---

Shoutouts to people who responded

---

AmongTheLiving : Heh, thank you as well for resubbying and giving me some support. but, yeah Im still in Jr. High, weill graduate by the end of next month.

Arniwyn : alright, I hope your hand gets better soon though Ang. Lurve you.

LiL_BaBiE_GurL : thank you hunni. hope you feel better. love you.

Numba1Chic : =) thank you for resubbying hun. Means alot to me. And thank you for being around for me as well. Im here if you need anything.

Skribblez67 : tis is alright Dear, I love you!!!

sme : aw, well thank you Sme. I LURVE YOU!!!

xDarkxAngelx : - Thank you for the response and everything. heh. Reading that made me happy actually. =)

---

So, this is entry number two. More ranting that no one reads except for me. It's odd because I've been turning here more than anywhere else. I know Im not one to openly talk about my feelings and all, but writing in my main journal would be much easier, because I'd get responses and advice and whatnot, but I guess I dont need that the moment. Im doing fine on my own, from the looks of it. Learning to keep things bottled up inside yet again as always. I dont really know what Im supposed to feel though. Im kind of lost, in a sense. Nothing seems real anymore. All these emotions... I almost feel like it's all a waste of time as bad as that may sound. I mean I really like Mike and all.. and I know with the type of person that he is, it may be hard to believe that I think better of him than any other person, like when he says he's ugly.. and when he says he's not important, he's just like me in a sense.. almost does all the things I do.. the low self esteem.. the suicidle shit.. all of it. It seems to go to be true that we're together. And he told me straight up one day, the only reason he started talking to me was because he knew that Max could be a major ass and wanted to make sure I was.. okay.. I guess. Maybe some part of him really did care to begin with. I mean looking back.. I regret everything that ever happened with Max, I cant believe I made a big deal out of nothing with him, cant believe I wasted my time for three months like that and let him fuck with my head. the only time we talked alot was when he wanted something, when he needed help, it was never about me, and the same shit with kevin as well..

It was never about me. It was all about HIM getting some ass, him getting all his needs met up too. I didnt fit up to his expectations.. because he thought he'd get it like that. just because I got a bad mind and got needs as well.. he thought I'd be right on him.. but I dont play like that. If I did.. I'd probably be a whore, because I know theres alot of guys that have wanted shit from me like that.. not to sound conceited.. but it's happened.. probably happens to all of us, but still. Point being.. now that Im with Mike.. everythings changed.. and he's making it like everything is about ME.. like the whole world revolves around me and everyones at my command. He can think what he wants... but no ones ever been as good as he has. Joey was too much of a goody goody.. but I wont sell myself to him either, as much as I thought about it, I never would. That's not me. Still havent had my real first kiss yet.. and being scared and so insecure like that.. I dont/wont feel good enough when it comes down to it.

Im just confused.. Im tired of hurting.. dont wanna try anymore. I dont have anywhere to run, I cant run from these feelings, because to me that dont matter to anyone anymore. No one. It only makes Mike feel like shit and then he wants to hurt himself for my pain.. I dont wanna drag other people into my bullshit, wont tell my sister.. so it's all locked up.. till i cant take anymore... when that time comes.. all hell breaks lose. Guys better watch your balls.. hah.. cuz I not nice when I'm angry. I can say that much. Im just.. I dont know. Words cant really describe the way Im feeling. Im starting to change. I guess im tired of being so nice to everyone, tired of being stepped on all the time, tired of being me. I came to the conclusion that there's no hope for me.

Okay, so it's barely been 5 minutes and im back here again.. damnit. I dont know what the fuck to do with myself now, I literally just feel like locking myself in a room, crying my eyes out, slicing up, I almost feel like I deserve it now. Mike shared with me some little info about his past life with his ex girlfriend and all.. really doesnt bother me er anything, but he's always so depressing and when he's talking about wanting to kill himself and wanting to leave the world.. and being like "oh yah im doing it this summer" makes me feel like I dont matter, like everytime when he says I do, I dont. I know I already knew he was suicidle, I shouldnt have gotten into it.. bla bla bla.. but you cant help who you like, nor can you help who you fall in love with, maybe you wouldnt want to call what me and him have "love" yet... but I sure as hell mean it, after all the people.. er mistakes.. that I've said it too, I <> **truly** mean it to a guy, other than family. He's my everything, he keeps me on my feet, and if it wasnt for him, I really dont think I'd be at the point Im at now. Im not strong enough, as much as I think I am. I truly dont think Im that strong. I break too easily, probably have too many needs. I like to be a perfectionist, as is my father, what can I say? When I do things, I want it to be done perfectly.. I wont settle for anything but perfect, but some things make an exception, obviously I havent made the right choices in the past, but you learn from your mistakes.. I've made one too many mistakes.. and still havent yet recovered.. dont know if I ever will for that matter, but im just.. lost.. i dont know what to do with myself. If i lose mike, then that's it. I cant sit there and talk about killing myself, or hurting myself, bcuz it makes him depressed.. you lose either way, as much as he enjoys talking about killing himself, it kills me inside.. Im already fucking dead inside, just like he's abusing that fact. But he doesnt know the whole story. I dont know if he ever will.

It's funny, because I trust the kid with my whole fucking life, but not enough to like give him all of my past, and putting my whole past life into his hands. I cant see myself doing that. Im not one to openly talk about their feelings, after all that's happened.. and talking about it to him, makes me depressed.. makes me want to hurt myself, and just sit and cry because I feel so useless, and worthless, knowing that I've been hurt so many times and they never cared, nor do they now. Im just one less person on their immature minds.. almost like all of that was a fling.. but 3 fucking months.. two times in a row.. how does that work?? Why me? I dont understand. I have so much locked up inside, but no one to tell.. some people think they know me so well.. but there's much more about me.. that's still... not talked about. I dont see a reason. I dont trust people. I dont like people. I wish they'd all fucking burn, I wish they all could feel the fucking pain that I feel every time this bullshit happens. Im hurting...uncontrollably. No one's there to catch me. I need someone to hold me. Im at that point of relying on someone else for my happiness.. needing someone again. i have that someone.. just getting back to the part I really need is the hard part. I have a feeling.. a really big feeling.. that his touch is the one I've been waiting for, I can almost feel it. I need him. I cant be without him.. but I cant help but look into the future.. of what things will be, what they may not be, what will happen.. will we still be together, how long will we last.. no one knows.. the saying "nothing lasts forever" is really starting to haunt me.. the shit that I think is forever. never seem to last, it always always comes back and hits me in the face.. I can never win. Im never happy. Im never TRULY happy, I dont see how people can be so fucking happy, it doesnt make sense to me at all. I.. just.. I.. give up.... I want it all to just end.

So, this is where it all happens. No one should be reading this, except for I.. and well the voices inside my head of course, but at the moment they dont count. Locking up everything that goes on doesnt help nor does it do me any good. But it seems to be the only thing I know how to do, or the only thing, I can do. After being hurt and stepped on many many times before in my life that's all I ever want to do is hide and lock everything up inside.. hoping that I wont burst.. and that I'll still have all my sanity. I dont know where to go, dont know who to talk too, dont know who to trust, dont know much of anything about people anymore, except for the fact that I hate most of them, and wish they all would burn. They're either assholes or pretenders. So I limit my choice.

Truthfully, Im just sick of people, sick of the world. Im only stuck on one person at the moment, and that's Mike. He's my world.. my best friend.. my everything.. my light.. my rock.. anything and everything else you can think of. We're alike in so many ways, and he seems to be the only guy that relates to me, the only one who wont call me stupid for doing what I do. He's been there done that, accepted the fact that what happens happen and can learn to work around it all. Whereas all the others, treat me like shit, cheat on me, wont talk to me for months while were going out, and then it always seems to be my fault.. but im used to everything being my fault. Guess that's why I have such a low self-esteem, yeah maybe Im too hard on myself, but what else is there that I can do? It usually is my fault because im not perfect enough, Im a screw up.. I guess. Not pretty enough, never good enough.. I just get led on all the time, and people like to fuck with my head, thinking their gonna get some outta me. But, I play hard to get and you dont get it that easy, unless of course, I really like you. Which there's not many people that I do like. I try my hardest to be good enough for everyone and to meet all their expectations of me and to meet up to all their needs of friendship and relationships and being a good daughter and granddaughter, niece and whatnot, to whoever.. I try.. I really do. But sometimes it just gets to be too much, and I just want to give up, like I cant do it all at once.

Everyone comes to me for this and everyone comes to me for that. yeah, I dont mind, that's waht I told them to do.. but everytime something bad happens, Im the one they depend on, im supposed to have all the right answers, Im the one that knows how to fix everything. It feels great to know that people depend on me that much and want me apart of their lives and everything and then I get thanked and all that good shit, but it doesnt seem like it's enough. there's never any time for me. That's probably why I dont talk about my feelings much. i dont trust people with my feelings. If I keep talking and talking, they know too much, and they have the power to hurt me, they know my weaknesses and whatnot. Which is the only thing holding me back from a "good" relationship, which is why everyone of them seems to be going to hell, except for the one with Mike right now. Me and Mike have lasted 2 months now, and not once have I regretted being with him, not once has he left me unhappy that I wanted to shoot myself er something, he doesnt drive me crazy.. he's more open to me than I am with him, and usually he's not like that. I changed him.. and opened him up, but yet.. he's still working on me. I wish I could be able to do that, but I cant. As much as I want too, I cant. Im too insecure, and too fucking scared to ever do that, as much as I love him, as much as I like him.. as much as I trust him, I still cant. Im not open with my feelings. Sometimes, I wish I wasnt that way.. there's not much more I can do. I feel bad for hiding my feelings from him.. and sometimes think I should probably tell him how grateful I am for him more just so he knows. then again with all the shit I've gone through, he shouldnt have reason to think im cheating on him or would ever do something to mess us up, I'd never do anything to hurt him. I love him too much. I never want to leave him.. but nothing lasts forever, so how can it be. Im only 13 years old.. and already I cant picture being with anyone else but him. Im scared to know waht the future will hold for me. Im scared of what will happen to me and him when we break up. I wanna ask him what he thinks about it.. what his views on it are.. all that.. but Im scared it's gonna ruin something.. so there I go again, shutting it all out, as usual. I cant stand locking up so much.. it even bothers me... keeps me away from people sometimes. but that's just the way I am, I guess. Guess that's waht being a Gemini is all about.. me and my split personalities. -sighz- guess that's all the venting I have to do for now.. probably will be back sooner than I think though.