Linly , 27

If I can be sitting at a lake house in 90 degree weather with the sun shining in a cute tankini and watching the water break on the shore yet still be depressed and stressed about issues back home... maybe it's my fault and my attitude.

I should be able to let things go, I know I should. But I can't. I worry about what kind of life my baby will have, what kind of father he'll know. I just worry the way a mother does I suppose, hoping that I'll be able to be enough for him and be able to give him everything he needs.

There are issues which need to be confronted and talked about when I get home, but I've never been good at confrontations. When someone lies to my face I dont know how to respond "I dont believe you." and instead just walk away wondering why I'm being lied too.

And you want to know another thing, I'm still not really over Beau. I'm over the wanting to be with him part. I have NO desire to have any relationship with him, but I still have feelings left about him and for him. And it feels damn good to have a conversation with someone who at least pretends to want to "take care" of me and allow me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. Even if it is only pretend, it's nice to pretend for a few minutes once in awhile.

I really wanted Jason and I to work. I really liked him. I wish I knew what to do right now, I wish I understood the questions I'm asking, but that the moment I just can't seem to think straight anymore. Maybe I'm the one who needs the help.

Jason's car wobbles. It's been a worry for awhile but of course Jason couldn't be bothered to have it looked at to figure out WHY it wobbled the way it did. Then last night he goes "I think I know why the car wobbles." One of his back tires is trashed and has splits in the tread.

OYE!

Okay, Jason you NEED to go somewhere TOMORROW and find out how much the tire costs to replace with another used one until we can afford to have the whole car checked out and fixed. I'm betting he wont. I need to know an exact amount so I can give him a check for that amount so he can get it fixed. Telling me it's "60 or 75 dollars" doesn't help because I'm NOT giving him a blank check.

My shower is in 9 days! *squees* This is so exciting for me. I can't believe I only have like 55 days left until my due date! He's going to be here so soon I can't wait.

My feet swell now. :( A lot of my shoes dont fit anymore because my feet get so big. It's almost funny in a way, LOL.

I'm so tired. I just get tired out of no where. :-\

Saw POC - Dead Mans Chest. Watch it at home and save your money, not worth it IMO. Oh well.

Time for work...

First off, my friend took this picture of herself recently and I LOVE it. I want to have one taken of me. Realize this is a tasteful pregnancy nudity picture, however no parts show and it's blurred so I am sure it's "safe" for KB...



Spent nearly all day fine tuning the registry. What a nightmare. My legs and feet are so swollen right now from walking on them all day long. I just want to curl up in bed and watch a movie or two. *sigh* Hailey is still going strong so I dount that'll happen anytime too soon.

I found a crib at Target that I REALLY want... I may end up asking my AUnt if she'll split the cost with me. It's 250$ which isn't a lot when most cribs are 300 or 350 but... It's still a lot to me.

I received a 500$ check from one set of grandparents for my birthday and 450$ of it will go into savings for after baby's born so I can buy diapers and anything else I need for baby. 50$ of it went to a birthday treat to me today so I could take Jason, Zack, and Hailey out bowling for the afternoon. It was wonderful to get out of the house for awhile and do something "fun" as Zack said. And after dragging them around BRU and Target for 3 hours I thought it was a well earned treat. :)

Time for bed. *yawn*

I *think* I might have a name, but not sure. Either way, not too willing to share just yet. Have to make sure I'm set before I announce anything. ;)

Hope everyone's having a good weekend!

Love,
Me

I just wanted to say that I LOVE all you guys. You put up with me through so much, I can't imagine I'd put up with someone like me very long, LOL.

I'm in a decent mood today. Not great because I'm not sleeping well recently. Baby just makes sleeping very uncomfortable, but all in all we're good. I have to laugh because last paycheck Jason got was 800 some dollars, which was doable. This check wasn't even 400 and he's freaking out. Well, yes Jason I already SAW this coming which is why last paycheck I paid so many of our bills because this one was going to be so stingy. Does it seem like I might have an idea of how to balance a checkbook and keep the lights on now? LOL.

My vacation up north was WONDERFUL! I had an amazing time and just so relaxing.

I have a Dr. appointment this afternoon. :) Will write about it all tomorrow.

Baby's doing flips in there and moving everywhere. it's so funny to see him pushing out on my tummy and move around, like a little alien. HA!

My brother is here with us, I'm very excited, however my brother is 14 and follows me around like a puppy dog and doesnt understand that I'm moody and need space right now. Last night we were driving each other crazy, LOL!

I just had a bad night last night. Some of this entry may be TMI for a few readers, I'm sorry. Just understand I need an outlet at the moment and none of my friends are people I want to talk to about this right now.

I head home at 5 PM last night. At 5:45 I get to the complex and stop by the office because we're having an issue with a random 12$ showing past due on our rent account that I Can't figure out WHERE it came from. LOL. Get that somewhat taken care of for the day, go home. Walk in the apartment and managed to get my shoes off before Zack starts to play complain about being hungry and go "Woman make my dinner!" Funny because it's Zack and I know he loves me. However, Jason jumps in as well and from the chair in front of the computer chimes in. Not funny. He's been home for three hours and knows how to make hamburger helper just as well as I do.

I start cooking and then Zack decides he wants to help so I give him a handful of cleaning tasks to complete around the apartment while I'm cooking and unloading the dishwasher and doing the dishes and reloading the washer. Jason sits for 15 minutes before finally getting up and deciding to help vaccuum. HE looks at me and goes "All the stuff you're having Zack do I was going to do this weekend while you were gone."

Um, okay? Thanks? Now you dont have too? Not sure what he meant by that... Anyway dinner is done, we all sit down to eat and watch a movie and hang out. I try to get online, once again every five minutes Jason's going "Hey hun! Look at this!" So annoying, I dont care what the cat is doing jsut let me check my email in peace.

Finally fed up with the interruptions I decide to head to the store, Zack wants to come with. AWesome. We go to the store and I wanted to spend 15$ but of course I cave and but Zack some snacks and soda for him to have today and take with us on the trip up north tonight. I end up spending 30$ I'm stressing because I dont really have the money to spend on him, this is going to make it hard with gas, etc., but whatever I'll find a way to make it work.

Zack wants us to buy fireworks, I cant afford them, Zack doesnt understand and continues to ask over and over if we can buy them. I feel bad because I cant afford them because Jason was sitting on his ass out of work for so long that we're now really far behind in bills and I have NO spending money.

Get back to the apartment, walk in, Jason announces "I cleaned the kitchen while you were gone."

Want a cookie? THey're in the cubbord.

I put groceries away and Jason walks in the kitchen and asks about if I put a bid on ebay for him on a new PS2.

"No."

"Why not?"

"We can't afford it."

"I'll pay for it out of my next paycheck."

"No, your next paycheck goes in the bank so the check I had to write to fix your mirrors doesnt bounce. Remember that? WHen you dropped your car off to be fixed before asking the guy if he would take payments even though you told me you'd already worked out a payment plan? SO then I had to write him a check dated for your next paycheck and hope he doesnt try to cash it before then?"

Like he just doesnt get it! I dont understand why he thinks I keep telling him we dont have money, because I want to punish him? HE gets more spending money than I do! And that's just to keep him from complaining all the time.

Night continues on, Zack is bored and whines and complains all night long, finally I try to go to bed. It's 10:30 when I get into bed and try to sleep. I'm so flipping tired I have a headache. Toss and turn. Midnight rolls around. Jason walks in and turns on the TV and crawls into bed.

Five minutes. "Are you watching TV?"

"Yeah finishing south park."

Never mind that it was OBVIOUS I was either sleeping or trying to sleep. Just come on in and turn on the TV and get comfy. Who cares if the pregnant woman who’s been complaining of being tired is disturbed or kept awake. Yes, this BOTHERS me. If the TV is on when you come in, feel free to keep the volume at the level it’s at and change the channel. If it’s not on and you MUST turn it on, make sure you turn the volume down, actually mute it, so that you don’t disturb me while I’m trying to sleep. Very simple. I would do the same for anyone else.

I get up and walk out of the room after a few minutes because I’m now wide awake thanks to the obnoxious TV and I’m crying because I’m so tired I can’t think straight. As soon as I walk out of the bedroom I’m hit with an overwhelming smell of smoke. That just greatly helps my mood. I really enjoy having baby’s daddy lighting up cigarettes inside the apartment while the windows are closed and the AC is on. It’s freaking 60 degrees outside, get your ass outside and stop being lazy. We’ve TALKED about the whole “don’t smoke inside” thing. We’ve talked about how I told him NEVER offer me a cigarette because, yes, he does. He doesn’t care if I smoke or drink or do whatever as long as I don’t do it “too much”. *snorts* Where’s my encouragement there? Yes I know having A cigarette or A beer most likely wouldn’t doom my kid to a life with a mental illness or something, but it’s still NOT good and not worth the risk. I’ve had a few moments of weakness where I’ve taken a puff from a friend’s cigarette once in awhile and I felt guilty as hell for it. I don’t like it. And I don’t like to smell the smoke or have anyone offer my a cigarette because it’s so flipping hard to say “no”. I can avoid them with no problem, but when they’re under my nose like that it takes a lot of willpower to turn them down.

Finally I go back to the bedroom and the TV is off and I’m trying to get back to sleep. Then Jason learns over and starts to play kiss on my belly and finally I shove him away. It’s midnight, I’m tired, I DON’T want to play. I want to SLEEP. Jason gets bickery. Then we talk about money somehow it came up. Jason suggests we don’t pay a bill next paycheck and instead go out and do something fun. Oh, okay, lets just say “screw responsibility” and let everything fall to hell while we’re expecting a baby and treat ourselves to a dinner at TGIF and a movie afterwards. That just makes PERFECT sense. Jason complains about wanting to file bankruptsy.

“Why?”

“Then I wont have to pay my credit card.”

“Right, because having 1000$ in credit card debt is so undoable!”

Again I try to convince him I need to go to bed and suddenly he’s trying to kiss me. Fine, kiss kiss, night night, bed time. No, more kisses. Then he wants to cuddle and kiss. WHAT THE FLIPPING FREAKING HELL! I’M FUCKING TIRED I DON’T WANT YOUR HANDS ON ME LET ME GO TO FUCKING BED FOR GODSAKES! I SURE AS HELL DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, LET ALONE AT MIDNIGHT AFTER I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GO TO BED FOR TWO HOURS.

And, of course, he gets mad at me and says a sarcastic comment which sends me to tears and makes me want to just jump out of the window and kill myself because I cant deal with it anymore. I can’t deal with his attitude, I can’t deal with his lazy, selfish… just HIM! Take some fucking responsibility for your own fucking life.

Sometime during the night Jason had started to throw a stink because I hadn’t thanked him or “noticed” he cleaned the kitchen while Zack and I were at the store. I, calmly, turned to him and said “I cooked you and Zachary dinner tonight and did I get a ‘Thank You’ from either one of you? No. However did I raise a stink about it? No. I know you appreciate that I cooked for you so I don’t NEED to have a thank you said at every meal.” He looked a little sheepish and walked away. I just don’t get it.

Now he’s complaining about his lack of gas, he needs more gas for the weekend. I don’t want to put 3.15 a gallon when it’ll be back at 2.79 in five days! But, of course, he HAS to have gas so he can hang out with all his friends this weekend. Never mind that his parents gave him a huge bag of cans and bottles to take back to the store for gas $ and he ended up buying a beer and a pack of chew with the money. Of course that doesn’t mean anything.

I was hoping that I could get Zack and I a McDonalds dinner for the ride up there as a treat. I’ve not had McDonalds now in two weeks even though it’s my number 1 pregnancy craving. But now I don’t think I can justify the 10$ for two dinner meals. It just sucks. And the worst part is not having the support to be trying so hard. Why am I trying so hard to get us back on top of our bills and trying to get ahead when he doesn’t even care to try and curb his spending habits? I’m supposed to stay here in the apartment for 6 weeks after the baby is born with him? What am I going to do about diapers? How does he think we’re going to pay rent? HELLO! It’s hard, it sucks, but it’s all worth it if you have someone who can support you while you’re trying to make a future for yourself.

I just want to cry. I NEED this vacation, and I NEED as many as I can get before this baby comes. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t even look at him without wanting to lash our in an angry rage and scream at him.



I’ve decided that next pay check I’m giving him his rationed gas money and telling him when it’s gone, it’s gone, and don’t ask me for another fill up. He was putting 65$ of pure folly spending money aside for the 4th of July festival events. I thought it was more than he needed, but whatever right? Instead of actually saving it for the beer tent, he’s already spent it on who knows what. Sorry Charlie, aint getting anything else from me. I’ve already overspent our budget on YOUR indulgences and shoved all mine to the side.

I want my mommy. I thought last night how wonderful it would be to come home at night to someone who goes “Gosh you look tired. Can I tell you I love you and I know you’re going through a tough time being pregnant so let me go ahead and make dinner for us tonight. You just go take a shower and put on your jammies early and then sit on the couch. I’ll take care of everything and we’ll spend the night watching movies and taking it easy.” I mean, just the simple acknowledgement of the fact that this is tough work. It takes a toll on the body and mentally it’s draining as well. Instead I walk in the door and get hounded from the moment I get home until PAST when I’m trying to go to sleep.

Sorry this is so long.