TheSunIsGone , 27

yesterday was really good. i was kind of nervous because im not usually at my best on holidays, even ones that arent a big deal like the 4th. i just get sad thinking about my family and wondering if theyre still doing the same things theyve been doing since i was a kid. and idk i was kinda nostalgic about it but i was fine.

Dacota and i went to his parents house. i was a lot more comfortable around his family than usual. idk i guess i finally realized that they were actuallyt happy to see me instead of worrying that they were just being polite.
we went swimming which is pretty unheard of for me because im usually way too uncomfortable being in a swimsuit but idk it didnt bother me as much. and i had fun playing marco polo and giving the kids piggy back rides, haha. but ugh definitely made me wish i had a kid there too but whatever.
they had a barbecue and then we went to a park nearby to watch fireworks. thosse were really good, better than the ones we saw last year. and i let him kiss me then when everyone was busy watching fireworks :]

wow, what the hell... i think this is a little sliver of confidence showing up. seriously, i have felt so fucking good lately. i almost cant even believe it, ha.

i still cant hold his hand or let him give me kisses in front of his family, though. i dont believe that theyre ok with him being gay. i dont know why because ive never seen any evidence of them not being ok with it but idk. theyre mexican and older hispanic people like his parents and grandparentts are usually not ok with it. i mean, they could be, i guess. but i grew up in a mexican family and i know they hated it and i had hispanic friends in high school who were gay and their parents were not ok with it either.
but i dont know. just cause theyre mexican doesnt mean they have to be homophobic. its not something i'm used to and i just need to get used ot it.

aaand i was so worried about little Perla but she was ok. i really didnt want to leave her home alone but i was reading about it online and it said that its best if pets are somewhere thats familiar to them to keep them calm with all the noise and stuff going on. when we got back she was definitely happy to see and maybne a little nervous but she didnt pee or anything so i think she was ok, so that was good.

wow, sorry this got so long!

hmmm im bored at work.
i have a meeting tonight at 8 and i can't wait to tell them about my year.

Dacota took me out last night for a really nice dinner. haha he's so cute. i told him he didnt have to make a fuss about it but of course he did anyway. it was nice though. and it's so good to hear him say that he's proud of me because i worry about that all the time. im always worried that he's embarrassed by me so it's good to hear that he isn't.

and we talked about the condom thing just briefly. it's already been talked to death, i think. i just needed him to reassure me one more time. but it was fine. i cant even remember why i was so worried.

i just love it so much when life is being nice to me.

at Dacota's. he's sleeping. i should be sleeping.
i think i'm going to wake him up though because it's my one year sober and i'm really excited and i want him to tell me that he's proud of me.
i feel so good about this. i havent really been proud of myself for anything in a long time. and obviously i wish i just never had to deal with getting sober in the first place, but idk. i never should have gotten into that shit to begin with, but i got myself out of it and i think thats a lot more than a lot of people in that position can say. getting and staying sober was the hardest thing ive ever had to do and yeah i'm fucking proud of it.
and idk, its still hard and i know it always will be but having gotten through a year definitely makes me believe in myself a little bit more. like if i can do a year i can do five years and if i can do five years then i can do 20 and so on.

oh, we got our test results back yesterday. god even though i knew we were going to be fine i was so fucking nervous opening them. but yeah, everything is fine. i havent decided for sure how i feel about the condom thing but i think im ok with it. idk i havent said anything to Dacota yet cause i dont want to change my mind on him. i'm gona talk to him again about it maybe tomorrow but i really think it will be ok.

hmmm. im happy :]
i think im gona wake Dacota up now, haha

my year sober is in like three days.

i had such a good day yesterday. Dacota and i spent all day at the beach and i got my bonfire and smores :) we just got home like twenty minutes ago and i'm so tired. i got a little sunburned but it's not too bad. one of the perks of being a latina princess is that i dont really get sunburns so itll probably be gone like, tomorrow.

and my foot is a lot better. idk what it was. there is something called plantar fasciitus that runners get a lot. it's like when the tendon on your heel tears because of too much stress/pressure. but idk why i would have it cause it's common in runners, like, hardcore runners, people ages 40 - 60, women, and people who are really overweight so idk why it would happen to me? but i was reading about it online and everything it said about it was like spot on. but now it's gone so idk? whatever though as long as it doesn't come back.

i took Audrey to the planned parenthood on friday. it took so fucking long. oh my god i waited for her for like three hours and the whole time i was really pissed because i dont really understand why i was there instead of her goddamn boyfriend. but whatever. she needed me and i was there even though it should have been her stupid fucking boyfriend.
whaaatever.

hmmmm ok time for bed!

it's 3 in the morning. i'm awake because my foot hurts. yep. i tried to sleep but it was bothering me so much that i couldnt ignore it. idk whats wrong but it's really fucking weird. it's not too bad when i'm not putting pressure on it but i can still feel it when i'm not. ugh hopefully it goes away soon.

uh sooooo i'm talking about sex today. get ready.

i know this is really filthy, but Dacota and i had sex in the bathroom at work during lunc hyesterday. thats actually really embarrassing and i wouldnt be mentioning it other than the fact that i initiated it and that does nooooot happen. idk, ive always been to nervous to be the one to start anything. it was disgusting. i know. ugh. but i didnt even care and a few months ago i never would have done that. so, thats definitely a step in some sort of direction?

aaaaaanyway.

i have to take Audrey to get an abortion tomorrow. idk how i feel about it really, but whatever it's none of my business.
idk i guess i'm just jealous. i dont know if ill ever get to have a baby and she practically has one and she doesnt even care. and its not like its just me that wants one and cant have one. idk like there are so many people who want to have kids and are like, actually capable of raising them (ie: not me) and Audrey is in the position to potentially help one of them.
but idk its more complicated than that, i know. i know it's not like you can just be pregnant and carry the thing for nine months and then just give it away. i mean someone probably could, but idk, not Audrey.
i dont know. it's not my uterus and not my place to say anything. and she's a big girl. she knows whats best for her and she knows what she can and can't handle i gess so whatever i'll drive her to the planned parenthood. whatever.

ok trying to sleep for four hours now