Judawg7 , 28

I am so not motivated.  This last week or 2 I have just not been myself.  I am so down & just sad about things.  My babies will be 3 & 1.. & i think its hitting me really hard this year, just for the fact that my tubes are tied & I know there will be no more  babies for me, unless we go the non traditional route.  And I am totally ok with that, but at the same time , just knowing that is making me sad.  Plus, I sometimes feel like wheres the excitement??  Cory goes to work each day & I am here at home with the kids, which I LOVE being able to do this but its so boring.  Not that my kids are by any means BORING, Its just lately, this rut had made me question so much, things I never even questioned before. 

I love, love , love my life so I  have no idea what my deal is. 

I did go to the girly doc last week & he said my thyroid felt large, So i  am going to go get that checked out, and i know that can play with your moods, as well as weight gain & I cant seem to get rid of my Brandt weight!! & thats starting to really bother me too!!  So I am anxious to see what the doctor says about that as well. 

Kids are happily occupied inthe living room so i probably should be doing something productive but motivation once again alludes me. 

Brandt is trying to walk everywhere.  Hes not even 1.  This is not fair for my last baby to be doing everything so much quicker then my other 2.   I am happy to watch him grow but sad to see it go by so fast. I am happy that we know he is our last one, but at the same time, I get kind of teary eyed when I really think about it.  I have my yearly girly appt next week & I havent been there since I had Brandt.  It makes me sad cuz I'll see all of those pregnant woman & I will miss the excitement & the wondering of what the baby will look like.  But I wont miss starting all over again. 

Our porch is being built as I type! It so excting & It looks great so far!!  Life is pretty great right now.  Cory just got a raise, we are finishing the basement & the porch, we are getting new furniture =)  My kids are healthy & happy.   I feel like sometims I should be happier.  I should feel more fulfilled. BUt sometimes i Just fill like im running around like a chicken with my head chopped off. That i am missing out on things. What I have no idea.   BUt i love my life. I really do.  I think when my period came back after Brandt it brought more emotional PMS. How rude!!

I am so frustrated! 

We are trying to add on to our house, just a porch & a master bedroom with bathroom.  Its not really a HUGE thing.  We got one estimate, which we thought was very doable, but we cant get a construction loan because of the housing markent.  So we decided to just add on a porch and finish the basement.  Then another guy, an amish guy, got back with us and he can do it for like a third of what the orginal guy said.  We would just be responsible to do the electrical, plumbing, drywall.. the inside stuff, which is really not a HUGE thing. 

So my dad said well let me see if i can thinking of a way to get you a loan.  So Im thinking maybe they can help us out.  Well he didnt really say yes or no so I started calling around, but since we have no collateral, our options are very very few.  If we just had collateral!! 

So Corys parents had mention something about using their car so we were thinking oh maybe they can help.  Wel we talked to them last night and it seemed like his dad was making every excuse not to help and its not like we were asking for MONEY.  ANd they can help corys brother all the freaking time.  Its just really getting old.  We dont ask for much and this isnt even asking for money.  We figure we can repay the loan back in a year or earlier if need be so they could get the lean off the car, but its not like they are planning on selling the darn car to begin with.  And I dont know how many times I said well if our cars only were worth more. I just dont care.

So now Im wondering if we should just revert back to finishing the basement. It just makes me wanna cry. Im so frustrated with this process.  We have saved to be able to afford to do this & now we cant catch a break!

I have lost my motivation.  Oh where oh where have you gone? Were you ever really here? lol. 

I have so much to get done in the next couple days.  I have to go get my car transfered over to my name. Which doesnt seem like much, but dragging 2 kids to 2 different places, eh not looking forward to that!! So I plan on doing that before we head to storytime for Reese at the library.  I wouldnt even be bothering with switching it out of my dads name but since we are looking at possiblyadding on to our house, my dad thinks the more things we have in our name the better. 

The guy comes this evening to look at our house & possibly give us an estimate on how much it is going to cost.  All we want to do is add a master suite out the front off of what is now Jackson's room, then possibly add a walk in closet to Reese's room & knock out the closet that is already in her room. Then add on a porch.  At one point we wanted to expand the living room but we decided that will probably be way to much money for us & we are going to just slowly finish the basement instead. Our living room is not a bad size, if we just get all the kids having their own rooms so Brandt's toys have a place to go, we will be much better off.  PLus, i think having the basement finished will be awesome for when the kids have friends over.  I always hated that growing up we only had one place for everyone to watch tv or whatever and I know I wont be wanting girls or boys in the kids room to "entertain".  So i hope the price is within the rage what we can afford.  Thn its on to the bank to see all what we have to do to borrow money.  We have NO idea how that works.  I think if all else fails we could possibly talk to Corys dad about possibly co-signing.  But like i know how that works!!  I am sure they would do it, i mean they help out corys other siblings enough!! 

But again, i am just procrastinating apparently so I best be going to finish my chore for the day!

I cant believe Brandt is almost 5 months old.  I am starting to really have a hard time with him growing up. All the new things he is accomplishing, i love it, but at the same time i really dont want him to grow up at all.  He is my last one & I keep thinking what will i do when there all grown?  I know i have quite awhile of the i wanna pull my hair out days, but they will never be this little again!! Sometimes I wonder if getting my tubes tied was the best idea for me.  I know even if I hadnt gotten that done we wouldnt be thinking of another baby anytime soon, but now that option of another baby is totally gone unless we wanna spend a ton of money & get fertility treatments.  I think I am just really emotional, it sucks, i hope its just a phase... & ill return to my normal self with this decision!