TheSunIsGone , 27

september 17th already. fuck this day.
i miss my mom so much. how has it been four fucking years?

plus i picked today to quit smoking. i know i'm constantly smoking and then trying to quit and then not trying and then not smoking and then smoking again. but the past couple months that i've been in this shitty situation with Dacota i've been smoking pretty regularly and i get addicted really fast. like i'll start again and within a day i'm completely hooked. it's awful, but it's expected.
anyway, i finished my last pack yesterday afternoon. i usually have two at night, one after dinner and one before bed and i didn't have either and now i am not fucking pleased. oh my god. my head is killing me and i'm so fucking irritable and this was just not a good day to pick to quit. i dont know what i was thinking.

i'm going to be the biggest asshole in the world today at work. fuck. not looking forward to that. i really just want to stay home but i cant. i say that every single year on this day and after Dacota made me go to work last year i know i can but it's going to be such a bad fucking day.

Fuuuuck. SUCH A BAD MOOD.
i'm going to take some fucking advil and try to sleep before my head explodes or i kill someone.

yesterday with Dacota went pretty well, i guess. idk. he doesnt really like going to therapy with me but i could tell he was trying really hard and that means so much to me. i dont know i dont really feel like getting into it right now. im not in the best mood i guess. i've been thinking about my mom a lot tonight. it's almost been four years since she died. in a couple days. i miss her a lot. i dont know. i could really use her advice right now and i still really regret the way i was when she died. i fucking hate that i was on drugs when it happened and i hate that thats how she saw me last. i wish she could see how i am now. its not perfect by any means but idk, its better. at least i'm sober even if that is all i have to show for myself.
i might call Dacota soon and see if i can sleep over there. i dont really feel like being alone tonight. i miss when i got to spendevery night with him. i hope i get that back soon. but idk. im still planning on moving in with him in november. we havent really talked about it lately but he hasnt said that its not happening. im just nervous that this awkward tense phase of our relationship wont be over by then. i think it will though. its gotten a lot better in the past few days. i think it will go away soon. at least im hoping.

um, in other news, ive been working on the design for my tattoo. i think instead of just the sugar skull i'm going to do full skeletons. still keeping with the dia de los muertos thing. that part is really important to me. and i'm thinking about having like a banner under it saying something about my mom. maybe just her name, idk im not sure yet. i want to get it soon though. i might try to talk to someone about it this weekend or something and at least find out if i can actually afford to do this right now because it's probably going to be really expensive.

alright. calling Dacota and then going to bed, hopefully not alone =/

Dacota is coming with me to therapy today. he kissed me told me all day yesterday that he loves me still. he said he doesnt want to leave. i really need him to not leave.

so. ugh. i dont know whats going on.
Dacota has always always always told me that he doesn't care how long it takes me to get better and that he would stay with me through this no matter what. all of a sudden he's not so sure about that anymore. i dont know. i had a really hard time adjusting to the hgiher dosage that i started taking a while ago and it made me get really fucking weird for a while and he was patient and fine with it for a while like always and all of a sudden he cant handle it? i dont fucking know. i dont know what i did wrong or why he's freaking out. especialy after all the times ive thought about breaking up with him for his sake and he's convinced me not to and swore that he didnt want me to. i dont know i dont know. fuck.
and i dont know what the fuck ill do if this actually happens. i dont know how ill do this without him. i just love him so much and i know ll never feel like this about anyone ever again. i dont even want to. i dont know. i dont know i just want everything to be good and normal and i just want him to be happy

im freaking out. fully and completely. things are so fucking weird and tense right now. i feel like Dacota and i barely even see each other any more outside of work. most of the time i'm alone. i dont know. i mean i still see him a lot, we still at least eat together every night but things are just so weird. im so sick of trying to figure out whats going on and waiting for something to happen. but at the same time im terrified for anything to happen and i would take this awkward mess we have right now over not having him at all. i just love him so much and i cant handle this being over. i just cant do it. and, i dont know, i dont want anyone else and i know i never will. i'll never love anyone like i love him and if i was ever with someone else it would just be a lie. fuck i dont even want to think about that. it makes me fucking sick to my stomach to think of not being with Dacota and its so fucking scary because i dont know what i would even do. my whole fucking life revolves around him right now and i feel like i can barely remember anything before i met him. but fuck. i dont know. i dont know how to do this without him. everything ive done and every improvement ive made on myself over the past few years have been because of Dacota. i did all of it just as much for myself as for Dacota and without him there with me i probably wouldnt hav ebeen able to get through and of it at all. so, i dont know. i dont know what would happen to me without him. im a mess just thinking about it and knowing that things arent going well. i cant even imagine what would happen if it was really over. and its just so fucking stupid because he fucking loves me. i know he does and he knows he does too. idk. i just dont understand whats going on. he always told me he would wait for me as long as i needed him too and i never believed him and then as soon as i start believing him he gets all freaked out and tells me he doesnt know if he can do this for the rest of his life. and it just makes me feel so bad. i have such a hardtime believing in myself and that i'm going to get through this but knowing that he had faith in me always helped. and now if he doesnt even think i'm going to get through this then how the fuck am i supposed to get through it? i dont know. i just really need him.
but, i dont know. im freaking out about this but then at the same time i know its going to work out. even if it doesnt work out right now i know it will eventually. if we do break up i know we'll get back together even if it takes a while. but even if i know we'll always end up together the idea of being without him for any amount of time terrifies me. even just for a few months or even weeks. thats so awful and scary to me and i guess even if i know itll happen i dont know if ill make it through the time in between.