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Well well well..
Marcotte87 24
heeey you! i see youre not overly active on the site… -
Well well well..
Sme 28
Oyy I have very obviously not been on here in a whi… -
Well well well..
Sugar_xxx 26
You finally made an entry!! Lol. That sucks Jewel s… -
It's all just too much
KKzMissShrtcake 26
I figured they would fire him. Like I said, falling… -
It's all just too much
Sugar_xxx 26
Aww, that sucks Mike got fired. I hope he can find …
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82. Do you know my love is true?There are times that he really does say some pretty amazing things and there are also times where he makes me feel like I'm his entire world. But, once he gets to talking about dating and whatnot all of that changes. I actually assumed that (that) was half, if not most, of the reason why he left me in the first place. He was getting scared that we were getting too serious after 2 1/2 years and he wanted to loosen the chains a bit and see what else was around him or whatever. He did have a few girls that I'm sure he could have dated or even done things with - though he denies it all and says nothing ever happened. He actually still holds me dating someone else against me sometimes, but he notes that as one of the biggest differences between us. I like to be dating and be with someone and he doesn't really favor it. I guess... he must really like me if he's still with me. Maybe, you could call it love too. Cause that really is quite some time to be with someone and not care for him. Though, I always feel or am scared that he just stays because we've been together so long that its just right and it'd just be too weird to be without one another and it'd be too weird to hug or to kiss someone else. It just wouldn't be right. And, I feel that way as well.. but, I know I could probably still do it and move on if I hand to. But, I'm scared that I'm just a habbit to him as well and that's also another reason why he's with me. We've kind of spoken about this a bit before and he did call me a habbit. I can't remember if that was one of those things he mean't or not, but either way it's stuck in my brain. It's not really something I want to hear. I want to be with him for all of the right reasons and because we have love for each other and whatever. And, I do fear that in the future we may end up splitting because one of us will decide that all the sudden we want to go out and venture into the world and see how things are being single or with other people. I get curious at times, but I feel like my heart really belongs to him. Actually... it really was hard to get him out of my mind, even when I was with someone else when we broke up I was thinking of him. I felt guilty and sorry for the person I was dating because I wasn't thinking about him when he was holding me sometimes. And, it's really .. just.... sad. I'd give up everything for him. I really would. I guess I cant expect things to be perfect and I cant expect a fairy tale story, because I know I'm never going to get that.. but it's nice to dream, anyways. Sometimes I dont feel good enough for him. Sometimes I feel like he's looking for something more. And when he expresses so freely about how 'unhappy' he is about life and how he has nothing to be happy about that is quite saddening as well. I feel like Im not doing my job and I have no purpose and no affect on him or his life. I want to be that person for him, I really do. But.. honestly.. I guess only time will tell how things are going to play out in the end. I guess it's good enough to know that he still feels something when he sees me or that he did feel those little sharks. I felt all of those things too and for the longest time I thought I was crazy because I knew from the very beginning that this would take me far with him. I didnt really imagine it would be for this long, but I knew we'd go far together. He used to say that we were soulmates, actually. Kinda cute. I made it through Saturday successfully working at both jobs. I really didn't think I'd be able to do it for awhile, but I made it through just fine. I got called into work at the party store early on Monday. Juan (assistant manager) called me at 9:30am and asked me to come into work as soon as I could instead of working the night shift. I gladly agreed, and the earliest I could get there was 10:30. I only worked till 4 and then I was free! On the way home I decided that I would stop by Jewel and give my manager the long list of hours that I have at the party store so she can prepare ahead of time and we don't have to do this week by week bullshit and hope that everything works out okay. She really did not seem pleased for the most part because she noticed a lot of night shifts and she wanted me to mostly work night shifts. So, she just said "we'll see how this goes." and we left it at that. I'm kind of scared to go back into work Thurs. hah. The next week or so should be fine, but once we get more into October I'm banking in a lot of hours... so.. I don't know. I mean, I've got shit to pay for. I don't want to be paying off student loans 5 years from now. I want to get rid of whatever I can while I can, but.. sadly I'm not making enough anymore to the point where I can send money away and put some away at the same time. I guess I could - but I'd only be able to put away very very small portions of money. I still didn't want to completely get rid of Jewel, but I may have to explain the situation to her. I've got things going on and I think she needs to also think of other peoples needs as well and what she would do if she was in my position. Yeah, Jewel is closer and yeah I'm making a whole 40 cents more, BUT, I'm barely getting the hours. I just bought my last book today for my other class that starts in a few weeks. I already paid the cellphone bill for this month, and I just sent out 425 dollars to the loan company. I have like 1300 left to pay --- plus whatever interest is on there. Mom said it wasn't too bad, I made the biggest payments in the months where there was no interest at all, but then shortly after that was when I lost my job. Soooo I havent been able to pay anything on it for awhile. I dont know. My grandparents came out to visit today to take my dad out for lunch for his bday. I ended up getting dragged with to the Olive Garden. Guess it was nice, but its really irritating to hear about all the drama within the family. Each family has very unique characteristics to them and a lot of drama-filled stories that I don't really care to hear. And for some reason they feel the need to tell everyones business as much as they can while they're here and it's just kinda.. ehh. My gma asked about me for like a minute and then moved on to a different subject. haha. Mike says its because I'm actually stable and normal, but... I dont know. I'm neglecting writing this paper. I almost missed the deadline to turn in the thesis and outline. (it was due today) I did it the other night at 1am. hahhh. Now, I figure I should just do the paper and get it over with... or at least start it, but I dont want to. I hate writing papers. I feel like I have more to say, but I dont really know what. I feel incomplete. but, maybe it will come to me later. =/ I should stop procrastinating also. 81: Just some thoughts How solid do you think a relationship really is when one person will give anything just to have someone, and the other person would be pretty happy just to be single. Sometimes, I really wonder what my place is in his life. Other times, it all seems to be so obvious. I wonder if he's with me for the right reasons. I wonder if he really feels strong emotions for me. I wonder if all the words out of his mouth are the truth. Though, I imagine, if he really didn't like me or even love me - we wouldn't be where we are today. We had an interesting conversation the other night. His rambling about how we're so completely different because I hate being alone and not in a relationship and he could go without all of it. I suppose he's happier with the fact of being alone. Apparently, he doesn't like the term nor the idea of dating. He enjoys being free. He'd rather be free; there's too many "obligations" involved. Honestly, it kind of made me feel bad. I probably do overreact and just overthink everything, but I believe everything that's said and done has a reason. I suppose I really shouldn't think much of it because of the fact that we're here together still. Though, he did finally admit something that I've never heard him say before and that was the fact that he left me because he was scared. He went into this whole big ramble about how he thinks dating is just dumb and he only dates people that he thinks are worth it. And, I asked him how he knew I was worth it or how he even decided to date me. This I never heard before either: but he said I make him feel different. He doesn't like to say that he feels butterflies, so he says he has sharks in his tummy. And supposively, when he saw me something just clicked in his brain that said, "you really need to date this girl." It was actually a really nice story to listen to and it was amazing to hear those things from him. But, with all his talk about not liking dating and how he really really enjoys being single - it really throws me off balance there. But, he started saying stuff about how he didnt think we'd last that long, but once the months kept adding on and then it lead to one year and then two years and then 2 1/2.. and then he said he started getting scared. And, I always knew he was, but he would never admit it. Never. He made up some dumb excuse about why he left that I still feel very unclear about till this day, but I've stopped asking questions and just assumed what I know and how I feel about the situation, and it turns out I've been right all along. I feel like I can kind of close that door finally and move on from it.  But, still the fact how he expresses very passionately about the single life really does make me scared. And all his talk about how there's so much more out there in the world; not just for me but for him as well. I dont know. I mean.... it is super crazy to know that I've been with him since I was in 8th grade. And, I dated... one person for a few months while we were apart and that was it. I didnt experience the world, really. But, I guess we were brought back together for a good reason, right? I dont know. I suppose that's why I always feel so scared and paranoid about our relationship because I have this never ending fear that he's just going to leave. He seems to hate the fact that I know where he is all of the time when his own mother doesn't even know, and she calls ME looking for him and wanting to know where he is. I dont know. I really love that boy more than I ever thought I would, and the thought of losing him is really depressing. Sometimes I do wonder how things would be if we weren't together and maybe sometimes I do get curious about what other things the world may have to offer me, but I enjoy being with him. Idk. I've got a lot on my mind it seems. I guess I'm still trying to digest all of his words. =/ But, I should prob stop trying to put more thought into all these words. Anyways ---- Two families came to the house Friday and Saturday to take a look at the pups. I think both of them are going to buy one. Although, I do believe only one of them has put down a deposit for one. Pretty sad that the second family chose Seven. =[ I really didnt think she'd be one of the first ones to go. I was at work when they came to see her, and I heard that one of the kids dropped her. Before I even knew this it kind of seemed like she's been acting funny, and then when I heard that .. maybe it all fits together. =/ Or maybe she knows she's leaving. lol. I dont know. I've gained another favorite already. Which, is really horrible. lol. But, at least I have new ones to hold onto for a little while. heh. I wouldnt be too horribly upset if we got stuck with one.. but def not five of them! ugh. I've decided that I'm going to give my manager at Jewel the entire schedule for the rest of this month and October for the party store and tell her to work around those days, instead of doing things the other way around. Ultimately, it would make more sense that way anyways. I think she'll actually be really pissed about it, but... honestly... I think anyone in their right minds would go for a place that was offering them more hours even if you get paid less. It's only a 40 cent difference and if she's only giving me like 2-3 days a week...... I cant put myself through college with that money. Soo.. she'll have to deal, and at least if I warn her ahead of time.. I dont think it should be too horrible, eh? I didnt want to completely get rid of the job at Jewel, specially incase I dont become a regular at the party store - then at least I'll have some type of job under my belt, ya know? I dont know. I was thinking about stopping in there tomorrow on my way to the party store and giving her my schedule, but I have this weird... big... gut feeling that this won't go over well. Gahhh. I feel really lame, but I'm totally excited to do xmas shopping already. =/ I dont know why. but, since I got paid I decided I would start and.... soo I ordered a present for three people already. aha! I was gonna purchase a gift for myself.. but.... I refrained from doing so. Maybe next week. haha. I'll give a gift to myself. Which... I really need to get more work pants, seriously! Not really the kind of gift I want, but I need mas! Yarg!! I got a big fat check from my college for the loan money that I didn't use also. But, I'm going to send out a check today and use that money to pay for the first loan that I still have not paid off yet. I am almost done with it, but then I still have a second loan that needs to be worked on. Oh, and I still need to buy one more book for my classs that starts in a few weeks. bleh! I dont know what else. I feel like cleaning. I'm actually awake past 10:30. It's almost amazing. The past week I've been knocking out super freaking early, I dont even know why. I'd just lay in bed and could not, for the life of me, keep my eyeballs open. Kinda sad. I feel like Im going to get back in my habbit of not being able to sleep at night. Ehhhh. I work tomorrow/today at the party storeee. I have tues and wed off. Woo! Friday is dads bday. Still fairly unsure of what to get him. Course, I'm making his cake. It's so hard to shop for him. Humph! Think I'm done. Im just going to ramble more if I dont stop now.  So far gone.Turns out - my background check went through just fine. It honestly amazed the hell out of me. I told my mom this and she was shocked and happy, and asked me if the weights were coming off my shoulders. I told dad and he said, "it's nice to have know people." So, I don't know if he worked magic and got someone to take that off my record somehow -- or if he just thinks he did and really they just didn't catch it or didn't get in contact with that agency; I have no idea. But, I guess it really doesn't matter because they're more jobs to put on a resume and more experience that may potentially help me in the future. Thus, I can't complain. It's amazing to gain a job within a month; let alone two. Which, is slightly ironic because Mike has been looking for two - but yet I got two. Hahh. But, oh well. They're both giving me about the same amount of hours, so it's kind of feeling really shitty. One place is paying me 40 cents more and that's about the biggest difference right now. But, at the party store - I'm going to get trained on the register now. I'm kind of thinking that she'll end up keeping me there. I do pick things up fairly quickly. I think I kind of have a thing for retail, even though I hate it most of the time. But, ehhh. Course, I'm already have problems with the scheduling. Both jobs are fighting over Saturday. This Saturday.. everything works out fine and I get to (not so gladly) work at BOTH places. But, next Saturday the party store wants me from 9-4 and Jewel wants me from 3-9. So, there's conflict there. And, my manager at Jewel basically said my hours are 3-9 and that's that. Soo.. I gotta try to fix that problem before next saturday. But, doesnt make sense cause both jobs only have me scheduled two days each. Think the party one will be more frequent in a few more weeks - then I dont know what I'm going to do with Jewel. =/ I dont understand why she can't just make one constant schedule instead of flip flopping days ALL the time. I should prob write down the entire schedule for the party store and show my other manager it first and see what she can do around that. ugh. Guess no one said this would be easy, eh? The upsetting part... is mostly that I picked up my check(s) today. No one ever told me where to get them, and so there was three checks there. All of them combined was a whopping 258 dollars. Which, makes me very sad because I made a ton more at Walgreens in two weeks and that's pretty much... two weeks of working, I think plus training. =/ Not good at all. Not when I'm trying to save money, pay a cellphone bill, pay off some loans, etc. etc. ugh. fuck lifee. I don't want to write this English essay. I actually am wishing it would magically get done by itself. At this point, I'd pay someone to do it for me. haha. School is school though. I'm getting by. Things are still slow. Life is still bleh. My hand is cramping.. er something. Feels really awkward. We have some people that are coming this weekend to take a look at the pups. I suppose that's a good thing. always sad when they go though. I made a oreo cake thinger when I got home from work. Looks pretty good to meeeee. =] Dont even feel like it. Online classes really aren't that bad at all. I think I just like them more because I feel like I have a lot more freedom. I'm actually... myself in my writing and I know if I was in a classroom I wouldn't share as many things about myself as I am through that class, but I think everyone reacts that way as well. It's kind of nice. You won't get judged, you won't get looked at funny, you don't have to dress nicely to impress anyone. heh. It's conveniant for me. Plus, I'm lazy and I know I wouldn't want to get up to go to class and would want to skip days. =P And, when I went on campus I did skip as many does as I could until the teachers started taking points off. bahaha. It's really not horrible though. It's just unfortunate when the course isn't flowing well, and this is the first time I've had that problem. =[ I think its because most of the work is done on a completely differet site. And, you needed an access code that comes with the book to get onto that site, and for some reason we had to get a new access code and after that the whole website turned crazy and there's so much information and the instructor thinks he's being very clear about everything, but he's not. So, its hard to put up with. But, if I get points taken off for things missing I'm not gonna let that fly because he's not answering my emails if he recieved them or not, and I think that's bullshit. That's his job! Note to self: stop making dumb decisions. kthx.  I'm barely finding time to do my homework, which is really rather unfortunate. But, I guess that's also the nice thing about online courses.. is that things are kind of slower paced anyways and they drag out. I dont know if that's saying much though because my on campus classes were kind of just dragging along too.. with barely any homework. but, ehh. whatevs!  This picture above is my Seven puppy! =] I luff her. My mom wanted to call it a note at first, but when my dad looked at it he said it looked more like a seven to him. which, it really does. But, she's quite lovely.  Here's another shapeee. I do believe we call this one star. At least, I think thats here. Im trying to get pics of all of their unique little shapes, but its not all the time they sleep on their backs like that. hehe. Oh well. I became unlazy while Im on the phone with Mike. =P Really.. I dont have anything else to say. Im supperrr tireddd, and I dont even know why. Oh, and I HATE delis!!! When I look in your eyes, I can see the sunrise.Hello my loves! I always feel so awkward how I get really happy when I'm bleeding, and any other day I'm not thrilled about life at all. Hah. Makes no sense to me. I do have some news though!!!! I got a call from Cheryl yesterday, I think it was. And she is the lady from the Party Store. (the one that my bestest buddy is the assistant manger at) Annnd so, she told me that she wanted me to work there: temporary part-time. I'm not really sure if I'll be getting a regular position afterwards, but we will see. Actually, I'm still unsure if she will want to keep me or not. She gave me three days to work next week and the first day she said we would go over paperwork, videos, and background check???? Aha. Background check = no bueno! I'm pretty sure that crap is going to show up, which I'm really nervous about. I'm thinking the more experience I have, jobwise, the more it would help other companies hopefully disregard what it says. But, Mike's thinking that only the paper with the certain companies are going to see that stuff in my background check, but I dont think that's true. I suppose we'll find out, eh? Or, I'm hoping she'll just be desperate enough to keep me because no one else wants to work there. haha. She had me and one other guy in mind and Steph told me that guy said he found something else already. So, Idk what she's done to replace him. But, guess I will see what my fate is on Monday when I start. =/ I suppose the nice thing for right now is that the hours she gave me aren't going to interfere with the ones I have at Jewel. I finally told my manager about it last night. haha. And, I guess the hours she had me on didnt affect the ones Sheryl gave me, so meh. That's kinda cool. And, its even better because I still have my two days off at both places to see Mike and to get whatever else done that I can in the mean time. heh. But, ohh well. Being at Jewel is pretty sucky. I'm not really excited about it, but I cant complain cause it's still something. That's the biggest news that I have, really. I was going to post more pictures when I wrote again but I'm feeling lazy right now. haha. I can say that the puppies are all doing well. They're getting so big, way too fast. haha. It's crazy how time just flys by. They're getting their teeth in already, and pretty much escaping from the pool already as well. heh. We're trying to get them used to peeing on a little pad too, and its pretty much working for the most part. They really are amazingly smart dogs; they just choose to be silly sometimes. But, I'm hearing that we still dont have many people at all that want to buy them. And thus... we'll be fucked and stuck with 10 dogs! Aha! Talk about crazy. School is school. I feel like Im not getting anything done. It's hard to actually get shit done with how crazy the house is, and now that we have limited computers as well it makes life even harder. ugh. And this one class is so messed up too. My personal wellness class is so out of control. It is THE worst experience with online classes that I've ever had, and I dont think its going to get any easier. The teacher is unclear and doesnt really respond to us, but yet he thinks everything is so simple and is clearly stated in the syllabus and whatnot. gah. I want to punch him in the face. I still need to buy a book and then Im waiting for a book to come for another class cause they apparently dont have it in stock - so they're shipping me one for free directly from the publisher. Lucky for them, its a self paced course, I guess??? Oh well. I'm so done with this semester though. haha. I think Im done now. =/ p.s. Lil Wayne is kind of a hottie. |
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