brittini , 25

[font=verdana]August 24, 2OO7[/font]

[color=silver][font=Helmet]my goooosh my mom talks a lot! lol you ask her about one thing and she goes on and on and on and on about it then somehow she gets off on another subject and goes on and on and on about it. i love my mom and i love hearing what she has to say but i only have so much time during the day to do my stuff and when she goes on and on about things, it takes away my time. silly mom. :P i think my mom needs to sign up on kiwibox and make her own journal. lol :P

anymoo, zachs gonna work on his mustang this weekend, hes taking the motor out of it. :D he needs to hurry up and do something where we have to go to the Dallas Mustang store. im wanting to get a mustang shirt, kinda like a baseball tee, and get it customized. on the back i want it to say "Z. Crawford" up at the top and below that, have the number "66", the year of his car. i think that would be awsome! id wear it allll the freekin time. :D i got on the dallas mustang website and i saw you can request a free catalog. i tried getting one for zach but its asking me the make of his car and i dont think any of those are his. its giving me: blue bonet special, boss, california special, cobra, grabber sportsroof, grande, LX, GT, GTA, high country special, indy special, mach 1, pace car, shelby, sprint, T-5 & twister. im gonna call him in a min and give him that list and he can tell me. this morning he told me hes also thinking about trading in his cavalier for a 5-speed cavalier. pretty much one thats just like the one he has now except not automatic, and this other one is red. the one he has now is a really pretty blue and it has shaved door-handles. i looove the door handles not being there, makes me feel a lot safer in his car, noone can come steal me when hes getting gas or something. lol :P

i need to get my birth control pills today. i was supposed to start back on em last night but we didnt make it in time to the pharmacy (they closed at 7). ill just hafta double-up on em. take one tonight and one saturday morning then ill be caught up. ^__^ as much as i'd LOVE to have a baby with him right now, theres no way we can. we can't afford a little thing right now plus neither one of us are ready for a baby. we still need to get our own house! lol plus i need to have surgery before we even plan for a baby. (i have a stupid tilted uterus & if i get prego, theres a chance of me and the baby dying). i know i say this in pretty much every entry, but i love him sooooo much! when i look at him, when i look in his eyes, i feel a way ive never felt before and i can't stop looking at him. AHHH! im so in-love with zach!! lol

time for some picturessss!! you guys prolly don't really care but im posting anyway. ^__^

heres zachs cavalier at my house. (yes, we live in the sticks. lol) its a 2001 :]



and theres another picture of me and zach! its kinda a bad one, his face looks long & hes all dirty cuz he just got off work and im not wearing makeup. im also wearing one of his workshirts. TEEHEEE!!!! :P

ha! someones trying to call. the caller id said Tuscany Industrial. pft. whatever that is. their getting burned. :D i hate phones, i never use em. the only time(s) i use one is when im talking to zach or one of my family members. i dont really call my friends, why? i dont know. i usualy just text them or talk to em online. phones scare me, they always have. i think its because you cant see the other persons facial expressions. they could be lying to you or making fun of you and you wouldnt even know it. i dont like that. im werid, i know. ive always been that way though. *shrug*

okay. well, its time for me to go. ima call zach and ask him about his mustang and who knows what else ill do. i still need to write back to jessica!! my sister needs to clean up the rest of her room too and shes still asleep! so ill prolly wake her up soon and make her finish. bwhaha! hope you guys have a good day/night & weekend! :]

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[rimg=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v604/baby_brittini/zach/lilsuckface.jpg]mine and zachs 8 month anniversary was the 11th. it went pretty well. he had to go to a defensive driving class from 9am to 3pm then when he got out, he called me while he was at walmart. he ran into a couple of his friends and hung out with them for a bit then he called me on his way home and said i can go ahead and head over to his place. i did. when i got there, i grabbed him and hugged him soooo tight and kept kissing his face. i missed him a LOT. he was walking out of his door and was all "ill be right back, by the way, get your thing off my radio." and he walked out the door. i looked at his radio and there was an envelope that said "to brittini from zach" on it. i grabbed it and opened it. inside was a card that read,

"Noone ever said that love was easy or that there wouldn't be misunderstandings or moments when lovers would need to be apart in order to love better or more completely. I know we've had some difficult moments lately, and sometimes I wonder if we'll ever see eye to eye or if our actions will ever reflect what we really feel inside. But I want you to know my heart still belongs to you, and no matter how difficult this situation is for us, I know we'll get through it. I hope you still believe in me...because I still believe in you, and I will always believe in us."

and then on the inside after the last part of that, he wrote "all we can do is keep trying. i love you. zach c" and when you open it up again, he wrote "happy 8 months heart zach" and he drew some hearts. while i was reading it, i started crying. it made me feel sooo good to know all that, just knowing he picked out that card and knowing thats how he feels. im trying to hold back tears right now as im typing this. we have been having some REALLLLLY hard times and weve been sorta fighting and arguing a lot. in fact, the reason im making an entry today is because our relationship, the fighting and arguing part, is getting worse. its hurting us both sooo bad but we don't wanna leave eachother, we both need eachother so badly. ive packed my things over at his place twice since saturday ((our anniversary day)) but havent left his place. right now its all in a sack laying on his floor. ((im at home right now, i stay at my house while hes at work.)) and Sunday, we were in his car sitting in the walmart parking lot ((we had just fought at his house and i was fixing to leave when his phone rang and he had to take one of his friends to game stop so we shut up and i went with him)) and he put on "Wake Up" by The Vanished and when the part came on that says "im falling apart without you here but its the same way when you are near" he said "thats how it is for me" and tears started forming in my eyes and were running down my face. we love eachother sooooo much, i mean neither one of us have EVER felt this way about anyone else before. we dont want us to be over, we wanna stay together forever but its soo hard. last night, we were quiet at eachother for almost all night then we started fighting again and i packed my things once again and i said "ok. im ready" cuz he was gonna bring me home and he never got up. he just stayed laying there in back with his eyes closed. i stood there at him for a while then i finally just sat down on the floor beside him, grabbed his hand and was staring at him. he looked at me and he had tears in his eyes but they wernt falling, his never fall, they just sit there in his eyes. he gets tears a lot when we argue and fight, i do too but mine always end up rolling down my face. we ended up just not saying anything else to eachother and i got ready for bed and went and layed down beside him, put my arms around him and played with his hair and we fell asleep like that.

this morning we "misunderstood" eachother again. i think sometimes we feel so akward at eachother and we dont know how or what the other is feeling or thinking and it gets soo hard for us to talk cuz we dont wanna say anything wrong and us start fighting. anyway, this morning... this is kinda sexual so if you dont wanna hear it, skip down to the next paragraph. lol ...i woke him up my touching him cuz he likes it when i do that and i kept messing around with/on him for about an hr and he just laid there with his eyes shut. i started feeling stupid after a while cuz there was no response from him at all, no smile nothing. at one point i grabbed his hand and put it on me and he messed a lil bit but then i moved and his hand fell and that was it, he just was still again. i kept doin my thaaaang but you know, like i said, after a while, it feels really stupid. so i quit and was starring at him and he opened his eyes and i said "you can do something too ya know" and he was all "like what? i dunno what to do" and we kinda got into it and he was saying he didnt start doing anything cuz he didnt know what i was doing and he didnt wanna end up hurting my parts. ((thats really sweet cuz since i have a tilted uterus, my parts inside are EXTREMLY sensitive and a lot of things hurt, things that shouldnt, so he didnt wanna hurt me)). thats understandable but i ended up feeling really stupid and we kept looking at eachother not knowing what to do cuz i guess we both felt really stupid. and he was asking me "what? what? what?" and i kept saying "i dont know!!! i dont know what to do!!" and he looked at me and had tears in his eyes ((and by this time my tears were rolling down my face onto him of course)) and he said "sometimes, i need you to be the stronger person." i looked at him, stared in his eyes and started kissing him sooooo deeply. adn well, im sure you can figure out the rest.

i love him soooooooo much and i know he loves me just as much but were having sooo much trouble. will we ever get through it? will things ever get better? are we just going through a rough patch? are we going through some sort of love-test to see just exactly how much we really care about eachother and how much we'll take to stay together? what the hell is going on?!?! i know love is a really rough ride but is it this rough? i mean, if we both are truely in love with eachother and we both really believe we'll make it, everything will work out right? i know hes the one, i feel sooooo so differrent than ive ever felt about anybody before, my heart, i can actually feel it, i mean, the whole thing.. i can feel the whole thing. its always hurting but its not always a bad hurt, a lot of the time its a good hurt. i know for a fact hes the one for me, i feel it, deep down and on the surface, i feel it. i know he feels the same way too, hes said so and i can just tell when i look in his eyes.

[font=impact]#526 // O8 1O 2OO7[/font]



i can't wait til the weather gets cooler. its sooo hott outside, i hate the hot weather, you can hardly do anything without being miserable and getting all sweaty and stinky. its awful. it drains me, makes me get really lazy and tired and sleepy. not kool.

my sister needs to wake up. i wanan go walking up the road and take pictures with my new camera of this abandond old bus thats laying on its side. theres some steps too that lead to nowhere and i think the broken tv is still there. ehee! i wanna practice with my camera before i start my classes so i know somewhat what im doing and won't be totally clueless. lol but i dont like the lighting today for pictures like that. its too sunny. i want it to be dark, cloudy and kinda rainy. thats my fave weather. :D

scratched cds piss me off. im trying to stick my pearl jam cd ((ten)) on this stupid computer and only two are working, the rest are messed up and its saying "unspecified error". -_- ive even cleaned it off too. BLEH!! i have so much trouble with everything i tell you.. EVERYTHING!!!

oh yay! my sister finally woke up, she just walked downstairs. she dyed her hair last night while i was over @ zachs. its all dark red now, it looks really kool. i like it. welp. time for me to go now that shes awake. ha, this was a pretty short entry, huh? lol adios!