UrbanDecay13 , 20

makes me laugh.
It's kind of true but at the same time not true at all.



I'm ridiculousssssssssss.
I just wish I knew what was going on.


But things are good.
:]

Life is changing.
I just realized a super change in myself last night.
I have a crush on this guy and I totally did stuff I would have been too embarassed to do even a couple months ago. I totally wasn't timid about it, which is such a difference.



I'm really happy right now.

I've got this weird mix of emotions going on lately. It's kind of weird.
I don't like it much at all.
Things are changing in super ways. It's kind of hard to deal with, even though I'm not really dealing at all.
People who used to be good friends are ignoring me, changing, growing up, and I can't stop it. And I can't pretend anymore that we even have anything in common at all.

Others. Well. They're changing. One growing more annoying, another more distant.
I don't know what to do.
I'm kind of closing myself off again. Like I used to. And I know that's definitely not good for me. Not good at all, especially not now.

And I'm an idiot.
Enough said.
Boys make me do stupid things.
And I have a hard time dealing with it, actually.
I hate Brandon Tabor. End of story.
He wasn't worth it and treated me like shit and I allowed it. I probably won't ever understand why.


I'm a glutten for punishment.
Fuck. Things are enough. Not bad enough or good enough but just enough that I want to cry, maybe a lot.


I don't know what to do anymore.
I haven't had a real night with my bf in a while.
And she's the only one that ever really made anything better.


I'm just falling apart a little again.

Turns out that I'm not.


Well I mean.
I just thought that I had everything all figured out forever. But the truth is that I left out one of the most important parts.
I just assumed, wrongly I admit, that me and Marissa would both go to Amherst and everything would be fine.
But that's not how it's going to be.
I mean.
It could happen.
In some alternate universe that caters to what I want.
Hah.
Yeah right.
The possibility of both of us getting into that school is one in a million.
And even so, she doesn't even know if she wants to go there.
And that's okay.
Because that's life.

But.
Like.
I was prepared to let everything else go, and just start over when I get there.
Every single person here, I can just forget about.
But Marissa is more than that.
And I'm an idiot for thinking that I could keep her contained (not that she was ever contained in the first place) in any one place for too long.
When we get out of highschool all the rules change.
They rearrange themselves into new and exciting? and crazy possibilities.
The rest of the world that has been hidden from us for 18 years is opened up to us and we're thrust into it.


What am I gonna do?
We'll be magicians.
I'll learn how to saw people in half and she can make balloon animals.

Okay?



No.
I'm scared.
And I'm the last person you'll ever hear admit that.


After that week with her and everyone in CT and being myself for 11 days. It's just like.
What will I do when I'm forced into the real world and I have to figure out who I really am, without her.

I don't even know.
But going to CT just reinforced the fact that someday we'll be apart. I mean, we'll have families and obligations and oh shit.
I'm done.
If I think about this anymore I'll be sobbing so hysterically that I won't be able to see the computer screen.




Marissa's probably going to read this, maybe now, maybe someday in the future, and she'll tell me I'm crazy for being scared.
And she's probably right.
But I am scared.
More than I've ever been of anything.

If you're reading this Marissa it's true, I don't know what I'll do without you.

So here's the thing.




Brandon is ridiculous.
It's ridiculous that I'm still even thinking about him, and it began being ridiculous about 12 months ago.
But that's beside the point, because here I am, still ridiculously liking him when I know I shouldn't, and everyone says I shouldn't, and blahblahblah.

But I think I've figured out what it is.
I mean, other than the familiarity of the whole situation, and the fact that he's a challenge.
I've realized that I never know what I'm going to get when I talk to him or look at him or hangout with him. He's always changing within the realm of himself. And that keeps things interesting. On any given day he might call and say he misses me. And the hope of that is what keeps me in this.


Not to mention the fact that I'm heading for freedom in 12 months so I'm not even worried about being in a serious relationship at this point.
And now that I've stopped crying every time Brandon does something wrong (which was quite frequently) this relationship (or lack there of) doesn't even seem so bad.
I mean, I have a boy I can talk to that will make me laugh when I need it. When I'm with him I can be with him in most senses of the word. And it's kind of just like "whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" because I know that in a year I'm leaving him and here and it'll all be okay.



So that's the deal.