UrbanDecay13 , 20

God is a figment of Moses' imagination.



Literally God can be traced back to a war god of Egypt who was actually really a bitch and threatened to kill thousands of people if they stepped on his mountain, he didn't care who they were. He also threatened their lives if they didn't worship him.
And it's all kind of ridiculous, because they didn't choose to worship him and they still lived their lives.

History even shows that God, Yahweh, whatever, wasn't even worshipped fully until after the Jewish religion is said to have been established.
And the bible has so many problems. I mean, obviously it was written thousands of years after the events that it portrays, but still. It's not right.


I don't know.
I just find it so hard to believe all that stuff when it can factually be proven wrong. I mean, the Book of Genesis is obviously fictious, because according to history the existence of God as we know him can't even be found until thousands of years after the supposed creation of the earth and animals and man.


It's just ridiculous.

I just found out that my ex is on bi-polar medication now.
And I don't like that.



I don't like meds that change who someone is, even if it's for the better.
I don't know.
It's like, artificial happiness in a bottle, and I don't like that.
Me and my kids are going to be med-free as long as I can help it.
Ugh.
I don't know.
I can't even explain why I dislike it so much.
I know it's kind of stupid but now I just feel like any time that he's happy it's not a real emotion so that's weird.

So I'm counting today as the first official day of my summer.
And it's starting on the first day of the month, which is also a Sunday, which I feel is fitting. I need a new start and Sundays and first days of the months just get me feeling happy.



I'll sort of start thinking about maybe writing my paper by Friday, possibly.
Hah.

Almost exactly one year since we first hooked up.
And what have I accomplished since then?

Two steps forward, three steps back.




This is ridiculous.





I'm not sure I can take another year here with these dipshits. It's just like, they say one thing, and they turn around and do another. And yeah, that happens everywhere, blahblahblah, but here it's different. Seriously if they wanna be my friend to my face and talk shit behind my back that's fine. Or just talk shit to my face, whatever. But it's the much more trivial things that get to me. The "I can't believe he got so pissed about you popping a water balloon on him." And then you turn around and pour fucking sprite on me and hate me for forever because I popped one on you. And for anyone to say they'd slit my tire over a fucking water balloon should rot in hell for eternity.
And also, it's the fact that apparently I have BITCH tattooed across my forehead in some writing I can't read.
I don't get why everyone thinks its okay to push Christina to her limits, because of course I have no feelings.



What the fuck?
I just don't get it.
Just a few weeks ago I was so confident that 14 months was nothing, that of course I'd make it out the other side alive.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
My first night of summer could, and should, have gone so much better.
They don't understand me.





I've also vowed that the next new boy I meet I'm going to talk to. And just try. Because what I have now is meaningless and I need something more than that, even if I pretend I don't.
Ryan has potential. But he's still connected to all my friends in a million different ways, and he probably isn't any better than Brandon at relationships.
I always pick the shitty ones.

So I'm exhausted.
And, yet again, forgotten by Brandon.





Shoot me in the face?

I'm such an idiot.
Someone find me another boy that is better than Brandon, it can't be hard I imagine, and then I will date him and not think about Brandon ever again.
Except for because I've known Brandon since I was seven it makes sense to stay attached to him now in some sort of bizarre way that no one would ever understand.
Duh.

Beach party tomorrow.
Of course Brandon won't come. Duh.
He's gay.
I'm going to see if Ryan will come.
I like Ryan.
And really I have no connection with Brandon right now, other than, well, nothing.
So I'll myspace Ryan and see if he'll go to the beach with me, since Brandon won't.
:]