JonesSoda , 26

WARNING: YOU MUST GO BACK INTO THE MONTH OF JANUARY AND READ THE ENTRY FROM THE 31st OR THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE.




So... I promised you some of the conversation, so you too can revel in the bitchiness that is me. Enjoy your bad selves! And throughout the conversation, remember this:
He and I dated for a month and the entire time, he wasn't sure about it (which I just found out). We did things together, he led me on and let me think he cared about me when he wasn't sure if he did. Then he dumped me and didn't know why. So heeeeere we go:

Him: I do not want to cause you any pain.
Me: I think it's a little late for that.
Him: That was never my want.
Me: Go back about 2 months, then say that.
Him: What is done is done, there is no turning back the clock. I'm sorry you are hurt but I can't do a thing about it. I don't exactly feel good doing this.
Me: You could have, but you decided to "cast illusions" or "conceal yourself in mysticsm". (These are how he describes his lifestyle and his way of talking to others). That's bullshit, you were leading me on until you sorted yourself out.
Him: Yeah fine, you're right. I'm a jerk, end of story. I made a mistake. Bad idea, bad judgement, whatever you want to call it.
Me: You can't tell me that what I just said isn't true.
Him: No, I'm not going to. It is probably closer to the truth then I could ever hope to come.
Me: You know what I'm scared of?
Him: ?
Me: I'm scared that the fact I just told you the truth hurts you more than what you did to me.

And more...

Me: Some day, some fucked up relationship is going to happen to you, and you'll think back to this and realize how much you've screwed up. That's all I want to say. You want to go to bed now- you'll actually get some sleep tonite. So go on, go to bed, your worries are gone and mine are only beginning.
Him: Sleep will not come quickly, I assure you. But why are your worries just beginning?
Me: To think you used to expect me to be an optomist- ha!
Him: My question stands...
Me: As does my silence.
Him: What, do you expect me to guess? I have no idea why your worries are just beginning- I think much differently.
Me: What do you think?
Him: I DON'T KNOW!
Me: You said, "I think much differently."
Him: Oh.
Me: Yeah...
Him: It was just a way of adding I don't know how you think, therefore I don't know what you mean.
Me: That pertains to a lot of things tonite...
Him: *Sigh* Are you going to answer my question or not?
Me: Your question is why are my worries beginning, right?
Him: Right.
Me: After you don't have answers for me, I need some for you. Right?
Him: Fine, forget it.
Me: My worries are about anything I am going to do with anyone else. Will it get as far as we did then this happens to me again?
Him: I can't answer that, I'm afraid, for I don't know.
Me: I can't either, and therein my worries lie.
Him: I see.

Oh do you?

Bastard.

I guess I'm going through that enraged Alanis-like state of being right now. My mother and I went to the mall today, it's about an hour from our house. We went just she and I, because usually she's been with her boyfriend Scott and I was sometimes with Mike but mostly online in my own personal world. Anyway, we had a lot of fun and we listened to Alanis Morrissette and R.E.M. on the way there.

I got a lot of stuff. An orange scarf at the Gap, a CD (Lifehouse- I'd never heard them until I bought it, got home, and played it- they're very good), a mini-print of a really nice picture that I liked at Prints Plus (The Accolade by Edmund Blair Leighton), 10 things at Claire's for $5 (bargain basket things, but they're all really awesome!), Gap Blue (perfume), a journal, pencils, and erasers. And yesterday, I went to Wal*Mart with my dad and got myself a really pretty ring. This was before I was single. God, things happen so fast.

Venus, one of my fish, is just so freaking retarded that I want to reach into the bowl, put a finger on either side of his stomach, and pinch. I don't know, that's a really psychotic and harmful urging, and quite honestly, one I am not at all capable of. But he's so fucking stupid sometimes.

I am the demi-goddess of fish. They must somehow equate me with their existence. As far as they can remember, I'm sure, I've been there to feed them and clean their tank when it was cloudy and brimmed with shit.

It sorrows me to think that one of the two is going to go first, and when he does, the other fish is going to be hella disoriented. I think Sir Tizwit would handle being alone much better than Venus would. Sir Tizwit is quite bright. I've trained him to trail after my finger (sure he thinks he's getting food, but shuddup, it's my moment of glory) and he knows when I am opening the food because he spazzes out. I think I've broken through the thick membrane that surrounds the brain of fish on this one. Venus probably wouldn't realize it if Sir Tizwit went before he did. It would just be another day of aimlessly bashing his face into the corners of the tank in hopes of making it farther than he did the day before.

Why do fish scan the top of the water even though they know that you haven't dropped a single thing in there for at least six hours? Are they under the false impression that food will automatically reappear and they need to be there if and when that happens?

I should like to buy another fish tank and have them live in seperate habitats. But, just to freak them out, press the tanks together and see if poor retarded Venus will make the attempt to swim over and visit dear little Sir Tizwit. I have a feeling that the urge to go visiting will last in the soul of darling Venus for much longer than it should. Months later, he may or may not give up the task of galavanting over. This is assuming he doesn't dedicate his entire short lifespan to this.

Fish and relationships are rather funny. They peacefully coexist until the need to get laid arises and then they have sex wherever they feel like it. The girl gets pregnant and the guy moves on to other ladies and leaves her with at least 20 babies to watch over alone. But the woman will raise the babies and then go get laid again next season. That is the way of the fish. Something goes in, something comes out, repeat process. Is that how they think?

Or, like men, perhaps fish do not think. They are dominated by their hormones (yes, testosterone and estrogen run rampid throughout all species) and they do whatever they can to fulfill themselves. Humans all do this, whether it be due to love or simply due to the fact that porno flicks don't get the same response that they used to. I'm not going to lie, it happens.

When you get dumped, and this may be a generalization, I think perhaps you lose respect and tolerance of a majority of the world around you. Not to dwell on this whole "dumped" thing, but I'm new to this and trying to master the concept of being single so suddenly. But, back to what I was saying. Oldies are good when you're happy, and when you're dating, but they're almost sickeningly annoying when you've been dumped. Everyone seemed to be so in love "back in the day" that you can barely keep from lunging at the radio and smacking the hell out of it for merely working like it's supposed to and broadcasting that shit. That's not even the only thing that's been pissing me off lately. For example, unless I initiate it, no immaturity. I don't know why, usually that's a fairly okay thing and a pretty good method of controlled insanity, but lately it just seems like an excuse to smile or an attempt at a quick fix to how I really feel.

Now- imagine a tunnel. Only it's a cave that looks like a tunnel. So you go deeper and deeper into it and finally realize that there's no light or way out that works for you and you need to go all the way back and start over again. Think of all the time you wasted looking for the fucking light. So- that is Mike and I. I am the person looking for the light and Mike is the cave of pitch blackness from which I expected to eventually find a brilliant light radiating. And now that I am set back a month and have missed a bunch of other things, I finally realize that life, and especially high school, ends too quickly to try to find the light in everyone- and that someday, I'll meet someone who really IS a tunnel and I won't have to search for the light, because they ARE the light.

And... I s'pose I've no more to say.

The song of the day is: Quasimoto by Lifehouse
This is because: I just got this CD today (without knowing a single song or even the genre of the band- LOL) and it's a good song

I got dumped. Not just "dumped", I got dropped off a sky scraper and smashed into freshly laid searing hot pavement "dumped". The kind of dumped where you wonder if you just swallowed a pound of lead because your stomach is officially so full of emotions that it's sagging through to your crotch and causing you to walk at an odd angle. You all know the feeling.

I didn't even get a reason. Something wasn't right, he said. Obviously not. There's a long story involved that I don't feel like mentioning right now, maybe in my next entry we'll jump into the do's and don't's of dating for all the guys out there that have actually kept on reading this, despite the visual of me with a saggy crotch walking tipped over and bitching that I got dumped.

Maybe someday I will understand the innerworkings of the male mind. When I do, my greatest fear is the impending doom that the discovery of their lack of thinking will permanently scar me into lesbianism. Not that I have anything wrong with lesbians, I just don't particularly enjoy the thought of me becoming one.

I wish there were a title for someone who doesn't like anyone or anything at all. Usually people like that are referred to as sadistic bitches, so I guess that's what I am now. A sadistic bitch with no car or job, and whose majority of close friends live 15 to 30 minutes away. Maybe I am a plain old sad bitch.

Mike, my now-ex (*shudders at the terminology*) always told me I had a pessimistic outlook on life. How utterly insane! I know for a fact that I am optomistic about the demise of our nation, person by person, day by day. I can see that happening- I've got a visual. Pessimist? Me? Bah!

Mr. Connors- "Are you being sarcastic, Miss Austin?"
Me- "Me?! Noooo..."
Mr. Connors- "Are you doing it AGAIN?"

Mr. Connors is my biology teacher. Rather like me, I'm afraid. The world could do with a little less of me and a lot more of the male mind. For the good of the nation and the world, I need to stop thinking.

No, I need to stop saying what I think. Or I need to start. I can't really decide. I'm glad I said the things I said to Mike tonite (which I will also post up in my next entry). They were rather snappy and I do hope that everyone out there will enjoy them for what they were worth. After being told the story, I'm sure the urge to laugh at my bitchiness will come naturally and you'll find yourself enjoying this digital piece of my life. Either that or you'll make a funny face, knit your eyebrows, and close the window before I have a chance to cause permanent brain damage. Depending on how boring you are, you may or may not clear your entire history list to be rid of me. And that is rather like dumping me, I do say.

Do not pity me. Do not say "ohh" and "aww" and wrap me in your digital arms for a asterisk-coated hug. Shit happens and my life is the shoe that stepped in it. I am being funny, I am trying to have fun despite the fact that I watched someone rip my heart out, squeeze it a couple times, drop it on the floor, and step on it, dragging some of the tattered remnants of my lovelife out the door like a piece of toilet paper clinging to their heel.

At least I made it to Wal*Mart tonite. There's a highlight to every day.

The song of the day is: Sweet Surrender by Sarah McLachlan
This is because: I am trying to convince myself that "it doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all". Plus it's my favorite song, by my freakin' idol, so hey, YEAH!