TheSunIsGone , 27

sooo I'm 26 now? not sure how i feel about it yet, but whatever. I'm not going to worry about it i guess.
Dacota and i had a really nice weekend though. we have a friend who lives in Malibu so we went and stayed with her for friday and saturday night and just hung out, mostly. There's not really anything to do there but it's away from the city, which is nice. and she has two dogs so i brought Perla so they could play together. we went into venice and santa monica on Saturday for a couple hours but we didnt really do anything. just wandered around i guess.

i havent really been up to anything else. Just trying to hang in there, i guess. things are going really well though. Dacota and I are great and im really happy with everything. i still have a bunch of shit i want to get accomplished in the next few years but i'm working on it and i can't rush it so i'm not going to worry too much.

so yeah. that's what has been going on, I guess. Nothing too exciting but that's probably a good thing.

Dacota and I are seriously discussing the idea of taking a vacation to Massachusettes, Connecticut, or Vermot this summer.
i don't really know what to thing about this. i mean obviously we've got like six months to decide for sure but shit. i guess he was really was serious when he said he wanted to marry me.
and idk. it wouldnt even really matter because we would go and do it and then come back here and it woudn't even mean anything here. at least not legally but it would mean something to us.
i don't know. i'm going to be 26 in a couple months and in just a little bit longer Dacota and i will have been together for a solid two years plus all the time we were on and off before that and things have been so good lately. living with him is better than i ever could have hoped and I don't know. I feel really good about everything now and i think i might be ready.

so i wasn't going to use kiwi anymore but idk all i ever really used it for was journals and those are still here. a little different, but it's still somewhere for me to complain so whatever.

i'm pretty sure not that i am going to go to my sister's for thanksgiving. obviously i have to decide for sure very soon because i would have to leave today. i don't know though. i want to go but i'm still apprehensive about it. i just don't want me being there to disrupt anything or cause any weirdness. and it would be weird. i dont see how it could not be. i mean, i disappeared for years and no one really knew where i was and i'm sure i was discussed at least a little bit considering that my family is really close. and also because of the fact that most of them are pretty religous and conservative and i'm "out" and shit now and it's a lot more obvious that i'm gay than it probably was when most of them last saw me. i just want to stay out of everyone's way, i guess. i don't wantto cause any more problems for anyone. and i dont want to make the rift in my family any bigger than it is already. my dad isn't invited because of me. i mean, i know it's not my fault and it was my sister's decision and it's his fault because of what he did but it is because of me. i didn't have to tell my sister about everything and if i didn't she wouldn't have been able to tell anyone else and they would all still be happy and normal. i feel like it's a lot easier to have one of the kids in the family be fucked up then it is for the parent to be. but i don't know i just want them to like me. i miss having a family so much especially since i grew up with so much emphasis put on the importance of family and i try to ignore it and not think about it but every time i'm with Dacota's family on holidays and shit it's so hard not to. they treat me like i'm family now and i'm comfortable with them but i always miss my own and other than my sister i haven't seen or spoken to anyone in so long. and i'm so nervous to see my brother. oh my godddd that scares me more than anything. i dont know if he still does, but he hated me so much. my sister told me once that she had talked to him about me and he said that he really looked up to me when we were kids because i'm his older brother and everything and it was really hard for him when i started fucking shit up when i was in high school but then i got it together for a while and that was good but it just made it even harder when i did it again. and he was so mad when i was supposed to help him move to college but i couldn't because i was in rehab and i didn't want him to know so i just didn't show up. he was so fucking mad at me. and it really hurts me that i have no idea what's going on in his life. well, i do because my sister tells me but i can't talk to him. he's almost done with college and he's trying to get into medical school right now and i'm so fucking proud of him and just blown away by how amazing that is and how well he's doing and i just want to tell him that but i can't because he hates me.

but maybe i'll go back and everything will be fine like it was when i saw my sister for the first time in a while. she didn't care about all the fucked up things i did and she was just happy to see me. maybe everyone else would be like that too. like some prodigal son shit or something.

i dont know though. Dacota's not sure if he wants to go with me yet. he said he would because he knows it's important to me and he does like being with his family but he sees them a lot and he knows this is a rare occasion for me. but we would have to drive and he's not sure if he's up for that especially on such little notice and also because we don't know how much traffic and shit there would be since it's so close to thanksgiving. but if he doesn't go with me i probably won't go. mostly just because i hate doing that drive by myself. it would be nice to have him there just for moral support as well but i know i could handle it without him if i really wanted to.

i dont know. i think if Dacota is down to go then i'll definitely go but otherwise i'm not going to.

bleh.

fuck shit