It's not like I'm even really looking for a relationship.
But I can't say I'd mind it.
I mean, I find these guys that I'm so attracted to, that actually have good personalities and actually seem like good people, and then somehow, they're attached to someone else in some way, that's not enough to make them exclusive, but just a bit too much for them to be involved with anyone else.

Fuck.
Like really.
I just need to stop. Stop doing whatever it is that I do that makes me attract unavailable guys.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
I'm that girl that guys absolutely love to be friends with. But that's it.
And it's fucking unfair.
I just for once want someone to understand me better than that.

I don't lay in your fucking bed because I want to be your best friend.
Like fuck that.
Is that what you think?
I just don't get it. And I'm sick of being that girl.
And of being that girl that's attached to guys that would never be attached to her. I'm always that girl.



I miss my car. And being able to ride in my car and fucking scream. And just scream, and scream.
I just want to scream and cry and cry and scream until my voice is hoarse and I don't have to cry or scream anymore.
Because I just don't want to be me anymore.

Ew fuckshitbitchdamnfuckewfuckfuckfuckgrossfuck.

I thought I was done making huge mistakes when it comes to guys. OMFG. Why can't I just find a nice normal fucking guy who's not a fucking creeper and who doesn't fucking creep creep creep like a fucking pro. Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? I always get stuck with weird ass guys.
Ew fuck shit bitch fuck damn.

So there's this girl. And her name is FUCKING Hillary. And OH MY FUCKING GOD. The sound of her voice and laughter and the FUCKING ANIMAL FUCKING NOISES that she FUCKING makes honestly make me want to cry and sob and cry and sob and scream and cry and cry. I've never been so annoyed, angered, fucking fucking fucked by someone's voice.
Not to mention she's a huge fucking bitch.
I mean, I have no claim over him, at all, but she ASKED ME straight up if there was something going on and I told her STRAIGHT FUCKING UP that there was something going on and she had her own fucking whatever fucking fuck problems with another guy.
And the next FUCKING day she's having him give her fucking MASSAGES.
Like FUCK YOU you stupid CUNT.



And it wouldn't even be that big of a FUCKING deal. Because I really do have no claim over him and he really doesn't want a relationship. But FUCK YOU. BOTH OF YOU.

It's shit like this that fucks me up. That makes me close myself off and not be able to open up to people. Because when I do open up I get screw the FUCK over by people like this fucking CUNT of a fucking MANWHORE that I thought I could actually talk to.
And I really don't have anyone right now that cares.
SO FUCK YOU.


And it's just one of those fucking days.
I wish that I could have avoided this all together.
I don't know how I get myself in these fucking situations.
I pick the wrong fucking ones all the time.
I'm going to become asexual.
Like honestly.
Because there's absolutely no point in me even looking at fucking guys who are fucking cunts.

I love it here at Amherst.
It's absolutely the most amazing place I could be right now. And I don't regret my decision to come here in the least.
I'm not homesick at all, except a little when I think of my dog.
I love the people, and the experiences. Everyone is just great and it's eye-opening, to say the least.
However, there is one downfall that I wasn't expecting to come quite to soon.
And I also think that as soon as it came up, it may pass me by, no matter how much I wish that it wouldn't.
I met a guy.
How?, you ask, in just under a week.
That's the only question I've been asking myself, besides Why?.
A freaking week and I'm already falling for a boy and it isn't fair. Because I'm so absolutely incompetent when it comes to boys feelings.
He told me everything I want to know, and we had one great night, but he told me it had to be the last, because he can't afford to have a relationship get in the way of this last chance that he has at succeeding. Which I can understand.
But then the signals get a little mixed.
Should I still go to his room and sit and talk with him for hours?
Should I go to meals with him and the gym?
I don't know where the line is drawn, or if there even is a line at this point.
I wish that things could be a bit simpler, and I could just have a straight up answer to what's okay and what isn't at this point.
Honestly, I'd be totally okay if we just laid in bed for hours upon hours and talked about everything. Because I feel like I could.
And really, I feel like maybe I'm shutting down a little, and I don't know how to combat that.
I don't know what to do to stop myself from shutting back up and not letting the world in, because the first guy that I let in in years doesn't or can't or won't be in a relationship.
I'm just not certain what to do.
I want to scream a little.
I want to hate him, but at the same time I want to hangout with him and be with him and just hear what he has to say.
I'm just not sure.

I'm eighteen years old.
EIGHTEEN.
Not twelve.
I get laughed at for having an 11:30 curfew. Literally laughed at.
I've always been a good kid. I just really really really can't understand this.
I'm leaving for college in two freaking weeks. And what am I doing on my summer night, the only fucking night of the summer that my best friend is in town?
I'm home by 11, not hanging out with her until the wee hours of the morning.
I mean, fuck.
I hear the stories about my mom living at a campsite with her best friend for a freaking summer with no parents, making sure only that there was beer for the week, and not worrying about food so much, and I can't spend the night at my best friends boyfriends house? I mean, it's her fucking boyfriend. It's not even like a boy, he counts as like neutral-gendered for God's sake.
It shouldn't matter. At all. I should be allowed to see my fucking best friend on the one night she's in town for as long as I want because I have NO IDEA when I could possibly see her again.
It might be fucking 5 months from now.
Do you know how long 5 months is?
Longer then you could ever imagine when the only person in the whole world who understands anything real is the only person you can't see.
Trust me.
It's all a little ridiculous.
When I go to college I'm staying out until forever and never going to sleep and doing whatever I want.
So there.
But not really.
Because I've always been more responsible than that.
Which is why I'm going to one of the top colleges in the entire world. Thanks.
It's just unbelievable. End of story.

It's just the kind of thing that makes you say, "Really?" and tilt your head to the side a little.
If you knew me, you'd understand that this isn't fair.

I'm pretty sure that life is just a little ridiculous.
Of course 33 days before I'm leaving for college (1300 miles away) I would meet one of the most genuine boys I've met in a really long time.
I had an actual good time with him doing nothing but having sober fun with him and one of my bff's.
I don't quite understand how these things work.
And don't tell me it's a higher power bs omg don't wanna hear it.
Because that doesn't make any of it any easier for me. Sorry.
I would much enjoy if I could meet nice boys more often. Really.