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We often meet our fate on the road we take to avoid it.
Nickle9 14
wow i am goin thro the same thing except i don dri… -
And the hope that I never see your face again is anything but questio…
Slmys520 27
good luck in 2011,brave girl!there is an absolutely … -
I just don't know.
Jennnnnnn_xo 24
im going through the same bullshit. & it fucking s… -
I just don't know.
Karo_xxo 21
hey , I know exactly how you feel ! When I'm si… -
Home is where you make it love don't get yourself confused.
Essencexofxtear 23
I left and came back.. Kiwi is so shitty now.. Like…
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UrbanDecay13 , 21fromCommentsShow all Subscriptions (1)Statistics
yeahyeahyeah.Homecoming was really amazing. It was seriously much better than last year. Even though I went with Vincent, we only danced for a couple songs. I had a mini-breakdown halfway through, when I saw that he had been dancing and talking with the same girl for a while. I tried to make him jealous by dancing with a bunch of guys, but my attempts were pretty futile, because Vincent didn't even get jealous when we were going out, why should he care now?
A friend told me that she might be pregnant, but luckily Monday morning she got confirmation that she isn't. I have a really big crush on Russell. He's really cute and sweet and I wish he wasn't going out with Amber. But whatever. I'm probably not exactly next on his list of people he wants to date anyways. Cliche.I never wanted to be so cliche.
I never wanted to not be able to make my boyfriend stay, but also not be able to tell him to fuck off. I didn't want to have a typical highschool relationship. You don't stay with someone for a year and a half and then just get tired of them. That's not how it's supposed to be. He says if he stays with me he's always going to wonder "what could have been" with someone else. But to me that's not right. Because that means he wonders more about what could be with someone else than what could be with me. And I don't know how to tell him to never come crawling back to me again. Because I still love him. Popular.Not.
But I am definitely loving this thing where I get invited to parties and have lots of fun and have lots of friends. It's fun to be able to do things like this. Like real kids should. But I miss Marissa. It's been a while since I've seen her. :o[ Tomorrow is Halloween. I'm partying it up. Trickortreat style. lolz. Everyone will be at Savanna's. Including me. Yay. I love useless sugars that will go right to my hips. Yay for candy. Good thing conditioning starts on Monday. What good timing. Kiwibox is kind of like real life.I don't know how someone could be completely unmotivated. That's like a crazy paradox. Crazy. And it pisses me off to no end. Seriously.
There was just something about tonight that felt like "old times," whatever those might be. Ben and Savanna. James is amazing. Brogan and Jillian are tons of fun. I just don't understand what it was about tonight. And I think I really like Will. He's so cool. He doesn't care that I don't believe in God. I don't know. I miss Daniel. [ Yes Marissa, your cousin. ] Hanging out with him in Connecticut was fun. Maybe next year I'll hang out with him while I'm up there again. I miss Connecticut. A lot sometimes. I was different up there. And I just can't be that way here, no matter how hard I try. I think I'm pretty much different around Marissa in general. But once I get back to my house it's back to strict stuff. Watching my tongue and not arguing[debating]. Going to bed at a decent time. School. No Myspace. I don't know. My parents are so much more conservative and nice and psycho strict. I realized tonight that saying that you are agnostic is stupid. Because to say that you are agnostic is to say you have a "faith" but faith is basically defined as believing in the things you can't see or touch or feel. And agnostic means that you don't believe in those things. I don't get it. Anyways. I still have a crush on the bongo player from the band "Orange Avenue" that I saw on CityWalk with Marissa. I miss him. LOL. Now that I'm single I think about all of these guys. But I'm back to the feeling of knowing that I can't have any of them. And maybe I am more confident and even prettier than I used to be back when I was single before I had Vincent. But like. I still feel like I can't have them because that is what I'm used to. And sometimes I think that maybe being with Vincent was just because we thought that it was the best either of us could do. But I don't think that's true. And I do love him and it feels weird to not think that our plans for the future are going to work, but I also know that maybe we aren't meant to be together. And maybe that's why I'm so okay with not being with him. I think I need to talk to him though. Maybe change our situation a little bit. Because I don't know if I can stand the way it's going now. . Kiwibox is like real life because you can't go back and delete old entries that you didn't like afterwards, just like you can't delete old memories from your life. I kind of like it that way. I can always go back and see just how I was feeling at certain times. Even though I realize now that the way I felt maybe have been stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.Maybe everyone is right when they say love doesn't exist.
I thought I knew that it did. But I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. Sitting here staring at my phone, waiting for it to ring; waiting for the call I know isn't going to come, feels worse that anything I've experienced in a long time. It just kind of feels like shit to know everything will never again be the same. And I'm supposed to act like I'm okay. Because I'm not the type of person to need someone else. I'm always supposed to be okay. And I don't know how to be okay anymore. |
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