JonesSoda , 26

"If someone had told me that I could see someone every single day of my life and still feel like it wasn't enough, and that every time I look at them I love them just as much as I did from the start, I wouldn't believe them until now"
Those are the exact words I told the love of my life yesterday.
The guy I've been helplessly, madly, insanely in love with since I first got to know him.
We spent the entire day together (11 hours!) yesterday, and not a moment passed where I didn't feel like I could be with him for the rest of my life, every waking moment, every time I laid my head down to sleep, every instant I awoke to see him next to me... I always want him there. I love him more than I love life itself. If anything ever happened to him, I'd be crushed.
Last nite, before he had to go home (I recently moved and we're now an hour away), I was standing with him by the door. I was hugging him, whispering to him that I love him, and he whispered it back. We must have been there 10 minutes just not wanting to let go.
(First, you have to understand him. He does NOT take words lightly. To have him say I love you is one thing, but what he said next was the last thing he'd say unless he was 110% sure of everything...)
He was holding me in his arms, and my head was nestled into his chest, and he whispered to me, "You're going to be the girl I marry". Well, the tears just start streaming down my face, because I love him so much, and what he just said is the most beautiful thing in the world to me, and knowing him he means it completely. And I pulled back to look at him and he smiled and whispered, "You are... just wait and see."
Oh, lord, hearing that from him made everything wonderful. EVERYTHING... The world feels beautiful. People seem flawless. Life is great.


I am so in love with him.

It's in lowercase because I am copying and pasting it from my AOL chat with my best friend.

first i was at school and mike was supposed to be going to a keyclub meeting in mr. whitney's room. he had an orange and black columbia jacket on and i was telling him how much i liked it. then he went into the room and i got stuff from my locker. he was standing in the doorway of mr whitney's room and i said "mike" and he turned around and i said, "are you going out with angie", entirely expecting him to say no. he said yes! and i was like, "ok" and i turned and ran down the hall crying. he followed behind me for a little while but eventually gave up trying to reach me before i got away. then, somehow, it was that i had been riding with my dad in his truck. we stopped by angie's house, which was totally different, because i wanted to say hi to you and melissa (who were spending the nite) and confront angie. (this part of the dream came from me trying to call you guys on my dad's cellphone last nite but it was busy). well angie's house was totally different than the house she really has. so i knocked on the door and some lady answered and she had two kinda stupid kids and she was telling me about how angie and her mom moved and she thought angie's dad was dangerous and stuff. she also said they got evicted for not paying their bills. so she gave me directions to angie's new house, apparently it was a house with two apartments next to a tampon factory LOL but anyway, i never got to angie's house but i woke up soooo upset

(mike is my ex boyfriend and angie is one of my friends. she wanted him when i did, and i got him. now that we're not going out, she's flirting with him like crazy... it makes me so mad)

I would kill myself if the thought didn’t further depress me.

The reason I don’t is that I’m afraid I won’t do it right. After all, my mom doesn’t think I can do anything right in the first place. She screams at me almost constantly- if I don’t answer her, she yells that I ignore her. If I respond, she claims I am being sassy.

Everyone would know how fucked up I am if I did kill myself. Why is it when you need God the most, you believe in Him the least? Why did God give me these parents from Hell, why did He let me date Mike, why do my God-given gut instincts tell me not to trust anyone, even myself, anymore? Why do I want to hurt myself sometimes?

I would call one of those hotlines, but they make a head case out of everyone. And if you’re actually serious about killing yourself, they freak out and send the cops to your house, which makes you want to kill yourself even more anyway cos here everyone’s making a huge deal out of it.

The only reason people don’t want me to kill myself is because they want me to be there for them. They’re selfish. They just want to hoard me, and make me solve their problems, and force me to brighten their day when I can barely handle my own frigging day. Well go to Hell if you want me here to make your life better, because mine sucks serious ass. I want to leave this place- I can’t leave how I feel unless I leave who I am- don’t you understand? Why won’t you understand?

You all think it’s just a bad day I had- that I will wake up tomorrow and have a great day. I’ve been waiting to wake up for three years. THREE FUCKING YEARS OF WAITING FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER, AND THEY’RE NOT! They are NOT getting better- and they WON’T.

So unless the God I put my trust in does more than have His name in a book and actually does the miracles he’s supposed to do, I’ll be sitting here, waiting and waiting to be fixed. I can’t fix myself cos I try every fucking day. So you try. Go on- tell me why I should stay. I bet it’s all selfish reasons why you want me around. You can call me selfish for wanting to do this, cos I am. I am thinking of only myself cos I only live as myself, and if I could be someone better who feels good right now I would. BUT I CAN’T.

I think, and this is just a generalization, that if you are going to name your child after an insect, you could at least spell the insect's name right. I know a girl named Kricket (is it any wonder she chooses to be called Kay?). How completely sad is this? Were her parents on crack cocaine the day of her delivery?


Bad day- I just had to vent.

I'm most likely going to hell when I die. If you look at the seven deadly sins, and then some virtues... well, let's just do that...

CARDINAL VIRTUES:
prudence, temperance, courage, justice

*Prudence- practical
Me? Practical? The closest I come to prudence is having the song Dear Prudence by the Beatles downloaded from Napster.

*Temperance- patient
Patience is a virtue. Ever heard that? Makes sense now, huh. It's not one of my virtues!

*Courage- bravery
Like how? I don't think I've ever been courageous in my life. Then again, I can't think of any situations.

*Justice- righteous
I don't know if I've been just my entire life. I judge people, admittedly, so probably not.

SEVEN HEAVENLY VIRTUES:
faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, prudence

*Faith- belief
I believe in God, so I might be okay here

*Hope- belief that things will get better
I've always got hope for something to get better!

*Charity- to give out selflessly
I can be charitable, although admittedly, I'm not always

*Fortitude- strength of mind
Kinda like a good stubborn... Well, I have some pretty strong mindsets that no one can talk me out of.

*Justice- righteousness
Um, well... I am outspoken, and usually fighting for what is right, but I'm not sure if I've got this one covered.

*Temperance- patience
I am not patient at all!

*Prudence- practical
I'm not really practical. I know I have more clothes and food and accessories than I really need.

SEVEN CORPORAL WORKS OF MERCY:
feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, give shelter to strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick, minister to prisoners, bury the dead

*I don't know as if I've personally ever done any of those, although I encourage them. I don't know as there's much I can do to make a house for people without one and such at this age.

SEVEN CONTRARY VIRTUES:
humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, diligence

These are meant to contradict, or cancel out, the seven deadly sins:

*Humility vs. Pride
*Kindness vs. Envy
*Abstinence vs. Gluttony
*Chastity vs. Lust
*Patience vs. Anger
*Liberality vs. Covetousness
*Diligence vs. Sloth

THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS:
gluttony, lust, avarice, sadness, anger, acedia, vain glory, and pride
SOME BEING REPLACED BY:
covetousness/envy, sloth/idleness, lechery, wrath

*Gluttony- eating too much
I don't know if this is one of my problems. Maybe it has to do with my dangerous addiction to Sour Patch Kids.

*Lust- strong sexual desire
Woo, I'm a goner. Lust is like a daily occurance in my life! I'm a cess pool of estrogen.

*Avarice- desire for wealth
Eek, I think a lot of people have that. Money is nice, I like having money and sometimes I wish for more, but I don't know as though it's always on my mind.

*Sadness- sorrow
I hope this doesn't mean depression, but I've got a sinking feeling that it does...

*Anger- madness
Sometimes I get REALLY mad, so yeah, guilty

*Acedia- apathy
I don't know if I can always relate to people, or if I always make an attempt to

*Vain glory- supreme attitude about glorification
Sometimes I think I let stuff go to my head, but not to an extreme, really

*Pride- strong feeling of love toward accomplishments
Well... um, I have a LOT of pride in our country. I don't know if that would be considered good or bad?

*Covetousness/envy- jealousy
I would say I am a pretty jealous person. I get jealous of other people's higher grades when I've worked just as hard or harder for them. I get jealous when some girl gets the guy I like. Yeah, I get jealous.

*Sloth/idleness- laziness
Woah nelly. Guilty as charged.

*Lechery- lewdness
Being a virgin, and not having indulgence in sex, I can admit to not having over-indulgence in sex!

*Wrath- vengeance
I guess I am pretty wrathful. I do get back at people when they do wrong to me, either by words or actions.

The odds are kind of against me, huh...


















"If symptoms worsen or persist, see physician."