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UrbanDecay13

UrbanDecay13 , 20

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"The tragedy would be to lie in bed at night wondering what if."

  • 05/16/11 12:46 am

I don't even know what I came on here to say.
I guess I'm doing fine, and maybe it's enough for me to say that now.

 

I won't lie, it's been a really rough year. A really rough year. And my life is not the same. As much as I hate to recognize and admit it, there really is a before and an after. My life was much different before I met Jonathan, before he broke me. But I'm doing okay. And I think maybe that's the best thing that could be.

 

I have an amazing seven months stretching out ahead of me. I feel like if I met a guy that I really liked I might be able to open up to him. We will see what Yellowstone National Park and Italy bring. Honestly, right now I'd be happy for a friend with benefits. I'm a relationship person, but I'm not any good at picking relationship boys, so really I just want to have fun and let things work themselves out.

So I guess that's all. And, well, I'm okay with that. 

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We often meet our fate on the road we take to avoid it.

  • 02/20/11 6:05 am

I know that most of my recent(ish) posts have been about Jonathan. The boy I hate.

 

And honestly at this point in my life I wish I had some other tragic event to write about. Because I'm sick and fucking tired of crying about how much I hate Jonathan and how much I hate every fuching thing he did.

 

But unfortuately I'm still just as upset as I have been for what seems like ever. Because I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life. But that's only because I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life.

Chuck Palahniuk knows, there's such a thin line between love and hate.
It's easy to quickly switch from one emotion to the other. I really did love Jonathan. But now all I can do is hate him. And myself for caring at all. Sometimes I still think about where he is. Or if he's thinking about me. (I know he's not.)

 

I just wish I could be less upset about the whole situation. I shouldn't care. And I don't want to care. But it's not as easy as just hoping I won'[t care. You can't actively not care about something. Because if you actively don't care, than you're still thinking about the subject, and, in turn, caring about it. I don't know how to make this pain in my heart go away, or how to be truly happy again.
I know that stopping drinking is probably in the cure. But if I don't drink then I have very little business at Amherst College.

I just don't know what to do or how to do it or why or when or fuckkkkkakjsfdkljewoirftnmakfjklsdjflew.
I want to stop crying. That's really all.


And the hope that I never see your face again is anything but questionable.

  • 12/29/10 5:01 am

A year ago, I was upset with my life.
I was attending the college that I love, having the time of my life, making new friends, hooking up with whatever guys I wanted, partying every weekend; living a life I should have been enjoying. And the only thing I could write about my life was that I was upset.

 

I wish, for the love of God, that I could go back to that day and slap myself in the face. If I could only go back to that day, and make myself see how great I had it.

 

A year and three days ago, just 11 days after my post saying that I was upset with 2009, I met a boy and fell in love. And proceeded to break my heart. And I just let him do it. Because it's what I do.
On New Years Eve 2009, I met Jonathan and I fell in love with him in my drunken state. He could have sat there like a statue and I would have fallen in love with him. I already had preconceived ideas about him, a mystique that would have led me to his side even if he hadn't opened his mouth that night. For the first time in my life I was ready and accepting of someone else's affection. I was confident in my own skin and I was on top of the world. And I let a man (a boy) tear me down from that mental and emotional high that I was on. He tore me apart and tore me down and I let him.

 

I can't blame this all on him, I really can't.
I know how I get hurt, and most times I let the things happen that hurt me most. 

 

And now, I want to be different. I haven't been confident in my own skin for months. I never think I look beautiful and I'm more insecure now than I have ever been. And I just don't want this to be me anymore.
I wish I could shout to the world that I'm not going to be upset anymore and I'm not going to come home early from parties and cry in my room alone and I'm not going to look for his car on the road when I'm driving around Port Saint Lucie, or feel a twinge in my heart when I pass by a place we visited together. I'm not going to be upset about little things. I'm going to love myself and I'm going to find something meaningful to do.

I don't want this to be a New Years resolution. I just don't want to see him while I'm home, and I want to live my life like he never existed.

 

At the dentist yesterday I realized that I love the idea that he represented in my life: my first love, and the way it feels to have someone respect you and truly listen to what you have to say, and truly enjoy being with you and touching you and understanding you. Nothing will ever replace what he has represented in my life, but I have to let it go, and know that someone else will love me for who I am, if I just give them the chance. Hiding who I truly am isn't going to help anything.

 

So right now I'm making myself the promise that I'm going to try. I'm going to try to love myself. I'm going to try to not be upset. I'm going to give myself permission to have a good cry when I need it, and to just let it be otherwise. I'm going to unfriend Jonathan on facebook, even though I know he won't notice, because I don't care if he notices. I'm going to stop trying to find out where he is and what he's doing. I'm going to try to be more confident and find the beauty in each and every day. I'm going to try to stop looking for the answers outside of myself, and stop pretending that I'm going to find what I'm looking for next week, or next month, or in Italy next fall, or after I graduate. I'm going to try to live in the moment, stop making plans, stop worrying about what-ifs and what-abouts and how-comes. I'm going to try to be happy. I'm going to open myself up to the possibility of being with or dating or loving another man. 

I'm going to be happy. And no one is going to stop me.

 

No one's happiness but my own is in my power to achieve or destroy.

 

 

 

"I just need to not run to the first guy who pays me a little bit of attention. Because that's what I did. Twice. And that's what fucked me over both times."
----Ahhhhhhahahahhahahhahahahha. My life is a fucking joke. That quote above is what I wrote in my post at the end of last year on how I should change my life for the better in 2010. What a fucking joke. Had I just listened to my own fucking advice I'd be free and clear right now. 


Happy Thanksgiving?

  • 11/24/10 5:54 am

It's Thanksgiving break 2010 and I'm in East Windsor, New Jersey, with my family.
I told my parents I wanted to come to New Jersey because none of my friends would be home for Thanksgiving, so we may as well visit our family in New Jersey. I really have been looking forward to Thanksgiving with my extended family in New Jersey, but the real reason that I couldn't go home was because it has been almost four months to the day since I last talked to a boy I feel in love with just under a year ago, who broke my heart. I effectively tore my family apart on Thanksgiving, and denied my dad seeing me for another month, because I'm a coward.
I gave up going to the beach and relaxing, two things I need more than anything right now, because I can't face the man I've loved for 11 months.

How fucked up am I?

 

Then, tonight I'm being the fucking stalker that I am and looking at his Facebook, only to find out that he's in New York City, where I am spending most of Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

I almost feel a little bit betrayed.
It's like we had this unspoken agreement. He could have Pittsburgh, even all of Florida, and I would get Massachusetts, NJ and New York. He could honestly have anywhere. But New York? He comes to New York City. Of all places. I want to vomit.

I should be over this guy. He's not right for me. He tricked and lied and cheated and made me feel worse than I ever have.
But you love who you love. And I don't want to be with him. I don't even want to see him or think about him or hear from him or dream about him. But he still seems to be the only guy that comes to mind.
I wish I were stronger.

I'm just not as strong as anyone things I am, or as anyone needs me to be, or as I need me to be, and it kills me inside a little bit. 

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The truth's always worth hearing.

  • 11/14/10 6:06 am

You're at Amherst fucking College.
in 2010.
You're going to be just, fucking, fine.
I'm talking to myself, but I need this.
Sometime, someday, you're going to appreciate this. Your life.
I promise.

 

 

I promise you will not always care about him.
And someday, you'll be beautiful and strong without him.
I PROMISE.

You're going to be okay.
Embrace it.
Love yourself no matter what may come.
I promise you'll make it out alive. 

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