UrbanDecay13 , 20

I hate how I can have such a great day and feel so great about myself.
I feel like I could do anything if given the chance.
I feel like if I met a cute new boy right now I would be confident enough in myself and my beauty that I could talk to him and flirt with him and even convince him to be confident in myself and my beauty.

But I know that, come tomorrow, I will feel like shit once again.
School is the ultimate way to kill your self-esteem.
I go and see all these stupid people that I compare myself to and then I am right back where I started yesterday, hating life and the way I look and the clothes I wear.
I don't even know what to do.
It's just so stupid.

I can't even explain it.
I think it's more the fact that in 9th and 10th grade I fucking lacked confidence like you wouldn't believe.
And so that's the person my friends know.
They know the bitch that covers up her insecurities by being sarcastic. And why disappoint them now. I always say that I'm going to change. And I'm saying it again right now in my head. But I know it's a lie.
I won't change until I move away from here and these people who already know what to expect from me on any given day.
I have to get away.

I can't wait to get out of here and start over.

To say the least this past year was unique:

Marissa ditched me for four months, which kind of ruined my life a little bit. But of course we're friends again. I can hardly live without her.
Brandon Tabor was Brandon Tabor. He played me soooo good. But I kind of still want him back. Hah. Upside: He gives great hugs. Downside: He's going in the army in a year.
Me and Vincent are weird. I can't even describe our relationship.
Emily is amazing. I love her to death and I'm so sorry for everything that she's going through. We've become such great friends.
Ms. Julie is the best. She's like a second mom and I'm sorry for everything she is going through.
Heather is great, but I wish I knew what happened.
Savanna is a bitch, in her own little ways. She looks down upon everyone and I wish everyone else would see she isn't the person she pretends to be.
Jillian and Xtal are Jillian and Xtal. They are cool but just in a "highschool never see you again kind of way."
Kevin is cool. Confusing. I hate boys?
Amber and Russell are also confusing. Me and Amber are sort of okay now, but who knows how long that will last.


I hate school. It's only getting worse.
Softball is kind of great. It was an interesting year on that end.
I just met La. She's so chill.
I'm looking at colleges, trying to find the right one. It's all so hard.



I'm just trying to find my place in life. It's all confusing but as long as I can keep Emily and Marissa by my side for now, I'll be fine.

"We were living for the minute we were spinning in. Maybe we were a lot of things, but we weren't crazy."


I think I really just need therapy.
The kind that includes alcohol (lots) and a good session of laughing and just being with my best friend.
The kind that I can't have.



I'm such an idiot.