UrbanDecay13 , 20

It's upsetting to realize that I know that the relationship I'm in is a bad one, hardly one at all in fact, and I know that as soon as I'm done with this, which could be forever away, I'll look back and just be like, man, what was I thinking for that entire year and a half?


And I'll know that I was just an idiot.
And I'll move on.
But right now, I can't move on.
Because right now isn't then, it's now.
And I'll always pretend like this is okay.
Because I'm an idiot.
Duh.





I really like Kevin.
Stupid.
So stupid.
Ugh.
It doesn't matter.
It never does.
That's why I'm still with Tabor.
Because it's easier to pretend like I really do deserve this shitty shit then realize that no other guy wants me.






And of course the person I really need is probably somewhere around North Carolina right now, and I won't talk to her for a couple weeks, and I won't see her for another month and a half.
I should have made more of an effort to see her before she left.



I'm really kind of falling apart again.
Fridays are the worst.
I don't know what I'm going to do all summer long.
I hate thinking about it.
I just want it to be my senior year so that I'm that much closer to getting out of here.
I have to get out.
More than another year might kill me.
Literally.

I have to get away from these people who I can't talk to and these people that I've known for forever.
It'll be hard but at the same time, I know that I can't stay here forever, and I understand I may never see any of them again. And really, it'd be fine with me if I went away and found fourmillion new friends who love me for me, not for who I pretend to be when I don't have anything better to do.
I don't know.
I'm just really upset right now and I wish it would stop.
But it won't.
I know it won't.
Because I can feel that it won't.
I haven't been this upset in a really long time.





And also.
Today I realized that I really hate the notion of anyone I know going in the Army.
Ugh.
I know I'm probably a really bad person for that.
I mean, someone has to go in the army, and if those guys are over there dying for us, then I should at least be willing to let my friends go over there and die for us, even if I'm not will to.
But honestly.
I just feel like no one needs to die.
I mean, I love the soldiers that are over there for doing what they're doing. But I don't want them over there.
I don't know.
Kevin was talking about going in the army today, and how he really saw a good change in his step-dad when he got back from Iraq.
But picturing Kevin over in Iraq with a gun in his hand getting blown up by Iraqi insurgents really just made me want to cry.
Or Brandon going over there?
I mean.
Fuck.
I'm way to deep into this. Brandon's 20 year old brother is in Iraq right now.
Brandon's mostly likely gonna sign up too, if he doesn't get a lotta scholarship money or something. idk.
That really just makes me want to cry a lot.
It's just so hard for me to believe that it's a good idea for either of them to shipout to Iraq and possibly die over there.
I mean.
If you're going to take a risk, jump out of a plane. I'll go rock climbing with you without a harness if you want. Let's go on a Safari or climb Mount Everest.
But please, just don't put yourself in a direct line of fire with the enemy.
And please, please just anyone that has someone in any of the armed forces right now, don't take this the wrong way.
I mean, I really do repect our soldiers for doing what they're doing. I have a lot of family in the army and such, so it's not like I'm totally disconnected from this.
I just, I don't know. I don't want anyone going over there and dying.

I've decided that I can't believe in karma.
There's no way that some of these people deserve what they get.


For instance, my cousin, she's wonderful.
She's so nice and caring and yeah, she's made her handful of mistakes, but she's a great person.
And first, she wasn't even able to have kids. She had to go through a lot of therapy to get it done. And then, the twins were born almost 3 months premature. They're lucky they're even alive. It hurts me so much to think that she's had to deal with all of this. I mean. I can't even imagine what it's been like these past 5 months, just hoping that her children would survive. And then, with two premie babies in the hospital, her husband decides to be a jerk, will hardly even let her see her family. Ugh. I really liked him too. I just don't get it.
How is that even fair?


I just don't get it.



And I find it so hard to believe in a God when things like this happen. How could anyone be so cruel?
I refuse to believe that there is someone up there letting all of this happen. Because if there is, I'd rather rot in hell for eternity. Really.

That quote kind of makes me happy. Like a lot.
I mean. I was just sitting here absently doing nothing. And then I saw that quote. And I was just like, damn.
Because yeah, the entry I wrote the other day is all true. Every single bit of it is the truth and I didn't exagerrate anything and I really do get walked all over by him and by others.
But I mean, we always remember the good times, and we'll always forget the bad. Life is all about stringing together those good moments, and I know that 10 years from now, I'll look back and I'll think that the relationship that I had with him was good, no matter how silly is really is right now. Because I do enjoy him and being with him and talking with him and he does make me happy, even though a lot of the time he makes me mad. And, if by some crazy joke of fate, we end up together for, well you know, ever, then I'll look back, and if I even manage to remember that he took some other girl to her junior prom, I'll laugh, and think about how stupid I was for being so mad at him about it.


And a lot of the time I let him ruin my day; I let something he's done affect me so much that I think that I couldn't possibly even want to talk to him again. But then he calls, sounding all sweet and complaining about how he can't sleep, and I want to talk to him again, just like that.
I'm just a melodramatic teenager, who has her ups and downs. I'm no more or less moronic than any other hormonal seventeen year old. And sometimes I really do make life harder for myself, but really, that's all it is, me making my own life harder.
Chuck Palahniuk summed me up perfectly, and I knew it the moment I read it.
"We piss and moan, but we appreciate God kicking us out of Eden. We love our trials. Adore our enemies. "



So for today I'm happy. And maybe I will be tomorrow too, albeit tired.
And that's enough right now, even though in a few days when I'm upset again I'll be complaining about how life just isn't fair.
Duh.

I'm at the point where every song, every quote I happen upon, could be about us. And I tell them that I'm just in it for the fun. That I don't really want anything serious, because in a year I'll be gone and I'm leaving everything behind. But, while I really will leave everything behind when I go to college, I wouldn't mind a real relationship now. However awful this relationship(?) gets, it always seems better to me to have him with me than not with me. (Even though we aren't really together.) But he can't kiss me like he did on Saturday, the perfect movie-ending kiss, and not feel something. And then I come to the point where I've been mad, and I feel the need to apologize, for something that I had the right to be mad at. And I rationalize it all in my head, about how I really was just being a bitch, and how I can't believe that I was that mean, and I apologize, for something I didn't even really do. It's him that should be calling me and apologizing for not making me a priority in his life. For taking other girls to prom and not even inviting me to his. For not caring enough to call or hangout, but wanting me to drop what I'm doing whenever he feels the need to stop over. And I let him do all of this, because in the end, it's what I do in all the "important" relationships I have. Because of course I always feel like it's all my fault, and that I've been a bitch and that I need to do whatever it is I know I can do to get them back, when really I've done nothing wrong.
And the sad thing is, I realize I've been wronged. I realize that I deserve better. But what do I do? I cry and I tell my sob stories to my friends who are way past even caring anymore and I pretend like it's all okay, when it isn't.
So really, it's my fault. It's my fault that half the world sees me as the bitch that I'm not, because I protect myself from them, when it's not them I need protecting from. I always screw up the wrong relationships. I'm mean to boys like Kevin, who are nothing but sweet and do nothing but put up with the things that I do, and I shut out girls like Jillian, or Xtal, who's my mom when I need one most. And it's my fault that I get treated like shit by the people who treat me like shit, because they've realized I'll always come crawling back. Duh.



I'll always hang on when letting go is the only thing I really need to do.


And sometimes I act like I've grown up, really grown up, since I last used this journal every day in eigth grade. And while maybe the world has been a bit more cruel to me since then, I've had my share of oppurtunities to create a wonderful life, free of bullshit, for myself. But I don't, because I'll always pick the wrong people to love. So really, to answer my own question, I am still naive and idiotic, just in different ways than I was three years ago.
It's so crazy to think that just three years ago I'd never been kissed. And look where he wants me to go now. Someplace that I'm still not going, but honestly, I know I will soon enough. I'm such an idiot, and I give in to all the wrong persuasion.


I let the wrong people use my weaknesses against me.
He just hasn't found all of them yet.

I just don't understand parents.
They act like they were never mean to their parents when they were teenagers.
Like the were perfect.
Either that or they realize their mistakes and don't want me to make them too.
But really.
Just let me live my life.
I'm not gonna learn any lesson from you better than the world could teach it to me.
I just want to be free.
They just don't understand.