Offline - since: 02/11/10 07:07 pm

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KraZii_BlueZ , 22

from Saint Clair Shores

I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle

am 08/23/09 11:59 pm
Wow I have a lot of updating to do. So much has changed since the last entry...not all of it is entirely good, either. We'll start with the simple things: my summer job is wrapping up so I'm looking for a school year but, so far, no luck...my internship is done which is sad but kind of relaxing too as I now have time to breathe...and I move back to campus on Saturday and definitely still have a TON of packing to do because I hate packing so I keep putting it off.

Now for the not so simple. I know this will sound completely out of nowhere but Frank and I broke up....it was my idea. I don't quite know how to put it. For a little while I've been feeling like something just wasn't quite right. I couldn't really place my finger on it but it felt like something was missing, like my heart wasn't fully in it. Then along came one of my guy friends, who's been my friend for awhile now. We started talking a bit more and it came out that he was a little interested in me. He knew I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend so I figured it was harmless and we decided to hang out. Well, I guess it wasn't so harmless. We hung out and had a great time together. He had me smiling and laughing constantly and it felt like whatever was missing with Frank and my relationship was found with my friend. Before I knew it, he was telling me about how he felt the same way with his girlfriend; he knew it wasn't working but just didn't know what to do. I couldn't explain it but it was like he was completing that void for me. I also began to realize that I was terrified about Frank going away to the Air Force and I didn't want to be forced to move away from here and try to find a career where he was. I wanted to have the freedom to do whatever I wanted wherever I wanted, not be trapped at an Air Force base. All this combined equalled a ton of panic and I found myself starting to lean more and more toward my friend and less and less toward Frank. So, finally, I knew I had to make a choice...I chose my friend.

The pain is overwhelming. I really think Cory (my friend) is a great guy and he makes me so happy but I miss Frank and I hate knowing how much I tore his world apart. He and I still talk a little so I'm reminded every day of how destroyed he is. I broke his heart into a million tiny pieces and I can't really put it back together. It hurts me so much to know how much he's suffering. But, at the same time, I can't seem to convince myself to walk away from Cory and get back with Frank because I know I'd still be trapped in that Air Force life and the bigger issues of whatever was making me feel like my heart wasn't in it would still be there. But it's like my whole being wants to deny that he isn't the one. I hate this so much and I really don't know what to do. I just want the pain to stop. My heart chose Cory so why am I hurting so much over Frank?


my current favorite picture of me


riding a giant inflatable lizard at my internship lol


the summer 2009 interns


meeting Thriving Ivory


meeting Sean Kingston


meeting Jesse James


meeting Boys Like Girls


meeting Flo Rida (who I also drove to the airport at 4am that night)


this would be Cory...dying from a 2000 piece puzzle we were trying to do


me dead from the same puzzle


Cory and I


what do you think?


responders

essencexofxtear, popluver, Sugar_xxx, x_anyotherway_x


from Essencexofxtear 21 08/24/09 09:30 pm
When it's the right thing to do, it's still painful sometimes.. What might be for the best is not talking to Frank for a little while and give him some time to move on. Then maybe trying to be friends later if you want.You look happier with Cory than you did than you did with Frank too.
from CCtheActress 25 08/24/09 06:30 pm
Just because it's painful doesn't mean that it's not the right thing. You obviously are not 100% into things with Frank, so try to avoid the temptation of going back if it pops up. It usually hurts even if you're the one who ended it. Hopefully things will settle down for you soon.
from Mashuki 22 08/24/09 04:17 pm
Wow, I totally didn't see this coming! But I guess it's usually when things like that happens... when you don't see them coming. Right?
Well now it's pretty obvious to me that you shouldn't be with frank. Just the way you were explaining, and comparing the pictures of you and Cory, to you and Frank... it's obvious there's something there between you and Cory. You just seem so much happier!! So no.. don't go back with Frank. it would just be bad for both of you in the end.
I know it's hurting you to see how much you hurted him... but trust me... it's obvious it's better this way in the long run.

I think you've made the right decision! :)
And if not... if it's really meant to be between you and Frank.. something will happen down the road.
from X_anyotherway_x 25 08/24/09 03:39 pm
hey do waht makes you happy nice pics
from Sugar_xxx 24 08/24/09 02:10 pm
Wow, you just jump around from guy to guy so fast! Haha, but whatever makes you happy. It's always hard to let go of someone you care about, whether you want to be with them or not. But it gets easier in time. Good luck with Cory. He's got nice eye lashes ;)
from Popluver 24 08/24/09 01:02 pm
emotions can be hard to deal with, but if you felt something was missing then you shouldn't force yourself to commit. you care about the guy, thats why you are feeling poopy about the situation. but it will get better. if you are happy with cory then just be happy and dont worry!
from Synyster_gates 27 08/24/09 09:07 am
Hey!

Well...I feel your pain here. My ex Gary is who I really want to be with, but my head moreso tells me it won't work. His situation and my situation don't mesh. My heart is with him but it just won't work. I've learned to accept it over time. Yes, it's hard but it does get easier. I would try and take things slower with Cory to see how it works because you are both trying to jump into something just getting out of previous relationships. Just remember to put YOU first and make sure you are focused on that.

<3
from SatansGift666 19 08/24/09 12:22 am
This may be a random question: but did you get paid for your internship at all? Or was it solely based on ... volunteering and the fact that that may be what you want to do for your career? Idk if youve been reading my journal lately, but I may have found basically an internship, but its not paid for. My dad said he thought most of them were paid for. buut, ii dont know. Just saying its a long time to intern and put out gas money and not get paid for any of it. hahhh.

buut, as far as this boy stuff goes. As much as it hurts to have let Frank go, Im almost thinking that you may have made the right decision for yourself. It seems like he has aspects that you like, but perhaps just not enough. Or there's more that you're looking for and he's not giving you all of it. But, the whole air force thing - that would be really scary for me as well. I couldnt deal with a boy gone in the military at all. I'd fall apart, probably. But.. I think it makes you a bigger person to be able to walk away and make a decision solely for YOURSELF and your own emotions.

Cause... in all reality, if he does end up leaving (idk if he's going to HAVE to or not) but either way.. your relationship may have to come to an end because of it. Or.. you'd be stuck in that situation deciding to move your life to fit his and if you dont want to do that I dont think you should sit there with him and waste time. I mean...Im sure he was a nice guy and everything. but, if you dont see it going anywhere and you dont want to have to wait for him - then why stay? Then you'd basically just be leading him on for nothing or setting yourself up for heartbreak building stronger emotions if he's just going to leave. idk.

Youre always switching through guys so fast, it seems. Idk how you do it sometimes. =P But, if things are working out okay with Corey than that's cool beans. I think if he's filling that "missing piece" that you had then at least your fulfilling some needs, perhaps. I suppose only time will tell though.