beachbumgalx , 21

Entry - 147 


"can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now.. wish right now, wish right now.. can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now.. wish right now, wish right now.."


some nights i find myself looking up at the stars, wishing that things can be as simple as they usto be. when i usto believe that every child around the world had the luxuries i had; the luxuries that i have taken for granted: loving parents, good education, people that loved and cared for me, people who steered me into the right direction in life, that made sure i would not get into trouble, a safe place to call home. but once again i am reminded of how untrue this is. tonight as i was sitting on my balcony, enjoy the beautiful night sky, i layed eyes onto 5 young children in there early teens attempting to high jack a car. as i was watching them from my second floor balcony, they attempted my car; who thank goodness was locked, and then i saw them go from car to car in hopes of getting into at least one, so that they may have the time of their lives trashing the possessions of a hard working tax paying citizen. at first i was quite angry at them for trying to commit such a hateful crime, but then my mind wandered to more deep thoughts... 

where were the parents of those children? why were they wandering the streets of town a this time at night? they were so young! what made them so miserable and unhappy to want to cause harm to other people? 

my mind started imagining how their lives must be like, for them to rather live the life of a criminal. this is what i pictured: 

maybe... they got beat my their alcoholic father or mother. no one really cared for them or even cared for what became of them. they ran with the wrong crowd, who made them feel wanted, who became their family. they would stick together through thick and thin, back each other up. they needed a bit of money so they broke into cars in hopes of finding a wallet, maybe a valuable object that could be sold for a good amount of money. and by god why not destroy their beloved car, if they had to live a painful, abusive life.. if they had to suffer then so should the rest of the world for letting this happen to them. for taking their innocence away. it wasn't fair... 

and of course this is just hypothetically, but who really knows what was going through those boys mind tonight. who knows how their lives at home is like. but this can certainly be a possibility. nothing in the world is perfect, and life isn't always just and fair. 

i felt quite bad for those boys, because clearly they did not grow up with a very positive adult figure, with an idol someone who they could look up to for guidance. they just had no idea what they were getting themselves into. this crime could lead to much worst things. and if by chance they made it to the good side of life, this crime could haunt them for the rest of their lives, i don't believe that they were really thinking about how this could affect them in the long run and for that i have sincere regret for those poor lost boys. i hope that they find themselves and straighten out their lives, because right now it isn't looking to promising. and for the parents of those boys... i have no idea what to tell you, but be a parent and if you have raised them well then 5 stars to you; sometimes things just happen, but if by chance you haven't done all that you can, then shame on you!


"can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now.. wish right now, wish right now.. can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now.. wish right now, wish right now.."

entry - 146

... THINGS NEVER GO ACCORDING TO PLANNED. SO WHY EVER WORRY ABOUT PLANNING AHEAD. PEOPLE WHO SAY, "IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN TO ME I THINK I WOULD..." EXACTLY YOU *think*. SOMETIMES OUR MIND WONDERS OFF INTO LA-LA LAND PREPARING ITSELF FOR EVERY POSSIBLE SITUATION/OUTCOME, GETTING US ALL WORKED UP, BUT WHENEVER THE TIME COMES WE NEVER REACT ACCORDING TO PLAN. 
THIS WEEKEND WE SHOULD GO TO THE BEACH, WE SHOULD GO KAYAKING.. BUT WHENEVER THE TIMES COMES THERE'S A BIG THUNDERSTORM AND YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO. WHY PLAN, WHY NOT JUST GO WITH THE FLOW AND WHENEVER THE TIME COMES JUST WING IT.
IF ID WIN THE 649 I WOULDN'T ACT CRAZY LIKE ALL THOSE PEOPLE.. WHEN THE TIME COMES YOU ACT JUST AS CRAZY IF NOT MORE, YOU BECOME ONE OF THEM. WE ALWAYS THINK OF OURSELVES AS NORMAL; DEEP DOWN WE ARE ALWAYS ONE OF THEM. 
IF SOMEONE WERE TO DIE I WOULD DROP THE PHONE, RUN TO THE CAR AND JUST DRIVE AWAY FROM MY PROBLEM... BUT WHEN THE TIME COMES WHO HAS THE TIME TO DO ALL OF THAT, YOU END UP DROPPING TO THE FLOOR CRYING YOUR EYES OUT IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
IF YOUR LOVED ONE ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM/HER I WOULD BE SO HAPPY AND YELL AND SCREAM YES... BUT WHEN THE TIME COMES YOU BLUSH QUIETLY AND NOD YES.
SO WHY DO WE TRY SO HARD TO PLAN AHEAD, TO MAP OUT ALL THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES, EVEN WHILE KNOWING THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES YOU WILL NOT REACT THE WAY YOU HAD PLANNED. ISN'T IT A PERFECT WASTE OF TIME. THEN AGAIN SOME WOULD THINK THAT WRITING DOWN IN A BLOG OR DIARY IS A WASTE OF TIME. TO EACH THEIR OWN OPINION I SUPPOSE.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I HATE HOW MY MIND WONDERS OFF PLANNING OUT EVERY POSSIBILITY OF EVERY SITUATION WHEN I KNOW DEEP DOWN IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN THAT WAY. IT COULD BE BECAUSE MY MIND DOESN'T ONLY MAP OUT THE OUTCOMES TO ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT MAY HAPPEN, IT ALSO MAPS OUT THE OUTCOMES TO ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT MAY HAPPEN.. AND THAT JUST *sucks* PLAIN AND SIMPLE!

...OFF I GO! 

entry - 145


Dear Readers,
life peaceful moments! its times like these that i truly get to reflect on my life and notice the all the little things; the little gestures of kindness that people do for us, some of which after a while i tend to take for granted, or the little life beauties that make me so happy. the silence makes me face what my heart and mind do not always want to face.. reality. reality isnt always pleasant but it is what it is; and sometimes it is beautiful. for example my mother is going to be babysitting my son for a couple days (so far 3 scheduled days)..my mother being around and watching out for me, helping me out in as many ways as she can is something that i tend to take for granted. its something that i dont really appreciate everyday, because often times my mind clouds all those beautiful moments with all the bad moments we've shared. its simply one of those things that you truly realize whenever your stuck alone in the silence forced to think of everything and everyone. thats when you truly realize all that people have done or sacrificed for you to make you happy. and this is really one of them. 
im forced to realize that im in debt and money is very tight at the moment. thats not really something id like to face, but its something that i must really comprehend and deal with, i cannot always put it off. 
im forced to realize how much i love the water, the boating, and swimming, and even though ive tried to hide it from myself and tried forgetting, i realize that i will always have a hard time forgiving my father for taking that away from me. im forced to face that fact that i really want that life style back. 
im forced to face the fears i try to barry so deep inside; i havent gotten my period yet, and even though weve been taking some measures to ensure that i do not get pregnant again, i may not have truly took every precautions that i should have. im forced to feel remorse, fear that i may have become pregnant once again. dont get me wrong i love my child its just i dont really see myself getting pregnant right away. i need a plan this time.. the first child was uncalled for, but we made it through. but if i were to be pregnant again, this would mean that i would get no maternity leave this time around... not good at all! with my boyfriend on unemployment himself its just not the time not with a 6 month old baby. maybe once my sons older so i may use all the baby furniture for the second child, but not now...

xo
 

ENTRY - 144


Dear Readers,
sometimes you believe you truly know someone, but in the end they are nothing like you thought they were. lets just say this weekend was filled with surprises. 
UNO
lets just say the debts keep pilling up and i cant seem to stay on top of them. seems as  though i keep spending on mad non sense when i really should be saving, but because of ongoing stress, i seem to find relief and joy in spending, which leads to me getting more debts, therefore more stress. vicious cycle if you ask me, one that i am not winning. hopefully this new month will change things around for me. because this is not how i want it to be. im seeing so many things im wanting to purchase things that could actually be useful to my household and i cannot purchase it at all, because im tied up on none sense, that even if i wanted to sell, would sell for less then half the retail price. giving me nothing in return. so i seem to have turned to smoking cigarillos which have brought to me a little calmness but none being ever lasting and of course more spending... when will this cycle ever end. i definitely hoping and struggling and fighting to stay on top this month, hoping to succeed at this for once.
DOS
my great uncle died this Saturday, one more down! in a years time, ive lost 3 great uncles.. most people would say its understandable considering that when it comes to great uncles they are starting to get much more older.. but you see my great uncles are in their early 50's and others barely hitting the 60 mark. so no they arent very, very old. for the most part they are dying from heart failures/conditions, and one from a blood clot. is this suppose to be some kind of punishment or is this some strange coincidence that they are all following each other. the last two where a month, a month and a half apart i believe. so you can see how i come to this conclusion.
TRES
my fiance has still not tried or even come close to finding a job, and it feels as though he is jealous that i am on maternity leave and get to stay home all day with my son. he doesnt seem to understand that even though i had a c-section its still the concept of giving birth. i dont think he truly understands that it takes the body a lot of time to come back from the process of pregnancy and birth. its not just a couple weeks it takes much longer and especially after a c-section. sometimes ill ask if he even looked for work and he tells me yes, but i have a strong feeling that hes just saying that to shut me up and that really he hasnt looked for anything, but since i was sound asleep i have no proof to back me up. so this is a quite frustrating process if you ask me.
QUATRO
these past few weeks ive been quite sick, all over soreness, very soft skin, sore bones, sensitive skin, weakness, tiredness and believe me ive never felt this terrible before. a few days ago i even got starting throwing up twice. im not quite sure whats going on with my body, but even if i went to the doctor's right now and even if they had found something im sure i wouldnt be able to pay for the medicine considering that im quite short on rent because my fiance's EI cut some money off his last cheque for deductions that were forgotten in the beginning. 
CINCO
im behind on so many things. i need to declaw and neuter my cat, i need to pay avon (now with the credit bureau for that), cellphones, cable, credit line, and credit cards, the government for an income tax error, my college, and soon rent. so stressful
SEIS
my grandpa is back into the hospital once again. i cannot believe it, again! i know that until his dies he is going to be going in and out of the hospital a lot.. but its just i hate seeing him like this. so thats another stress factor to deal with. 
SIETE
my fiance's cousin was going out with this one girl for like a year or so, and he loved her like theres no tomorrow, they had a baby girl together.. and her birthday is july 4th her first birthday, turns out his girlfriend cheated on him for god knows how long and when he confronted her she just left with the child without a word. so know who knows where she is and where the child is. this women seemed ever so sweet and harmless before, but apparently she has always been a party girl, she seemed so respectful yet she went over to her mother in laws house before the breakup and cussed her out while picking up all of her daughters things. no respect whatsoever for anyone in her path. im not sure what went wrong but she has just gone wild. i cant even recognize her anymore. i feel so sorry for him because hes just worried sick wondering where is daughter is, why she left him and let alone cheat on him. and all this happened on friday  the 25th just 9 days away from his daughters first birthday. i feel so sorry for him but most of all for that innocent baby whose simply stuck in the middle. the mothers now threatning to move to a totally different province hours/days away from him, so if she brings the child he has no chance of seeing her. so know he has to fight for the right to see his daughter, but most of all he believe he wants full custody for his daughter considering that she seems quite misfit at the moment and not responsible considering that all she wants to do is party. 
LAST BUT NOT LEAST LIFE'S CRAZY, AND LIFE'S A BITCH, BUT WHAT CAN WE DO, BUT GO THROUGH IT!

xo 

entry-129

Dear Readers,
no one is ever satisfied with what they know. in some situations they have the right to know more but in others they do not. we are very curious beings, that cannot be denied. then again "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT".. it is not always good to know everything or in some cases see everything. 
there is different depths of curiosity.. mainly, moderate or strong. let me give you an example! :
friday night in my neighborhood, there was a peculiar situation going on. it seemed like a very normal friday evening, we were on the balcony relaxing, when quite a few cops showed up, gearing up in our parking lot. then came the road block, and then the swat team showed up, getting out of the truck and walking to a home a few blocks away. now being a bite curious myself i decided to stay on my balcony to see what may happen, while on the phone with my mother telling her every detail of whats going on. as some being moderately curious were on the side walk close to the policeman asking him some questions, while just gazing down the road hoping to see a glimpse of whats going on. on the other hand those strongly curious were walking right past the officers trying to get as close as can be. now don't get me wrong being curious can be a good thing, when it comes to stuff like your education; asking questions wanting to know more about specific points of interest can become very rewarding. but when it comes to your safety you should know when its time to stop. walking into the blocked off area is just ridiculous, there's a swat team surrounding a home, and cops are blocking off roads, aren't bells ringing in your head telling you that maybe you shouldn't be getting close; cops are all geared up with armor and your there unprotected hoping to find out more, maybe its just not intelligent to go snoop around this is clearly not a place to be, when cops are not wanting to be there themselves, its definitely time to flea the area, run the other way! 
ever watch a scary movie where the main character hears a scary noise and instead of running the opposite way you see them approaching the noise (most people are thinking what are you doing stupid run the opposite way your clearly gonna get hurt.. and thats just a movie! but i guess not everyone's the same because theres still people going towards the noise) this was definitely one of those moments. actually this reminds me a lot of the media, whenever they stand practically right next to a tornado to tell you theres a tornado in the area, why not just put a damn picture of a tornado and tell you its coming near, everyone knows what a damn tornado looks like!! well thats definitely another situation where a human beings inside alarm had malfunctioned, otherwise they wouldn't have put themselves in danger for a paycheck that isn't much different then anyone else's.
but like my grandma always says " IT TAKES ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE TO MAKE A WORLD" and now i know exactly what she means, although she doesn't quite realize to what extent her statement brings truth!