That's probably my most used music lyric ever. And it's most likely head-lined my journal entries several times over the 5 years that I've been using kiwibox.
Yep, that's right. I'm probably one of the only people still around that way using kiwibox before the re-vamped terribleness that now makes up the website.
I used to make crazy ass layouts (check out my old posts) and I thought that what I had to say was so terribly important.
And I actually made friends on kiwibox. And I kind of miss her. I hope she's alright.

But. Mostly this is about how I feel old. Even though I'm only 18.
When Michael Jackson died it was really weird, because even though he's not really of my generation, he was in a twisted sort of way. (Because he fucked little boys of my generation, I'm a terrible person.) So when he died it was hard because even though I didn't like him, he seemed like someone from my lifetime, dead already.
And then I went to a Taking Back Sunday concert with my bff and it was the best time I've had in forever. We were suddenly transformed into the Adam-Lazarra-loving 13 year olds that we were meant to be. And I had my best friend back. It was just us in our own little bubble being ourselves. And I miss those times. When we could stay up until four in the morning making PB&J and listen to music so loud and just be happy. I miss being happy like we were back then. "We were young and wild and free..."
And it's just like, I never get that side of my best friend anymore. The side where we're just Christina and Marissa and we're happy and we can talk about anything and be whoever we want and do whatever we want. She's my best friend because, no matter how rare, we still get those moments sometimes. She really knows me and that's something that probably only she can say.
But, even though that was the best night I've had in a really long time, it's still..not weird but idk. After the concert I went back to the apartment and drank and went to a party at two in the morning and got in bed with a freaking 22 year old. To go from being my 13-year-old self to that is just..interesting, to say the least.

And now we're fucking going off to college. And literally, college is a black hole at the end of my summer. I know where and who I am up to that point, and then my world drifts off into oblivion because I don't even know what to expect.
That's a world that my best friend isn't even a part of right now. And I don't know how we're going to do it. And I'm so worried. Because I know it's doubtful for anyone who doesn't get it, but I never will find anyone like Marissa ever again. And she's probably reading this and hardly knowing that I think any of this. But Marissa I don't know what I'd do without you. Haha. You're the only person that would read a kiwibox post by me. lol. And I'll probably still be posting on here in 10 years and it'll be the lamest thing ever but you'll still be reading it so it's okay.

I'm growing up into someone who I never thought I'd be. And that's not even a bad thing. I'm just so different then I thought I'd be. I do things I never thought I'd do and I have a whole different lifestyle outside of my parents rules and they hardly know the true me and it's so weird to think that I'm these two totally different people.
I don't know this is all rambling and dumb and I don't even know. I wish I could say something meaninful that would make all of this more profound but the truth is that I'm just an 18 year old girl who doesn't know who she is yet and I'm still growing up and learning and experiencing and finding new things out all the time.
We'll see where things go.




So, I know you'll never believe, especially after reading all of that. But I just want someone to know that I'm no matter how naive I may be, and thought I'm only eighteen, I'm not some dumb hormonal adolescent. It's terrible that I even feel the need to say it, but I'm so much more intelligent than most kids my age. And it's conceited and rude but after reading that post you'd think I was just like everybody else. And really, I'm not. And I just wanted someone to know that, even if it is only you.