JonesSoda , 26

Ethan is all registered and ready for Kindergarten! I am really excited for him, he had a blast meeting his different teachers and doing all the tests they do. He did great. He had to tell me what they did because they take him off to do things while I do paperwork, but he cut with scissors around shapes, had to copy what the teacher was doing with blocks (stacking, rows, etc), counted, did some letters, etc. That is all I could get out of him, somehow he can't remember anything else (yeah right, typical kid lol)

He called his dad when he got home and I guess all his dad said was "cool"- they didn't even talk two minutes. His dad had his last name changed and I never got my copy of the new birth certificate or SS card. I had to register him under his old name because his dad was supposed to mail me the BC so I could use it to register (said earlier this week he was going to) and never did. So that is how much he cares.

Us this morning before we left:

Once again ignore the laundry in the background, it is clean and folded but my lazy ass has not put it away yet, that is about as far as it makes it for about two days then I get sick of it and put it all away.

My big boy is growing so fast. I can't wait to meet his teachers and hopefully some of his classmates tomorrow. Wish him luck :)

I want to thank everyone who responded to my journal for being understanding and supportive. A lot of you know a lot more about the situation than a random reader so your opinion matters more to me. I'm glad that there are people who can hear my side and still let me vent and all the while understand that no matter what I type, in real life I am doing the best I can do.

Thank you again :)

I am still going to keep this journal. I was thinking about just keeping it as a place to keep to vent to myself but that's what my at-home diary is for.

I've decided I have a right to my feelings for situations which very few people know something of. I am tired of people who aren't involved telling me to have patience she's just a child when for two years I have had patience for this child and am still continuing to do the same things I always have for her, in fact even when she pisses me off beyond all belief I care for her and spend quality time with her. More time for her in fact than my own children in the hopes that I can make up for the neglect she suffers.

Probably more hurtful than anything she's ever done to me is people insinuating I don't care when in fact I am the only person in her whole life who truly does appear to care. I'm the one who buys her personal health and beauty products, Rob would never know what to buy and her mother doesn't think any girl or woman needs deodorant, a razor, fluoride, etc. I set her up with homework, I take her to play dates and have her cousins over, I play games with her, I play makeup and do makeovers with her, I taught her how to read for God's sake, nobody else was doing that for her.

This is what I get in return: threats on my life, threats on my children's lives, lies to try to ruin my marriage and reputation, her destroying my house, constant criticisms and put-downs, screaming in my face, yelling at me, threats on my animals, talking behind my back, need to be on medication, can't breastfeed anymore, etc. It is to the point where I am frightened of being alone with her without a "witness" because it's an extremely real possibility that one day she will fabricate a lie that will get me into trouble. She has made up lies about me that could have done this already if it hadn't come out that it was a lie. She is the type of kid that could ruin your entire life, and knows it, and worse yet knows how, and is relentless about it.

This child has had nothing but my full attempts and attention, I always have and always do try to do everything for her that she wants or needs just to make her life better and to try to improve our relationship and all I get is bullshit in return. I haven't given up on her, which is the worst thing I could have done for her by now. Quoting a song that reminds me of her, in a journal she will never see, doesn't compare an ounce to how everyone else in her life treats her and if that's what it takes for me to put on a happy face and keep my cool in her presence then that's what it takes. After ruining all memories of my son's first birthday party, if in order to keep my cool I need to come here to vent- so be it.

She is out of control. She literally and completely is. The night I quoted that song, I meant it, and I still do. Show of hands on who was here that night, saw what I saw, heard what I heard, lived what I lived? Yeah that's what I thought. She was being a bitch. I don't take words back. Maybe some people put more stock in bitch than I do. I took her to counseling the next day because she's in counseling- because even her mother who doesn't believe in doctors and has never taken them to one can see that she's completely out of control and has serious issues. Which I have from the start tried to assist with and suggest solutions to, quite a lot coming from someone who "doesn't care at all."

Someone said they hope I don't treat my daughter the same way. You should hope I do. You don't see how I TREAT her, you saw how I FELT about her that ONE NIGHT. She gets more care and attention than probably everyone who responded can imagine. Not that any of you are parents to children this age with mental problems.

My point is, I didn't call her one, and she will never know I thought that. I need a place to get it out that won't hurt or affect her. And if you can't handle it, don't fucking come here, nobody is making you. You don't understand my life and you never will so if it's so disturbing, move the fuck on with yours. You're lucky you're so far away from me and so detached from my life that none of this is affecting you, so enjoy.

She's a child, Satan's an angel, point made, moving on.

I am so beyond caring what people who don't see what I see and hear what I hear have to say. I really am.

Nobody on here can fully understand what I've gone through, and I don't care to try to defend myself by explaining it, because I don't feel like I need to defend myself.

I'm a fantastic mother. I love my kids beyond all reason and I really don't need to defend that, or convince anyone. Believe me if you want to, or don't. I don't need someone to expect me to love and accept all children just because I am a mother. That's not how it works. I am responsible for my own children, they are my legacy. I have put in my efforts in all of this saga, and I've gotten more heartache than I deserved. I can call whomever I want to call a bitch, frankly. And for me to not be able to welcome a child into my heart really says something. I've come to realize a lot in the past few days, hours even, and that's that it's not me. I'm not the problem here. I'm not going to take the blame. You can certainly attempt to assign it, but I'm not accepting it.

It's great to have a cause, it really is. It keeps people going. I will continue to vent in my journal as I please, however. I just have to say, though, that it's pussy to be like "THIS IS HOW I FEEL, LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN BECAUSE IF I HAVE THE LAST WORD I WIN." Grow up.

Oh I took the password off, people I trusted are handing it out anyway.

And if my kids were rotten and ruining the lives of people I love, I'd be mad at them too.