SatansGift666 , 21

-- Unspoken Feelings --

There's alot that I really wish to say to you. But most of the time, I can never get the words out. There's alot that I keep from you, but I really dont mean to do so. But with all my past relationships, it's hard to open up to you, like I really want too, after being crushed one after another. Two times in a row, I got hurt. I hope you dont expect that much out of me, because when it comes to emotions, I get very weak. Back then, I wouldnt have a hard time expressing my emotions to someone. I'd tell people things straight up, despite me being shy and all, I'd say what I'd have to say. But now, everythings bottled up inside me.. it wont come out until another one of those lovely breakdowns that I tend to have every so often. I'd sit there and tell you how lucky I think I am and how grateful I am to have you in my life, but that'd be to much. I dont wanna seem obsessed or.. anything of that sort.. or like im depending on you way too much. Those kinds of things can steer people away from what I've seen. But I cant help who I am, nor the things that I do. I cant help me being paranoid, or my insecurites, or me being so scared all the time. That's just me for you. If you cant handle it, then dont bother messing with me, dont worry about hurting me, I should probably be immune to it by now, it's happened so many times. But that's besides the point.. point being, back then, I just got used. They were in it all for the booty, and that I did not give.. and I was suicidle and they cant handle that. But if you cant handle it then why continue on something that wont last anyways? why do you carry it out in the first place? I dont/didnt understand that.

But, now that I have you. The best thing I got going for me right now. I couldnt be more thankful. Your my everything. My light to the darkness in which I live in. My shoulder to cry on. Your what makes my world go around. And I'd be lost without you. My rock.. to which I can always depend on to be there for me. My best friend. Words cant really express the way that I feel for you. But alls I know is that all the " i love you's" that I said to you, were true. After abusing that word so many times in my life, your the one that I can say it too, and truly mean it. Despite family and all. You make my world complete. And I love everything about you. It doesnt matter waht you look like, doesnt matter waht anyone else thinks, I dont care what the world thinks.. your mine.. my world.. the only one that I really want at this point. Im not talking about commitment or anything.. shit.. we're still young, need to have our fun and whatnot. But, I wouldnt leave you for the world. no one can take you away from me. And the person that tries... wont be breathing after Im done with em. After all the shit I've been through, I learned what to do and what not to do.. waht to watch out for.. all that shit. But your the only one that seems to be completely different from them all. Which is exactly how I want it. and I think another thing is I can relate to you more than I can with anyone else. I dont have to pretend to be happy.. bcuz being with you makes me happy, I dont have to hide my feelings, bcuz i know you'll be there to make me smile, or to try and cheer me up. Your there.. whenever I need you. I can depend on you. Which makes me feel more comfortable around you, knowing that I dont have to be scared wondering what your gonna do next.. your blunt with me, just like I try to be with you.

I dont have to be afraid. I shouldnt be afraid. Im glad that you have that affect on me though. Your slowly putting me back together. Putting me back in order like I need to be. But, for once I can say Im almost truly happy. Despite some difficulties, which dont need to be spoken about at the moment. But.. your the person that means the most to me. Hearing your voice.. feeling your touch... makes everything go away. makes all the pain stop. Everytime I look at you, I cant help but smile.. and think.. he's actually mine. this is fucking real. Im not in a dream.. everythings working out beautifully.. going on three months, and I havent been hurt. Not like I want it to happen or anything, but by three months, the relationship would have been hell, and it would have been over by now, but its still going. (( thank goddess )) and i dont regret anything that we've done at this point. hah, if that makes sense, but ehh. I dont expect anyone to read this anyways..

But, this is my letter to << HIM >> The one I love. I would truly be lost without him. No way in hell would I be able to make it on my own. But, I cant thank you enough for doing what you do for me. Finally, someone's not ashamed of me. Someone's not afraid to tell me how they feel. Finally, Im not being lied too. Er at least I hope not.. yah fuck you steph.. there you go again with your doubts.. ahem.. er anyways... you've changed me in so many different ways. so many different levels. I think I'be grown a bit stronger with you around. Nothing can really change my emotions and the way I view things, but with your help, it means alot.. and it really is putting a huge affect on me. i dont know where I'd be without you. Im glad you took me in before i got caught in another one of those damn traps by mr. asshole, bcuz that's a place i never want to be in again. Thank you for being you, most of all.

Thinking about the future with you.. really makes me wonder. How far will we really last? How far will we really go? Does the future even hold a place for the both of us? Will we be able to stand one another that long? Will you ever get sick of me? Will I ruin the best thing that I have going for me? All those questions run through my mind all the time. But the answers remain unaswered. Of course, there's no way to find out... you just sit here and wait.. living life to the fullest, I suppose. But, I sure hope this goes a long way.. bcuz I cant see myself without you. Thinking about the day we part.. really gets to me. Because, I have a feeling, things will go back to the way they were when we barely knew each other, when I was still with Max.. way back when. We wont talk.. you'll hate me. I'll be back in my depression, in my own little world.. all hell will break loose.. the world would be coming to an end by then. I'd be fucking lost as well. dont know what would happen by that time. I just dont picture me being happy after that. By that time, I'd probably stop dating for at least a year before I'd be able to move on.. I know that much. It's just, I dont see myself without you, I guess. Life would be so incomplete. Nothing would fit together like it used too. I dont think I'd ever find anyone like you again either. If i lost you, that'd be the end of my sanity. There'd be no hope for me. So, I cherish the times that Im with you. The times that I talk to you. The times I may be in your arms. Im yearning for that day to come. heh. But, even though you may not be reading this, or at least I hope not, I wish to thank you for everything that you've done for me, or everything that you may do for me in the future as well. Because it really, truly does mean alot to me. I dont think I'd be here without you.

But, dont ever hesitate to come to me if you need anything. Because, I need you around, just as much as you may need me, if not more than that. I dont know all about your past, but the bits and pieces that I do know.. sounds like you really need someone around. Like your Mother said, it's about time you let someone get close to you.. and I suppose, Im the person that you let.. from waht you say. Im trying to do all that I can for you though. Just keep that in mind, bcuz i really want the best for you. You deserve to be happy, as much as you may think differently. no one deserves that kind of pain like that. Your what I've been looking for most of my life actually. As odd as that may seem. Your what I've been looking for. The only one that makes me complete. i never thought someone would ever be able to make that big of an impact on my life. but amazingly enough it happened. and I cant seem to get you out of my head. Your the only thing on my mind 24/7. Im always wondering where your at.. what your doing.. how your feeling.. what's running through your mind. Maybe Im *truly* in love.. I dont know waht you'd like to call it. but it sure feels like it when i cant get you off my mind, and how your the only one that I think about.. the only one on my mind. I dont know. But that brings me to another thing.

Im still wondering, how we got together. What made you change your mind? Like if you go back and really think about it .. when I was with Max, we'd talk occasionlly.. I'd sit there and complain to you about how much of an ass he really was and you'd sit there and not give a shit, pretending like you did. You never cared back then..then I come to find out that you only did it out of sympathy, and now look where we are. But, it's funny because as much as you were an ass to me, it only drew me closer to you. I like guys with attitudes like that. The bad boys.. -grins- but ahem yeah point being.. I was nothing to you, now im everything?? now i mean something. I actually fucking matter to someone. Amazingly. Dont know how that works. but i went from having nothing and meaning nothing to meaning something to someone and feeling like i having everything in the world, just because of you. Funny how that all works too eh? but point being here.. yet again i dont see how it all fits together. I was nothing to you, just another stupid innocent soul that you'd wish to be burned.. then we started talking more and more.. nonstop, hours on end.. then the first day you actually saw me at book bro's.. i suppose that set it all. Alls I did was sit and look pretty, expressing myself in the little ways that I could.. and I suppose i caught you in my trap. -smilez- You were a really big asshole to me.. haha but yet I still yearned for you to be mine. I never thought you actually did like me beyond all that evilness and wahtnot, it seemed to good to be true, that I'd actually be with someone I wanted. I finally got waht I wanted. for once in my life. It's unbelievable actually. I still dont understand it all. hah shit... I dont know..

...You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.
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...You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.

Hi, Scumbag.

.X-Eh,I suppose I should have explained myself a bit more yesterday. =/ My moods were just really shitty, and I was just sick and tired of everything. I was like that even with Mike, sadly enough. Dont know what the hell is possessing me, but eh Im still alive, overall. I suppose that's what matters at this point.Shit was really crazy last night. I just felt like crap.. and nothing seemed to go right.

.X-I dont plan on doing much of anything today. Luckily, I dont have to go to church either. -grins- but besides that, I guess I just plan on talking to Mike. As for yesterday when I saw him. It was nice. Max was there as well, and the whole time he was sitting there telling me and Mike to makeout. Like there's 15 other people there, including both my brothers, course I wouldnt mind it, but with my brothers being there and all.. hah. that wouldnt be too good. Cuz then the word would get around to Dad.But, he paid more attention to me like he said he would. He was next to me alot, he was attempting to shove a dollar down my bra, hah but he was really hesitating. Then of course he promised me my hug next time cuz Curt was there watching him. hah.

.X-But, I learned something new. He hasnt done that much with chicks, although I thought he would have, considering the way he talks sometimes. Then again, that's just guys for you. But, he told me he was with this one chick for about 6 months, starting in about 6th grade, and that's when he had his first kiss, and she made the move, and he didnt know waht the hell she was doing, so while she was kissing him he was saying "umm what the hell" and basically he said that was the saddest thing ever. And she saw his dick, promised him she wouldnt say nothing.. then she goes and tells her friends that it's all big and whatnot. And something happened, I dont remember what, and they stopped talking, and he was hurt. Then he said the other two times he kissed a girl it wasnt that great either, so he made a confession telling me that he wasnt the greatest kisser, thinking I would be better than him. But no one's shoved their tongue down my throat yet. So, Im not all that experienced, half the reason why I dont do it, cuz i think I suck.. haha im such a fucking loser.

.X-Then we got on talking about the first moves and all. He said he never knows when the right time is and doesnt wanna ruin the moment.. which is why he doesnt do much with chicks. And that I can kind of relate to, cuz i dont make the first moves usually I wait.So, it's good to know that things will be kept on the DL for sometime. Makes me feel alot more comfortable, knowing he talks more and doesnt act on his word so fast. yup yup. But he's great. -sighz- I came online and he had this on his away message "I'ma always be here for you no matter what happens you're all I got in this world I would never give you up for nothin nobody in this world is ever gonna keep me from you I love you." hehe. I dont know.. Im happy at the moment.. so hopefully it lasts..

.X-Paragraph #5

...You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.

I Hate Everything.

x(-date:insert here
x(-time:insert here
x(-wearing:insert here
x(-eating:insert here
x(-drinkng:insert here
x(-thinking:insert here
x(-plans for tonight:talk to Mike
x(-listening to:aol thingy
x(-watching:the screen
x(-talking to:Mike
x(-make-up:have to put it on
x(-weather:tis lurvly out there
x(-woke up @:10ish
x(-crushin' on:clown master
x(-mood:just dandy
x(-smile of the day!:insert here

...You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.

................Hi. Cram It.

...You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time.You.Suck.Big.Time..