MissMurder , 21

Hello everyone.

Yesterday, Gina and I did hang with Aaron.
It was nice. We played life and hung out.
I have to put Aaron in my tutu(heart)& butt rape him with a candle now. :D lol.
Also, Gina decided to surprize us with coming out dressed like Aaron. It was cute though. She looked hot. :]
He left around 11:15pm.

Today, Gina and I have to go to Derrick's for that bday partay for his 18th birthday. :] lol.
I just hope my vagina isn't being such a jerk.
TODAY IS DAY 10! D:
It is way too heavy and way too long.

Also, Brandon asked me to go to the pool with him Friday and I wouldn't put anything passed my vagina. :(

Sorry about so much Vagina talk, lol.

Anyways, I am going to my mom's Monday and won't be back until Wednesday. If we don't spend that time at Jen's then I won't be on the computer.
We shall see.

Sorry this is going to be really long.
It is nooot that big, some just seems bigger because of the way I broke down the paragraphs.
I would break it down into a few entries, but I believe you need to read this all at once because of the way it ties together.
Please, just take the time to read it. Please.

Okay, well..
I have been doing some thinking. Here goes:
I have been talking to an old friend.
She made me come to realize that I have changed so much.
Too much.

Before.
I had morals.
Sex wasn't something you just did for pleasure.
Drugs weren't something I would ever truely consider and so wasn't alcohol.
God wasn't just something I only cared about when someone put christian beliefs down.
Love was important, but not my whole life.

I find myself thinking..don't worry about morals.
Do anything within your heart because some things you never know are right.
Even if some believe they are wrong, how do they really know?
If some believe they are right, how do they really know?
I know their is opinion, but right and wrong sometimes seem to be an opinion.

Example:
It is wrong to have an abortion. Wrong, but is it true? Because some believe it is right as well.

You know what I mean?
How can you ever be SURE?

Also, sex.
After my first time, I thought, what does it matter anymore?
I know you should look out for std's and all that.
But back to morals.
Some say it is wrong to have sex for not love and only pleasure.
But who are you to say so?
(I know there is the bible and all, but how do we know it hasn't been fucked with? And what about those who say there is no god? Don't they count?)

Drugs and alcohol.
Some say they are bad and some say hell, I love 'em.
Bad?
They are bad because they cause life complications and health issues and even mental issues sometimes..but a lot of things do.

Kind of like love..
You can get stressed from love and it could cause you to be sick.
It can make you have bad complications.
It can cause you mental issues.
So, how comes people don't say love is wrong and to not do it? Some do, but you know most think deep down that love is right.

Why say things are bad when good things make things bad as well? Are good things really bad? Is everything bad? Really?
How do you know?
How do I?
How does anyone?

God.
I used to not not believe in him.
Kind of like I felt him there.
I used to have this relationship where I thought to always choose things with the thought of god.
I used to want to be close with god.
Now, I find myself never thinking about god unless someone puts down believing in god.
The way I feel when people put down or doubt god makes me believe that I still have faith, but how comes I feel like I don't?
How comes I find myself feeding into putting him down sometimes?
God was something I didn't want to lose. Something I had that I actually had a grasp on fully.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Even though I seem like I care about not really thinking about god, I don't.
Why don't I?

How comes I seem to not care about anything really, but love?
It is all I think about.
It is all I want to think about.
She is all I think about.
She is all I want.

I have always been the open one.
It seems as if, people, life, and everything has made me less open...
But for some reason I think it is because of my love for Gina.
Really.
Idk though.

As I've grown I have realized that some things are better left unsaid.
Before I used to think, why hide things when we all go through are similar things and we are all human?
I used to say, I have nothing to hide.

I have grown to learn to actually care what people think of me.
I never wanted to be this way. I don't want to care.
I close myself off sometimes because I don't want to say what I think others will dislike.
I am really shy because I am afraid people don't like me or won't.

I have also grown to learn that people can use everything you say against you.

I have also realized that now, if someone is closed off with me, it makes me feel like they don't want to be close even if we are close and I close off with them.
I hate that. I used to always speak my mind no matter what if I was close to you.

Actually, I have become sort of a loner..
Am I really just closed off with *you*?
Or is it because of me because of you?
Are you affecting me in such a way?
I'm complete incapable of telling you what I need to.

Well, there are a veryyyy few people I can open up to completely.
Actually there is no one.

I dislike closed off people and now, I am one. :(

It hurts to be open when people are not nice.
But it is also horrid to know that people allow you to be closed off.
I try my hardest to try to get people to be open with me, but they just don't care if I am open with them or not.
No one cares about the real me.
How?
They allow me to be fake.
If they really cared wouldn't they be dying to know the real me?
Wouldn't they be asking the questions they don't know?

Besides being closed off I am still fake in many ways.
How?..you may ask me.
Well, many beliefs I have are hidden behind what everyone else believes to avoid conflict.
To the point that I confuse myself so much due to whatever other think that now I can't tell the difference between what I believe and what I think I believe and it is the same with what I like and dislike.
There are a very few things I am certain of anymore.

I've just become so fake.
Everything I am has been evolved from everything around me.
Everything I was is who I truely am and I am not that anymore.
I am not me.
That leaves a void that was I was told to not think to much of, but I can't help it.

That is what takes me into depression next.
I know I have because I am like an anti-depressants commercial when they tell you the symptoms.
Lost intrest in things I once loved..well, I am losing.
Writing, drawing, and other certain things could keep me content. Not much anymore.
Also, tiredness? I got it. And too much, not a normal tiredness. A tiredness I know is a cross between depression and my female problems.
I just feel like one of those commercials.

Growing up is just terrible because everything and everyone around me has me just completely fake.
I know I shouldn't blame it on others, but really, I don't know how I could have ever avoided it.
I never tried to let go of who I am.
I believe I tried to hold it close.

"Sometimes you hold so tight that it slips right through your hands."
I never thought I could lose myself though.

Something else I find really odd.
I feel the worst I ever had, but at the same time it is not so bad, but I find that evertime I break down it gets worse.
It is like I am so numb, but since it is all bottled away, I break down and with everyday, things just build up more and more and the break downs get worse and worse.
I am so scared that one day I will completely snap in the sense that I will be out of it.

How I felt the night before the night before the surgery, I was talking to Derrick and all that, I cut and I was crying and well...that and the next day when my mom told me about my brother and then the surgery its self...all that...
The way I felt...omg..I just can't tell you that it was bad.
It was so bad I couldn't think straight.
I was so off.
So nervous.
So anxious.
So scared.
So scatter-brained.
I couldn't breathe the night of the surgery.
I had that knotty stomache feeling.
I felt like I could throw up.
All I could think of is that I wanted to be with Gina.
She would make me feel better, the knots would go away and they did.
But they'd come back.
But she helped.
Idk...it was just the most terrible night ever.
It was like being with my dad all over again.
That horrid anxiety feeling.
:(((

Also.
I want to talk about this.
Here are a few things that are really strange:
Things I keep have popping in my head:
1. Drinking, experimenting with drugs.
a. For experimental reasons.
b. For freedom.
c. To run away from my life and problems.
2. Not caring about sex and just sleeping with someone, anyone.
a. For tention relief.
b. I just want to make a mistake and not care.
3. Cutting.
a. When I am mad, for relief.
b. At times when I am fine, just because.
(It is weird, but yeah, sometimes I just want to cut..for no reason, I swear.)
4. Runaway.
a. Self explainatory.

Also, I just want to do anything stupid just because I want to be adventurous for some reason, but that young stupid kind.
I just want to be free and dumb.

But for one, I have no way.
..........2, I'm a scare-y cat.
..........3, I feel like I would need someone to enable it.
..........4, The main one, Gina.
............She keeps me 'in line' or so.
In line? Idk because as I said before, what is right and wrong really?
But in normality, I'm in the right for her.
And I THINK...deep down somewhere for me.

Someone always mentions about doing things for yourself.
Really, why?
Why can't I do things for other reasons or other people?

I'm getting tired and I wrote so much that I am getting a mental block.
So, I will stop here for now.

I want to leave you with a quote as well.
"The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration."
-Pearl S. Buck

That's all.

-Kali.