beachbumgalx , 21

Entry-162

 

Dear Kiwi Readers,

Sometimes I feel lost in this world. I don't know what to do, who to turn to. I don't know what I want. I look at my dull little life.. and all I can see is regret. Things I wish I would have done, but there's no turning back now. What am I to do? And as every day passes by, I truly try to make that one count, but I keep on failing myself. Sure I can change some of the bad, but I want to change it all.. all of my life. That's where I get stuck. 

I cannot discuss this with anyone. I don't trust anyone else, but myself. This burden is heavy to carry around, but to protect those I love..I don't have much of a choice. I find myself getting lost in fantasy literature, films and TV series.. hoping that for once, my life would have some spark, some excitement.

I have always had so many wishes and inspirations, so many dreams! But sometimes I feel like I gave it all up for something that seemed so good at the time. Don't get me wrong, some good things came of it. I would be lying to myself if I said that my life was nothing but bad. But its not what I wanted for myself. I wanted so much more. I feel like all my potential went to waste. I'm stuck in a rut and I can't find the way out. I'm stuck in this body, this life, when my soul just wants to be everywhere but here. So many things and so many people are holding me back, holding me down. I don't want to disappoint them, but there is consequences to every actions, a small price to pay for the joy and pride of my family... ultimate misery! But what can I say, "You can't win them all!"  Let's just hope one day I win more battles then I lose. 

 

This miserable situation cannot last forever. Life isn't all about me anymore, I have a son in the mix and thats truly what matters in the end. 

 

xo

Entry - 161

 

Dear Readers,

Every time I think that everything is going to be okay something happens to remind me that in one second everything can change. 

I guess I've learnt that you shouldn't take things for granted, because it may not always be there. 

Just as I thought to myself, things can't possibly get worst; things got worst! It all started with a City that had nothing better else to do, but to gossip and cause problems, making its habits miserable. When someone would stand up against this injustice..the city turned against them. I know this because it happened to me.

I'm your average girl, just looking to find my place in this world. I never liked my hometown, it was always full of know it alls, and people who never really had anything better to do then making other people's lives miserable. But I grew up in this city, so you could say that I got immuned to it. Not that it ever was okay. Things turned sour when my mom got depressive and started calling up my friends; hoping to discover some deep dark secret. going out for coffees, trying to befriend them, turning them against me. May I add that word sure as hell gets around fast in a small city like this one. I still have no idea of the origin of her actions. Then she starts telling my friends that she needs them to tell her everything about me, because she fears for my son's life, telling them she thinks I will hurt him, because I am stressed and probably having a depression. Naturally that was not the case, she was simply projecting her feelings upon me. You can simply imagine what my friends started thinking of me. Now one of my friends who knew me fairly well, had the decency to tell her that she was loyal to me and wasn't going to talk about this because it wasn't right. But the other friend she spoke to, wasn't as loyal to me. Let's just say it was an ex-friend that always had something against me; because I had something she didn't a real father. (sadly she never knew her father.. her mother got pregnant at 16 and decided never to tell her who her father was..according to close friends of her, it had to do with the fact that he was insane and abusive; I personally believe that there's more to it, but what do I know). Every time I was happy she would come in and do something to hurt me, to put me down. Either she wouldn't talk to me for a few months or she would make me feel bad about myself. She was always a very jealous person, and when she was jealous she could be very hurtful. Let's just say she became my mother's friend.. they went for coffee and would speak on the phone for 3 hours, about me of course. I was so hurt! My mom started telling my friends that she thought she should call Children's aid on me, people started worrying, making me feel like a bad mom. When all along nothing was wrong. So i was forced to move out of the city, because as you can imagine it became unbearable. I stopped speaking to my parents, I wrote them a letter, which my mom printed and gave to her new found friend (which we will call A) and A's mom (B). I was enraged. A letter, a personal letter that I wrote to my parents was printed and distributed like it was some kind of novel. My life had become an open book. So I decided to write my parents an email expressing how I felt. Yes, as you probably have guessed, she phoned B and told her to bring A over it was an emergency, because I had emailed her. Both showed up, gossiping about the whole thing. Now I was rattled, she had no respect for my feelings. A loved to make my life miserable and she succeeded. So I wrote back saying I wanted nothing to do with my parents. 

I called my Mom's friend, and we talked and talked. She was always like a second mother to me; and I suppose i always used her as revenge.. lets see if she likes it. it was only fair. But my mom's friend took no one's side, she helped me clear things up, trying to help me fix things. She made me feel loved, she comforted me, made me feel better about me, about my choices in life. So my strength grew. 

I emailed my parents back saying that Yes i was ready to fix things. So we started emailing each other slowly. Next thing you know I am giving out my location and my phone number. Now, we are going to meet up on November 20th at my place. I am hoping that all goes well with that. So A didn't win! 

Mean while, I was staying at my parent-in-laws. Everything seemed well, until my father-in-law started going away for weeks on end for work. His girlfriend went crazy. She didn't take it so well. She started blaming us, saying it was all our fault. Bringing us into a problem we didn't want to be involved in. One day it all went down. Next thing you knew we were back where we had left off. Another mama drama. We got thrown out and she did everything she possibly could to make us feel like crap, even though we hadn't spoken to her much. It was her way of getting back at my father-in-law. She yelled at us in front of my poor confused son, she spit in my boyfriends face, threw tantrums, kicked us out, stocked our Facebook profile, harassed us on our profiles. We were eventually forced to delete her and my father-in-law off our profile, we were forced to leave and lets just say she did everything in our power to take things away from us, even though we hadn't much from the start. 

We found a lovely apartment, to sublet for a nice couple who were leaving the province but where stuck on a lease. Now everything sounds good except that nothing is legalized on paper, and they pretty much want us hiding out. But we hadn't a choice. We had nowhere to go. But that wasn't the worst of our problems.

The same weekend that we moved into our new place, our car broke down. Totaled. No more transportation. The apartment we had was beautiful at the time because we had a car to drive 30 minutes away to visit family, but now we find ourselves isolated at the other end of town, with an hour and a half long transit commute to go see family. We had to sell the car to the junk yard for peanuts basically. But if that wasn't bad enough...

I had been having cellphone problems for over 2 months now, the phone was defective, but my phone company would not replace it. I had one month left of my warranty. I was planning on using it before it ran out, but the company kept on dragging on, and then without warning they suspended my account for none payment.. normally they called to make arrangements, i had forgotten to pay my bill, they treated my like i was a no body and refused to turn it back on. I was basically forced to cancel my lines. Now not only did I have to pay for the phones, because we had gotten it free upon contract, but I had to pay cancellation fees and our bills. 

Back in my hometown we had left some furniture behind, because we couldn't bring everything along in one shot, due to the lack of a proper moving truck. Now we were getting phone calls saying that if we didn't move it out they would throw all our things out, even though it was illegal for them to do so they didn't care they would rather pay a fine then keep our things like they had promised. But nothing was in writing, so we were stuck. They called my parents to whom I was barely speaking to, now they have to pick up my stuff. How embarrassing.

We have been having problems with bills ever since the move and theres always something that comes up to bring us back down again. But i refuse to give up. My son is my motivation and we will make it back on top. You will see.

We have also come across a scam. We were innocent victims of a scam. I have been looking for work. And fell upon a mystery shopper position. Everything seemed promising until he asked me to cash in a money order. Unfortunately it was fake. Lucky for me the teller let me off the hook, I called the cops and got a report done. If it wasn't for that wonderful teller, I would of payed a lot of money, and would of had to prove my innocence to the cops. my bank accounts could have been all frozen. WOW! was I lucky. And because of all this, I almost got evicted from an apartment that isn't exactly legally mine. Just everything at once.

I went for another job interview to find out that this one was an exotic massage parlor when I had been told that it was a spa. I had been fooled once more. Now i truly feel like and idiot, but its okay because everyone makes mistakes.. and we will make it through, because our love is strong! Thank god for my fiance whom I've been dating for over 5 years and my wonderful baby boy. They are my ultimate strength... "its going to be okay!"

 

xo 

entry - 160

 

dear readers,

so i've now moved out of my in laws home, feels great to have a place of my own once again. there was way too much drama for one home to handle. its just all the little things pilling up until one day it all exploded; well more like she exploded. it all started with my step mother in laws dog. the dog dug some holes outside in the backyard, which she tried to blame on my dog, even though the evidence was there; her dog paws were full of dirt. she got really upset and when she gets upset its mostly for stupid things but she takes it to a whole new level and goes a-wall on everyone. so she started yelling at my father in law. my boyfriend simply had bad timing.. as she started exploded on my father in law my boyfriend was half way up the stairs and got caught in the middle. as soon as she saw him she started cussing him out. even though we had nothing to do with what was going on. she turned the conversation around bitching about things that made no sense. saying things like he's always between my legs always serving me helping me out and thats why he doesn't have a job; even though he is working with his uncle. saying that as a family we have no communication; even though communication is impossible with her because basically she talks you listen. saying that i don't do anything around the home that we are very lazy; even though i clean the whole basement every single day, i'm talking about dusting, vacuuming and moping; plus at the moment that she was saying that i was actually cleaning. saying we don't help her out around the house, yet when we moved there she told us that our responsibility was to clean the basement do our own laundry and wash the dishes after we've used them. which we've listened perfectly to her request. saying that she hates how we didn't ask her what the rules were when we moved in and that we don't follow them; even though when we moved in we fully asked her to clear things up, and she told us make yourselves comfortable, act as though this is your house. my boyfriend pretty much nodded to everything she was saying even though she was yelling so loud and i would of probably lost control. then at last she goes as of Monday when your father leaves its my rules, if you were my kids ah! and my boyfriend walked away. the next day she comes downstairs asking for the keys to my father in laws car, she was taking it back even though they have to vehicles and this one was never being used. she just wanted to punish us for something we didn't do..when she fully knew our car was falling apart. and when she told us it was not a problem to use it as we pleased. but to avoid further drama we gave it to her. and deleted her off facebook, because she kept creeping our page and causing unnecessary drama. then i posted a status without naming anyone..being directed at her of course, but i didn't say any names in order to avoid such drama, that way no one knew but i could still express my feelings. the next day while my boyfriend is at work i came back from a walk with the baby and the dog, and she had rummaged through our things. but i thought she was making sure we had cleaned up. then she heard me make some noise and bolted downstairs like a mad women. comes barging into the room asking if the comment on facebook was about her, so for obvious reasons i said no it wasn't besides the comment was very general and no one was mentioned so she had no way of knowing, but being the conceded person that she is automatically cut me off and said NO i know its about me, why did you delete me off facebook so in my defence i told her because she always yells at my father in law it hurts my boyfriend she creeps are facebook to start things about us and it hurts. (in a perfectly acceptable manor).. cuts me off saying its rude that i deleted her..and i shouldn't do that and i should re-add her and that she gets no respect in this home, no help that she has to take care of everyone because everyone are just kids and immature and irresponsible. that she's had it, we are all lazy and dumb, she wants privacy its our fault for everything, theres no communication and we had to get out ASAP. then left.  ...no communication because she never lets you put one word in during an argument its her opinions and thats that. no respect yet we respect her, and she pretty much shits in our faces, i know its your home, but your violating our rights as human beings. our fault for her marital problems yet they were having problems before we moved in, because of her. always bringing back her car accident from like 3-5 years ago, i know people that have been in worst car accidents and are working, and never complaint he way she does.. all for attention. as for respect you gotta give some to get some, lazy we are never home we are always cleaning, shes the one sitting on the sofa on the laptop all day yelling at everyone. immature and irresponsible... ya okay, who is the one acting childish and immature because someone deleted you off facebook. i barely uttered a word. when i picked my boyfriend up from work we picked up his brother too, and came home. as soon as she found out.. she came down once again like a mad women saying she didn't want him here he's not her responsibility (even though its his home as much as it is hers) and he is 15 years old he can pretty much take care of himself. telling my boyfriend how im dead to her and im rude that i admitted the message was about her; now why in the world would i do that, and its my boyfriends and i's facebook, so he saw the message so he knew. and he knows her he knew i couldn't of been rude knowing i couldn't of been able to put a word in. so he talked back trying to make her act mature. so she sobbed like a baby and told him to go away and leave her alone... WOW real mature. really acts like a 2 year old. now despite all this she wanted us out the next day which was impossible and we already had a place. so i posted on my facebook moving this date. she creeped our facebook through my father in laws facebook and commented on that status saying THANK GODD! so everyone in the family got pissed at her. she made my father in law call my mother in law to try to clear his girlfriends name. no one cared, no one likes her. she called my mother in law saying how she missed my brother in law and he shouldn't worry that she's fighting with us because he had nothing to do with us or whatever. my brother in law got mad, he's like honestly you fight with my bro you fight with me, i don't like you at all and he ain't ever going back to her home, all i can say is what goes around comes around. 

now on thanksgiving we went to a aunt's house and on the way back home my car broke down. the starter and alternator broke, so we towed the car to my mother in laws house cost 200$. my boyfriends aunt was gonna pay for it, but my step father in law argued with her and said he would pay for it and we would need to pay him back. GREAT, we have no money we just moved here because my mom had gone crazy and we just got a place because my step mother in law went crazy and now we have to pay for towing, when someone offered to pay for it as our christmas gift. i was upset. now our car is pretty much totaled. and we need to buy another one. great! 

my boyfriend has been trying to reach his uncle all weekend to go to work, but my phone reseted and lost his uncles number..then trying to call his uncle but the phone wouldn't let the call go through, so i think a new phone is in order. bills to pay and im going crazy over here. 

i found out that my mom and dad have out down themselves once more, not only turning family and friends against me but the one family that were like brother and parents to me, now they are against me to GREAT. 

on a more positive note my apartment is great!  <3 but i found out we are in the hood even though it looks like a perfectly great area.. but i guess not, ah well this place is still nice and the view of the city is incredible. 

oh and did i mention my baby is extra cranky because he is teething badly. GREAT! gosh i cant wait to get all the bad luck out of the way and get some good luck for a while. 

 

xo GAW <3

entry - 159


&& all you ever do is hurt our feelings repeatedly. the worst part is that you don't even realize it. you go about your day like everything's okay, while we are left in wonder.. waiting for the bomb to tick. *BOOM* there it is! you talk about respect, you talk about communication, you complain that we have neither of them in this home; how could we possibly?! we never get the opportunity to talk, to express how we feel, we can barely put one word in, before another wave hits us. so we vent on social networks through statuses and such, but out of respect we don't mention a name. but we can't even do that without you creeping our page. sometimes i wonder if you even know the meaning of the word respect. we barely utter a word to you, we go about our day, we do our chores and take care of our business.. you barge down screaming and yelling, an insult here and an insult there. now who disrespects? i understand its your home, but we are all human beings, we all have feelings. you have to stop being selfish and pitying yourself, and look at the bigger picture. i may have done wrong, but never to your face, maybe thats what hurts you the most. what hurts me is the yelling and the insults thrown at my face. the way you bash us without caring if we are there or not. the way you don't care about how anyone else feels, but yourself. you may be going through a rough patch in your life, but don't think your alone. it hurts me that i lost an uncle and you acted like you just didn't care, yet somehow i'm suppose to care about how your brother is dying. the thing is i do care, because i'm like that. despite all the drama i do wish he will be okay. it hurts that you cant even do the same. 
even if you warn us before hand of your misfortune and how you may misbehave, it certainly doesn't make it okay. blaming us for your relationship turning sour... i'm sorry but you managed to pull that one off all by yourself, you certainly didn't need our help to do it. 

words cannot describe how much you have all surprised us!

 

entry - 158

dear readers,
so basically today is going to be a pretty long day. my boyfriend has temporary work with his uncle today and possibly tomorrow, it may become permanent but its not for sure yet. of course thats good news, but i'm sure going to miss having him around; considering that i've had him at home with me for half a year now.

last night i got one hour of sleep at most, i just couldn't seem to get myself to go to bed. i'm sure as hell paying the price today. i'm exhausted right now, and the worst part is that today is a plan filled day. this morning i had to drive my boyfriend to work out of town. a 1 hour drive normally without traffic. so that was pretty crappy with traffic. plus i was in a rush to get back home in time for the sceptic tank people to come clear up the tank. i made it right on time. when i got home the guy was already here prepping stuff. at the same time i needed to feed my son and take care of the guy. once he left i needed to clean the basement and do laundry. i still have the upstairs to clean, its half down. well basically i only have the dishes left to do, cleaning the stove top and counter top. everything needs to be cleaned up because my step mother-in-law is coming back from her trip today and she can be pretty bitchy when it comes to clean. so everything needs to be done according to her standards. i need to take care of the dogs because i don't believe that my father-in-law or my boyfriend have done so yet. i'll be getting to that soon. my son is going to bed at 11ham and i was really hoping to catch a little nap, but i'm not too sure i'll even get the chance to. because his morning nap is only an hour long, and i still got the dogs and the dishes to do. laundry needs to be put away soon. by then my son will be awake and needing to be fed and taken care of. once all is done i need to go to town and do some errands, mainly grocery shopping and such, then put that away take care of my son, then finally his afternoon nap at 3hpm. by then i might get to have a nap too, depending on when my boyfriend finishes work. if he's done at 5h30 then ill only get a half hour nap. BUTTT mean while i do need to eat and such... sooooo i doubt ill ever even get a nap at all... until tonight. depressing! one thing is for sure i cannot wait to sleep tonight. im completely and utterly exhausted. 

well hope everyone else is having a better day. <3

xo