I need to make a decision
I cannot have them both
Both so far away
yet both so dear to my heart.

I want to cry over you both
yet the tears just won't come
I'm afraid to let you know
just how much you mean to me.
I love you both dearly
yet only one can I have
I wish I knew the answer
as to which one I should take

One I think would say
"My blessing on you"
and go his way
I'm afraid I would cry.
Is your willingness
to let me go
Your way of showing your
love
or that you don't feel the same?

I don't know how the other would respond
such a situation has not risen before
I think I know you though
I think you too would let me go
because you're a gentleman
and dare I say?
I think you love me so

I have many times
stilled my hand
from saying
"I love you"
to both

One
I think would say
"I love you too"
in return
The other
I'm afraid would say
"It is too soon"

Oh my dear boys
why does this happen?
Neither close
yet both oh so close
in my heart

My two boys
both so right
yet cannot both be right
Someone must move on

I cannot bear to lose
either one of you
my two loves
my two dears

I feel that tear
rising
My throat
tightning

Why can't this be clear?
A choice I hate to make
Decisions I fear
Are either
"The One"
or is he still
out there
©12.28.02

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This was written about two guys that I really like. (duh) On, Dec. 21, I was trying to sleep but kept thinking about them and I felt like I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come so I decided I needed to write. What resulted was most of this poem. Then tonight (Dec 28) I was looking at the poem again and decided I'd see about editing and finishing it up. I actually didn't edit a whole lot, but I did add some. I'm still not sure how good this one is, and it's still pretty raw... but it's raw with what I was thinking and feeling (my "raw emotion") at the time.