UrbanDecay13 , 20

What do you do when you're whole world has been turned upside down, and you're 1500 miles and four weeks away from being able to do anything that would fix it.
What do you do?

And what do you do, if that 1500 miles, and that four weeks, is just too far, too long.
And what if your sanity depends on being able to fix this.

What do you do if the only thing that you've been counting on for months is no longer an option.
What if you love someone and it's not enough.
What then?


What if you're just never enough for anyone?
How do you face the world every day knowing that you're irrelevant? That you don't matter.
Knowing that no matter what you do, it doesn't matter. Nothing fucking matters.



 

My greatest fear in life isn't death, or the unknown.
My greatest fear in life is being irrelevant.





I lose. I always lose. And it just doesn't matter. 

And now, before I even have the chance to recover from the first round of havoc that Jonathan wreaked on my heart, he's back.
Just like that.
But no.
WHAT THE FUCK?


Why. Why now. Why ever. Why me.

I just can't.
I just don't know.

I never stopped missing him.
Not for one second of one minute of any day between this moment and the moment he stopped talking to me six weeks ago.
But what does that mean?
Does that mean that I need him?
Does that mean that I should let him back in my life?
What if he breaks my heart again?
I can't let him break my heart again. It'll be too broken for anyone to ever fix.

But I fell so hard.
The only ever time in my life I can remember missing someone this much is when I miss Marissa.
That's how much I miss Jonathan.
And I just don't know how to feel about this.
I don't know if I'm ruining my life by letting him back in.

Three or four texts from him and he's already the only thing I can think about. Wondering when his next text will come.
Remembering how great he was when I was there.
And he's still talking about our life together.
I feel like I'm missing a part of me when I'm not talking to him or seeing him.


It's probably dumb that I'm even thinking or writing any of this.
Because unfortunately for me, I let people break my heart.
And no matter how much I might believe this is the wrong thing to do, and no matter how much I think he might break my heart again, what can I do? That's practically part of the allure.

And.
I don't know if him constantly being on my mind is because I'm meant to be with him, or because I'm obsessed, or because I'm just dumb.


I just don't fucking know.
And I want to know.
If it's not meant to be it won't work, right?
Can I go under that assumption for now?

I just want this to work with him.
But I don't know how to go back to how we were.
Or did we ever really leave that?
I just know that I feel like I can't live without him in my life. And I can't decide if that means I'm crazy and this is unhealthy, or if that's because we're meant to be together.


I just don't know. 

I wish that the world would just implode in on itself.
Because that's how I feel.
Like my whole world has crumbled down and doesn't exist anymore.



This just isn't getting any easier.
And there's nothing I can do, except let it happen.
I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to do this.

I don't even know what happened.
And I don't think I'm ready to write about it yet.
Because I'm that hurt.
I have to write about it when I have some perspective.
Because today I will just start crying again when I try to rehash the nonexistence of Jonathan in my life.

Because it hurts, more than I can remember hurting before.
So another day, and another time, when I've had time to come to terms with the situation, this post will happen in its entirety.

But for now I just have to chronicle the pain that I'm feeling.
Quantify the existence of this hole in my heart, in my life, that has replaced Jonathan.

He filled a hole in me which I had no idea was there, and he took with him more than I could ever care to give. 

This is a further chronicle of my time with Jonathan. Because I don't want to forget anything about the two weeks we spent together.

New Years Eveeeeeeeeeee; omg. Ratio at the party: 12 or so guys to two girls, only one of which was single. ME. Not only did I really meet, and makeout with, Jonathan, buttttt I professed my love for Russell, who was not drunk, like I was, and it's okay with me. I'm ridiculous but NYE happened to be such an amazing night, not only because I met, and madeout with, Jonathan, buttttttt it was great to sit and talk with all my old friends and get shitfaced and not even care. It was a great night.
Thennnnnnn...we texted all day Friday and Saturday.
Saturday night my family and a few of my good friends and their parents went to The Draft House, where Jonathan works (coincidence) andddd he happened to be our waiter. Which was fun. It was good to see him that night, and we had such a great time. Love those people I went to dinner with.
Sunday = Jets game and by dinner time I was so ready to JET outta my house because my parents were intentionally agitating each other over the whole football ordeal. The Jets won, and I went out to a movie with Jonathan, then to get hot chocolate and we sat in his car and talked for a while.
At this point, I was still skeptical. I mean, I don't often meet boys that I can actually connect with. And he has such an obnoxious laugh. But I love it. But at this point, I didn't know that yet.
Mondayyyy he met me at the mall and we shopped, and this is where I was really like, 'omg, what have I gotten myself into.' Because this boy has the absolute best sense of style I've ever seen for a guy his age, andddd he's straight, andddd he's so goodlooking and RIDICULOUS.
But we hungout and talked and it was good. Then that night we went to minigolf (fun) and out for dessert after with Chris. That was a good time.
Tuesday, we went for coffee before I went to breakfast with boo and Vincent. He was supposed to come to breakfast but took over the shift of someone else at work because she had to take her son to the doctor.
Wednesday I hungout with Lesley and we went to Barnes and Noble and he met us there and we looked at books and magazines all day and had a good time. Then that night we went to trivia at The Draft House, which was a lot of fun.
Thursdayyyyyyy; hmm...Thursday weeeeee...went to see Avatar in 3D. He didn't like it near as much as I did, but that's kinda okay. I loved it just as much the second time around.
Over the weekend I went to G-ville to see my homies. That was a good time, though I wish Jonathan could have come with me up there. I really enjoyed my time with Xtal and Dustin though, even if they are sickeningly sweet and disgusting.
Thennnnn..Sunday I went home and football again? I don't remember.
Buttttt...Monday we went to breakfast and chilled in his car again. Great time. At this point I was pretty sure I was really connecting with him, and I liked it.
Tuesday; hmmm...See, I'm already forgetting so I have to write this all down so that one day, I don't have to forget. So Tuesday weeeeee...went to see a movie with Marissa and Zack and Paul. That was kinda a bit of a mistake. I wish I could've spent more time with them, with Marissa, outside of the movie that we saw. The movie, however, was hilarious, and I enjoyed it. I just miss spending time with Marissa.
Wednesday we went to Friendly's, he got GROSS icecream that I wouldn't eat, and then we went to trivia at The Draft House again, which was fun. We played pool, I lost (duh) but it was a good time.
That night was kinda the beginning of the terribleness that ensued the next day though.
It was hard knowing it was the last night I'd see him for at least two months, if not a lotttt more.
Thursday he met me at the beach and we talked. And I think that that's actually when I realized how hard it would be.
He was so caring, so tender, and so rational. It was hard to say goodbye because I felt comfortable with him, after just those two short weeks we had together.


Now, I don't know.
This is dumb.
I'm being silly, and falling hard.
And I know that.
I'm still falling though, and he seems like he's gonna catch me.
I really shouldn't trust him so easily, but this seems different than before.
He's sweet and he makes me smile without trying and he's just great.
He's also just like my dad, which is ironic, because they say "You marry your father."
His favorite pie is key lime pie. I mean, really? Why that one? Same as my dad.
But I like it.
It's uncanny, but I really enjoy it.
And I hate being sappy. I'm not sappy and I don't show my emotion.
But with him, it feels okay.
And I'm gonna try to make this work.
Somehow, it has to work.
And I'm not going to rush into it, because that's how it'll fail.
If we both fail to think this through, and if we don't give ourselves time to truly contemplate how this will affect us, than the relationship will fail.
But, we're gonna make this work, if it's the last thing I do.
I hope it's the last thing I do.