UrbanDecay13 , 20

And I know it.
 


But I'm going to chronicle my major fuckup, because I don't want to forget a minute of it.
I miss him already.
But I'll probably miss Jonathon Errico more now than I will in any of the days that follow.
And I kindof just feel dumb. Because I knew this was coming.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't thinking. And maybe that's a good thing?
When I think, I don't do things that make me happy. And so I didn't think, and boy did he make me happy.
Ohhh god. In 48 hours I'll be gone. Back to NJ, then back to MA after that. With all the Massholes. Shit.
And maybe I think I miss him more than I do.
Could we have had a real relationship?
I'd be willing to bet my college education on it.
If he could just live near me.
I HATE PORT SAINT FUCKING LUCIE FLORIDA.
I will never live here again.
I can't even say when, or if, I'll be back here again, to see Jonathon.
So I can't even begin to pretend that a long distance could ever work.
But god.

I've never wanted to fight so much for anything in my entire life.
But I let him go. And now he's gone and I can't do a thing about it.
And I couldn't do a thing about it anyways. But I just wish I could.
Shit.

Am I making a mistake in not fighting for him?
It's not even like there's a fight to be had. Another time, and another place, we could've been perfect.


Of all the bars, in all the world...





I just can't do anything right.
And then, while my heart was being held together by a fucking thread, my best friend couldn't even be there.
And I'm scared. God I'm so scared.
What would I ever do without her?
I can't do this.
I can't do this without her. And I'm afraid one day I'm going to wake up and I'm going to realize that I've been doing it without her all my life and I'm going to have a mid-life crisis, or just a life crisis.
Marissa I know you'll read this someday. And I just don't know.
I love you and you're my best friend. And I'm just freaking out right now.
And tomorrow, next week, in a few months, I'm not going to care that you weren't here, right now, and I know that.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.
So I'm sorry if any of that comes out the wrong way.




Maybe someday, I'll look back on this and laugh, because me and Jonathon do get our time, sometime in the future.
I'd be happy if that were the case.
Please let that be the case.


Please. 

 

Hm..Where to begin.
First, this entry comes a little early this year. Throughout my time on Kiwibox, I've always made an entry on the first day of the new year to recap my year and I guess say what I hoped I would accomplish in the following year. I don't even know. Turns out I didn't do one last year. Whatever. Mostly, this is a recap on college. On where I've come from, and what I'm doing now? I can't even begin to tell you where I'm going.


The one thing that I always loved about Kiwibox was that I could never delete anything I had said without deleting the whole journal. I'm really mad that they changed that policy. I was happier when I felt like I couldn't go back and edit out my ridiculous dumbass statements from my 13 year old mind. I'm still not going to delete any of it, but let me tell you, I'm tempted.

So...I'm upset.
I'm not unhappy, but I'm upset.
Worried might be a good adjective. Or slightly delusional and probably insane.
I'm on my way to becoming an alcoholic and a whore, buttttt it's college. That's my excuse and I feel like it's a good one, and I'm not worried about that.
I'm just having an emotional night.
I would like to say that I miss home. And I miss being home and I miss the comfort that home gives me, but I'd be lying.
I love Amherst. But it's just not everything. Not that anyone can ever have everything. But there's something missing. Or not missing, there's something wrong. With me. I'm wrong. And I can cry as much as I want and that won't fix it. And I don't know how to fix it. But I want to fix it. I want to be strong and open and have friends. I miss having friends.
I fuck myself over every time. Because the only thing I've ever wanted was compassion, and I get sucked in with just the tiniest bit. And then it's gone, and I should have known better. But I never know better.

The problem is less that I run back to people who I shouldn't, and more that I run to people in the first place who are bad for me.  I need a better radar when it comes to people who are douchebags and people who are genuine and nice and not terrible.

I just need to figure myself out. And I say that every time. And sure maybe I'm just saying it again. I guess we'll see. I just need to not run to the first guy who pays me a little bit of attention. Because that's what I did. Twice. And that's what fucked me over both times. So fuck Rob. Not Henry so much, because that's different and he didn't do anything wrong. But fuck Rob. Because he played me. He played me good. Like Brandon.
I'm gullible in a way that you'd never guess, but once you know about my weaknesses, you've got me on your fucking string.

So maybe for 2010 I'll concentrate on not being weak. I'll concentrate on finding something real. A real friendship, a real relationship, a real passion of mine. Something real that I can depend on.

In other words, in 2010 I'll be chasing my vodka with broken resolutions.
Cheers.