TheSunIsGone , 27

mehhhhhh shmeh. been in a weird mood lately. it's busy season at work which means i get there super early and leave ridiculously late and I even get to come in on Saturdays sometimes! SO FUN >:(
at least I'm not doing any real work, though. I feel so bad for Dacota. He's actually legitimately busy. I am too, but I'm just answering phones and taking messages and sending faxes.
And of course, my body has once again picked a perfect time to refuse to sleep. so. fucking. annoying. it's just these fucking dreams that keep me up. they're so vivid that half the time i think theyre real and i'm not sure if i'm actully awake when i wake up. so i guess I kind of keep myself up to avoid them and it's justreally frustrating because theres not much i can do about it.
It's getting better though. i was getting pretty crazy earlier today but i was able to take a nap and felt alright after that. but  I called that guy Michael and spent some time with him and the dogs and was complaining about how tired and stressed out and crazy i am and he more or less offered me drugs to help with it. I had a bit of a freak out over thatand got pretty upset because i was thinking I couldn't be friends with him anymore. It scares me that all I had to do was say yes and he could pretty much get me anything I could have asked for. I don't really worry about myself doing drugs anymore because even if I wanted to chances are I wouldn't be able to find them but now I have a resource. I said no, obviously. it wasn't feeling bad enough to take him up on that offer and I usually don't anymore but it just scares me that if it ever does get really bad then that's all I have to do. But I really like Michael. He's so nice and i like hanging out with him. So I think I'm just going to suck it up and tell him what's up with me. Not everything, of course. I think I'll just tell him that I've got my fair share of addiction issues and to not offer me anything ever. And if I ever do get crazy again and end up begging him for something to just tell me no. I really don't see that happening ever again because things are pretty good and I'm expecting them to stay good but I've just got to cover my ass and let him know where I stand, I guess.
but yeah... don't worry about that. i hope i don't come off as sounding like I'm thinking about getting fucked up because i am NOT. not at all ever ever again. i'm just tired.

moving on.

i was talking to my sister the other day. she wants me to come up next weekend for Easter. that is not about to happen, but i kind of wish i could go. Easter is a big deal for us latina princesses, you know. but I really have to be at work that Saturday and i would probably have to take monday off too. and i'm not about to drive 7 hours for that. not feeling up to it, but thanks. i definitely appreciated that invitation and i do want to try and go up there this summer, maybe if I can make it work.
we were also talking a little bit about what the fuck i'm doing with my life these days and she said that one of her friends went to culinary school after high school. she said they have some that are only like 6 - 8 month programs and they help you find a job when you finish. i dont know, that might be kind of cool but i dont really think i could do it. i'm so weird about food still. i'm definitely a thousand times better about it but i dont know if i could handle being around foor aaaaall the time. it's only slightly more likely than me getting a job as a bartender but still i guess it's something to think about?
but for real, I need to get on my shit. i'm 26... time to figure out what i'm going to do with myself for the next how ever many years.
but honestly lately ive been having these sickeningly suburban fantasies of getting married and living in a cute little house and adopting a couple little babies. and i could just stay home and take care of them while Dacota is at work and when he comes home the house would be clean and i would have dinner waiting for him. i just want to be a house wife, haha!

ohhh my god this is such a gigantic pointless ramble.im so fucking tired i barely even know what i'm talking about. but i'm hoping to fall asleep soon and if i'm lucky i'll be able to sleep in tomorrow. Dacota and i are having his parents over for dinner for the first time since i moved in so it's kind of a big deal and i need to gear up for that and try my best not to be sleepy and grumpy through it.

Gina, i forgot to tell you this when we talked earlier but I made a friend! haha
I've been taking Perla to the dog park near my house for the past few weeks and this guy has been there at the same time as me quite a few times. i don't know why the only place I ever meet people is at dog parks, oh well. but i usually talk to him when i see him and he's really nice and our dogs like each other. his name is Michael, which is kind of weird but not really because seriously everyone is named Michael.
i'm a little apprehensive about him though because i think he does a lot of drugs. not like regularly or anything. he's never been on anything when iv'e seen him. i think he does shit at parties and stuff. but i dont know. he's mentioned it a couple times but i dont really know. and i think he's kind of fucked up like i am. i think he's got some daddy issues and i dont know. i want to help, i guess. i didn't tell him anything about my shit but he talked about his dad a little bit before and i think his dad was kind of abusive when he was a kid but they're ok now but i think he's kind of fucked up from it. i think i could help him. but i dont know. i'll just have to be careful.
but he's just really like, open about stuff and really friendly and likes talking. he told me yesterday about how his cat died the day before and he told me that he cried and wants to have some kind of memorial thing.
but anyway, he gave me his number and told me that he lives near by and to call him when i bring Perla to the park next. when he gave me his number he made sure to tell me that he isn't gay so i told him that's fine with me because my boyfriend and i just had our 2 year anniverrsary, haha.
i'm excited! i barely ever see Audrey anymore so it'll be nice to have someone else to hang out with. It'll be weird hanging out with a straight guy, but whatever. I've had straight male friends before just not in a while. I'll get used to it.

hahah i'm so creepy. i just wrote an entire entry about some random guy i met and barely know. oh well.

I'm not sure what made me think of that the other day. i guess I just think about shit for no reason. i was alone for most of the weekend and usually that means i'm thinking about a lot of shit, so i guess that's why.
but, i dont know. this is kind of freaking me out. i just feel terrible for what i put the people who cared about me through only to realize that it was for nothing.
and i hate to admit that it was for attention, but i guess it was. not in the sense of like 14 year olds who cut themselves and show it off to everyone because they think it's bad ass. i just wanted someone to realize how fucked up i was and help me.
i dont know. none of this really matters anymore. all of it is in the past. i just feel weird about it.

Today i realized that i never actually wanted to die.
this is really strange for me

yesterday was mine and Dacota's two yearssss :]
we were both pretty tired cause it was a monday and work has been really busy so we just made dinner at home. it was really nice and adorable and i'm so happy, haha. i just love him so much. things have been so great lately. for once i'm finally not worried about us. i dont feel like i need to leave and i know he doesn't either.
i swear i'm ready to be with this boy forever. we've been through so much together already and if we can handle all of that then i know this will work.
i mentioned a while ago that we were thinking about taking a trip somewhere to get married this summer but i dont think thats going to happen. spring is just kind of sneaking up so quickly and there isnt enough time to figure it out. and i hate to admit it, but i want it to be a big deal. i want my sister to be there and I want Dacota's family to be there and i dont want it to be in some court house.

but this is also making me realize that i need to get the rest of my life together. i'm thinking about getting married and i'll be 30 in just a few years and i still don't really know what i'm going to do with my life. i do NOT want to answer phones for ever. i'll be so disappointed in myself if that's what i end up doing for the rest of my life. i need to get on this shit.

in other news... One of my friends that i've met over the past few months is a tattoo artist. she told me that she'll do any tattoo i want for free. for FREE! This is nuts. i'm either going to finish my sleeve of possibly get something on my chest. i don't know yet. time to start planning.