Melt4Cowboys , 28

i'm bitter.
i know i'm bitter.
i can't help it.
and i don't know how to prevent it.

i don't know when it got this  bad.
i realized in talking to a boy at work that i really AM more bitter than i thought.
for so long i've just joked about it, now it just seems a way of life.

i think it's all just come to a head.
i've had 2 boys in 2 weeks give me the 'sometimes i think you and i would have been amazing'
yeah. so amazing you have those thoughts now, after you have a girl and a baby?
or just a fiancee?
why even say that bullshit in the first place.

i put on facebook about a month ago that i sometimes wonder if i'll ever be better than mediocre.
i had more people that i haven't talked to in months comment on it than anything.
i didn't even put it up there for attention, it's just how i feel.
and then i have not one, but two boys reinforce that thought.

so. good plans:
i'm in final stages of having someone professionally write my resume in hopes to get me out of where i live.
should that go in my favor i will be out of here asap. 
i don't know know where i would stay, but i think i would stay about anywhere to know that i'm on my way out.
should that not go so well i am starting to look/apply at community colleges for certificates
in hopes to get something on my resume that people will want me for.
 if i go the school route tho i may be cutting back to PT at work - something i'm not overly upset about.
that's if i get permission. but we won't go down that right now.

in other randomness.
a pastor figure from a church i went to for a few years passed away last sunday, on palm sunday.
tonight was their celebration of life service for him.
and it seems fitting.
i want to touch people in the world, like him.
but i always go back to why i'm so bitter and how i just can't seem to shake this funk. 

this is the third quiet 1.21 in the past six years.
i wonder if that means these past three have cancelled out the three priors?
and if next year will be the make or break year to see if the quiet-ness continues.

i couldn't sit in my cube today.
i just happened to be blessed with my babysitter for C calling and saying she was sick, which gave me a free pass for having to leave early.
i never know how today will hit, and today wasn't hard as far as eventful but was hard in the fact that i just wanted it to be OVER already. i bordered on panic all day.
and now with it being 2330, i'm feeling a little less pressure.

i can't wait til tomorrow. just to be done with today.

is super happy!! ((translation : headed to Williamsburg)) : thinks EVERYONE should go pick up a copy of 'nightlight'. it's probably my most favorite book of 2oo9 and i'm only on page eight!! : absolutely loves benedictions. something about the 'be blessed and go...' just gives me the warm fuzzies. the presents are opened, we're awaiting santa... and getting the work part of the day out of the way tomorrow. ♥ merry christmas everyone!! : Merry Christmas Eve! and a very Happy Birthday to my most favorite Red! : just opened my mailbox to find it full of thank yous from some awesome soldiers. It just made my day! ♥ : had my one good snow of the season and is ready for summertime! : is LOVING this snow!! and the cute mini me that I'm snowed in with! ♥ : is wishing for SNOW! (( and lots and lots of it! )) : loves life most when the BRMtns are in my rearview mirror ♥ : may have just fallen in love with Ryan Reynolds : had an excellent day off now i just need saturday to get here ASAP so i can be on my way to the place i love most ♥ : ahhh, snow. hello, old friend!! ♥ : HATES that this is my FAVORITE time of year and i'm not enjoying ANY of it. is it January yet!? : LOVES spontaniety!! work til 11. midnight Williamsburg run and my favorite Toano-ians for the weekend!! : is thankful for family and good friends, the brew crewsers and scenic trips, and excellent books! Happy Thanksgiving!! : just applied for a position at the DIA... and needs some luck! now just patiently waiting for 14 December : is New Moon x2 :) : is wanting to post the 2oo9 Recap - even if it is a month early :) : pretty much LOVED New Moon!! : is working :C but then is seeing NEW MOON!! =D : is desperately needing change : & Mac are not in love at the moment - any Mac fans out there? I'm in need of some MacBook Pro guidance!! : now wishes I had shipped these care packages thru UPS. The USPS sucks! : is most appreciative of ANYONE in a uniform ♥ thank you! :she likes the way he sings white demon love songs in her dreams : is in need of license plates. preferably flat as they are going on a wall : would like to speak with a professional just ONCE without being asked who I may be related to... either way I answer I never fail to shoot myself in the foot : the purpose of life is a life of purpose : thought maybe life had turned into a Bob Ross painting on my drive to C'ville today :) : just scored the first New Moon soundtrack from Target!! now the drive to the 'burg is complete for tonight! : loves her some Brew Crewsers!! and is quite excited to see everyone again ♥ : fell in love with a cowboy. oh my! : can be found in the passenger seat of a '57 Chevy... or a '40 Chevy Truck... or maybe the '67 Camaro... there are too many to choose! : it's FINALLY the Brew Crew Valley Weekend!! : is SUPER stoked that this time next week the Brew Crew will be in town!! Now I just have to pick the perfect cruise route!! : again, I find an amazing series of books that are in process of being written. I read this in a day and have to wait another year for the next book!! Patience is not a strength of mine!! : is excited for the BrewCrew Valley weekend! and now just wishing these next thirteen days away! : thinks Rockfish Gap Outfitters SUCK. : we are at 'that' September day. just taking a moment to remember ♥ : is a mess. uggggghh : looks like a vacationing soccer mom with a bike rack on my trunk. Ugh. But that just means I'm headed outta town!! : only has to survive the next three working days. and then it's off to adventure!! : thinks nothing beats sitting on a bench, looking at natural bridge in it's many colored glory... AND listening to claire de lune, all at the same time ♥ : is off to Natural Bridge for the evening!! and wonders if this place will ever NOT feel like home for me. ♥ : forget a normal life. whether east or west C and I are headed outta town. the sooner the better. : just wants a nine to five and a normal life. and maybe a camaro :) : is Williamsburg bound!! : thinks this night is neverending... : needs an 8-5 job. any suggestions! : just had a conversation with the dumb meter maid on a NON metered area... and her head is just as big as the other uniformed city employees =X : is sad. RIP Grizzabella :( : is sad. today is my monday. :( : my mother always says 'a fool and their money are quickly parted' but i think my iPhone and i will have a long and happy life together =D : is biding time in this town. and will be for quite a while. but the hope of sooner rather than later is what gets me out of bed in the morning. : can be found on the deck. surprise visitors are welcome... well, within reason, of course :) : would like to remove the new stop light off hopeman and use them to beat whoever had that idea in the first place =X : is wondering how someone can be twenty-four and publishing their memoirs. seriously. : is sitting on the couch... in the driveway : thinks the sale might be bigger than the yard itself. ;)... 0700 : YARD SALE! 25 July - 0700 : KIDS TOYS. FURNITURE. and then other random stuff that every other yardsale has :) but you should definitely stop by :) : sit down punk i wanna talk to you and dont say a word until i'm through, now there's a time to laugh a time to cry a time to live and a time to die a time to break and a time to chill to act civilized or act real ill - but whatever ya do in your lifetime, you never let an MC steal your rhyme: is seriously upset to be missing HP6 tonight... and thinks Thursday won't come soon enough! : just baffled a cop. and absolutely loved EVERY minute of it! :figured out the perfect job: firework choreographer! : is headed to the Gardens! And then back home for the Extravaganza! : does NOT understand this stupid flex spending account. *sigh* : is getting excited for the Brew Crewsers Valley Run in October! : star spangled happiness && banner waves of pride ♥ : absolutely loves this time of year!! : is waking up the lestials to sing 'happy birthday' to her... and then to begin whatever festivities the seven year old decides she wants to do ♥ : has only one thought this morning: UGH : is going to the bookfair! : thinks Holly's realtor is as cool as an eighties headband : is absolutely. effing. speechless. : is having a honda emergency... well, an emergency by MY standards. :is keeping karma in business since 1984 : would give anything for some open water and a boat. : had someone actually ask me if my name was like what you take in school. yup. my mother named me test... and i have to actually be POLITE when answering these morons =X : will have an open porch party after work saturday. if you come, bring a beverage. : is wondering if boys ever think of buying anything BUT riced out Mustangs! : is enjoying this perfect day! : is looking at the ocean!! and can't wait to ride the car parade in a few hours!! : is too excited to sleep. a wedding and ocean city today. cars and seacrets tomorrow! and finishing up the weekend by seeing my sister! i already don't want it to end! ♥ : thanks for all the birthday wishes! it was definitely an unexpected evening but very fun :... awww, thanks guys! : is counting the days down until OC and Seacrets!! : is thinking she'll be done with easter candy FOREVER after today ((we're at another easter egg hunt)) :thinks pretty cars + vin diesel makes ANY movie awesome! : finally found a reason to fall in ♥ with her.mac : is thinking that everything might work out after all ♥ : has thought about it and officially hates the facebook layout =X : is wishing the days away until she's in Ocean City... only 57 days away! : is slacking, then working, then WILLIAMSBURG ((again)) : thinks she has AMAZING friends ♥ : is home until Friday : is bed. shower. interview. and WILLIAMSBURG! : is eagerly awaiting warmer weather and porch parties : is shower. bed. work. WILLIAMSBURG! : is preparing for her INTERVIEW tomorrow morning! =D : hopes it gives you hell : is terrified to find out how expensive the ink is for the Canon iP9000. ugh. : is missing Williamsburg :thinks the more she leaves town the more she hates coming back : is escaping this town for a little while : is at the rehearsal for Children's Letters to God... and maybe a little karaoke if time permits =) : is in STN, watching the movers load the truck =( : thinks free drinks ALWAYS taste better : is excited to be home! And even more excited to go again next week! =D : is in town for about 14 hours before heading back to Williamsburg =D : thinks it was a perfect ending for January : hopes it gives you hell. : is thinking happy thoughts... like how to sabotage the moving van : realized she has a strange fascination of Lowe's Lumber aisles... : is excited to start 'John Adams' : thinks 'truth be told i miss you, truth be told i'm lying' : is disappointed with Stephenie Meyer : my heart dropped to come home from williamsburg :

driving home tonight i feel so empty.
it was the first snow, and a good amount of snow! and i was inside a cube all day.
i'm missing too much.
i missed her learning to ride two wheels. i missed her birthday party.
i missed thanksgiving day - and was so miserable after work that i was hardly enjoyable.
i'm working christmas eve and christmas.

i feel like kharma is catching up with me. i was such a bad mother for the first few years, and now that i want to be there, BE her life, i can't. and my mother is getting all the fun stuff.

i came home tonight to an empty house. my kid isn't here, even my dog isn't here. and i'm so lonely.

i applied to a position in williamsburg. it's something i have a chance if they will give me an interview since i'm not a local. and i'm hoping i'm not making it seem too good to be true. i just want a 9 to 5, a monday to friday.
if i didn't have a kid, i wouldn't mind. but i feel like my life is hardly... i want to not be in such a miserable state.
i'm just affecting everyone i'm around. no wonder no one wants to hang out with this debbie downer.
today was only day three of working, and i'm exhausted. and don't want to think about having to even wake up tomorrow.

i just wish for once i could get something to suit life as i need it. i'm tired of everything never working out.
i think i'm just tired.
and for the first time i turned here because i honestly had no where else i could post this and not feel like  a selfish spoiled little girl who isn't getting her way.