Readalottobooks , 25

I hate how all of a sudden it's so difficult.

Lori (one of my favorite professors) last week said our groups for projects "are not counseling sessions. If you need a counselor, I can hook you up with one or three." I'm going to talk to her to see if I can find someone to talk to. It's really starting to drag me down.

Classes seem to still be going well. I'm making myself sit down and work on the homework and reading, though I haven't caught up quite yet.

I'm going back and forth on work. I like working on the sales floor, I like helping members, and I like working in the cold environment. I get really stressed out, though, when I'm on the register a lot, and fall behind on milk stocking, and my night crew guys CAN'T READ! Seriously, does beer battered fish even sound remotely close to fish sticks? Or crispy chicken strips with the grilled chicken strips?? My manager's great and understanding, as is my team leader. I have a few other coworkers I can talk with, although my beloved demo ladies are no longer there to say thanks for all of your hard work. I feel a little awkward talking to Stacy at work now, now that she's dating my crush :(.

Social life. Oh social life. I was doing pretty well there for a while, not drinking quite as much as I did last semester. Then last week happened. Monday I was pissed because I found out about Jackie and Stacy while I was with Chris at OC. I went to class, then went out to Phil and Larry's (a local saloon) with Tony, Stacy, and Jackie later. I decided I had enough there, and went back to OC. Tuesday night was karaoke at Creekside. I had quite a bit of beer, but it was a decent night. That ended early, though, so I decided to stop at OC on the way home (it's always on the way home! Quite literally!). Perhaps was a little too tipsy to drive, so I got food and stayed there for a while. Wednesday, I wasn't going to drink, but Chris called me and we went to OC before class. My mom knows about it this time, though she's still clueless about last semester. Next thing I know, the bartender's giving me free drinks. Thursday I really don't drink. Friday, it's OC, of course! But, Chris has a surprise for me. We go see the 10:25 showing of Avatar 3D. I liked it, thought it was a good movie. Except Chris fell asleep, and didn't respond to any of the moves I made on him. (I'm still confused about us. Why is it always just the two of us hanging out? Won't he ever admit that maybe he actually likes me?) Saturday night was a late night at work, and I decided to skip karaoke. We went to OC instead, Ann, Brett and myself. We went to Ann's place later, and listened to Lidija's sister's sob story, and tried to watch two movies. Ann and I did some serious cuddling, and a bit of touching.

Last week was waaaaaaay too much, though. I can't keep doing that all semester. I'm bound and determined to not let that happen.

Now if only I could keep this depression from knocking on my door... 

So...

I can feel the depression's back a bit. I'm trying hard to keep it at bay.


One thing that doesn't help is what I learned Monday. Stacy's going out with Jackie.

I don't think I've ever been this jealous before.

I'm feeling some seclusion coming on. 

Work has been absolutely nuts these past few days. Saturday was a bad nuts, today was an awesome nuts.

I saw Jackie unexpectedly today. She came in to visit with Stacy, and I think to drive her home (not entirely sure...). But damn she's hot!

Stacy's facebook profile says she's in a relationship. I'm jealous. I'm lonely. I'm still painfully single.

Michael brought his girlfriend to karaoke Saturday. I didn't have any pings of regret or jealousy. I was surprised. We had a good time. Stacy and I talked for a while as we played in the arcade.

Tony and I agreed that perhaps we'll cuddle again on Tuesday night, after karaoke. I think that'd be great.

It would still be nice to have someone of my own, though... :(

Money's tight right now. I have car payments, and I charged a bit on my credit cards, plus I have tuition. I think my parents will help me out with an interest free loan. I just don't want them to foot the entire bill.

I've been drinking a lot of pitchers lately. I have a few friends that help drink them, so we all chip in and help buy the beer. That works a lot better than the expensive OC beers. I'm 4 beers away from completing my second tour, and then OC will be cut waaaaaaaaaaay back, out of necessity. I'm going to miss the people, though.

Well, that's all I got for now. 

Classes are off to a decent start.

Money's a bit tight right now.

Still single.

But I found another person I can cuddle with on a semi-regular basis.

Karaoke last night was fun. But I started getting depressed as the night went on. We parted our ways, and Tony texts me several times. I ended up bawling the whole way home. It did feel somewhat relieving, but also pained. It has been years since I've cried that hard. Anyway, Tony says if I need someone to talk to, he's always there. If I need someone to cuddle with, he's an expert cuddler. If I wanna go stay the night, his bed is uber comfy. (all in his words).  Next thing I know I'm driving back across town, and I spend the night with him. Lots of good cuddling, and talking. And a few kisses. Keep in mind, now, that Tony lives with Stacy, another good friend and coworker of mine. Stacy got home last night and saw my car in front. I almost feel scandalous.  But it was companionship that I needed last night, and companionship is what I got. Tony and I agree that we ought to perhaps do that more often. Honestly, I'm so fed up with not living on my own that I'd just move right in with them. They're both really good friends.

Okay, so I admit one thing has me slightly weirded out. He's 41... He graduated from high school the same year I was born. The age difference is a little odd. But it is just friendship and companionship (for some reason I feel the need to clarify: not the same kind of companionship that Inara provides in Firefly).

Jackie hung out with us last night. Her voice is absolutely amazing. I definitely kinda like her.

I haven't talked with Jason much, although he somehow has the thought that he's been blowing me off. I don't think that's true. At this point, I think Jason and I are just going to be friends. 

I've been thinking about going to mass this Sunday. I would like to, but it's something that I hardly ever do and would want to go with someone. This Sunday would've been my grandmother's 84th birthday. She passed away three years ago. If I found someone willing to go to mass with me, I think I'd go. I actually love the rituals and traditions behind mass. We'll have to see how that ends up.

Well, I was just going to write a short blurb about Tony, but it ended up being a long blurb and many short blurbs. As I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night (too much fun spooning), I'm going to consider sleeping now. 

Sorry it's been a little while!

I've been going to Old Chicago every Friday night, sometimes with a whole group of people, sometimes just Chris and me. I'm very close to completing my second tour, but that'll be taking a backseat. I need to seriously start saving my money.

I've been going to karaoke twice a week, Creekside on Tuesdays and The Hat on Saturdays. Tuesdays is usually just myself, Tony, Stacy, and Jackie, occasionally Tim or Michael. Saturdays it's myself, Tony, Stacy, Chris, Michael, and occasionally Tim, Jason, and others. (More on Jackie and Jason later :)) Karaoke nights are good and fun. I sing occasionally, though I still don't think I'm that great.  If I drink (which I don't always on these nights), the beer is cheap. I love these crowds. They're fun to hang out with.

I haven't hung out with Brett, Lidija, and Ann much lately, except for our Firefly marathon last weekend. I really enjoy watching that show. I would like to hang out with them more often, but it's difficult with school and my preset Friday and Saturday nights.

So, I had a dream about a week ago about Zach. Remember him? He's my steak and shake buddy. We've been trying to go for a month now, but something keeps coming up. Anyway, so in this dream we were dating. I was surprised by this dream, especially since there's very little chance of that happening.

Not sure if i ever told you, but Brett's crowd is a cuddling crowd. During Firefly, Brett cuddled with Danielle, and that left me to cuddle with Ann. I was very comfortable with that. We had our arms around each other for a while, and held hands for a bit. We haven't talked about it, but I've seen her many times since. I do know that I value her greatly as a friend.

Working at Sam's, I see many people I know. I ran into Shawn there two weeks ago. Shawn is the friend that sorta/kinda asked me out in August at a friend's birthday party at Jersey Grille. Anyway, I was surprised to see him. He said that he was looking for Brett, but I have a feeling that Brett told him about my recent disappointments in the relationship field and actually came in to ask me out. Because he did. He said we'd have to do dinner and hang out sometime. I said sure, we could do that. Five days later, he's in again, reiterating the same sentiments. I haven't called him yet, but I've been crazy busy. I did text him tonight to say I haven't forgotten about him. I don't know exactly how I feel about it, though. I'm flattered that I was asked out, but I don't really care for him. I like hanging out with him in Brett's group, but just the two of us don't have much in common.

So, a few weeks ago at Creekside, Tony hit on Jackie and was shut down. It doesn't help that she's close to 18 years younger than him, and is a lesbian. She's an amazing singer, and has a great personality. She has sort of migrated into our Tuesday night crowd. I might kind of like her.

I've met Jason a few times, mostly when he shows up at The Hat. He also has a good personality. He's actually in one of my classes. I mentioned on Tuesday that I'll be going to Creekside for karaoke. Turns out, he and some of his other friends were out barhopping, so they stopped by. He convinced his friends to leave him there so he could hang out with us. Mind you, he has had some alcohol, so he's having a good time. We all sang a few times. I was a little low on cash, but Jason bought me two beers.  We played a few games of pool, and he won, though they were close games. After we finished out the karaoke part of the night with Seasons of Love (I requested it, and Stacy, Jackie, Jason and myself all sang, though I covered the guy lines by myself since Jason didn't know it), we decided we were hungry and went to Steak and Shake in Jackie's Honda Pilot (<3 Hondas). Next thing I know, Jason and I are holding hands in the back seat. We get to S&S, and Jason picks up the tab for everyone's food. I left the tip. On the way back to Jason's car, we held hands again, and made eye contact a few times. After Jason leaves, Stacy turns around and asks "what's going on." I probably blushed, but she couldn't see it. I didn't tell her anything, though I'm sure she has a good idea. Jason and I were silent almost the whole way. We said our good-nights, and that was it. I came home to a Facebook message thanking me for the great evening, and hoping we could do it again soon. I'll see him in class tomorrow, provided it's not iced out.

And here I go with the perpetual "I'm tired of being single" thing. I like Jason, but I don't know if it could ever be more than friends. He's 35, so a little older. His age I'd be okay with. The fact that he has a kid throws me off a bit...  We'll see what happens.

And now classes. I'm taking five classes: educational psych, adolescent psych, humanities of the Renaissance, US history since 1877, and calculus 1. The two psychs should be a lot of fun, with an awesome professor. In adol psych, Jason sits on my left, and one of my favorite Old Chicago workers sits on my right. We'll have fun with that class. I don't think I'll have a break with Shannon this semester, though. I had grown used to those, and it was so stress-relieving to have someone to talk to. I'm slightly debating whether or not I want to take calculus, though. It would be nice to have my evenings free... I'll probably keep it. I just need to make sure I stay on top of homework and NOT go to OC before class. Who knows, maybe with some luck I'll even make the dean's list again!

Even though I'm AotM for January, it's been a bad month work-wise for me. For some reason, I've been getting stressed out over it. I'm doing my best to take a chill pill and do what I can, but I actually called in one day. Granted, I was in Kansas City that day visiting Taryn, but it's still the first time I've ever called in. I may have even stressed myself out to the point that I made myself physically ill. I'm just coming over it, but I had to leave work early Sunday I was in so much pain. Things are starting to look up, thankfully.

Kansas City!! So much fun! I originally was going to visit Dan, and once I got to Atlantic, we discovered we had the chance to see Taryn if we traveled south. So, I drove us to KC, and had a blast. It was great to have a few days off, and spend time with some of my best friends. It was much needed. The whole trip lasted from Monday morning to Wednesday afternoon, so not much time at all. A ton of driving, as well. My Fit gets great gas mileage, and travels beautifully on the highway. On the way home, I was driving right in front of a winter storm, so I did hit some snow, but I made it through fine. It was a much needed break.

Well, I'm trying to think of what else I might need to update you on... I think I've shared just about everything. It sure is long enough! I think I'll call it a night. :D