UrbanDecay13 , 20

I'm eighteen years old.
EIGHTEEN.
Not twelve.
I get laughed at for having an 11:30 curfew. Literally laughed at.
I've always been a good kid. I just really really really can't understand this.
I'm leaving for college in two freaking weeks. And what am I doing on my summer night, the only fucking night of the summer that my best friend is in town?
I'm home by 11, not hanging out with her until the wee hours of the morning.
I mean, fuck.
I hear the stories about my mom living at a campsite with her best friend for a freaking summer with no parents, making sure only that there was beer for the week, and not worrying about food so much, and I can't spend the night at my best friends boyfriends house? I mean, it's her fucking boyfriend. It's not even like a boy, he counts as like neutral-gendered for God's sake.
It shouldn't matter. At all. I should be allowed to see my fucking best friend on the one night she's in town for as long as I want because I have NO IDEA when I could possibly see her again.
It might be fucking 5 months from now.
Do you know how long 5 months is?
Longer then you could ever imagine when the only person in the whole world who understands anything real is the only person you can't see.
Trust me.
It's all a little ridiculous.
When I go to college I'm staying out until forever and never going to sleep and doing whatever I want.
So there.
But not really.
Because I've always been more responsible than that.
Which is why I'm going to one of the top colleges in the entire world. Thanks.
It's just unbelievable. End of story.

It's just the kind of thing that makes you say, "Really?" and tilt your head to the side a little.
If you knew me, you'd understand that this isn't fair.

I'm pretty sure that life is just a little ridiculous.
Of course 33 days before I'm leaving for college (1300 miles away) I would meet one of the most genuine boys I've met in a really long time.
I had an actual good time with him doing nothing but having sober fun with him and one of my bff's.
I don't quite understand how these things work.
And don't tell me it's a higher power bs omg don't wanna hear it.
Because that doesn't make any of it any easier for me. Sorry.
I would much enjoy if I could meet nice boys more often. Really.

That's probably my most used music lyric ever. And it's most likely head-lined my journal entries several times over the 5 years that I've been using kiwibox.
Yep, that's right. I'm probably one of the only people still around that way using kiwibox before the re-vamped terribleness that now makes up the website.
I used to make crazy ass layouts (check out my old posts) and I thought that what I had to say was so terribly important.
And I actually made friends on kiwibox. And I kind of miss her. I hope she's alright.

But. Mostly this is about how I feel old. Even though I'm only 18.
When Michael Jackson died it was really weird, because even though he's not really of my generation, he was in a twisted sort of way. (Because he fucked little boys of my generation, I'm a terrible person.) So when he died it was hard because even though I didn't like him, he seemed like someone from my lifetime, dead already.
And then I went to a Taking Back Sunday concert with my bff and it was the best time I've had in forever. We were suddenly transformed into the Adam-Lazarra-loving 13 year olds that we were meant to be. And I had my best friend back. It was just us in our own little bubble being ourselves. And I miss those times. When we could stay up until four in the morning making PB&J and listen to music so loud and just be happy. I miss being happy like we were back then. "We were young and wild and free..."
And it's just like, I never get that side of my best friend anymore. The side where we're just Christina and Marissa and we're happy and we can talk about anything and be whoever we want and do whatever we want. She's my best friend because, no matter how rare, we still get those moments sometimes. She really knows me and that's something that probably only she can say.
But, even though that was the best night I've had in a really long time, it's still..not weird but idk. After the concert I went back to the apartment and drank and went to a party at two in the morning and got in bed with a freaking 22 year old. To go from being my 13-year-old self to that is just..interesting, to say the least.

And now we're fucking going off to college. And literally, college is a black hole at the end of my summer. I know where and who I am up to that point, and then my world drifts off into oblivion because I don't even know what to expect.
That's a world that my best friend isn't even a part of right now. And I don't know how we're going to do it. And I'm so worried. Because I know it's doubtful for anyone who doesn't get it, but I never will find anyone like Marissa ever again. And she's probably reading this and hardly knowing that I think any of this. But Marissa I don't know what I'd do without you. Haha. You're the only person that would read a kiwibox post by me. lol. And I'll probably still be posting on here in 10 years and it'll be the lamest thing ever but you'll still be reading it so it's okay.

I'm growing up into someone who I never thought I'd be. And that's not even a bad thing. I'm just so different then I thought I'd be. I do things I never thought I'd do and I have a whole different lifestyle outside of my parents rules and they hardly know the true me and it's so weird to think that I'm these two totally different people.
I don't know this is all rambling and dumb and I don't even know. I wish I could say something meaninful that would make all of this more profound but the truth is that I'm just an 18 year old girl who doesn't know who she is yet and I'm still growing up and learning and experiencing and finding new things out all the time.
We'll see where things go.




So, I know you'll never believe, especially after reading all of that. But I just want someone to know that I'm no matter how naive I may be, and thought I'm only eighteen, I'm not some dumb hormonal adolescent. It's terrible that I even feel the need to say it, but I'm so much more intelligent than most kids my age. And it's conceited and rude but after reading that post you'd think I was just like everybody else. And really, I'm not. And I just wanted someone to know that, even if it is only you.

So. I'm a graduate. I can cross that off my list now.
It feels bittersweet.
Which is so terribly cliche, because of course it's bittersweet.
On one hand, it's over and I'm so glad.
But on the other, and probably only because it's over, everyone is being so nice.
I think everyone realizes that it's over, and there's no need to hold grudges or fight or even care what anyone else thinks, so everyone is being really nice to everyone else. The way that it should have been for the past four years.
But it hasn't been that way. People have fought and bitched and moaned and argued and hated each other over nothing.
I've given up old grudges, and I think I've lost some friends too, along with the many I've gained in the past couple weeks.
It's sad that I'm leaving all these people, but it's okay. I can deal with it.
I know the few that I will continue to talk to while I'm away.
Marissa for starters, because she's my best friend and I just can't see life without her.
Emily Crosby, because she's my sister. These past six years with her have given me a new family member I never expected.
Heather. Because although me and Heather have our differences, we can agree to disagree and we'll always be able to reconcile with each other.
And other then that, things are gonna get a little iffy. I just don't know what else I can keep in touch with. Everyone is changing and different and I can't even talk to people who I used to consider my best friends.
I honestly and truly will enjoy when I do get to see them, at Christmas parties and New Years Eve parties and summer parties. But I'm not gonna go out of my way to talk to these people that I don't understand and who don't understand me.
And then, there's the adults who have become my academic parents over these past seven years at LPA.
Mr Gray is one of the best men I've ever met in my entire life. His dedication to empowering us, as his students, is, well, empowering. He's wonderful. He understands that we are the future of this world and he does his best to make sure that we have a place in the world when we graduate.
Mr Sanabria is along the same lines as Mr Gray. He's whipped us into shape (metaphorically, but he could have physically too, if he was allowed.) He has a commanding presence, is a handsome man, and treats all of his students with the respect and dignity that we deserve.
Mrs Reid is like my second mother. She's hilarious and sweet and I'm going to marry one of her gorgeous sons one day and then she'll really be my second mother and I'll enjoy it so much.
There are others who've been there along the way, and offered their support and guidance when we've needed it.
Mrs Norris, Mrs Spooner, Senora Norica. They've all been great and helpful and done their best to prepare us for the years to come.
I just can't wait for the rest of my life. It's all happening so fast, yet not fast enough and I can't wait for it all to be here and to know what is in store for me.
I'm learning to cherish the moment I live in, forget the past, give up old grudges, let the people out of my life who've never been there for me, and let those in who always will. I'm growing up and moving on, and it feels good.

Can I cry now?
Sounds like a good plan.
I don't even want to write it, because if I had a religion, this would be sacriligous. The act of missing someone who's treated you like shit for two years would be against my religion.


I don't even know what to do.
I can't talk to him. Because I'd be ruining my life all over again. But I can't keep feeling this way.
How do I stop missing someone that I shouldn't miss in the first place?
I just want to forget it all.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, anyone?
But they really get together in the end, which would not happen in this situation. Because I can't take this ever again.
It's this terrible feeling all over like I'm doing something wrong if I even think about him but it just feels like something's missing.
This is terrible and I just want to be rid of it.
I don't even know what to do.
CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.