TheSunIsGone , 27

things are really good. i think i'm happier that i've ever been, at least for an extended period of time. i dont know. lately i've just been perfectly content with everything. Dacota and i are doing so fucking well. everything is pretty much on track with us and it's just so great because i never thought it would be. and i'm not feeling as insecure about being gay. i hold his hand all the time and i kiss him whenever i feel like it. i feel well adjusted and normal and i'm not letting myself worry about it.
the only problem is that i feel so ready for the next part. i want to get married so bad and we talk about it all the time so I know Dacota does too but we have to wait and it's really frustrating. but, i dont know, it's not a big deal. we have plenty of time ahead of us to work on that so as much as i want it there's really no point in rushing it.

and i really like the people i've been hanging out with lately. Some of Dacota's friends call me to hang out even when they know Dacota's busy with work or whatever. And I've been spending some time with that guy Michael and ive met some of his friends and i really like them all. they're mostly other guys which would usually kind of freak me out but they're just all really fucking nice. i feel like i usually have kind of a hard time relating to men and i just have nothing to ttalk about with them but these guys are all really into music and art and they're just really great people.

but seriously, i'm so fucking happy and i'm going to stay happy :]

this got really long on accident. sorry, i'm just excited :]

i'm so happy! easter with Dacota's family was pretty good. we had to get up really early and go to 8 am mass which was annoying, of course, and took like two fucking hours but idk it wasnt that bad. then everyone went back to his grandparent's house for breakfast. got home from that around 2 or 3. we had a couple hours to lay in bed until it was time for round 2 with his dad's side of the family which only lasted until like 8:30 cause they're not mexican so easter isn't that big of a deal, hahah. i'm so glad we didn't get out of there too late though because i was fucking beat.
but when i got home there was a message on the answering machine from my family. oh my godddd it made me so ridiculously happy. i always get kind of sad on holidays, especially ones that are really important for us mexican catholics, because i feel like I'm missing out on so much with my family and it's just sad that things will never be the way they were. but they passed around the phone and everyone told me they miss me and everything and it was just so so so good. i'm fucking thrilled that i'm part of them again and they like me and think of me enough to call me on easter.
i dont know, i was raised with such a huge emphasis on the importance of family and i was on the fringes with everyone for so long and then i was completely estranged from everybody for a long time after that. it just feels so fucking good to know that things really aren't like that anymore. i could go back when ever i wanted and they would be happy to see me. i know some of them are still having a hard time with the fact that i'm gay but they try and that's all i can really ask and i'm more than happy with it.
the only thing that kind of upset me was the lack of my brother on the message. that definitely stung. but idk, i understand. it's a complicated situation and i know it's hard for him and i would love to be on good terms for him but i don't blame him. i know it's not my fault but i get where he's coming from and it's ok. it hurts, but it's ok. i think i'm going to like email him or something. there's not really anything left to say that i haven't already said and i'm definitely not doing it in an email but idk, i could just say hi and ask how he is. i dont know if he'll even respond but if he does that's fucking great and if not then at least i tried. i'm going to his graduation though. he's graduating from college in may and i am so fucking proud of him. he's going out of state for fucking med school after this and that's absolutely amazing but this might be my last chance to see him for a while so i really want to go. and i don't know if he even rememberes or cares anymore but i was supposed to be there to help him move to college and i couldn't be there because i was in rehab and i still feel bad about it. so since i wasn't there at the beginning i guess at least i'll be there at the end. i'm pretty sure my dad will be there, though, which is terrifying but i'm getting ready for it now and Dacota will be with me and i wont have to talk to him. i can do it. i'll probably cry at some point in the day but i'll be fine and i'll get through it.

i'm getting sick. probably because i havent been sleeping enough. faaaaaaantastic. i dont have to go into work today though so im going to try to sleep in as late as humanly possible. hoprfully ill lactually be able to. i tried to convince Dacota to call in sick for today but he definitely cant miss work right now. ugh i just need a lazy day with him. that will probably happen sunday but ive just been feeling so blech lately and i want it now.
god fucking damnit. i just remembered that easter is this sunday. ohhhh my god I wonder if he can get us out of going to church. i'm really not feeling up to making myself look nice, sitting in church for hours and then spending the entire rest of the day with his family. i really like them and everything but this is not good timing for me. too bad it'll be a cold day in hell when his mother lets anyone of the hook for church on easter. i can definitely already head her saying "mijos, necesidad ir al iglesia! es pascua!" basically "wtf is wrong with you it's fucking easter" but said much nicer. oh my goddd fuck my culture's love of jesus.
i totally forgot what the point of this entry was supposed to be. im tired and too mad about hacing to go to church.
ph my god this sucks. the end.

im so sick of people i dont even know hating me just because i'm gay

talked to michael. i made a big deal about it. told him i had to talk to him about something important. dragged it out cause i didn't want to talk about it. he didn't really care much. he just said something like "for sure, it's cool." ugh. it made me feel really bad. i dont know why. i dont know why i expected him to care so much. i barely even know this guy. i dont know why i'm making such a big deal about being friends with him. i guess i get attached to people really easily. i dont know, i just like it when someone cares about me. and i like caring about other people. i know i have Dacota and i love him so much and i know he cares about me but one person isn't very much, i guess. i feel bad saying that. because Dacota is a lot. but, i dont know. sometimes i just need someone else. Dacota has people that call him and want to do things with him and ask him for advice and invite him to parties. i want that too. but i guess that's really all anybody wants. people need other people to validate their existence. to tell them they mean something and that they're needed and important. i think that's why i want a baby so badly. i know there's no way i could ever take care of and raise a child. i'm just not capable of doing that. but nobody needs you like your own fucking spawn needs you.
maybe i'm being selfish. at least i have one person. some people don't even have that. and my one person means more than any number of friends could ever mean. he cares about me more than 20 people calling me could ever care. i guess i should just be happy with that.
i have to wake up in 4 hours. this is not healthy.