brittini , 25

I don't even know where to being; everything is so messed up.

First of all, I got "hired" at Grove Staffing for some temp work the beginning of this month. The thing is, their not sending me anywhere to work yet because "it's slow right now". They told me to keep calling in every couple days to let them know I'm still avaliable so I've been doing so & still nothing. A couple weeks ago, I decided to go ahead and post a job-wanted ad on Craigslist & Backpage to see if anyone could hire me for some temp or part-time work. I've been getting a lot of offers but most are just scams. I did get this one good offer, an at-home data entry position that pays $10 an hr. PERFECT! I got all set up with it and everything. Was supposed to start today. I tried to open a file that was sent to me and oh wait.. it won't open! How come? Because the version of Excel that I have is a trial version and is an old POS 2003 one and the one I need to open the files with is the 2007 one. Great. So looks like I'm not able to do this data entry work after all. RIGHT when something is starting to look up, it goes bad. Oh and not to mention that my trial version is up this Friday. I'm going to have to end up buying the whole Microsoft Office package anyway which is about $160. At first I thought, 'Okay, well, I can go ahead and start this data entry stuff, get paid my $200 and then go ahead and buy the new, updated version of all this Microsoft Office stuff and I'll be set.' But nope, I can't even get started on it because my trial excel is and old POS and won't open the damn files!!! So there goes that plan down the fucking toilet.

Oh, and not to mention I've been trying to get all set up so I can enroll in the Spring Semester of college, which begins January 29th. I highly doubt I'll even get to do this whole college thing. I'm going for a Bachelors Degree in Photography at the Academy of Art University. Well, I found out it's going to take 4 years to get the degree, of course, most degrees do. Each semester is going to be around $12,000, that's just an estimate from what the prices gave on the website. I contacted someone today about how much the entire thing is going to be so I know exactly how much I'm going to need from financial aid, student loans and all that. They haven't emailed me back yet. I was looking online about student loans and I found this thing at Wells Fargo, open up a college checking account for $100. I'm going to TRY to do that so whenever I apply for a student loan, I can do apply with them and keep putting money in that savings account so whenever the time comes to pay them back, I can pay them back with that money. Plus, it'll be drawing intrest AND i read if I pay them back using my own account, they'll give me a 25% discount. Sounds good!! The thing is, I don't have the $100 to start my account with!! And if I could do this data entry job, I would have that $100 in no time.

Plus, I owe almost $500 on my stupid cell phone bill. I called in and canceled my plan a while back ago. I haven't been paying on it though because my parents keep taking my money. They owe me $70 so far. Which, I don't mind helping them out because they are there for me, it's just we're in such a low position and every little thing is just so horrible that nothing is getting better. My mom went last Friday to apply for jobs but the places she found online to go apply at, wern't there anymore. Everything is such a vicious cycle. As soon as things start to look up, they come crashing down even harder than before and there's nothing that can be done to fix it in time. No matter how hard we try, or what we do. It's all causing sooo many problems. We're all always in a pissy mood, aggravited with one another, fed up with everything. I'm always seening my mom cry every now and then even when she thinks I don't see it. My sister is miserable. My dads always slamming doors and cussing. I seriously don't know how much more of it all I can take, I don't know how much more any of us can take.

We went to church yesterday and during the prayers and silent prayers, I started tearing up and felt like I was about to bust out crying. After church we went overmy Nana's house to change clothes since we were going to this little outside dilly that Carnival Cruiselines were putting on and while I was in the bathroom changing my clothes, I couldn't help but let it all out. I was standing there crying really bad trying to change my clothes. At the same time, I was trying to hold it all back because I had to go back out and face everyone and I didn't wanna start talking about it all. Talking about it only makes things worse. Seriously. Everytime we all try to talk it all out, it turns into bigger arguements, makes problems worse. It's soo hard to be happy anymore and I don't wanna keep acting this way because I don't wanna bring the people around me down but I can't fake it. I feel sick all the time, I always wanna throw up. I have headaches all the time, ones that pills donothing for. I can barely sleep and when I do I have horrible nightmares most of the time. The only time that I can sleep decent are when I'm staying with Zach and sleeping in his arms. He makes me feel so good. But we can't always be together, he's extremly busy and has his own problems. And when we are together, I feel like I bring him down and he really doesn't need that.

I wish I could make everything all better, make everyone happy and give everyone what they need and want. But I can't. I can't do anything at all. I feel so useless, so worthless, un-needed, alone, hurt, angry, depressed, sad. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. I don't even drive. I don't even have my license. I've been trying to save for a car but that's not going well at all. I'm stuck, I've been stuck and can't do anything to get un-stuck. All of this kills me inside sooo bad. I try not to let it show but most of the time I can't help it. Esp around Zach. I really don't wanna dump everything out on him but he's the only one I feel the most comfortable around and I know everytime I do, it adds more on him. I don't wanna do that. I don't want our relationship so go sucky. I love him with everything I am and have never been this way about anyone before. I feel really close to him. I need him, I can't live without him. We argue alot, mostly it's my fault. I think too much, I call him way too much because I'm so unhappy here. I'm ruining everything and at the same time trying SO HARD not to.

Anyway, I'm ending this. I'm sure theres something else messed up that I left out but oh well.


& kit kat, i love you soooooo much. thank you for EVERYTHING. you are seriously THE bestest friend i'll ever have. you help me a LOT. thank you. <3

i love zach so much. he makes me feel tons better then im around him. AAAHHHHHH boyfriend <3 i just wish i was around him more often and he didn't work so much. :[

so, i finally am starting my photography business! :D i designed and ordered my business cards and made a myspace for it. feel free to check it out and add it: http://www.myspace.com/centralsilentphotography

i'm trying to hunt for photography contests to enter and win some cash also. so, if you know of any, PLEASE let me know!

bux.to never has sent my money. freekin rip off that was. pft. whatever.

Supernatural is on tonight :D

i wish we could just through phones and computers. there would be no use for cars then = not as much pollution :D

okay, ending this.

<3