JonesSoda , 26

It has now been almost 9 weeks since my 4 1/2 year old son's dad saw him last. Last week I decided to try to call him and find out what the heck was going on with this and as usual he did not answer his phone. I left a message asking him to call back and about an hour later he did, and asked to talk to my son, who he told he was taking soon.

He then got on the phone with me and asked me if he could have him overnight for one night last weekend, or if this coming weekend would be better. I said this coming weekend and he said he could take him for two nights if it was this weekend. I asked what days and times and put x's on the calendar. While on the phone he got called out to a fire (he is a career fireman) and said he would call back "later" with times. It has now been over a week and I have not received a phone call back.

As bad as this sounds I had decided I was not going to seek him out over this and yet he has not called back. It is now to the point that meeting isn't an option- we have one household vehicle right now and my husband uses it to get back and forth to work. He cannot miss work because of someone else's irresponsibility, we absolutely need the money and it is too late to work his schedule around pick up or drop off times. He also works insane hours, we are talking early a.m. to extremely late p.m. hours, we live on an island that is very much dependent on the tourism industry and he works in a restaurant right on the coast in the busiest spot on the island. He is booked straight.

I can't meet him now and I have decided that living like this isn't an option anymore. We went to court when he tried to get custody of him over a year ago and of course he did not succeed, but he was given an order that he could see him every other weekend and other times that we agreed upon that were reasonable. I have only once kept my son from seeing him purposely and that was another situation like this, where I had to cancel and he would not answer his phone for three days prior when I kept trying to call to tell him.

I have always dropped any and all plans so they could have a relationship, thrown forty much-needed dollars into gas tank upon gas tank to meet him halfway so he could take him for one night then ignore him for a month or two, sought him out to guilt trip him and pressure him into seeing him after my son gave me a hard time about it, etc. I am not doing it anymore. When we went to court we got papers that hold me accountable for allowing visitations but nothing on earth makes him have to follow through and be there. I am tired of it, my son used to ask when he could go see his dad next and so as not to take the blame myself or make his dad seem bad I told him that whenever his dad was ready to see him, he would call. Now instead of asking why he can't, because he realizes it's not my fault, he asks when his dad will be ready to see him. I know my answer was the right one, but that question breaks my heart. I can't imagine being a little kid and trying to put together the fact that your stepdad has his kids as often as possible coming over but your own dad is nowhere to be found.

My husband is a great father figure to my kids but nothing can replace the other half of your DNA that you expect to find there for you. As a mother I can do anything and everything my children need EXCEPT to be someone else and I am tired of seeing my son go through an emotional pain I can't fix.

I can't make his dad care, I can't hold him accountable, and I can't fix it at all. Long story short I am taking him back to court to either request him to voluntarily sign over parental rights, or to amend the order to something more reasonable that he can definitely follow in order to give my son an exact date and time he will see his father next and put some stability in his life in that arena. I feel bad that my son's first bad lesson in life is that your parents are not everything you expect them to be. Of all people to disappoint a little boy it is sad that it has to be his father, the one man he should be able to look up to.

Maybe not everyone's idea of a beach but we are on an island on Maine's rocky coastline so it's what we have to work with [;)] The kids love it, and it's fun to explore. Here are some pics from yesterday evening. This is Seal Cove, it is less than five minutes from our house so usually when we go somewhere for a little while we go here.


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The new name fits the baby so perfectly, I can tell it's supposed to be her name. It's weird because I don't even know her, but I do... I can't explain it, I guess. It's one of those things. I guess you really can't have a whole new life and person growing inside of you and not somehow subconsciously know things about them. It's like I told Rob, and anyone else who asked why we changed her name- Anneliese is and probably always will be one of my favorite names. But it felt like that's the only reason I was giving her that name. I felt like I was naming her my favorite name, not the name she is supposed to have. So I am completely at peace now. I didn't realize until we changed it that it had been bothering me. It was like this nagging feeling that suddenly lifted after we talked about it and changed it. I am now feeling extremely positive about this, and even started on her baby book.

On the opposite note, I am bored. I haven't been sleeping well at ALL lately. Last night I did not fall asleep until maybe 2 a.m. and then at 6:30 the kids get up and Rob asks if I can get up with them. He had gone to bed at 11 so I asked him if he could and I explained I hadn't had much rest. He gets up and the kids are extremely loud. I hear him ask them to go play in their room but it's never enforced and I am laying there frustrated trying to go back to sleep so I just get up. Not a happy morning. Therefore I am tired, unmotivated, and extremely bored. Rob is at work and he brought Alena with him, he is only painting an empty house and he's working alone. She brought a book and her school work to do so she will stay busy. They need some alone time and honestly I think it is better if possible that she go with him than stay here. Rob suggested it which was also nice because it did not put me in an awkward position.

The boys are back home- Aidan had gone with his dad last Friday, then stayed with his dad's mother, and then with Aunt Sally. Sally came and got Ethan on Thursday and had both boys together for four days- they had a blast and came back very refreshed and excited to be home. Julian was very happy to see them! Alena and Liam were not here last weekend, they were in Colorado visiting their mother's mom. Needless to say yesterday was a major adjustment for Rob and I- the house had been relatively quiet with only Julian (although he acts out worse when they are gone because there are no kids to entertain him or amuse him) and then we had everyone! Big change. It was nice to have a bit of a break.

I am concerned about who will watch the boys while I am in the hospital. I at least need someone to watch them while I am in labor so Rob can be there. If worse comes to worst my best friend will but I want her to be there as well, she has been there for all the others. I am sure Sally or Beau's mom would take at least Aidan and most likely Ethan as well. I can't rely on their fathers to take them for anything, let alone something that would actually do me a favor. We are going to ask Rob's sister if she would take Julian. I am not sure if anyone will do anything, we will have to see. I don't mind being in the hospital alone but I don't want to be alone to deliver, know what I mean?

Well, that's about all for now. I should keep this up more.

Well, we have changed the baby's name, we decided it is our child and we love the name and it's the right name for her and we are going to go ahead and name her that. I feel very good about this decision, I feel like this is meant to be her name and if anyone else is upset about it I hope they find a way to get over it! Our baby girl is a new life in this world, not the resurrection of a bad person in the past.

^Me



^Ethan

& I am on the hunt for the perfect girl name

Which by the way I already found but thanks to Rob's dad (who is dead) cheating on his mom with a woman who had that name (who is dead) thirty years ago, his mom is telling us we can't use it. Even though she has had a new boyfriend for 20+ years and should be over it.

Hello, heartbroken. I swear that's supposed to be this baby's name.

OMG, I almost forgot to show this...

BEFORE

and


AFTER (had to change clothes cos of itchy hair!)