JonesSoda , 26

For Father's day I got Rob a TracFone (no sense and no money to pay for a cell phone and a plan, we don't need one constantly just sometimes) and a majority of the point of it was so I could get ahold of him if I really need to now that I am 9 mos pregnant and he's working constantly.

His ever-inconsistent ex decided today that she and the kids WILL be attending a baby shower they were invited to over two weeks ago (his family member's shower, by the way, which is part of why I am not going- I knew she'd go) and called while on her way there, about 2 hrs before they were set to meet an hour away, to tell him this and make arrangements. He leaves straight from work to get there every week so she calls here and puts me in the position of having to worry about whether or not he knows about it. So I call his cell phone and he doesn't answer. Twice.

I'm not sure whether I am more pissed at her for being ignorant every week of my life for the last two plus years, or pissed at him for not answering his phone (which he makes a big production of telling me is always on him if I need anything- and I have never called while he was working before so it's not like I bother him). God forbid I need anything, I have NO friends or family around here to call except for him. I don't even have anyone to watch my kids when I go into labor unless my best friend can make it and there's no way to know if she can- and she'd be coming from at least 1 1/2 hrs away. If she can even come. Nice of him to answer. I am stuck here with no car and the van is what has all the car seats in it and if anything happened I'd be stranded.

(Oh and as far as the situation with the ex goes, I just gave her the restaurant number afterward and told her to call. If she hadn't been expecting to hear from me I would have just let him drive all the way down there and wait for nothing- that is the sort of pissy mood I have been in all day. If he calls on his way home I am tempted to not even answer. I'm so grouchy about it that when my friend called and I vented I almost cried. I hope this is my hormones freaking out in preparation for labor because if not I am going to be a WENCH for probably two more weeks LOL)

For my own record I have been having bloody show, so I hope I go soon. But I don't think I will.

[p]When we first moved in, our house looked like this:


[p]Our landlord told us he had big plans for it and wanted to make the front a sun room and all that. Of course this same guy never had our fireplace fixed so we didn't believe him. So it came as a bit of a shock to have the construction company come- and two days later it looks like this:




[p]I literally left for my ultrasound and came back yesterday and my house was starting to be gray LOL There are sliding glass doors on both sides and there is a walkway along the front to get to the other side of the porch.

[p]I love it! DH and I are hoping that this doesn't mean the landlord is going to want it back once our lease is up, though...

[p]Here is a really funny picture of Julian from tonight, I've never seen him make this face:


[p]Here is Maddox making sure I do a good job (he always hones in on tub time!):

[p]And am I just being a weird mom or do these pics of Ethan (who was chubbier) and Julian look somewhat alike?:

Ughhhh.

I get panic attacks sometimes and I am just coming down off of one right now. My poor, clueless husband is snoring away in the other room not knowing what a psycho his wife is for being online trying to relax and chill out before she goes back to bed in case she gets the urge to shake violently (again) or vomit (I hope not!)

I hate panic attacks, they are worse than anything I've ever experienced in my life- I'd even take unmedicated labor over panic attacks. It's horrible. They ruin so much for me! I can't even go out to eat sometimes because I feel sick from eating and cramped into a small space and it's noisy and busy. Then I start thinking oh the food is bad, we all are going to get food poisoning. It's ridiculous! The worst part is, it happens a lot after sex lately. I don't know if it's because my heart gets racing, if it's because after we had Julian I used to have this paranoia of getting pg unexpectedly and I still have the effects of that, or what. Also if my stomach is full, it makes it worse, because then I have a full stomach, am worked up physically, etc. I can't even fill myself up all the way anymore because it's not a comfortable feeling to be full, because just in case a panic attack occurs, if I am full, I always throw up. And not to sound like a perv but I love doing the deed, and I love my husband very much, so why does it have to end like this sometimes? I hate this! I miss my medications! Do I sound crazy yet? Ugh! I feel crazy, that's for sure. I don't want to tell Rob much about it when it comes to feeling this way after sex because I don't want him to think that he is hurting or upsetting me, or take it personally. He is a very sensitive guy and wouldn't fully understand that it's not him. And nobody I know gets panic attacks, everyone thinks it's just as easy as "calm down and think logically and get over it"- I literally get to a place where I can't control my own thoughts or my responses to them. It's terrible to feel out of control of yourself- that is why I choose not to drink or do drugs, I like to be in a proper state of mind, and yet some mental disorder has me over its knee anyway!

I think I am anxious about labor, too. Sometimes it just doesn't feel real to me that I am about to have another baby, my last baby, and I have no idea when. I am a super-planner, too. I hate the suspense of having no clue what is happening from moment to moment. I hate wondering if the baby will be okay, how labor and delivery will go (since you never know), when it will happen, who will be there. I try to do self talk and tell myself things are fine, this is my last baby so all I have to do is go through this one more time and I'll be fine, I will be happy once she's here, I will get some parts of my life back, etc. Some of that does help sometimes.

I just hate how out of control they get and how fast it gets that way. It starts with one negative thought that you honestly can't control having and next thing you know you are thinking about your kids dying in a car crash or your husband dying or you dying and it just gets worse and worse and worse until you can't take it. It's so miserable. I'm sorry to vent and vent but getting it out is calming me down some. I just want to go to bed!

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me! You'd think I was dying with the list of crap going on right now. I have never had such mysterious bullshit happen to me in my LIFE!

I have the symptoms of a sinus infection as of last night, plus for the last five or six weeks I have been coughing up green stuff and choking and almost throwing up from coughing so hard.

As of a couple days ago, on my left on the bottom, my wisdom tooth is coming through and my gums around that one tooth are very swollen and painful so I'm hoping that it can't turn into an infection when they are growing in- my gums are so swollen that the part of the tooth that's come through so far looks like it's in a hole. I've been keeping it as clean as I can and doing sea salt rinses which seem to at least ease some of the discomfort. That all might be typical, because when my top ones came in I remember they hurt.

Today I kept feeling like I had something like a popcorn kernel or something in the back of my throat that I just couldn't swallow. I didn't think much of it and went on with my day. Then I went to brush my teeth and my whole tongue is furry white and I brushed most of that off except the back of my tongue. And, where the tongue touches my throat in the back (not as far back as the tonsils, closer to the roof of my mouth) there are white spots! I don't have a sore throat or anything.

I am so confused. I have about fifteen symptoms right now and like I said, I think most of them add up to be a sinus infection. But WTH is going on with my throat, tongue, and tooth?! Holy heck I am so sick of this, I feel like all I do lately is go to a doctor!

Somehow in my dream I ended up in the basement of this huge old house listening to some guy upstairs drag people across the floor and kill them. I was with two other people (people I don't know- one girl and one guy) crouching in the corner of the basement and there was a phone next to me. The guy I was with said something like "it's not like you can just use the phone and call the cops and it's that simple" and I said "yes it is" and I called 9-1-1. Somehow the basement lights turned on, and the cops pulled in the driveway (you could see the driveway from the windows in the basement) and the killer came running into the basement. And of course I am standing there by the phone. So then I decided to act stoned or drunk so it'd look like we were running from the cops too and my friends understood what I was doing and the killer believed us. Next thing I know it ended up that this guy was raping me and I was crying but I knew I had to let him think I loved him if I wanted to live so I played along that I loved him and the cops came in after he did that and shot him and some woman who was with him, and some little girl they had with them. (But I didn't know what happened to them until I saw pictures later, I only knew the cops went in and ushered us out.)

Then in the next part of my dream I am going to the hospital to get checked out. Then I am home and the federal government calls and says they are now going to bring in the women who were there and question them to see if they did anything wrong and they are sending an air force one helicopter to bring me to where I need to get questioned. So I get in my car and drive to the airport that's near my home and nobody is there to pick me up, and down the road this SUV comes flying with those boots on the tires (well three are tires, one is a rim because she drove with those on it and the tire ended up exploding). The woman who called me is driving it and she tells me they were going to pick me up right where I was (somewhere along the shore) but I wasn't there so they came here to look for me. She gets into the helicopter with me and we fly off and end up landing somewhere that there's a shopping district in the middle of a city and I go in and buy some lipstick that this woman had that I liked.

It was totally weird. I don't know why I am even sharing it, but it stood out in my mind.