beachbumgalx , 21

Entry - 098


Dear Kiwi Readers,
Okay so since pretty much Wednesday at noon I started getting contractions, we are now Friday 3 hours away from noon and I'm still having contractions. Total of 48 hours! Now I'm guessing they are braxton hicks, but it doesn't stop the fact that it really hurts. My water has busted yet, and I don't believe to have lost my mucous plug, but I do feel like I'm going to be giving birth real soon; well at least I'm half hoping, because I'm tired of these pains. But its simply the beginning.. god that's depressing. So anyways last night me and my mother decided to get Christmas lights for my tree, because we know that the baby can arrive any moment, and once he is into this world, I highly doubt I'll have time to decorate the house or the tree. So we went to Wal-Mart and like Oh my god. I was just going nuts so many beautiful decorations. I found the perfect lights for the tree. They are blue and white and the bulbs are snowflakes. I didn't even care that they were kind of expensive because frankly they looked so beautiful. So when I got home last night we put up the tree and the decorations. So now its all down. and it looks simply pretty! I can't stop looking at it. As for today, I'm pretty bored.. my fiance's at work..and I'm pretty scared because I'm still having contractions! So if my water breaks and he isn't here it will be chaotic. Thank god my mother isn't two far away. But thats besides the point. And I'm sure my dog wouldn't be too helpful either. Well at least my bags are packed just in case. So I don't have to worry about to much. The less things on my mind the better. I'm feeling quite uncomfortable right now though, with all the pains it seems like anything I do or any position I'm in doesn't manage to take away the pain at all. There is really nothing I can do.. so unfair! Ha ha! Anyways I'll try to get some rest, just in case I go into labor soon, because then there won't be any time to rest! 
Have a nice day!

Entry - 098


Dear Kiwi Readers,
Well I'm quite relieved! My fiance contacted his father last night and asked him if we could borrow some money to help us out with bills, because we were short on cash. His dad passed the phone to his fiance, to whom we had to explain the situation to. That my fiance was sick 4 days this month because of bronchitis, that our car insurance bill had just came in and we had to pay for two months worth. So we were short of 365$. Like we had mentioned to her we do not expect them to lend us the full 365$ we would be satisfied even if they borrowed us 100$, we would try to figure something out. We've explained how my employment insurance money isn't guaranteed to come in this month even though the reports are filed. We've also explained how we had to cover the cost for medicine as well for my fiance's bronchitis which doesn't come cheap may I add, thank god for health insurance, but still that's besides the point. We've also made it clear that we will pay them back once times get less tough. She cut us off right there, and told us that first of all, she is giving us the money not borrowing. So she never wants to see it again, we are family and we should help each other out is what she made clear to us. Plus she also said that she isn't giving 100 or even 365 she is gonna give us 500$ and doesn't want us to pay her back! We were both stunned at this reaction, and of course entirely grateful. We were surely not expecting this at all. We were both nervous wrecks before we made the call, because we hate having to bug people for money, but eh social services refused to help us for this month and times are harder right now. So we got the guts to call in for a favor without expecting to get help in return. Because after all they don't have to. But instead we got off the phone with amazing news. I tell you this women is amazing. For my fiance's birthday she gave him 200$. Then for the baby shower she gave us a stroller and 300$..which we are using for the circumcision of our son. She payed our train tickets 300$ worth to go back home for my father-in-law's birthday, and now she is giving us 500$ for bills to help us out. I feel so bad I mean she is spending loads here. Even if she doesn't mind and even though I know that to her its like giving away a dollar. It still makes me feel pretty bad. But even though she doesn't want us to pay her back, like I said to my fiance we will do something else for her. She won't accept money, so we will have to buy her something. I'm not sure what yet, but when I find it I'll know! And my fiance agrees as well, because this women is a life saver, a true angel. She doesn't have to do everything she is doing for us now. But she chooses to do it anyways and thats just special. So today she is going to the bank to deposit 500$ into our bank account. Which we should get whether today or if not within the next 3 business days. This is such a relief to us, because now we know for sure that we do not have to worry about our bills. Its one less stress on me and the baby! 
Now all I have to do is concentrate on feeling well, getting the apartment ready for the holidays, get my credit card payed off and just keep doing my employment insurance reports. 
Last night I felt so happy, not only did I know we were financially safe, but I decided to go to Wal-Mart to get some anti heartburn medication, because let me tell you the heartburn is getting really bad lately. Now that I'm closer to delivering. So that was a relief! But while I was there I needed some cover up because I had just ran out. I tried to make it last as long as I could, but I was just trying to make the impossible happen. The bottle was clearly empty. So I went into the makeup aisle and let me tell you; I haven't bought makeup in years. Actually looking and buying good makeup I haven't done in at least 3 years. Only thing I would ever get would be whatever cover up is available and cheap, not minding if its good for my skin or not (even though I should be more careful because of my troubled skin) as for mascara well, that I would get at the dollar store for a buck. Eye shadow and so on I had gotten for Christmas one year in a big pack. So I mean anything cheap and basically crappy. But tonight I went in there and decided to treat myself. After all this was my credit card and my first big purchase was for my fiance, yet nothing for me. I just wanted to feel beautiful and just take care of myself like I usto. So I went in just not caring how much it would cost. I didn't buy everything I wanted, but I bought the basics for now. Once I pay off my credit card then I'll go back and buy some more. But for now I'm quite content. I was careful as to which cover up I bought. I wanted something good for my skin that would help my skin beautify itself instead of destroying itself, because you see last year I got laser acne treatments done, and it had cost 200$ so I really don't want that to go to waste and being pregnant as beautified my skin, and I just want to make sure it just keeps getting better and not worst. So I got mineral foundations. I got a concealer, a perfecting foundation, with a finishing touch powder and a little bronzer, I got good mascara that makes your lashes longer and just fuller and a nice lip gloss that makes your lips more fuller and bigger. When I got home I just couldn't wait to put it all on. I took off my old makeup right away and started applying the new one, the finishing result was GORGEOUS! I couldn't believe it! I looked so beautiful. I added on, my blush that I already had and loved. With some high shadow that gave it a mild smoky eye and it was simply nice. My fiance was so pleased even though at first he wasn't all happy with the amount it was adding up to, but like I tried explaining to him the amount it cost me was actually pretty reasonable and cheap compared to what could have been. It cost me all together only for my makeup roughly 60$. So I thought that wasn't too bad, considering that it made me feel like a million bucks. Now I promised myself that even once I'm a mother I will never let myself go like I had these past few months. Because I deserve to feel beautiful, I don't deserve to lock myself in the house in my PJ's thinking I'm ugly, because I'm not. So once I pay off some of the amounts of my credit card, which is more likely this month. I'm going to get a pedicure which I haven't gotten in 3 years, possibly a manicure as well. Then I want to get my hair done professionally a nice cute and color. And finally once I lose some of the baby weight I'm going shopping whether to winners, or back to the big city. For my favorite store that's actually very cheap. I also plan on going to the city this winter to bring my son to see his grandma and uncle (Unfortunately his grandpa will be in Portugal for the holidays). So now I'm hoping to give birth like NOW so that I have time to lose some of the weight by Christmas so that I can go to the city visit family and buy nice clothes. =) 
The best part of it all my fiance is encouraging me to do so as well. Because he wants me to feel good about myself and lately it hasn't exactly been the case. So its nice to have his support. Life is finally panning out the way we wanted it to and thats just a great joy to us both.
Now the biggest part of all is waiting for the arrival of our beautiful son Cristiano, whom we cannot wait to greet.
Have a nice morning! =)

Entry - 097


Dear Kiwi readers,
Okay so now I'm pretty pissed, I had written a long blog, and the internet window closed on me. So now I must restart all over again. WHY!? Ah well, things happen. So I'm pretty busy lately like always, but a lot less then before. This Thursday I must go pay my car insurance down payment, which I keep pushing aside, I guess its just because I really don't want to let go that beautiful money.. 365$ is a lot and it hurts to have to spend that much on something that I don't see getting used that much. On Saturday at 12h I'm going to get the baby car seat installed. That way everything for the baby is officially ready. Then I need to do my employment insurance report, which only takes a few minutes of my time. And finally install my Christmas tree, if my mother doesn't forget, because she still needs to go underneath the stairs and pull it out. But hopefully we get to do that. I was half hoping to go see A Christmas Carole in theaters before we install the tree, because right now there isn't any snow on the ground or any characteristics that make it look like the holidays are at our door step. Only thing is the trees are naked. Even the weather is quite mild compared to the norm, or at least I find so. I know its a little early to install a Christmas tree, but you see I like the holidays, my dog loves the snow (husky) and really I have no other time to install the tree, because I'm expecting any day now really, and if the baby arrives, I certainly will not have time to put up a tree, not with a newborn child, its a lot of work being a mother and especially a first time mother. A lot to adjust to, thats for sure. My fiance is working all weekend, since his new shift starts this weekend. so from now on I will only see him late at night. He works from 9 in the morning till 8 at night. From Saturday to Tuesday, therefore he has Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off. Which is great because this means I will have him with me for the Holidays. Which otherwise I wouldn't have because the call center doesn't close on Holidays. So that makes me happy.
Tonight my fiance is suppose to call his father to borrow money if he doesn't forget. So thats quite nerve racking for me, because I'm hoping he will be able to help us yet I'm not a 100% sure he will. He never said no to his son before, but he always complained or hesitated which that I agree with him for. Its just we need the money and it makes me nervous if we don't get it. Because we have no clue when my employment insurance checks will come in, or how much I'll be getting, let alone if I'm going to be getting the full months worth, considering I did one report late.
As for family wise, well my mother has a feeling that I will be giving birth the 25th of November, why I have no clue, but she has that feeling. I just think I will have the baby the first week of December, and not later, but these are all just suspicions, even though I'm half hoping my mom's will be right. This way my son will be a month old around Christmas and a lot more awake, besides I`m getting tired of being heavy and sick all the time. Being pregnant is a long very LONG process and quite a tiring one. 
Anyways I`ll be going to bed! Have a nice day.

Entry - 096


Dear Kiwi Readers,
Through everything going not so much on our side lately its finally nice to see the sun showing us some glimpses of hope. You see even though social services refused to help us because of stupid government ideals instead of making a proper investigation we got some bit of good news on Saturday. I had applied for Employment Insurance last week on Tuesday with little hope on whether I would get accepted or not; due to the fact that I wasn't sure that I had enough hours to cover me. I had been off work since the 4th of October due to my heart condition, and only got the chance to apply for the Insurance on Tuesday. I had high doubts that I would get accepted and that truly scared me because if I didn't get some kind of income I wasn't too confident that we would be able to afford not only our life style, but our child and this home in its entity. My fiance's salary could barely cover our expenses and now with the car insurance as a plus to that we can afford it but by cutting down on other necessities such as food. But what about when the baby comes, there is no way we can afford diapers, formula, food and other expenses. Which clearly meant that I would have to go back to work within 3 months to 6 months of my maternity leave. We were sincerely hoping for a year of maternity leave. These were all down falls and really just crushing our hopes and dreams of what we thought our life would be. See I wouldn't mind working after my maternity leave but my fiance wants me to be a stay at home mom and extend our family. Which I wouldn't mind either but if we can't afford me being off work now, not even for my maternity leave then I can't even imagine being a stay at home mom. So my fiance has been considering his father's offer..moving back to the big city, into a house with his father and new step mom. We would have the basement, that'd be our home. Only expenses to car for would be our car insurance, phone bills, the baby and food. We wouldn't have to worry about things such as rent. And sure that would give us a head start into a life style we wanted but couldn't manage to make it work the first time, but you see I think a lot about what could happen and frankly that doesn't seem like quite a good idea anymore. I mean what happens if his father breaks up with his fiance (considering he that he's not that nice of a guy when he drinks) and since she is the one with the money we would be forced to move out, then where would we go. What if he can't manage to get a job with his father.. I mean his father had promised him a job before but never bothered looking into it. So we had no good source of income and we had to move back here. What about all of those little what ifs. We need to figure out everything before we get ourselves in another mess, especially now with a baby on the way. Its not a time to just jump into things without really thinking about the advantages and inconveniences. What about when we want to be alone and not be bothered. That won't always be the case sometimes I'll want to go out and his father will have other plans in mind and I know he will take his father's side well I think he might. What about privacy, there won't be any. And last but not least, what about being with family all the time, it causes tension and fights, its how it was with my parents and his mother before so I have no reason to believe that it will be otherwise this time. I'm too independent plus at least here I have a babysitter my mother. (even though my fiance says if we move there I can be the stay at home mom I wanted to be) The advantages would be to save money of course and get the life we wanted. But the big city will be more dangerous for our child. We are always going to consider this offer because it is a nice offer but I'm not so sure that it would be a great idea. At least not yet. 
So that's why I gotta pretty relieved when I received a letter of acceptance for Employment Insurance this Saturday, because this meant we wouldn't be forced into making a decision quickly without considering every possibility. Because finally I would be getting a small source of income. I was surprised to get a letter so soon normally its a lot slower, but I guess since I had be off work since October 4th because of an illness and that my records of employment had been sent out a long time ago by my employers themselves, it just quickened the process for me, by weeks. I had applied Tuesday got the letter Friday but only seen it on Saturday, so that's only 4 days. So Saturday I got to file to reports for my Insurance and my next report is going to be Saturday. So 3 reports filed and because I have direct deposit I won't have to worry about the wait of getting the check because the process is quicker and its directly into my bank. So I can't wait to see my first check to see how much I will be receiving.
My fiance is still going to ask his father for money for this month, even if I get my Employment Insurance checks, because I'll use my checks to pay off my credit card as much as I can. That way I can use it for other things. Plus it gives me a good name. Plus with Christmas on its way, I'll be able to use the credit card to buy a few last minute decorations like Christmas lights, and then a gift for my mom and dad. So this is starting to look like a beautiful holiday season.
Well I'm off, Have a nice afternoon.

Entry - 095


Dear Kiwi Readers,
Another day at home, waiting for the day to pass by. Now this might sound awfully boring to you, but in fact its not so bad at all. I get some peace and quiet time to myself to think things over, to relax, take it easy and just enjoy. Now that may not always be the case of course. Often I end up sleeping, getting bored and lonely. But other days I just end up enjoying this special time to be by myself before the baby comes and before my fiance comes home from work. Because of course I love him to death, but sometimes its nice to be by myself in the quiet; when he gets home its a lot more lively and noisy for sure.
I'm so stressed lately, it seems like everything is going down hill from here and it scares me a whole lot. The fact that we may not be able to pay rent this month at all, is one of the scariest thoughts for me. The government refuses to help, and I have no idea when my unemployment insurance will kick in. So in the meantime my fiance is suppose to ask his father for some money in order to help us through this rough patch. The thing is, his father is a little bit of a tight wade which is quite fine, but it makes me nervous considering that I have no idea if he will want to help us out. You see his dad is loaded, so for him it would be like giving us a penny. I'm not asking to be given money, simply loaned which we will payback once the rough patch gets easier. In fact I hate borrowing money from people I'm more of the independent type, but right now I'm forced to be the contrary of that statement. You see I cannot be independent at all.. I need to rely on family and friends for support, on my fiance for house chores, on family members for financial aid because the government is surely not helping, I guess I should of expected that, but for some stupid reason I seemed to think otherwise. I guess I was just the only naive person thinking that the government was good and helpful. But look everyone makes mistakes, mine was believing in something that doesn't exist. But I learnt my lesson.
Anyways I will be going to sleep now, have a nice day!