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--* 833 ; The end.
Darcarailius 27
Ahhh so that's who that was :P I'll go add you! -
--* 833 ; The end.
3685 26
silly kime... 3685 is the new sn... i just ma… -
-- * 832 ; Tomorrow's my birthday.
Khayos 25
*hugs* Yay for the fake people! You could thin… -
-- * 832 ; Tomorrow's my birthday.
JonesSoda 26
Now it's like one of those awkward moments where I… -
-- * 832 ; Tomorrow's my birthday.
Darcarailius 27
Eek. *hugs* I'm 23 and it's not so bad. Just ano…
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Pink_Trash , 26from LadysmithCommentsStatistics
--* 833 ; The end.I'm trying to get back into blogging somewhat regularly, but this name has so many memories and crap attached to it. Therefore, I made a new s/n.
3685 If you're cool, I'll see you around. <3 T -- * 832 ; Tomorrow's my birthday.[bgcolor=white]
 [font=courier new]date: 07/15/08 | time: 6:36 pm | entry: 832[/font] × ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× × [smallest]Hey Birthday,
Fuck you. Go away. I don't want you to be here. I know you're just going to be stressful and annoying... and full of people who don't give a shit for 364 days out of the year calling to wish me the best. So, seriously, piss off. Let me stay 22 for another 12 months and I'll bake you a badass cake next year. I promise. Me. [/smallest] × ×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××× × [smallest]layout + image ©cookiez_n_kreem[/smallest] -- * 831 ; These things sneak up on you.[bgcolor=95B549]
[limg=http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q28/selestial_icons/butterflystars.gif] [s][color=545651]LIKE THE BUTTERFLY I TOO WILL [color=EEEEE8]AWAKEN IN MY OWN TIME[/s] [f=webdings]gcgcgcgcgcgcgcgc[color=545651]gcgc[/font] Sometimes things sneak up on you. Take for example, Curtis and I. The first time he talked to me, he hit on me shamelessly. I was a little annoyed (How dare he! What kind of girl does he think I am?), a little flattered (Wow, he's never met me and he's saying these things?), and a little excited (My boyfriend is so jealous of this! Hahaha). Even then, when I was with someone else, I couldn't deny the chemistry between us, even just through the phone. There was an instant connection - one of those situations where it just "clicks" and you know that it's meant to become more than what it is. A few nights later, the boyfriend was gone, and I found myself being "dragged" to the bar to meet him. So what if I went down to the beach with the sole intention of my brother introducing us - I played the game and acted like I didn't want to go, until he "talked" me into it. I walked into the bar, nervously anticipating what was about to happen. He walked over, shook my hand, and introduced himself, then excused himself to play a game of pool. I sat down, practically shaking. Just him touching my hand had given me goosebumps all over my body. We ended up hanging out with my brother until 3am that night. The first time he tried to kiss me, sitting on my brother's bed and watching Trailer Park Boys, I punched him hard enough to leave a fist-sized bruise on his arm. I didn't know if I could fight what I was feeling, and, being drunk, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't do anything I'd regret. Less than 10 minutes later I was all over him, making out like I had never kissed anyone and never would again. The next day, I talked to a few friends. He had quite the reputation as the love 'em and leave 'em type. I remember Pete pleading with me on the phone, "Just don't do anything stupid. I don't want to see him hurt you. Watch out for him - I've seen what he's done in the past." I honestly didn't think he'd even call me after my lack of self-control the night before. But we texted back and forth for a few hours, and made plans for that night. Then we hung out the next night. And the next night. And the next. Before I knew what was happening, we were talking on the phone for an hour or more every night, as well as hanging out almost every day. People would ask if we were "together." I'd shrug, because I didn't know what to tell them. I wasn't seeing anyone else, and neither was he... but we didn't have a label. Then, about a month in, he called me his girlfriend to my face. When I look back on it now, I laugh at myself for the month of confusion, because we WERE together from the night we met. It just took a little while for us both to realize it. It snuck up on us. I can just see him waking up one morning, proverbial lightbulb flashing above his head... "OH MY GOD! I'm in a relationship! I didn't even know it!" Fast forward a few months. I'm head over heels in love with him, and I refuse to tell him. I can't be the one to say it first! What if he doesn't feel the same way? *GASP!* He might get freaked out! So I hold my tongue. I keep it inside. Everytime I want to tell him I love him, I say, "You're awesome." or "You're amazing." or "Why are you so amazing?" And I can tell that he's a little curious about why I keep saying these things, but I pretend I don't notice, and just carry on. Four and a half months in, I get an out -of-nowhere text telling me he thinks we should just be friends. I cry myself to sleep for a week straight, get entirely too drunk and spend half my month's rent on clothing I don't need. I keep telling myself that he's young, he's just scared, he's in love with me and he's afraid to admit it. Anything to get me through the night. But deep down, I know that I'm just trying to placate myself, which makes me cry harder. After a week of tearstained journal entries and soggy pillows, we decide to give it another shot. I'm afraid, though, ... afraid of losing him again. So I hold back my feelings and thoughts and try to be like I've been with every other guy I've dated. It doesn't work. It aches and it throbs and even sex doesn't make it better - it just makes me feel farther away from him. I get drunk at the bar and make out with a (female) friend of mine. I try to call Curtis several times to call things off, but he's out of cell range and the calls aren't going through. I call him in the morning and tell him that we need to talk. He comes over that night and I explain to him that it hurts to be afraid all the time, and that it hurts to not be able to just be us, and it hurts to be afraid that if I have a bad day and call him in hopes that he'll listen... that he'll be out with the boys and be annoyed with me calling. He almost breaks down in tears and we talk a little more. At the end of our talk, I feel relieved, like everything's okay again. Less than a week later, I break up with him. Rumours have been going around about him sleeping with other girls since we started dating. Given his history, I can see why. But for some reason, on this particular day, it strikes me hard. I text dump him, while I'm at work. I get shirfaced that night and make out with a co-worker... the whole time wishing that it was Curtis. We don't talk for a week. I've spent the week drinking myself stupid, getting my hair cut, buying new clothes, getting new piercings and crying myself to sleep. I'm having people over on Friday night, and he calls me on Friday morning, wanting to talk. I tell him to come over. As much as I hated him during that week - as much as I thought that the truth had snuck up on me about him cheating... when he walked through the door and looked me in the eyes, I knew he didn't. I melted. He hugged me and I got goosebumps. We talked, I cried, he almost cried... and then he told me that he loves me. That's when I realized that it had been sneaking up on me for months. He may not have said it with words (either "I love you" or "You're awesome" et cetera), but since the day we met, his actions have consistently told me that he's head over heels in love with me. It's been 6 months today since we met. I still get giddy when I know he's coming over. I still smile when I hear his ringtone on my phone. I get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me, and goosebumps when he touches me. I want to cry every time he tells me he loves me. And you know what? It all snuck up on me. Time snuck up on me. Half a freaking year, and I can still remember every detail of our first kiss, what he was wearing when we met, the first time we had sex... everything. It all seems like yesterday. I know it does for him, too, because we had a random conversation today, and he brought up tiny little details about our first date, the first time we had sex, our first fight. I can't say I know for sure that we'll always be together, but at the rate we're going, I'm going to wake up next to him one day and realize that the past 10 years have snuck up on me. Not that I'd have it any other way. [f=webdings]gcgcgcgcgcgcgcgc[color=545651]gcgc[/font] A_New_Me, ajzgurl69, AngelOnTheFly, appleyum, awakeandalive, blood_and_gold, cm_nghs, crazybecky, Darcarailius, embryo, FuzzyLilBunny, gaugau, griffs_wife05, H0t_P0cket, Hot_One715, ihateyourshoes, Jesus_hates_you, JJsCherry, JonesSoda, juggalette171, jynx_, Khayos, meagnsue, MiSuNdErSt00D, PiNK_LEM0NAiDE, QueenOfRock, Rain_Soaked, Silent_Khayos, STRIPPER_xx, TakenJosephine8, ThongChic02, timexbomb, tinkershimp, underwearnome2, x___joliefie, xMarksGirl817, xXSkittles69Xx [f=webdings]gcgcgcgcgcgcgcgc[color=545651]gcgc[/font] A_New_Me Darcarailius STRIPPER_xx [f=webdings]gcgcgcgcgcgcgcgc[color=545651]gcgc[/font] http://my.kiwibox.com/journals/journal.asp?id=310704[color=EEEEE8][s]© Selestial[/link] -- * 830 ; I love him. <3[bgcolor=white]
 date: 05/26/08 time: 1:26 am entry: 830 [font=webdings][smallest] g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g [/smallest][/font] [font=impact]..................my [/font][color=black][font=century gothic]day[/font][/color] [smallest]To make a long story short, I had a helluva weekend... partied for 47 hours straight, cuddled with a cute cowboy and had TJ's best friend try to take me home.[/smallest] Curt called today to hang out. Watched a movie, cuddled, talked... we're back together. He says he needed space (cuz I get kind of intense) and I told him he should have just ASKED! [smallest]But yes, we're good and we're together again. :)[/smallest] Told him I missed him and he said, "I missed you about a hundred times more than you missed me!" [smallest]Gah... love love love love love him![/smallest] [font=webdings][smallest] g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g [/smallest][/font] [/smallest][/font] [smallest]©cookiez_n_kreem[/smallest] -- * 829 ; Best Friends Plus?[bgcolor=white].[/bg]
[font=wingdings]n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n[/font]  Imagine there's no countries [bgcolor=white][/bg]It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace [font=wingdings]n n n n n n n n [/font]============ So, maybe he's not that much of a dink. *blushes* I decided I'd wait for him after work to drop off his stuff so he had to talk to me... I'm just c/p -ing from Q cuz I'm lazy: (posted at 9pm last night) So he gets off work, walks into the parking lot, and I'm parked next to him, sitting on my car hood smoking. He walks over, asks me what's up. I say, "your shit's in the car." He looks at me blankly. T: What are you, 12? Dump me via text? After the message I left you? You could have fucking called! C: I know! I should have! But I had no reception, and my phone kept dying. I only got your message and your text after I sent you that text... and then I felt like a dick. I was planning on coming over tonight with flowers. I asked him to lay it on the line. He told me, "I want to be there for you and Allie... but I just can't be there for both of you all the time at this point in my life." T: You knew about her before we started dating. C: And I thought I could do it. I started to cry. He hugged me, with his bosses right there, and just let me cry for the next hour and a half. I told him that it hurts so bad because I care about him so much. I asked him if there was someone else. He said there wasn't, there isn't. "I'm not interested in anyone. I really like you. I don't want to be with anyone but you." I asked what the problem was then. He said he loves spending time with me, but he loves spending time with the boys, too. I told him that if I was smothering him, he could have just told me and I would have backed off. He said I wasn't smothering him. I asked why he didn't mention feeling like this before and he said that he thought about it, but never got around to it. T: I feel like I've wasted all this time now. C: Why? T: Because nothing will ever come of this. C: Of what? Us? T: Yeah. C: I didn't say nothing would ever come of it. I asked him what we were, then said "I don't do fuck buddies." C: I know. How does best friends sound? T: I guess I could deal with that. C: But ya know, if you ever feel the need... it's here and it still works. Then he said that nothing has really changed, except that we won't be having sex (because I won't have sex with him if I'm not his girlfriend). So apparently, all that changed was our title? and because of that, the sex status. Idfk. I talked to Dan and he seems to think that maybe the whole grown-up resposibility/kid thing finally truly hit him and he got scared. I hope that's what it is, because that means there's still a chance for us. I fucking love him and I am so scared that we're done and I'm going to lose the most amazing person I've ever known. I know the whole, "If you love something, let it go..." bullshit... but that doesn't help because I'm terrified that he WON'T come back. He was going to come over about 9, but called me at 8:30 and asked if I'd be mad if we rescheduled it for tomorrow. He was going to get brackets to fix my bed, but the store was closed and he was at Darren's. So he's going to come over for dinner tomorrow. I've decided that I have to ask him if there is ever a chance that we could ever be 'us' again. Because if there isn't, then I can move on and be his friend. But if I don't know, I will continue to hold on for far too long because I'm ridiculously stubborn. Dan also said something that made me smile. He said, "You need to take him at face value." T: Huh? D: If he was being deceptive... he wouldn't have stood there for an hour and a half AT HIS WORKPLACE and let you cry on him. He just wouldn't have. Take his word for it. And give him some time. He's young. Kids mean commitment. He'll get there eventually. Just be patient. I'm still confused as fuck... but it felt so fucking good to just be in his arms again, even if I was crying. just being there, having him hold me and knowing that I didn't have to pretend I was fine was so amazing. He just stood and rubbed my back, and kissed my forehead and I just wanted to scream out, "I DON'T WANT TO BE WITHOUT YOU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" Instead, I just cried. And he just let me, and it was wonderful. So I guess I have one more day of being super-confused... and then I'll know. I should know for sure tomorrow if best friends is the end of the line or not. Oh, and he asked me to come to his birthday dinner with his parents on Thursday. (Good thing TJ left the Metallica t-shirt here and I didn't change the name on the GC yet!) And he's for sure going to be at the Timbo on Saturday. Not because he was going to go anyway, but specifically to see me. Thennnn I posted this this morning... He called last night... he didn't do the normal forget to call thing, lol. He left his phone at Darren's, but still called. Two weeks ago, he wouldn't have. I flat out said, "I have to ask you this... I need to know. If the answer's no, then I can move on,. I don't want to waste my time." C: ... kay? T: Is there ever even a small chance of us being, well, "us" again? C: I sure as hell hope there is. I really like you a lot. T: (obviously relieved) Okay, I can deal with that. *yawns* C: I guess you can actually go to sleep now, hey? T: Yeah, pretty much, it was keeping me up. Didn't talk for long (the cordless he spent 3 hours charging just to talk to me died) but I felt soooooo much better. I mean, srsly, there's hope. And even if it doesn't work out, I know I'll be able to handle it, and that I'll come out of it with an amazing best friend. He damn well better start begging for me back, though, haha. So yeah. Idk. I love him so much still and I really want it to work out... and I can totally understand the getting scared thing. I wouldn't be able to date a person with kids, personally, so the fact that he did, and the fact that he's trying to work this out helps a lot. I'm still pissed about the way it happened, but Angela (heart_of_gold) explained it really well... "If you love something and let it go, if it's meant for you, it will always come back to you. And what's meant to be will always find a way. But that doesn't mean you don't have to work at it. Just keep discussing it with him, and letting him know you're there, waiting. I really do think he's just scared. I think that's why it happened while he was camping and had been away from you for a few days. He wouldn't have been able to do it if he had to see you, because he loves you" So yeah. I'm waiting on it... but I once again have that feeling that I had when I met him... the feeling like he's going to play a major role in my life. <3 Tiana [font=wingdings]n n n n n n n n [/font] Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world [font=wingdings]n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n[/font] |
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Weird. Guys are just so weird. This type of thing has happened to me a couple of times. The only difference is that the guy didn't have a baby so I guess that the situation is different. I don't know why the guy you love is doing this to you though. He just doesn't seem mature enough to be with anyone right now. He has a kid to take care of and I think that he's more worried about that. I just hate it when guys break a girls heart...or vic versa. I don't understand why people do this. Lazy I guess. If he really does love you then he wouldn't give up on you. That's what love means to me. I was with this guy who was only half way serious about me. I told him that I loved him after a year and he still wasn't ready for that. I can't believe that I was ever with him for a year...for so long. I'm glad that he broke my heart though because then I wouldn't have been with the most amazing guy ever. I guess you just have to go through all of the bad to get to the good in life...and it seems like I have found that...finally. Hopefully you will find that to one day.
I'm going to subscribe to your journal. I like reading it.
I dunno.... I was just left with an "I love you but I'm unhappy with our situation while you're in Japan" and "I'm doing this for our future" kind of breakup.... and I have to say I think it's a nice kind of bullshit. The truth is he doesn't have the guts to stick it out. I can see why he's intimidated with Allie and all that.... but I don't want to see you keep your heart set on him and then have him start dating someone else. Yes, he said there wasn't another girl, but that doesn't mean he won't meet someone. I dunno I'm cynical but I just don't buy it. You probably shouldn't listen to me right now.
Love,
Darcy