TheSunIsGone , 27

uhhhhh so.
things with Dacota are pretty much fine. we're still talking about some shit but we're mostly back to normal. as normal as we ever are, ha.
i feel a lot better. the past month and a half or whatever were really fucking shitty because of that mess and this sounds so fucking ridiculous and dramatic but for a while i was pretty convinced that i was going to die. yeah.
but, i dont know. i guess that just shows me that i still have a lot of work to do. i'm still incredibly dependent on Dacota to the point that i literally thought i would die without him. and i hate admiting this but my thought process about that was so fucked up. i just figured that if he left me i would end up killing myself eventually. and i dont know. maybe i would have, i dont know. and i'm glad that i dont have to find out but that's not ok and i guess it just tells me that no matter how much better i might think i am that i cant stop working on it. as soon as things arent good anymore i get crazy again.

but yeah things are better. lots better. except for the fact that we havent had sex in about two months but that's a story for another day cause i need to sleep

Audrey's sister is having a baby in three weeks.

it just sucks because i know i'll never get to be a parent. no adoption agency or whatever would ever give me a baby considering my lovely medical history and mental stability.

i'm depressed.

why can i never remember that large amounts of sugar are never a good idea for me, especially at night? i alwys get really fucking depressed afterwards, which is where i am right now. im really lonely and im scared about everything. i keep hoping every part of my life is going to be better that the last but what if its not? i have such high expectations for living with Dacota in that little house but what if its still exactly the same and i'm always just waiting for it to get better? what if i still feel this suffocating lonelyness on friday nights even when im not alone? i just want how i feel to reflect what's going on in my life. if things are good i want to be happy, like really actually happy instaed of this weird hapiness ghost that i get now. ejghejrh i dont know im just sick of feeling empty.

i feel very alone today

i've been really sick for the past couple days. i've felt myself getting a cold for i guess a while but i woke up thursday and just felt like complete shit. so that made the 17th even more fun. ugh. today isn't as bad. i slept for 11 hours last night because the night before i slept like shit and woke up six times. so last night i passed out around 10:30. but i'm feeling better now. i'm still sick but my throat doesnt hurt and my headache is gone.

Dacota dragged me out to see Jennifer's Body last night, despite me being sick. i have no idea why he wanted to see it so bad. i made him pay for me because i was not about to spend 11 bucks on Megan Fox. no fucking way. and it was every bit as retarded as i thought it was going to be. but i get scared really easily. i hate scary movies, even awful Megan Fox ones. i just hate it when the music is all slow and creepy and then it stops and its completely silent and then something jumps out. i fucking hate that so much. but idk Dacota and i havent gone out in a while so it was nice to have a date with him. i missed it.