GumonyerShoe , 27

3:41 AM

I'm sitting here thinking about sleep but also thinking about my guys. I feel like a decision needs to be made but I cannot decide. This is what my delema was earlier... See I was writing the entry for two journals and I didn't want to go into the whole issue in the other place I had my journal at... But here I feel more free to do so.

Right now so much of my life is wrapped around Ben and Mike that's like all I can think about (I'm totally glad it's Christmas break right now because otherwise this would be very very bad and not just very bad.)

For conversations mostly between Mike and me go to the Guy Journal. It explains things better and in greater detail.

In short though, the deal is that I feel like I love them both. And I love them both so much it hurts and because I love them both so much it hurts even worse 'cause I know that I cannot have them both.

*~*~*~*~*~

On another note, Mark made another song out of another one of my poems. :o) I think I still like the first one more, but they're both so good.

---

Loyal Supporters

---

shampoo10 : Cool. And thanks.

TheMomma : yeah, thanks and thanks.

---

1:44 AM

I hate this. I know now for sure that Ben really does care for me. And Mike told me a couple months ago that he did and I think he still does.

Here's what Ben said:
"it's kind of hard, to be fond of somebody like I am you and yet being so far away......:("

and then: "I've had a thought......when I come to visit, perhaps I could sleep in a sleeping bag at your parents'......." not "if" but when he comes to visit. He has been talking about coming to visit during his spring break or in the summer. Talking quite a bit about Spring break actually. 'Cause he said something about looking forward to March the other day...

I hate this. I love them both so much it hurts.

I'm looking through past convos with Mike right now... trying to find where he told me he liked me... I found this in September 8th's conversation though...

Mike: I'm just not a very good functional single person
me: aww.
Mike: I'm just kinda emotionally halved
...
Mike: the 2 months I was with my last girlfriend was about the only time I felt complete in my life
...
Mike: it was rather mean because it gave me a taste of what it was like to be with someone then had it ripped away
...
Mike: I just want to find someone that wants to commit long term to making a relationship work
Mike: but that's a hard thing to find these daysw
...
me: I know that if I get 'involved' with anyone I will pour my whole self into it, but I'm scared that it would die. And I am not really sure how I'd handle that.
Mike: it ripped me to shreds
me: yeah
Mike: it feels absolutely horrible
me: :(
Mike: like someone tore you in half
Mike: not to scare you or anything :)

October 7
Mike: I've just about given up on meeting most people in real life that I've met on the net
me: I haven't. There are a lot of people that I still intend to meet someday. Like you. I have no idea when it will be, but I really really really want to meet you in person someday.

Ahh! here it is!
October 9
Mike: let me say this, while I do have feelings for you, don't let them hold you back
Mike: the good chance is that we will never meet, and if you have someone in real life, I say go for it
Mike: I won't be hurt, and I'm fine with our friendship just continuing as before :)
me: Ok.
me: I guess the main problem I'm having is as of right now, I care more for you than I do for the guy here. But I am willing to give him a chance, if it doesn't bother you. But if it bothered you, I still feel a first commitment to you.
Mike: give him a shot :)
me: ok
Mike: your on the other side of Tennessee and we are both pretty entrenched in different things
me: yeah...
me: I still really want to meet you someday.
Mike: same here =)
me: :)
Mike: I just wish it could be sooner rather than later. It's just with everything happening now at work, it's getting to hectic
me: *nods* And with me and school.

That makes me want to cry every time I read it.

But then I have from recently... like just the other night...

Dec 17
We were talking about engagement rings 'cause his best friend and friend's fiancee were arguing over engagement rings

Mike: she wants a diamond ring for christmas, and he's been trying to explain that he can't afford it
Mike: I feel sorry for him, I wouldn't be able to deal with her. Too materialistic
Mike: she's a nice person, just like I said, way too materialistic
me: yeah
me: I've never really understood the whole deal with the diamond ring...
Mike: I haven't either
Mike: Diamond's aren't really even precious, they've just been designed to be precious by corporations
me: Yeah...
Mike: the whole idea of diamonds being engagement rings and the like comes mostly from diamond brokers and they're massive ad campaigns
me: *nods*
...
me: You know... I don't even like diamonds that much... I've always found them boring... don't know why though.
Mike: heh, they are just expensive, that's all
Mike: that's all people like them for is that they are expensive
Mike: "show me your love by spending all your money on me"
me: *nods* I actually think that might be part of why I don't like them too... I personally don't see the sense in doing that.
Mike: and then they can show it off and say, look how much money he spent on me
me: *rolls eyes* Yeah
Mike: I guess that's why I don't have a girlfriend :)
Mike: I'm far too picky
me: And that's probably why most guys don't understand me. *shrugs*
Mike: I just don't like the idea that someone is so materialistic that they basicly have to be bought
me: Yeah same here.
...
Mike: I don't think I'll ever understand
me: ;) Maybe you don't need to.
Mike: hehe, I'd like to understand :)
me: I'm female and even I don't understand a lot of that stuff.
Mike: yes, but it doesn't look like you have the same thought patterns as a lot of them
me: True... Which is probably why I've never really had a boyfriend... I'm not what most guys expect in a girl.
Mike: :)
...
me: The other day I was thinking about rings ('cause I saw a link somewhere that was "see what the latest trend in engagement rings is!" and I was curious at what all the rage was 'cause I've never been into the rage any way) and I began wondering how such things come up... Like how to discuss "Um, I don't really like diamond rings." Guess it just comes up though. *laughs*
Mike: lol :)
Mike: now how about a 14k ring that has some elvish text on it
me: I've seen those. and those are way cool.
me: I saw one that had stuff about love on it that I really liked.
Mike: http://www.zonabon.com/store/newlineshop-com/14k-solid-gold-lord-of-the-rings-one-ring.html
Mike: If I had $300 to spend I'd get it :)
Mike: http://ancientmemories.com/am/elfring.htm
Mike: that one?
me: Yeah. That's the one. And it's in silver too which I generally prefer.
me: Oh wow... they have it in lots of metals
Mike: yeah :)
me: Any way... that's cool that you knew of the other ring too though.
Mike: heh, I find it cool that you like LOTR :)
me: :-D
me: Well I find it cool that you do too.
Mike: hehe :)

and tonight
I was talking about growing my hair back out and he said

Mike: if it's worth anything I like longer hair :P

and then I asked him about a beard...

me: Just curious...have you ever thought about growing a beard/goatee?
Mike: I've considered it
me: yeah?
Mike: yeah, just never have decided to do it
me: Ahh
Mike: I think I'd look odd :)
me: Ahh. Ok. Well if you ever decide to try it, you've my vote in favour of at least trying it.
Mike: I'll log that in the fors :)
me: not that my vote matters...
me: ok
Mike: hehe, every vote counts :)
me: ;) Ok.
Mike: of course, I control 51% of the shares, so :P
me: *laughs*
Mike: All I say is it's counted. Wether it actually matters, that's a whole different story. mauahahahaha :P
Mike: j/k, I usually try to keep my shareholders happy :)
me: *LOL*
me: Well, I know I'm a minority, but for some reason I like facial hair. So I'm always in favour of it being tried. ;)
Mike: hehe, I see :)
Mike: I wish I could order like a preview shot to see what it would look like
me: That'd be COOL!
Mike: like ask an alternate dimension version of myself to send me a picture
me: Hey, there ya go!

So... maybe? *sighs* I think he may still like me... And I still definitely like him...

I was advised that I should tell both Mike and Ben about each other "just in case" kind of thing, but I couldn't stand to hurt Mike again. I think telling him that there is someone else again even though I still like Mike a whole lot I'm just afraid that he'll get it in his head that I'm not committed. But what I'm not committed to is someone who I'm not sure whether they are committed not.

See... I don't know whether with Mike it's a case of he cares enough for me that he's willing to 'let me go,' or if he doesn't care that much.

I don't know what Ben would say...

For the most part I still see myself ultimately with Mike. But right now I'm just really close to Ben. He's who dominates my thoughts right now because we've been talking a lot more lately. And because I have seen his face a lot more. We talk through Yahoo and use web cams. I can see how his face lights up at a joke, or see the pain in his face when we talk about being so far away.

Both of them I imagine cuddling up to and holding and helping them feel secure and letting them help me feel secure.

*sighs* It hurts.

I've wanted to tell Ben especially lately that I love him, and I've wanted to tell Mike that for a long time...

I just checked some things and I actually met Mike a day before I met Ben. But really I met them at roughly the same time. But Ben and I didn't really talk much until real recently. Ben and my first recorded conversation is September 2nd, though we'd sporratically exchanged e-mails for a while before then. Mike and I go back almost nightly all the way back to June 20th.

I just don't know what to do.

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

charmed_one84 : That's good. And thanks... It just doesn't seem that way sometimes...

Marlanicole : Thanks. I know "Boys are poop." right? ;o)

---

My package of skittles just had 2 red ones. How sad. It was mostly orange.

Well Christmas break has "officially" started for me now. Today was the last day of work until January 2nd. *sighs* January 2. That's when I go back to work. My boss was like "Annaka, you know some students like to actually take their breaks." and I'm just sadly nodding. You see, I don't have much of a choice. This semester I was working 10 hrs a week the whole semester until the very end so I had a lot of hours that I could have been working that I didn't because I didn't know I needed to. But it turns out that I needed to be working 13 hours a week. Which means that I've had to work through Christmas break.

Everyone says that the first semester is the most difficult. I sure hope so. This semester wasn't really that hard, it's just working everything out I guess.

Got my grades today. Like the official they mail 'em to you ones. All A's except History which was a C. Just like I knew from checking online.

I made "The Dean's List" for having a 3.50 GPA or higher this semester. The letter I got the other day told me to check the list outside Dr. Arrington's office. I did today when I wasn't doing anything else and was terribly bored. I didn't see my name. But I got the letter and my parents got the letter and supposidly one of my advisors got the letter. *shrugs* Not like it does anything other than give me unnecessary attention and praise. Now if it would say...pay for my books or my tuition next semester or something. That'd be nice. Yeah...

So... Glenda gave me some cappucino mix today. And chocolate. Yeah... the Alumni Relations office is great.

I've a delemma but I don't feel like talking about it here. So just know that I've a delemma. K? 'Kay.

Ooh! Mark, a guy I met online who's a soldier stationed in Korea, he took one of my poems and put music to it and it is SO GOOD! I'm so impressed. I like it. He made a sound file (MP3 perhaps..) and sent it to me. It's like one of my favourite songs right now.

Well, I can't think of any of the other things I was going to ramble about so I guess I'll just stop here.


Good grief! I got a lot of responses last time!

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

Dragonesss : Yuck. :op

FlirtySexKitten : Yeah. I think 10 years older is the highest I'd go... Well even if they're young and cute I'm not gonna flash 'em. :-p

heyHOWDYhey : Like your s/n. And yeah.

HoTLiKeFiRe483 : They'd seen pictures. And I doubt they'd stalk me. There's one guy who lives about half an hour to an hour away from me and one is like 3.5 hours away (the 41 yo) and I don't know on the others... But even so, I doubt they'd stalk me. I'm not worth it to stalk.

phatbeats : Mmm... yes, but I don't usually tell people off.

shampoo10 : heh That is a thought. But they could actually see me 'cause I had my web cam on I think... or maybe I didn't at that point. Dunno. Any way, I don't really get a kick out of making up stories online 'cause even if I did I couldn't remember them and then it wouldn't be consistent. I don't have a problem with telling people I'm five feet nine or ten inches and 255 pounds apx. For me, why make something up when I can just tell the truth and get 'em to hopefully bug off?

Silverdawgs : yep yep. I agree. And your response made sense to me 'cause I've been in the same exact situation this year. *sighs*

TheMomma : yeah... and as for not being able to be found... I don't mind it sometimes. Sometimes I can meet cool people. But other times... *rolls eyes*

Venus11622 : Ben's cute in his own way... The very first pictures I saw of him I didn't find him overly attractive but as we've talked through web cams and I've gotten to know him more and stuff his looks have grown on me and I do find him attractive. But then, I also think Mike (my other crush) is cute and they're about as opposite as can be. Neither one of 'em are what I would consider "hot" but they're both cute.

---

2:43 AM

Well I finally got to talk to Mike again. We've just not been on at the same time lately. But we finally caught each other tonight.

His friend and friend's fiancee were arguing over engagement rings. The girl wants to get a diamond ring for Christmas and the guy can't afford it. So Mike started talking about how materialistic he felt it was and stuff. I told him that I'd actually been thinking about that recently and I agreed with him. We talked a long time about engagement rings. And he asked me about a particular ring and I told him that i'd thought about that one as well and I really liked it. He seemed pleased by this.

Any way... Things are good with him. And things are good with Ben...

Ben said that he wished he could come look for Saturn with me, but it's finals week at his school and it's a 14+ hr drive from there to here.

*sighs* They're both so great. I can't wait to meet both of them. But I also dred having to someday make a choice. :os

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

TheMomma : heh right.

---

1:48 AM

This should probably go in the 'guy journal' but I feel like putting it here so just :op deal with it. (Update: There's actually more/other guy situations in there too... I've just had a guy intense day. *sighs*)

I am so dumpin' tired of being found attractive. Or at least being told that I'm attractive. It was just about the last straw today when this 41 year old man was IMing me and he asked me how tall I was and when I told him he said "Wow! I like your height!" and I'm kind of 'uh, excuse me?' I just said "*laughs* You like my height?" and he's like "Yeah, I like tall girls. Short girls are so painful to kiss." I'm like WOAH! Slow down dude. So I'm five feet nine or ten inches, that doesn't mean you, sir, are going to be kissing me. So he's telling me how "sexy" I am and I'm like "Uh, thanks...I think... I'm not sure "sexy" is what I'm going for. Though, I don't know what I am going for..." and he's like "hehe I don't think any of us do. You just have to date all types." And he asked me if I'd ever thought about dating an older man and I'm thinking 'Well, people tell me Ben @ 24 is awfully old for me.' but I said "I guess I haven't really thought about it...Most people think I'm crazy for even thinking about a 25 year old." and he laughed and said he'd be the same way or something like that and I'm going "huh?" and he said something like "People would think I was crazy for dating an 18." and I'm like dump yeah you'd be crazy for dating an 18 year old. And that 18 year old would be crazy to be dating you!! That's like about old enough to be my father (just because my dad was about 33 when I was born doesn't mean that some people aren't younger when they have kids) I didn't say all this to him... But he showed me his pictures... Reminded me of a line from Fiddler on the Roof "But mamma! He's bald. He has no hair." The reply is "Well, a husband is not for looking at is he?" or something like that. ANY DUMPIN' WAY, this all made me slightly uncomfortable. And he kept saying how I needed to come visit Nashville and he'd show me around. Now, I've been wanting to visit Nashville, but not to visit him! He kept telling me how cute and sexy I was. And he said something about dating me and that he was just a couple hours away. The very last thing he said to me was he asked me my thoughts on sex. *shudders* Oh, he's a part of the Catholic church too which I found kind of interesting...

And then this 23 y.o. soldier IMed me and asked me if I got naked on cam. I said "no" but he continued pestering me. He just wanted a little flash. "Do it for your country." Dump yeah I'm gonna do it for my country! :-p I told him I wouldn't flash if my life depended on it. Told him he didn't wanna see a fat girl naked any way and he said that he liked a little meat on his women and I told him meat is muscle, fat is fat. He didn't agree. He said that he wanted to judge himself whether I was fat or not. *rolls eyes* I told him even if I were so inclined to just give a 'little flash,' 'little flashes' lead to more and more, a little of this a little more of that and so on. He said "I promise I won't ask for more." Yeah, I've heard that one before. "Yes, but this is an honest soldier!" Riiiight. Ironic thing about it was his s/n was mrrighteous1.

And Chris was the same way as Mr41 up there... Constantly talking about wanting to kiss me and how all my reservations would be gone once he could hold me and kiss me. And he once said something about it just being easier to kiss me or something... ended up he was a little shorter than me, but we thought he was going to be taller than me.

And then there's Jason who also wanted a web cam girl show. Gahh, Look people I'm not the kind of girl you wanna see naked! Give it a rest will you?

At least some guys can hold their peace. I don't know how much Mike or Ben might've thought about dating me or kissing me or even if they have, but if they have, they've at least kept their peace about it! Ben and I talked about it a little bit... He admitted that he has thought a little about it. I don't really mind with him though because I like him back. But any way he said something like "We'll see what happens." or "what will happen will happen," you know. something like that. I do find it slightly nerve wracking how attached I've grown to him as of late. *sighs* When he got online I felt such a wave of relief... felt kind of... 'safe' even though he's like 12 hours away. Same with Mike... I don't get to talk to him as much as we used to, but when he's on or when I'm talking to him I just feel so much better. Like everything's gonna be OK.

Well... I guess that's enough for right now.

Oh, note... I have pictures in my yahoo profile. These guys were all from yahoo. My yahoo s/n's are gumonyershoe and theskytoo (long story on how that name came about and how I even have a yahoo account with that name. I never use it to chat on...But people still find me with that name sometimes and then they get confused 'cause I end up responding back with gumonyershoe...). I think they all came from gumonyershoe.

---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

rainydaze1 : Aww. :o( Oh, I checked your profile and you're just 15. Grades are important for scholarships, yes, but don't freak out over it too bad yet. enjoy being a 'kid.'

shampoo10 : yeah...

TheMomma : :o) I know. Thank you Momma.

---