UrbanDecay13 , 20

So. I'm having a hard time believing that this is it, that I'm almost done. So close to being done.
It's like somewhere along the way, I missed something. I missed an important step along the way.
But..
I feel like I'm growing up, but somehow I'm missing the actual growing up part.
I've had all these ideas all this time of how things would be. I'd be grown up and older and adult-like and I don't know. Maybe I thought I wouldn't be me anymore. I saw so many pictures of the people who have graduated before me, and it just seems like they were so much older when they left here and stepped into the real world.
I mean, not that I'm not dying to get out and go.
But I mean. I could still be the 13 year old girl that started on here, talking about boys and my best friend five years ago, not even knowing anything that was going on.
I don't even know.
It's sad. But..harder to believe then it is upsetting.
I've done things I didn't know I'd do, and my parents let me do things I shouldn't and turn their back and pretend it doesn't happen. Some are things I thought I'd do and others are completely unfamiliar and I'd rather just run away from them then face the facts. That I'm not, not something that I thought I'd be.
And people tell me I'm smart or intelligent or wonderful but I don't see that. I'm going to one of the best colleges in the world and I find it hard to believe that I'm really that smart; that my vocabulary is really that big; that I really can do this.
I'm ready but I'm scared.

My name is Xtina Marie and I like to drink excessively.
Hah.
And I don't even care.



I'm happy right now.
Soooo happy.
I had the best prom night ever and school's almost over and I just can't wait for real life to begin.
I miss my best friend and I wish she were going to college with me but she'll always be close enough.
13 days left of school ever.
I'm so excited.
I'm getting so amped for college you don't even know.


omgggggg.
:)

I suck at life mostly.
But I'm used to it by now so I suppose it's okay.


I like boys who are jerks.
And mostly I'll always go back to Brandon a little because he's Brandon and I've known him forever and it's easy to talk to him and I'm sick of being single.

My stupid friends that are in relationships don't know how to not hangout with their boyfriends for five seconds so I never get to talk to them.
And that doesn't go for Marissa, because well idk why. But it's always been okay that Marissa's boyfriends are around, because they've just always been there.
Anddddddd. So I'm mad at people. And sick of them.
And mostly I hate FL and can't wait to get to Amherst on August 30(!) where I can start my life over and meet new boys. :)


I'm so excited to go to college. I just have to hang on for a couple more months and then I'll be outta here.
Thank God.

I've decided that I always go for boys who I can joke with and laugh with and they get my sarcasm.
The bad thing is, those are usually the boys who only see me as a friend because we can joke around and just be whatever.
And that makes me a little angry.
Because I could never date a boy who doesn't get my sarcasm and cynicism, but I can't ever find one that likes me that does get that.

I don't know.
I just like Jason and wish something would come of it.

And now Brandon is whatever again.
But I'm not whatever this time.
I'm standing up to the ridiculousness that's gone on for the past two years.
I don't even think I can just be friends with him because of how I think I'll always have feelings for him a little bit.

That's the other thing. I'm attracted to boy who are jerks.

I'm just gonna go back to CT and find Alex and marry him.
Haha.
I'll never see him again.
That's just too bad.

I'm happy.
Which is a new revelation.

Things have just been really good lately. Winter break was amazing, I hung out with my bff like every day and had a great new years celebration with her.
I got accepted to the college I wanted to. I'm going to Massachusetts next year.
School is fine. I'm dealing with all of it well.
I don't know about boys. But now Brandon's trying to talk to me again. Jason is really cool, wish things would move along with him.
Softball has started and it's gonna be a long season but it's okay.
I'm almost done with senior year and I'm gonna be moving on, starting real life soon.

It's all so exciting.