so i didn't see Audrey and the baby yesterday. meh, oh well. i still can't really tell if i'm getting sick or not but i didn't want to risk it.
i do feel a little better today, though. i'm less congested. i promised Dacota that if it does get worse i'll go to a doctor. so fuck thaaat i really hope it goes away. idk he just worries about me but i really don't think it's anything to worry about. i get sick easier because of my heart thing but that doesn't mean it's going to affect it.
he's also pushing me to quit smoking completely because he's decided thats not good for my heart either which is probably true but i dont really know. i could do it though, if i really wanted to. i'm only at like one a day right now. maybe tomorrow i'll try to skip it.

i just realized that i'm moving in with Dacota in three weeks. holyyyy shit thats so soon but its still not soon enough. im so excited :]

nothing has really been going on. Audrey is babysitting her niece tomorrow and i'm supposed to hang out with them because i love babies but i'm think i'm getting sick AGAIN so i dont know if i will. but idk i guess its good because i always get depressed after i'm around little kids.

this is so irritating though. i feel like i'm still getting over the last time i was sick and Dacota is kind of being annpying about it. i had this heart thing a long time ago and its better and nothing to worry about anymore but it makes me really prone to getting sick and when i do catch something it has a tendency to be a lot worse than it would be normally. and since i was just sick Dacota has decided that i need to go to a doctor but i do nooooot want to.

but uhhhhh yeah thats it

ive been emailing this girl Katie that i used to be really good friends with before i moved. i went to high school with her and she was catching me up on what everyone i used to know has been up to in the past couple years.
nostalgia is always a bad idea for me. i'm depressed. she told me that she ran into someone we went to school with and he asked what happened to me and when Katie told him i moved to LA he was surprised because he thought i was dead. she aske him why and he said he just figured i would have overdosed by now.
ouch.
i hate that that's how i'm remembered, apparently by everyone. i hate that i'm that person.

last night i had a dream that i was pregnant. with twins.
uhhh, yeah. it was fucking weird.
and the whole time i was really concerned about how i would go about giving birth but i kept reminding myself that there was that one dude that was pregnant except he still had lady parts so it was obviously nottttt the same but i guess that didnt matter in my dream.
anyway. i woke up really confused, to say the least, and kind of depressed. and then i was late to work because i smoked in the morning and i got really sick after. like all clamy and shaky and my head hurt and i thought i was going to throw up. so i had to like drink a bunch of water and lay down and wait for my vision to get back to normal cause i wasnt about to drive like that.

in short, it hasnt been the best day.

uhhhhh so.
things with Dacota are pretty much fine. we're still talking about some shit but we're mostly back to normal. as normal as we ever are, ha.
i feel a lot better. the past month and a half or whatever were really fucking shitty because of that mess and this sounds so fucking ridiculous and dramatic but for a while i was pretty convinced that i was going to die. yeah.
but, i dont know. i guess that just shows me that i still have a lot of work to do. i'm still incredibly dependent on Dacota to the point that i literally thought i would die without him. and i hate admiting this but my thought process about that was so fucked up. i just figured that if he left me i would end up killing myself eventually. and i dont know. maybe i would have, i dont know. and i'm glad that i dont have to find out but that's not ok and i guess it just tells me that no matter how much better i might think i am that i cant stop working on it. as soon as things arent good anymore i get crazy again.

but yeah things are better. lots better. except for the fact that we havent had sex in about two months but that's a story for another day cause i need to sleep