TheSunIsGone , 28

last night was fucking terrible. i tried to run away. not really tried, i guess. more like seriously thought about it. i got as far as sitting in the car in the middle of the night and startinf it and turning it off again a couple of times before i gave up and Dacota came looking for me.
Dacota is coming with me to see my therapist today and we're going to have a long, probably painful conversation .

its not that i want to leave him. i love him more than anything and i'm not whole without him. but... i just dont know why he's still with me. he's too good for me and i know it and he can do so much better and be with someone who wont cause so many problems and make him work so hard. he could be so much happier with someone else. he might not think so or he might say otherwise, but i know he could. i think he just got used to me and all the shit that i put him through. or maybe he's afraid to break up with me because of how i'll react. but he just deserves so much better and i feel like if i really loved him i would want him to be happy more than i would want him to be with me. and i do. i love him so much that sometimes i feel like my heart could just burst. i want to be with him forever, but its just not fair. he is whats best for me, but im not whats best for him. he helps me more than he will ever know, but all i do is make things harder for him. i just want him to be happy. and. i donmt know. i just feel awful and i dont deserve him.

i need to stop thinking about this before i throw up. thinking about not being with Dacota or about him being with someone else makes me feel physically sick. i dont know what will happen to me if i ever leave. i dont think i would ever really be able to, but i might go fucking crazy with guilt if i dont,

i dont knoiw i dont know. i need to stop. i need to sleep.

Dacota and i are having a bit of a sex related issue. that's what this entry is about, so dont read it if you dont want to hear about it.

but anyway. Dacota wants to stop using condoms. this isnt the first time this has come up. when we broke up before it was partially because of this. he didnt want to use them anymore and i didnt feel good about that and we got in a huge arguement because he took my concern about it to mean that i didnt trust him. it wasnt the only reason why we broke up, of course. there was obviously a lot of other shit going on, but that was part of it.

this time he said he will get tested. i probably will too. i dont think i really need to because i got tested right after Dacota and i got back together, but it doesnt hurt to be safe.

i guess what i'm worried about the most is that he's going to cheat on me. i mean, its not like i suspect him of cheating on me or think that he would, but, i dont know. our sex life isnt the best. i'll be the first to admit that. it's getting better, btu it's still pretty messed up. and, idk. he gowes to parties and bars and stuff occasionally. he'll have a couple drinks sometimes, and i'm fine with that. but, idk. i guess if something happened i really wouldnt be that surprised. i dont think he would mean to, but idk. i could see it happening.

and so if that does ever end up happening and he doesn't tell me and we're not using condoms. then that's just all bad.

i really dont mean that i think he's going to cheat on me. i really really dont. i guess i can just see why it might happen and i dont want to take any risks. i can make him promise every day to tell me if anything ever happened with someone else, but that doesnt mean he would.

actually. i dont know if i would want to know about it. i'm having a hard time saying that i would rather get hiv than know that he cheated on me, but i think i might.

i'm atg work. i want to go home :[
i feel really like... deflated today. bleh. just tired and apathetic about everything. i need to go home and eat something and listen to some good music and dance around and then i'll feel better.

Dacota and i had a really good weekend, though. we had sex in his car, haha. i wouldnt be mentioning that other than because that is a really huge step for me. like, idk. i wont get into it, ha. but it really is.

ummm, and omg! Audrey is pregnant. i dont think she's going to keep it, and she shouldn't. she would be a crazy mom and her boyfriend would be even crazier. but i secretly want her to because i'm jealous and i want to babysit it and buy little baby shoes.
idk though. i guess she had an abortion when she was in highschool and it was really tough on her. so idk!
how long can you wait to have an abortion? like 12 weeks or something? she said she's 3 weeks so i guess she has some time to think about it.

i think i might be getting sick. blehhh i was seriously just sick like, a month ago. i've had kind of a left over cough ever since, but it's been kind of worse than usual for the past couple days and today my right nostril (yeaj, just one) was congested all day and still is. idkkkkk whats going on.

sleeping alone last night was ok. i knew it would be because it's not like i never sleep alone. i just prefer not to and try to avoid it as much as possible. but, bleh. whatever. it was fine.
but i'm definitely happy to be at Dacota's tonight. the finale of top model was on tonight andour girl didnt win but the girl who did is alright so we're not too upset, haha.

right now i'm trying to buy some songs on itunes but my itunes fucks with my computer and makes it move at a glacial pace so i'm getting really pissed off. i think i'm just going to sleep instead. goooooodnight.

btw, keeping track ofdays isn't that confusing. it's something you think about every day so every day you know to just add one more. but idk, maybe when you get up in the thousands it's harder.

today Dacota asked me how many days sober i was at. 315. he pointed out that 315 is just 50 short of a year.
in 50 days i will have been sober for a solid year. oh my god.

i wonder if i'll ever stop counting days. there is a guy at the meetings sometimes who, last i remember hearing about it, said he had 9125 days. that's like, 25 years.
but there's also a woman who counts years. i guess it just depends.
i cant wait to have 9125 days :]

i'm sleeping alone tonight. we're making an effort to not spend every second together. i havent decided how i feel about it yet, but so far so good.