JonesSoda , 26

Wow. I love this site.

Loved... this site?

:(

Man. I was here in HIGH SCHOOL. I was a Sophomore in high school and my friend told me about this site she'd found so I signed up too and loved it. Now I'm a 24 year old mother of four who is married and in college. I can't believe it. I blogged about my first boyfriend on this site. I was a virgin when this site started! I was a babysitter, not a mom. I was a high school student, not a college student. I was a child, not a wife. I have a lot of memories here. It's like losing a tiny piece of yourself.

We're the Internet generation. We grew up here. We learned about birth control and blow jobs and make up and eating disorders and the latest fashion on here. We gave great advice that was called "mean" and laughed at stupid questions like "Am I preggers?" (or, the best one yet, pragnalient)

We all found our spot here, in the box. And now it's a sellout.

I'll miss this place. I'll miss the people. Even the crazy idiots who make a hundred names and lie about their lives because they don't have one.

See ya, Kiwibox.

This was "the" evaluation for Julian, with someone qualified to give a diagnosis that would go down in his medical charts.

Julian has been "officially" diagnosed with autism. Which of course I was prepared for- as prepared as you CAN be. To say you are prepared for that isn't entirely true... it still sucks to sit in a room with four evaluators and have them tell you that.

The kids were great today. Julian was a good boy, and Audrey was a good girl. It was a long morning and afternoon for them and they were so reasonable. I was tired but patient, except for Julian kicking the back of my seat for 1 1/2 hrs the whole way there before it was even light out lmao

The evaluators were so nice and so kind. They explained a lot, and I asked a lot of questions. I asked where in the spectrum he fits and the developmental pediatrician says it used to be autism, PPD NOS, and Asperger's all under one "umbrella" diagnosis. She said they are starting to shy away from doing that, because if you exhibit certain behaviors, you are autistic and concentrating on the severity of it is pointless. Some kids go from very severe, to doing very well, and some kids don't make any progress at all, some kids regress, some go back and forth, etc. She said he does not have Asperger's, because his communication is not up to par- people with Asperger's have adequate communication skills but experience social challenges.
He still has to be evaluated for occupational therapy, which he needs for his sensory issues. One more evaluation and maybe we can just work on therapies from here on out!

Evaluations are sooooo draining, mentally and physically.

Breasts are MADE for breastfeeding. It is SOCIETY that made them sexual objects. I am proud to feed my child anywhere they are hungry. If a mom of an older child can get them McDonalds when they are on the go, why can't I lift up my shirt? Some people need to grow up and stop trying to hoard women's bodies for sexual purposes alone. I am not going to hide my child somewhere to feed them. If you don't like it, you can put a blanket over your head, because my infant is not going to be hidden from the world just to eat. Look the other way if seeing a child eat from a natural source offends your future masturbation.

Why be proud of it? It's beautiful. It's beautiful because it's a mother caring for her child in the most socially disruptive yet appropriate and healthy way possible. It's beautiful because people take it and make it something disgusting but really it's a woman standing up to the world and doing what's right for her child despite what ignorant people, usually men who think that women are sex toys, have to say. It's beautiful because our bodies do amazing things- they create, harbor, and feed your future generations. All at the expense of our time, energy, and space. So, you're welcome.

We have one more to go before we are done but we have a list of "so far" diagnoses.

So far, Julian has been definitively diagnosed with a Sensory Integration Dysfunction. This is in the Autism spectrum as a sensory processing disorder. Additionally, he has Apraxia, low muscle tone, oral issues, and his left brain function is extremely low.

What all of this basically means is the entire world is extremely overwhelming to Julian. To the point that he can't properly function, learn, process, interact, etc. The tag on the back of his shirt can make his life impossible. If his socks are twisted or the lights are too bright, he won't learn anything that day because all he can pay attention to is that. He can't look you in the eyes because it is too much for him- it causes too many thoughts, sensations, awareness of surroundings, sounds, etc for him. If someone holds him, it can feel like someone is rubbing sand paper on him. The dryer might sound like a jet engine on the runway, but the fire alarm might not even register because too much else is happening. He's not even aware of his own body and self- he doesn't know where in the room he is, because he isn't sure where he begins or ends. When we look straight ahead, we know what we will look like when we look down. We know what we are touching, what it will feel like, what we are close to, etc. He does not have that awareness of self. The entire world is basically "right in his face" even if it's outside or across the room because he isn't aware of his space in the world.

His sensory dysfunction is why he literally doesn't stop moving all day- she said that children with sensory processing disorders sometimes enjoy constant movement. Also, this ties in with his poor muscle tone. He can't hold himself up straight sitting and it either hurts, annoys or bothers him to sit. (When I say my child is literally into things all day long, I am not joking... at least now I know why, hopefully that makes it slightly less frustrating.)

He is having a hard time speaking because his mouth doesn't work properly. This goes all the way back to his issues with successfully breastfeeding. He didn't want to be held, nor did he stimulate enough milk production or take enough in. He could never be an effective nurser. (Finally the stress and guilt of that is removed from my plate- I could not have safely and healthily nursed my son past the seven months that I struggled through it.) You may or may not remember when I posted pictures of him having his first solid foods- pictures of him gagging. At the time it just seemed funny, now I know thanks to the evaluator that this was an early sign of a major issue. His mouth doesn't work right. And neither does his brain. These combined make him gag, speak poorly (if he even attempts at all), nurse ineffectively, etc.

Apraxia is a rare neurological disorder in which what is learned is not retained for future use. He has the desire to follow a command, repeat a word, remember a word, pay attention- he also has the way. His mouth can move, his hands can move, but he CAN'T do what is required to make it all happen. For example, he has a tongue and can stick his tongue out by his own choice SOMETIMES but not others. But, he has the awareness that his tongue can stick out, and that someone wants him to do this, and he wants this for himself. This, in turn, causes more frustration for him. Apraxia of speech, also known as verbal apraxia or dyspraxia, is a speech disorder in which a person has trouble saying what he or she wants to say correctly and consistently. It is not due to weakness or paralysis of the speech muscles. Again, he has the capability to do it, but "can't."

Apraxia, combined with the overwhelming conditions in his surroundings due to his Sensory Integration Dysfunction, cause him to be extremely irritable, distanced from loved ones, and a poor learner.

The left side of his brain is below the level of a six month old child. Your left side contains analytical, verbal, logical, computational, factual, grammatical, and literal retention. It is also responsible for your vocabulary. He also has the communication skills of a 12 month old. But, he has the desire to share information at level with other children his age. What is around him is overwhelming- what he is taking in, however, exceeds what he can share with you. He is basically trapped in his own mind, whatever he thinks or wants he cannot get. He is also having serious issues repeating words because he does not comprehend the amount of syllables in the word. This is, again, a left brain trait. It complicates his learning abilities.

We were given a lot of information and a lot of things to do with him. It turns out that by parenting him the way that is "right" and suggested by medical professionals, parents, etc. we were doing him more harm than good. For an example, when he is upset, he needs to have pressure on all of his joints by pushing or squeezing. She actually did this while she was here and he responded wonderfully to her, it was amazing. My son who screams at a hug was letting this stranger squeeze his body- it blew my mind. She was spot on with what he needed. Also, Julian can't be read to. Books are supposed to now be a visual tool for learning one new word at a time. Sentences and page turning are too overwhelming for him.

I have learned so much today and I'm at a loss as to how to express how I feel. I am relieved that we have answers, it's great to know what's going on. At the same time, answers are kind of depressing and scary. Something is truly wrong with my son and I am being told this. That's never easy. I feel hopeful that we are on the right track, scared to jump into this, overwhelmed with all the changes that need to be made, resentful that such a thing can even happen... you name it. It's a roller coaster. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Julian is behind on social, physical, emotional, and mental milestones. Things I didn't think about, for some of them. I thought he'd catch up. Then I find myself taken aback, nervous, afraid... because my four month old daughter is doing a couple. And Katie's son Ammon is doing them, too. And my 20 month old son ISN'T. I want every mother here to know that my son showed signs of Autism BEFORE HIS IMMUNIZATIONS. I am by no means against immunizations because of this.

Here's the list I printed and brought in. I marked it for the doctor and then she did some "play" tests and evaluations and watched his interactions with me. We will have a referral to CDS (Child Development Services) soon. I have put an asterisk (*) next to the things that were true for Julian. My comments are in bold, if any.

Early Warning Signs of Autism

You should definitely and immediately have your child evaluated first by your pediatrician and if needed, then by a neurodevelopmental pediatrician who specializes in detecting developmental disorders if your child:

Does not babble or coo by 12 months of age
* Does not gesture (point, wave, grasp, etc.) by 12 months of age
* Does not say single words by 16 months of age He could only repeat words, but never used them on his own with the right meaning- this does not count as talking!
* Does not say two-word phrases on his or her own spontaneously (rather than just repeating what someone says to him or her) by 24 months of age He doesn't, but he has a couple more months for this one.
* Has any loss of any language or social skill at any age.

If your pediatrician disagrees with you that there is a developmental problem at this stage and wants to “give it more time”, but you feel strongly that there is just something “not right” with your child, follow your gut instinct and refer your child yourself to your local early intervention office for evaluation. Sometimes general pediatricians are not trained to pick up on all the signs of autism like a specialists is. YOU ARE YOUR CHILD’S GREATEST ADVOCATE!

DO NOT DELAY GETTING YOUR CHILD ASSESSED.

EARLY INTERVENTION IS KEY TO RECOVERY

Red Flags That Could Be Signs of Autism

Parents, teachers, and other caregivers should be aware of the following “red flags”:

* The child does not respond to his/her name
* The child cannot explain what he/she wants.
* Language skills or speech are delayed.
* The child doesn’t follow directions.
* At times, the child seems to be deaf. The key word here is appears!!! Julian is NOT deaf but he will tune you out or zone out. It is NOT NORMAL for a child his age to not answer to his name by looking at you!
* The child seems to hear sometimes, but not others.
* The child doesn’t point or wave bye-bye. He just learned these both- these should have happened by March.
* The child used to say a few words or babble, but now he/she doesn’t. He does not retain words that he has learned and doesn't apply them to the actual person or object.
* The child throws intense or violent tantrums.
* The child has odd movement patterns. He flaps his arms when he is excited and just his jaw out.
The child is hyperactive, uncooperative, or oppositional.
The child doesn’t know how to play with toys.
* The child doesn’t smile when smiled at. He does sometimes but he typically scowls.
* The child has poor eye contact.
* The child gets “stuck” on things over and over and can’t move on to other things.
* The child seems to prefer to play alone. This is something you just think is a personality trait until you realize that your other kids are in one room having a blast and he is off in the other room by himself playing completely alone. He's also not in pictures of the kids opening birthday or Christmas presents- he isn't interested in a group activity.
* The child gets things for him/herself only.
* The child is very independent for his/her age. At first reading this I didn't think it applied to him, but Rob's sister knows a lot about Autism. She was at first kind of trying to talk me out of believing his diagnosis but then she asked if when he's hungry or thirsty he tries to get it himself, and he does. He will go to the cupboard or the sink and try to get his own food or drink. Children his age are supposed to come to their parents for help. He does not.
* The child seems to be in his/her “own world.”
* The child seems to tune people out.
The child is not interested in other children.
* The child walks on his/her toes, flaps his/her hands, continuously rocks or bangs head (self-injurious behavior).
The child shows unusual attachments to toys, objects, or schedules (i.e., always holding a string or having to put socks on before pants).
Child spends a lot of time lining things up or putting things in a certain order.
Over-sensitivity to textures, sounds, smells.

When should a doctor evaluate a child for autism?

Doctors should do a “developmental screening” at every well-baby and well-child visit, through the preschool years. In this screening, the doctor asks questions related to normal development that allows him or her to measure a specific child’s development. These questions are often more specific versions of the red flags listed above, such as Does the child cuddle like other children? Or, Does the child direct your attention by holding up objects for you to see? If the doctor finds that a child either has definite signs of autism, or has a high number of red flags, he or she will send the child to a specialist in child development or another type of health care professional, so the child can be tested for autism. The specialist will rule out other disorders and use tests specific to autism. Then he or she will decide whether a formal diagnosis of autism or another disorder is appropriate.

When do children usually show signs of autism?

In most cases, the symptoms of autism are measurable by certain screening tools at 18 months of age. However, parents and experts in autism treatment can usually detect symptoms before this time. In general, a formal diagnosis of autism can be made when a child is two, but is usually made when a child is between two and three, when he or she has a noticeable delay in developing language skills.

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