brittini , 25

I have a panic / anxiety disorder which causes me to sometimes throw up when I get nervous, scared, feel uneasy, or uncomfortable. I've had it since I was in 3rd grade and in high school made me have bulimia. I've tried taking meds for it but they didn't help all that much.


I'm shy, quiet and like to keep to myself pretty much unless I feel really close to someone. I can talk to people better online than in person or over the phone. I feel more like I can open up better that way. I don't like to talk on the phone, it makes me feel funny. I'm not stuck-up, I just never know what to say. I don't trust many people because I've learned most are selfish and only care about themselves & most end up hurting or leaving you. I'm not stuck-up I swear, I just never, ever know what to say.


I like to feel and smell the outside air. I love having windows open, insence & candles going and, depending on my mood, I like to have music on or just silence and listen to the outside noises. I also love the outside air and the smell of cigarettes, but I don't smoke. It all makes me feel comfortable and happy. I love being by myself during times like this, it just feels better.


I love museums, symphonies, classical music. I used to play the clarinet in middle school and at one point tought myself how to play the flute over the summer. I would LOVE to get my own flute! :D


Things bug me. A lot. & I get irritated easy. My mind wonders easily. I get bored a lot and complain about it. Eff.. I complain anyway. I try to see the good side of things but a lot of bad gets in the way and makes it hard. I'm not a very stong person, physically, mentally and emotionally. I think about things way too much and that usualy causes problems. I have mood swings out the hizzy, I'm so happy one minute and the next I'm very down, depressed, sad, mad, annoyed or something. I get hot and cold flashes quiet often.


I love cats!! I'm most deff a cat person. I swear I'm gonna be one of those lonely little old ladies with a bajillion cats sitting on my front porch in a swing talking to myself. I like dogs too but to a point. As long as I don;t have to touch them or mess with them too much, I like em. I do have two dogs that I love though but even they get on my nervs. I can't stand all the hyper, jumping, licking, peeing-everywhere, stinkingness of dogs. They just seem dirtier and cats seem so much cleaner and fancier. :P


I take showers daily. I can't stand when people don't take showers often or are VERY messy. I'm not Danny Tanner-like but I can get pretty close!


I have dial-up. We've tried to get highspeed or DSL but its "not avaliable in our area". This compuer is verrrry old, we've had it since I was about 14 / 15 years old (I'm 21 now). The monitor is messing up. My mouse sticks. Loading things takes forrrrever.


I get headaches a LOT. Why? I don't know.


I get sick a lot. I get sick if I don't get enough sleep, if I get too much sleep, if i'm in crowds (depends on the type),


I wish every day someone would come in my life and change my world for the better & make me happy.


When its dead silence in a room and theres at least one other person around, I start feeling funny and like I'm breathing loud, hard and heavy.


I'm very different. I'm strange which most people have no idea about except those that I'm VERRRRRRRY close to. I say things that don't make any sense at all and act verrrrry strange. (just ask tootsie.) Most people would find it scary when I do this & are all "WTF?!?!". lol


I smack sometimes when I eat or chew gum.


I get paranoid a lot, like someones always looking at me, talking about me, listening to me talk or breathe, move or type.


I think people lie to me a lot.


I LOVE trains, the rain, lakes, parks, cemetaries and things like that. I wanna just go relax at all these places but I don't wanna go alone and it has to be "the one im with" that goes with me. I also wanna go "with the one" and just lay out in a huge, open field and just be. Not hafta talk or anything, just lay there and be. I also wanna lay outside on a car or something at night with "the one" and watch the night sky. None of this has ever happened yet.


When people talk a lot, it really bugs me. Esp when they go on and on and on about the same thing, or just keep talking about nothing. I do that a lot myself, but when I'm in "one of those moods" it realllly bugs me.


When I start to read a book, I usualy skip around. For some reason, I can't read straight through.


I say "I just don't even know.", "You just don't even know.", & "Hizzy in the wizzy!!!" a lot.


My favourite colors are black, silver, grey, brown and hot pink.


Sandwiches are my fave food.


Drinks: ice water, Mr. Pibb, Jones Soda (cream soda), & smoothies.


I take time to stop and smell flowers.


I love picnics!!!!!


I have a doll, Toby, that my grandpa (RIP Grandpa Bill!!) gave to me when I was about 2 years old. I sleep with him and carry him most places with me. Hes always been there for me. <3 I miss my grandpa. :[


I miss my fave cat in the whole wide world, Mr. Gracin Fatz. He died about 4 years ago in his sleep. He was the best cat i'll ever have, he was my best friend. He would sleep in bed with me and when he had to go potty, he would sit on me and meow in my face until i woke up and as soon as he saw my eyes open, he would go to the door and touch the door knob, look at me and meow. So we would go downstairs and he would potty, eat and drink a lil while I pottied and got fresh water then when we were both finished, we would go back upstairs and go to sleep. I love and miss you kitty!!! <33


Someday I hope to own a white tiger. :D


I usualy remember bad things more than good. :[


I repeat myself a lot.


My memory isnt too good anymore and I forget a lot of things.


I love going to concerts!!! I have a huge list of bands i've seen live. If you ever wanna see it, lemme know and i'll give you the link. I've also met quiet a few famous people & I have a list of that too. :P I feel the most comfortable at a concert. :D


I use nosespray and lip smackers allll the time and carry those two things around with me 24/7.


I have a scar on my left knee from when I slid off of the car when I was around 6 years old. My mom was washing it and I was in my lil mermaid bathingsuit, I wanted to get on the car cuz it was all wet and looked kool and fun, she told me "no brittini, you'll slide off and get hurt." But did I listen? Nope! Of course not. I got on the car anyway, slid off and cut my knee open on the front license plate and had to go to the hospital and get stitches.


I would loooove to travel!!! Places I wanna go to are: Seattle, France, California, Australia, England, Egypt, New York, Canada


I can cross my eyes, wiggle my ears and make my tongue be a taco.


Actors: Johnny Depp, Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson, Jared Leto, Bill Murray, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise


Actresses: Dakota Fanning (my daughter!), Jamie-Lee Curtis, Goldie Hawn, Alicia Silverstone


I have four piercings (bellybutton, left nostril, lest ear cartlege, right bottom lip) so far. I wanna get my tongue pierced too but i'm not 100% sure on that yet. I also have two tattoos (a heartagram on the inside of my left wrinst & an AFI / Care Bear tattoo on the inside of my right forearm) so far. I'm wanting more. :D


I get dizzy & have trouble breathing a lot.


I love how needles feel; getting piercings, tattoos, blood drawn, shots... things like that.


I dont drink, smoke, do drugs or drive.


I'm horrrrible at any type of math except for the normal stuff and even that I have to use my fingers and/or pencil and paper.


I love White Tea perfume & lotion. (from the Healing Garden series stuff)


I talk to myself sometimes.


I would love to have my own private masseuse!!! My back is constantly hurting all over. It needs a rub alll the freekin time.


I use a hair straightener.


I've been mentally & verbally abused by both my ex-best friend and my ex-bfs.


I can't swim.


I don't like liars, backstabbers, fakes, mean, selfish, close-minded people. But then again, who does?


I wanna live in an apt in downtown Seattle and work my way up to buying the house Kurt Cobain died in.


I wanna exercise but I don't wanna do it alone.


I miss the 90s. :[


I get bladder infections a lot.


The only makeup I wear is black eyeliner. I don't like all of that fuondation, mascera, blush crap. It makes my face feel nasty.


I care about other people a whole bunch. I try to help anyone and everyone out as much as I can. I'm really nice to everyone, even if someone bugs me, I'm still nice. I don't like being mean to anyone, even if their mean to me. Its just who I am.


I love kids!! The only two jobs i've had so far were working in Child Care Centers.


I'm part gypsy, english, irish, black dutch & german.


I looove astrology, the moon and stars.. all that kinda stuffs.


I would love to have someone that loves me as much as I do them and actually shows me but not overdo it. You overdo it, I'll get annoyed and it'll seem fake.


I do think that Courtney Love had something to do with Kurt Cobains death. I've always thought that I was ment to marry Kurt Cobain since I was little so therefore I've always said Kurt is my dead husband. :P

---

List of responders

---

Daze14, infinitesilence, SecretSunrise, tallahassee, xmikibugx

---

First of all, thanx everyone. *biiig hug* It means a lot that you guys are there for me. :] Sorry i havent been responding to yalls journals or making entires lately, i just haven't really been up to it.


so, me and zach, were okay i guess. we talk still and its all ok. i just really miss him like KRAZY! but this is good for us, gives him a chance do get his life together as well for me. just gotta see how everything goes.


my mom took the truck to the shop yesterday since its been making a strange noise, they said theres something wrong with the engine, something about the valves, and if we want to keep this truck we would need to get a whole new engine which would be about $5,000. The guy said

---

List of responders

---

brittini, SecretSunrise, skinny_jeans, xmikibugx

---

me and zach are over, for now anyway. i made a blog about it on myspace.

<3

---

List of responders

---

Daze14, infinitesilence, xmikibugx

---

its 5:38am. why am i up so damn early? i slept in the truck last night & had to get up at 5 so my mom could take my dad to work. your probally asking why i slept in the truck huh? well, zach didnt wanna come down these horrible roads i live down to come get me and my parents were asleep so i had to sleep here at home last night, tootsie wanted to sleep in her bed last night so i couldnt sleep there, the stupid bed/couch thing downstairs hurts my back, is TOOOO hard and everytime i move around and switch positions i wake up plus the stupid thing is all bouncy. also, my mom sleeps on the couch so she can get up and do her work on the computer at like 12am and i didnt wanna have her feet all at my face or hear her snore. so i just grabbed covers and a pillow and went and slept out in the truck. yes, it was VERY uncomfortable. i didnt sleep good at all. my back is killing me and i feel sick now cuz i kept waking up. this morning when my dad came out to the truck and woke me up, he said he put a mattress and a tv in my room so i can go sleep in there now if i want but i HATE it in there!!! my floor fukkin squeaks, my walls are shit and i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on in the house, my look like shit cuz when i was in middle school i wrote and drew all over the sheetrock, theres no panneling up or my walls arnt painted. i told my mom since we cant afford panneling right now, we should just buy some paint to i can paint my walls but nooooooooooooooooo she doesnt want my walls painted. she wants to just wait and put panneling up cuz she wants to be able to look at my "artwork" as she calls that shit (which isnt at all) and have the "memories" of it all. i cant STAND looking at it!!! its nt her fukkin room, its mine. i dont see why i have to be miserable in it, shes not the one that sees it all the time. it really pisses me off. im so fucking sick of living here. this soooooooo isnt how i want my life to be, im so miserable and depressed all the damn time. i feel like a failure since i have no job and i cant even get one, i dont fucking drive and i cant learn cuz my mom wont let me practice on the main roads and i cant use zachs car cuz its a standard, those things confuse the hell outta me! i have nothing. i cried myself to sleep last night pretty much. im just so sick of my life, i feel like i wanna kill myself most of the time. i cant do that though, theres no way. i feel like noone actually give a shit about me at all, they do to a point but everyones always worring about themselves, you know what i mean? im always thinking of everyone else before myself but then again i get called selfish cuz i wanna sleep in tootsies room for just the ONE NIGHT that im actually here at home. i dont get it. i just want my own fucking place, all to myself, me and my kitty. and not out in these fucking woods either. i cant stand it out here!!! theres nothing to do out here, no where to go, its too far to walk anywhere. i wanna move to dallas. theres these apartments i would LOVE to live in that are right by Central Market and across the street from Borders and all these other nice stores and food places. i wish i could just get away from everything. noone is actually there for me in the right way. yea, i have my family and zach but their just not there for me in that way that i need em. last night when i talked to zach, he was having trouble with stupid ass joey. joeys tryin to start shit between zach and jeff. zach said that the lil kid that helps jeff and joey out at the shop told him last night that joey knew the dirtbike was about to blow up, thats why he was selling it and he didnt even tell zach so zach thought i was fine so he bought it. freakin asshole. see, i knew joey wasnt good. i can read people without even knowing em, its a gift. lol then jeff told zach last night that when joey was leaving the shop, joey went "if he (meaning zach) comes over here and starts talkin shit, im gonna beat his ass." and zach hasnt even done anything to him at all. zachs only been helping the ass out. like tuesday night, he stayed out late helping joey with a truck. OH! and get this!! joey even called zach last night asking him if he could come help him with some stuff when he gets finished over at jeffs shop. TSH! he never called joey back, zachs done helping that asshole out. im soooo glad cuz stupid ass joey takes up a LOT of zachs time! now hopefully ill get to see him more again.joey probally got pissed off at zach and tried to start shit with him cuz jeys wife, brittanie, called zach tuesday night, LATE, asking if he knew where joey was. zach did so he told brittanie. joey was out drinkin. so when joey got home, him and brittanie got in a HUGE fight so now im guessing joeys blaming zach for their fight or something even though it was his own fault anyway. jerk.


omg! my mom just got back from taking my fucking dad to work and i made a little comment to my fucking self and she asked me "what?" so i told her im trying to find what the apts that are right by Central Market & she asked "why? so you can see how much they are?" but the tone of her voice and the way she said it was kinda pissy or something so i said "yea.. its not like i can move in em right now though." and she got all pissed off at me!!! now she sounds all down and shit and its making ME feel fucking guilty. im so sick of this damn place!!! EVERYONE here is so down all the time, it used to not be this way at all. everyone used to be so happy but now, everyones always soooooo pissed, depressed, yelling or something. now my moms fucking yelling at me and making me feel horrible. noone ever gives a shit about how i feel at all, i wanna run away. im going krazy, im fucking going crazy. i wanna leave, i just wanna get the fuck away from here. i HATE IT!!!!!!!!! nothing is changing, nothing has in fucking years, everything is just getting owrse and worse. im getting so upset and i feel like im gonna throw up, my head hurts so bad and im so fucking sleepy. why the hell isnt anything working for us?!?!?! WHY?!?!?! everything we try fucking fails!!! noone fucking understands that i CANT get a fucking job, i fucking cant!!!!! then they go and make me feel like fucking shit for it. im so sick of this place! id be better off dead, i swear.


i wish they would hurry up and leave, my mom and tootsie, shes gotta go to school. its 6:38 and they leave at 7 i think to go catch the bus. i wish they would hurry and go so i can get off of here and go upstairs to her room. i would now but shell just get all pissed at me for going in there. she says she "cant get ready while im in there." i dont see how, all i would do is go lay down and cover my face up. im just in the way all the damn time, im never any help or useful. im fucking worthless and useless, good for nothing at all. dont tell me "stop putting yourself down." cuz its all fucking true. i dont even know what to write and im probally not even making any sence. im so sleepy and depressed about EVERYTHING and my own boyfriend cant even be there for me. i dont know. he has a lot going on in his own life and i dont wanna drag him down with me. i just REALLY really need someone so bad. my god, maybe i shuold have just stayed up in my shitty ass room sitting there until they left. everytime i do what i wanna do something always gets fucked up. see what i mean, i cant do anything right. i wanna just go live by myself. all of this stupid shit could have been avoided if tootsie would just stop being a little baby and give her shit up at least just once. i do that for her ALL THE DAMN TIME! if she would have just slept downstairs and let me sleep upstairs, if she would have NOT woken my mom and dad up last night cuz she wasnt getting her way. she needs to grow up. shes in high school and she cant even count fucking money, she hardly cleans up after herself. why? probally because off those years my mom was off working and my dad was with us, he didnt make her do shit around here, didnt teach her anything. I fucking had to. and in the morning when we would go to school, i tried to get her to brush her teeth and he would say "no, cmon.. theres no time for that!" when there was. he didnt make her do anything. but now, shes fucking old enough to know. she doesnt even make up her damn bed in the morning. why am i talking bad about her? she can be a good little sister but gah! ugh, i dont even know. im going nuts. im so confused and my thinking is so off, i cant think straight at all.


i cant even get the money i made on that bux.to website. why does everything hold me back from fucking money?!?! i hate money so damn much. i have around $13 on bux.to and i wanna do the "cashout" thing and put it in my bank account. BUT, fucking alertpay only put one fucking micro deposit in my account and theres supposed to be two micro deposits in there so you can verify the account. ive tried emailing the jerks at alertpay and one person responded and asked the amount that was in my acocunt and said my bank may have combined the two amounts. so i told the asshole and the asshole never responded back to me to let me know what the hell to do. i emailed the jerk March 8th and nothing. i waited a while and emailed the ass back about it last week and still nothing. so i filled out ANOTHER thing and sent it off to custmor service yesterday. are any of you having that problem with alertpay too or is it just me? its probally just me cuz everything is always like that for me, nothing ever goes smoothe and works out. everything always has to give me some kind of trouble.


im saving this and gonna go do the bux.to stuff and wait for them to leave so i can go upstairs and go to fucking sleep. its 7 now so as soon as i start getting to sleep, i bet zach will call while hes on his way to work. maybe, if im lucky. he doesnt always call me in the morning cuz hes late and doesnt have time. bleh. anyway. bye.